A floppy hat

They plunked themselves almost in front of me and seated at a diagonal. The body language was a bit odd and then I noticed the wide brimmed floppy hat followed by the masculine energy and features despite the attempt at feminine attire. 

They were somewhere in their 20's investigating the metro car from the safety of the brim which was apparently also camouflage. The tone here seemed less "this is who I am" than "I can do this if I want" 

The young African woman (dressed as if she had just arrived from Senegal) seated on the other side from us noted the odd energy but neither smiled nor frowned. There was just for a moment a penetrating curiosity which was eventually satiated. 

I kept my silence noting that their nervous energy was not inviting. I respect people's personal space. 

Two stations later they were gone; floppy hat safely in tow.

Avoiding an avalanche

At age 26, my son is taking the reverse approach to life that I did. He is doing the hard psychological work now before entering the domain of the autopilot life that my generation espoused. 

His high functioning autism requires it. 

From my vantage point his is a huge advantage because I had to put off doing the deep introspection for years through the adopting of a model I took for granted as workable for anyone. The heavy lifting he does now will help him avoid an avalanche of work later in life. 

Psychology is everything. 

I tell him this everyday and he understands but cannot commiserate viscerally. 

However one day he will and will be glad. Except that I will probably no longer be here.

Permission slip

Trump held up a mirror to American society and showed everyone who was inside it. This happened to the chagrin of many who discovered that people they thought they knew were not all that great. 

He gave America a permission slip to let their frustrations out; to let their racism flags fly proudly for a time until it all started to unravel. 

Many knew who he was beforehand but it was deliciously tempting to have a president who hated the same people they did; those pesky middle eastern or Mexican neighbors who you were sure are undocumented; or maybe that lesbian couple next door.

It didn't matter all that much to them that he was a classless buffoon, a liar and a criminal.

Many were proudly part of MAGA while the going was good but then stayed well past the expiry date. Doing an about face isn't going to work now and there will be consequences for many of them. 

Being on the wrong side of history can be a bitch sometimes. 

Just across the border from Canada (where I live), there are rural areas of blue states which voted as high as 35 or 40% for Trump. This seems incomprehensible at first until one realizes that stupid and selfish people can be found just about everywhere. 

Even sometimes within our own families 

Either a 1 or a 0

Those of us who were raised under a very strict binary had trouble with the idea of existing openly on a spectrum. After all, the stigma would have been horrific. 

Add a few decades and suddenly there was a new coordinate system to adjust to which wasn't just based on a 1 or a 0. 

The concept of identity within that new structure required that we carefully examine our programming and revamp the psyche which was easier said than done. 

Traumas, fears and hangups persisted for us to the point of paralysis and not without justification. 

However, the generations behind us developed no such hangups and increasingly began existing under personal gender rules which worked just fine for them. 

It turned out that a transgender identity is a thing which can be lived openly and was always statistically expected.

Melanie

At age 42, Melanie is training to be an end of life counselor. Certainly not for the faint of heart and she explained her motivation over a coffee this morning at the marche. 

It is Sylvie who recognized her as she ordered. Melanie had facilitated a course she had taken before retiring and suddenly we were deep in conversation inviting her to join the three already at our table. 

People like Melanie fascinate me. Serious, intelligent and measured in her speech, she explains how as a child her views on death were already being formed. Her mother was desperately afraid of it and told Melanie to unplug her should she ever become a vegetable. 

This must have triggered something in Melanie to pursue helping people adapt to something which is inevitable for all of us. 

If we are curious and open, there is no shortage of interesting people in the world.

It gets easier

No one is shocked when you give them your Medicare card or driver's license and the photo doesn't match the person standing in front of them. 

My recent medical appointments have reconfirmed this to me. 

Later this year I will be renewing both cards with new pictures but it doesn't matter all that much. It just means the images won't clash. The passport will also be renewed. 

At some point your drive towards authenticity wins out over your fear. You then prepare yourself for potential double takes that never come. 

It gets easier as you go along.

Capitalism

Even if Keynesian style economics helped to soften the blow by tempering the excesses of the ruling class, it wasn't enough to avert the coming demise of free market capitalism. 

During the great depression there was the FDR initiative to create a cushion for the working class. An understanding was reached that the worker needed living wages and an ability to sustain themselves once a lifetime of work was completed. Social security was introduced.

It was an attempt to curb the worst instincts of the rich. 

We are at that juncture today where Marx's late stage capitalism is coming to fruition. Once the wealthy own everything there is nowhere else to go except to adopt a new model that suits more people....

Different times

Most kids today don't experience the type of parenting we had. Silent generation parents could be terse and unforgiving. 

One look told you, you had better not move a muscle. 

I watched the mother on the bus patiently talk to a toddler my mother would have likely found annoying. She corrected him as he threatened to over indulge in whining. 

As they were getting off the bus, The young boy then said goodbye to the driver in a way that surprised with its lack of shyness. It had an air of confidence about it.

Different times.

Northern lights

 

Breaking the law

The other day on the metro platform I saw someone who might have identified with the term "crossdresser". I would estimate them to be somewhere in their 70's and dressed just enough out of place to be noticeable; certainly to me. 

Their choice of clothing and unrelaxed body language told me this isn't something they necessarily do very often. There was also a sharp contrast with the woman of a similar age sitting right next to him. 

I was sitting in the car going in the other direction but would have found the opportunity to overlap completely fascinating. 

They weren't breaking the law despite what they might have learned growing up. 

I see far more shocking things on a daily basis and so does everyone else (said with tongue firmly in cheek).

A cardinal sin

The friends and acquaintances I have made particularly over the last few years don't know I am transgender. 

I have thought a lot about this; their ages, whether it's relevant that they know, etc. 

If someone were to point blank ask me I would tell them but I keep things as they are unless confronted. 

This could easily all play into impostor syndrome where you can feel like you are a fraud. However, since I am always myself I come off as genuine to them. 

I feel that they are interested in the kind of person I am rather than my gender which they do not question. 

Yesterday I met Angela for coffee who I have known for years. She used to work in the jewelry department at The Bay (now closed due to bankruptcy) and we would banter when I visited the store. At 60 she is in-between jobs and the conversation is not much different were I conversing with a male. 

There are some differences but only around the periphery of what is not important. At one point she asks what lipstick brand I am wearing. 

Gender was so engrained in us from birth (particularly among those of us who are older) that escaping its clutches became difficult. We had to perform it to perfection lest we committed some cardinal sin.