What the novels sold

Loving another person takes moral courage because long after the pheromones have worn off what we are left with is an imperfect soul struggling through life as much as you are. 

After the honeymoon is over, the challenge of what love truly means is left behind like a mission begging us to complete it. 

I understand all too well today that the perfect person for us doesn't exist but the one we end up with and keep should be someone we admire; someone who makes us want to be a better person 

In that sense, a marriage is less about the fairy tale of movies and more about the daily work of supporting each other through the invariable realities of life. 

In other words, our higher values should be aligned never mind the small divergences in habits which can over time cause us increased irritation. 

Real love is hard. 

By the late 19th century we had created a bourgeoisie portrait of something which for the longest time had been a contract sometimes even by expected obligation: a coupling in which each partner gave up a piece of themselves to support the other. 

That idyllic portrait didn't even work for the rich despite what Jane Austen and Lord Byron so eloquently tried to sell us.

Monkey wrenches

I made the mistake of working in a new pair of pumps last week by walking too far in them. Big mistake because my right foot needs rest. 

I will live.

Also my upstairs neighbor left her bathroom sink running and water ended up in my kitchen. Thank God my daughter was home because I was not. It wasn't a flood but enough to leave my ceiling in need of TLC.

So I am mired in insurance claims and contractor bids with a right foot that needs a little mending. 

It reminds me how life surprises us and throws monkey wrenches our way for good measure. 

It's medicine for someone who, for so many years, so heavily relied on the ability to control things.

Tigran

 

Optimism

I watched a talk recently given by David Brooks. Our politics don't exactly align but his humanist approach very much appeals to me. He has moved more to the center with age. 

The talk was about how to fix his broken country and he went through a decade by decade analysis of how the world came to be in an era of despair and negativity. 

The term he used most often was humiliation. People feel humiliated he said. 

When people feel lost they lose hope. They don't feel that their leaders care about them and the desperation turns to depression and anger. 

This is exactly how Trumpism was able to take hold. 

Brooks is optimistic we can get our humanity back and I agree with him. However it will take time.

The vocal minority

The Line is a call in show on YouTube which covers many topics including transgender issues and the associated science. 

The hosts are highly informed and educated Millenials who regrettably often deal with people who are hard pressed to string coherent sentences together. I laud them greatly for having a level of patience for these types I no longer possess. 

The transgender bathroom issue comes up frequently and I watch these callers get tied up in their own logic. Whenever it is presented to them they deflect because their cause is simply to deny transgender people their humanity. 

There are even some passing privileged transgender people who have called in (a la Blaire White) defending discrimination against those who don't meet a minimum bar of femininity. Thus using their logic, a butch lesbian must use extreme caution when entering a woman's restroom. 

I've been using the ladies room for many years without incident save for twice when I was asked if I was transsexual. Even then it was framed politely and I have never felt unsafe but then I live in an enlightened part of the world. 

The reality is that people are now less likely to care about transgender people but at the same time more likely to doubt the biological sex regardless of presentation. Some biological women don't pass inspection and there are incidents of taller and brawnier looking women being confronted for failing a visual analysis by a Karen looking for a fight. 

Stupidity is not a bug within humanity but instead a glaring and ever present feature. 

Despite the GOP backlash in the US, most people don't consider bathroom politics an issue compared to their daily problems. My life experience bears this out completely because intelligent, well-adjusted and kind people tend not to have aggression towards others. 

It's always the vocal and troubled minority making trouble for the rest.

Phases

Our lives are lived in distinct phases. 

First comes the indoctrination phase where we learn about the world and our expected role within it. 

Next comes the life establishment phase where we build some sort of social capital and an identity that functions well enough if imperfectly. The mask that allows us to function in society is refined.

The next phase is about self realization where everything we have learned is dissected and disassembled. We conclude that many of the things we accepted as gospel truth were false and even harmful to our psyche. 

The final phase consists of arriving at self knowledge where we understand intrinsically how to navigate the world with a more distanced approach and with perspective built from wisdom. We no longer feel motivated to play act for the pleasure of others and we embrace full authenticity. 

Not everyone completes these phases at the same pace or with a similar rate of success but inevitably life teaches us something. 

The conclusions we make having lived those experiences is up to us.

Scrutiny

Over my blogging history I know I managed to somehow alienate people who thought I was questioning their legitimacy. My exploration was ruffling feathers and they came away thinking I was being dismissive. 

This was never my intent. 

The interesting thing about personal identity is that it is defined by us and not by popular concensus, ruling committee or through comparison. We don't take polls to determine whether we are worthy of self respect. 

This is one of the reasons I remained community phobic for the longest time until I had done my homework. Arms length objectivity was best.

Who we are is highly personal and should not be so fragile as to be shaken through fear of rejection by others.

Otherwise it's not much of an identity.

If it is solid it should withstand scrutiny most especially and firstly from ourselves.

Once tested there, the opinions of others become completely irrelevant; mine or anyone else's.

Saying no to the dress

The graph below will surprise no one who has been paying attention. In the US, since the mid 20th century, marriage rates have been steadily falling off a cliff. 

We can extend that to the global population as well. 

The generation of my children (GenZ) is even more relationship phobic for numerous good reasons. One of the primary reasons is that marriages are no longer considered an economic necessity or a social obligation the way they were once seen. 

Women, who have attained financial independence to the largest degree in our history, now have been set free to decide whether they will enter into such a contract. 

Both sexes have also witnessed how their parents' failed marriages have impacted the social fabric of families. Hence the removal of automatic instinct to copy a formula with promise of limited success. Even those who stayed together offered less than ideal models of bliss.

Hypergamy eventually took over in that the majority of women chased the minority of men; namely those who fit both their financial and biological preferences. Those elite men decided that playing the field was to their advantage rather than settling down too quickly. 

The rest of the men began to resent their rejection and many have given up to feed the MGTOW movement (men go their own way). 

Youtube is full of content by disgruntled men enjoying the panic of women bemoaning that they are no longer being chased. Some have biological clocks ticking or are single Millennial divorced parents looking for a second chance at love. 

Thanks to our unstable economic times GenZ considers relationships a low priority until they get their own house in order. It has fallen in their list of priorities to a point that it will impact population demographics particularly in the West for years to come. 

I can't help but see some positive here in that the copy and paste formula of my generation and older has fallen by the wayside. People should do what they want without being questioned.

Playbook

Uncertainty breeds fear which then breeds aggression. This is where we are today in a deeply divisive era which pits groups against each other. 

When times are good people are generally satisfied even if there are always social issues to grapple with. However when your entire social order is put into question, it sparks a type of dread that stays lodged in the belly. 

This is where are right now. 

Assuaging fear requires victims which the ruling class will gladly offer you to distract from their sins. This means offering the easiest targets as blame for what ails you. 

Small and vulnerable minorities will do just fine. 

This is a playbook as old as humanity itself and plays into an exchange I had with Jack Molay recently about evil. It justifies itself through many means with the aggressor assuring themselves that it is for the sake of a greater good.

Beef

Korean writer and director Lee Sung Jin has done it again. His season 2 of the Netflix show Beef is as nuanced and interesting as the first. He once again explores human complexity in a way that makes us examine our own options were we placed in the same circumstances. We question what we might do when trapped into difficult corners. 

Jin drops people into moral dilemmas and lets them unravel and then rebuild themselves in their own unique ways. 

Each season is distinct with characters actors and different situations. Both present us with complex and fleshed out characters who are conflicted and who wrestle with decisions in ways which makes them relatable.

I love shows where I am asked to think and where the plot isn't telegraphed to me in advance. 

Highly recommended.

Teenage phase

Our early gender exploration as transgender people almost always includes a teenage phase. We haven't passed through the same rite of passage when going from childhood into adolescence as others, and so the experimentation happens until we reach maturity. 

The louder makeup and the slightly over the top dressing happens until we come to an equilibrium that feels right. The body and the mind unite into some sort of imperfect harmony. 

Until that happens the psychology remains not much further advanced than during those early childhood forays into our mother's closet. This is because that identity still needs to be properly fleshed out.

All is contingent on where we want and need to go of course.

After much trial and error, we then hopefully arrive at whatever our state of daily normalcy is going to be.

It takes time. The older you are when you start this process, the more time will be required.

I wasn't exempt.