Trial and error

Everyone carries around some pain and disappointment but I think the challenge is not to allow that to make us bitter. 

Challenges were faced except not all turned out as we thought so we reconcile with reality. We move forward with openness while taking responsibility for own contribution to the failure and try to improve ourselves in the process. 

Learning to live life is an iterative process where hopefully things come more into focus with age and experience. This often implies a trial and error method which can be tempered with and anchored in good intention. 

Doing any better than that is asking for a perfection which doesn't exist.

Cliffhanger

Yesterday, the people of the province of Alberta rejected the referendum question posed to them regarding separating from Canada and opted instead for a united nation. This despite efforts by the Trump regime to sow division within my country by offering incentives to premier Danielle Smith's UCP party. 

A divided Canada would, after all, be easier to conquer economically. 

US ambassador Pete Hoekstra is as popular in my country as a case of hemorrhoids as he parrots the talking points of his handlers back in Washington. 

Meanwhile on November 3rd Americans will get their chance to save what is left of their democracy by turning congress and possibly the senate blue. Trump is ostensibly on the ballot as his criminality, stupidity and incompetence continue to pile up. Still, that 30% approval is immovable and represents the unreachable faction of the population which is beyond reason. 

This number is likely universal irrespective of the country we are dealing with. 

Plenty of damage left to be done by Trump of course regardless of the midterm outcome, but at least there will be more brakes placed on a train seemingly hell bent on heading off a cliff.

No matter what happens however, it will take decades to repair the damage already done.

I still marvel

Montreal is a huge city but it is still rare that I run into two transgender women within 10 minutes of each other. I was walking with a friend and I discreetly pointed the first one out to him. She was crossing the street and we were sufficiently behind her to not have me be indiscreet. 

Most people wouldn't have noticed but I did. She fell very well under the radar and was at most maybe 30 years old. 

The second one walked past us and I heard her speak on the phone with her distinctly male vocal register. She was even younger and her long hair flowed behind as she sped towards her destination. 

Both were well into transition and my 65 year old friend had no idea. 

As for me and at my age, I still marvel at this with a broad smile on my face when I remember what the world would have been like for them when I was their age.

Planning

I recently found out that an ex-colleague died in a scuba diving accident. He was exactly my age and we would sometimes joke about retirement as it approached. As it turns out, his didn't last very long. 

He was a decent and respectful fellow and I loved working with him when he came to ask if I were available to assist on one of his projects. 

Every day I get up and appreciate my health and often think of the people I knew who have passed away. Many left a significant impact on my life and taught me how the different perspectives and approaches of others can help us grow as individuals. 

As we move on in life we increasingly appreciate that each day is precious. We begin to think that we should live in the moment with the least amount of expectation and planning as possible because nothing is guaranteed. 

Things are increasingly put into perspective so as not to waste energy on the trivial which getting off the hamster wheel helped to cement in my mind. 

Expectation is lowered which in turn decreases disappointment, and surprise is more welcomed as being part of the plan.

How to combat stupidity

 Use their own logic on them...

Muscle memory

If you are transitioning later in life you will at times find the process quite rocky. You may have been hiding for years and suddenly you are left exposed to the opinions of others plus your original instincts as a child have been quashed by decades of persistent indoctrination. 

In a sense you are dropping a mask and adopting what feels like a new identity which really isn't. It is instead the permission slip to be authentic in a way you were never allowed to be. 

This process can be arduous but ultimately prove rewarding provided we don't give up. The focus should be exclusively on our psychology instead of the more mundane aspects of presentation which are, by comparison, almost meaningless. What you wear or don't won't help you here in the least.

In other words, what we think of ourselves should take priority over what others do which requires elevating self esteem particularly if you vigorously suppressed and fought your dysphoria.

You are in a kind of battle with the person you very earnestly tried to be which isn't easy. The muscle memory wants to take you back but you resist because are tired of playing that game.

Little by little and one day at a time, you win more battles until you ultimately begin to win the war.

Practice makes perfect

Wanting to slap some people is almost a daily occurrence for me but I need to balance that energy against what I feel is a requirement for each of us to have patience and kindness. 

This becomes harder with age because the shine has slowly come off the apple when it comes to human beings. Our idealism has been burned off one incident at a time over our lifetime and we often end up not suffering fools gladly. 

The trick is to protect oneself while having empathy for people who have less defenses than we do. It means identifying risk and benefit and making decisions sometimes on a split second basis. 

Living in a large city exposes you to all kinds of characters and today many of them have completely dropped all attempts at public civility. On the other hand there are pearls out there that make it up for the others. 

If we grew up thinking that everyone was nice, that myth went up in smoke with experience and time. However, the defenses we developed as a consequence need to be used judiciously and sparingly.

Adrenaline

Everyone has problems and Joanne said her 80 year old mother had fallen and was in hospital as I joined her and Lisa over early morning coffee. They both work at the university in the HR department and we met enough times to now frequent the same table on the days I am there. 

Both are several years my junior. 

Overlapping with new people during my retirement has been very uplifting and a reminder that life can be very difficult for so many. Some may have financial means but that doesn't spare them from reminders of the challenges that most often come unannounced. 

Being accepted by other women has continued to bolster my confidence even if, as in this case, they don't know I am trans. It relaxes me and soothes whatever impostor syndrome which may bubble up from time to time. Thus I am taken at face value which is made easier by me simply being myself. 

Life is hectic and unpredictable especially today which isn't lost on someone who lived on adrenaline for so long. 

What we should want to do now as mitigation is to help each other to make things a little more bearable.

Basic needs

Trumpism didn't make people more unpleasant or evil than they were before. Instead it shone a bright light on how society really is when permission is granted for pretense to be abandoned. 

Stupidity also flourished as people dropped their shame in voicing their strange and toxic opinions aloud. 

In essence, we simply got an eyeful of how people think and behave when their inhibitions fall at the behest of a leader. At the same time, we also saw the best of a minority of people who have moral courage and clarity in opposing the deliberate cruelty. 

Regretably this reality isn't changeable because we have seen it play out repeatedly over the course of human history. Periods of societal decline bring out an increase in fear which then encourages ignorance, malice, narcissism and stupidity to spread. It is only when times are good again that the people who are most prone to these qualities go back to being distracted and quiet. 

The inevitable conclusion we must reach is that it is a small percentage of society which is able to steady the ship but also derail it. The broadest faction of the population is busy living and making ends meet and end up reacting to both conflict and victory. 

The masses are able to be swayed through the penchant in people to want to be guided which is why cultish behaviour will never disappear. 

The only partial antidote for this is to create conditions where the worst instincts of a society are stifled through providing its citizens with the security that their basic needs can be met.

Bumps and bruises

As we grow older we reflect on our lives to try and make sense of the psychology that drove our previous decisions. We may try to understand why we were susceptible to certain ideas and ways of thinking. It is the separation process of what we were taught was true versus what actually is. 

This is not an easy thing to do. 

Not everyone undertakes this process and many people live at a more surface level. Keeping busy doing and consuming can deflect the obligation to enter this process until life brings unwelcome surprises which can then trigger it. 

The longer we have lived, the more victories and perceived failures have been amassed. We may have seen life plans go unrealized and then become obliged to settle for a different reality as consolation. 

I have had people tell me directly that they don't want to examine themselves too deeply and perhaps there is some value in that. It hurts less to dwell on the bumps and bruises and simply move on to the next milestone on a bucket list. 

"Just keep moving forward" they tell themselves.

Microscope

At almost 64, I've seen more than I care to of human nature. I can smell people coming at 500 paces and can detect their inauthenticity and behavioral problems in short order. I can equally detect loveliness.

My patience has thinned and I am working that back at least for nice people who deserve it. Idiots are another matter. 

It's rare that I run into people with logical and critical minds. Instead I encounter people with baked in narratives that haven't passed inspection. When challenged they readily fall apart and they become angry as a consequence. 

People over history don't fundamentally change except that today we live lives under microscopes which means every wrinkle is exposed. It is what has fed our division. 

My cynicism is being worked on as I focus energy on people who need help in this world. Conversely those who perturb my peace risk getting a mouthful. You don't get to be this age without having developed weapons you want to be obliged to use less and less. 

When we are somehow born significantly different in this world the self-analysis and introspection become mandatory and once the human equation is understood, we must find our patience once again except now from a perspective of strength instead of fear.