The in-between space

I recently saw YouTube content regarding the "in-between space" representing the nebulous area between gender expression and identity. 

In other words, what I do versus who I am. 

That middle space can be confusing for many (it was to me) because the extreme ends of the gender variance spectrum are more firmly entrenched. One says I dress up once in a while and the other says that I have taken the means to establish my public identity. 

These are not the same thing even if one individual can grow in small steps beginning from a state which was largely and primarily about expression. 

For many people in this middle zone neither state can feel right. One seems more tawdry, secretive and shameful while the other seems to oblige that they make a wholesale change of public identity they may not be prepared to do. 

This is where labels become once again tiresome and limiting because they force we choose a designation and a clan so we feel welcome. 

One of the reasons I chose an arms length approach to this subject for a long time is that I wanted to understand the topic much better and thus went about doing so. But even after establishing I was gender dysphoric I still didn't believe in cookie cutter recipes. 

I just needed a personal path which spoke to authenticity plus wellness. 

One of the problem with humans is that we want answers which involve clear designations after which we have gained the necessary approval from the right authority or group. We want transparent solutions in areas where none exist and this is certainly one of them. 

Whether a person has dysphoria or not, there isn't going to be one answer for everyone. However, whatever path we choose should involve an amelioration in our quality of life. 

Otherwise, why change anything at all?

We take note

When we are retired there is more time to take note of the slow degradation of society around us. We move about more freely with less personal concerns but take in those of others struggling to keep their boats afloat. 

One day I see a Lamborghini cruise down St Catherine Street at the same time as two young policewomen restrain a homeless man. The contrast is startling when I reflect on my youth and shows what wealth disparity has done to us. 

Many people I know are all impacted by the current geopolitical chaos as the price of everything increases. The speed at which we live only exacerbates the situation as people continue to be commodities to corporations seeking to maximize both productivity and profit. 

It's been a tried and true formula for millenia only that it changes guise. Feudalism gave way to an industrial age which capitalized on the worker until they sought the means to unionize and fight for a living wage. 

Then, all is undone and we begin anew. 

The current global climate isn't sustainable as the chaos in France shows us. This will spread elsewhere as people become desperate when they can no longer keep up in acquiring the basic necessities of life.

Lying to ourselves

I was conversing with Jack Molay yesterday about personal schemas. Over the course of our lives we build a framework regarding who we are and our place within the world. It is based on gathered information except that the model can and will contain flaws. 

The inputs come from our parents, early childhood and adolescent socialization, social myths (ie. misinformation) plus our formal education which are then passed through the sieve of our personality type. Once the basic foundation is built it can be very difficult to put into question when the model begins to work even if imperfectly. 

We have a storyline which includes personal truths irrespective of their veracity and are sticking to it particularly if we have received a sufficient level of acceptance through its adoption. 

However this schema can also be a trap which contains self limiting components. We have sold ourselves a narrative about ourselves and others which hasn't been sufficiently tested and is only added to over the years and left largely unexamined. 

We can't blame most people for doing this because schemas can become comfortable despite their flaws. For example we don't know we are autistic but instead tell ourselves we are socially awkward and beyond hope until we are diagnosed as neuro divergent and suddenly potentially reverse our fortunes.

Our challenge is to examine everything we have been taught and dismantle the schema we have constructed with the intent to rebuild it and then reap the benefits. We refashion the psychology slowly but surely with the intent to bolster mental wellness, confidence, maturity and self respect.

It's not about lying to yourself but instead about finding a more honest and beneficial personal truth.

Trial and error

Everyone carries around some pain and disappointment but I think the challenge is not to allow that to make us bitter. 

Challenges were faced except not all turned out as we thought so we reconcile with reality. We move forward with openness while taking responsibility for own contribution to the failure and try to improve ourselves in the process. 

Learning to live life is an iterative process where hopefully things come more into focus with age and experience. This often implies a trial and error method which can be tempered with and anchored in good intention. 

Doing any better than that is asking for a perfection which doesn't exist.

Cliffhanger

Yesterday, the people of the province of Alberta rejected the referendum question posed to them regarding separating from Canada and opted instead for a united nation. This despite efforts by the Trump regime to sow division within my country by offering incentives to premier Danielle Smith's UCP party. 

A divided Canada would, after all, be easier to conquer economically. 

US ambassador Pete Hoekstra is as popular in my country as a case of hemorrhoids as he parrots the talking points of his handlers back in Washington. 

Meanwhile on November 3rd Americans will get their chance to save what is left of their democracy by turning congress and possibly the senate blue. Trump is ostensibly on the ballot as his criminality, stupidity and incompetence continue to pile up. Still, that 30% approval is immovable and represents the unreachable faction of the population which is beyond reason. 

This number is likely universal irrespective of the country we are dealing with. 

Plenty of damage left to be done by Trump of course regardless of the midterm outcome, but at least there will be more brakes placed on a train seemingly hell bent on heading off a cliff.

No matter what happens however, it will take decades to repair the damage already done.

I still marvel

Montreal is a huge city but it is still rare that I run into two transgender women within 10 minutes of each other. I was walking with a friend and I discreetly pointed the first one out to him. She was crossing the street and we were sufficiently behind her to not have me be indiscreet. 

Most people wouldn't have noticed but I did. She fell very well under the radar and was at most maybe 30 years old. 

The second one walked past us and I heard her speak on the phone with her distinctly male vocal register. She was even younger and her long hair flowed behind as she sped towards her destination. 

Both were well into transition and my 65 year old friend had no idea. 

As for me and at my age, I still marvel at this with a broad smile on my face when I remember what the world would have been like for them when I was their age.

Planning

I recently found out that an ex-colleague died in a scuba diving accident. He was exactly my age and we would sometimes joke about retirement as it approached. As it turns out, his didn't last very long. 

He was a decent and respectful fellow and I loved working with him when he came to ask if I were available to assist on one of his projects. 

Every day I get up and appreciate my health and often think of the people I knew who have passed away. Many left a significant impact on my life and taught me how the different perspectives and approaches of others can help us grow as individuals. 

As we move on in life we increasingly appreciate that each day is precious. We begin to think that we should live in the moment with the least amount of expectation and planning as possible because nothing is guaranteed. 

Things are increasingly put into perspective so as not to waste energy on the trivial which getting off the hamster wheel helped to cement in my mind. 

Expectation is lowered which in turn decreases disappointment, and surprise is more welcomed as being part of the plan.

How to combat stupidity

 Use their own logic on them...

Muscle memory

If you are transitioning later in life you will at times find the process quite rocky. You may have been hiding for years and suddenly you are left exposed to the opinions of others plus your original instincts as a child have been quashed by decades of persistent indoctrination. 

In a sense you are dropping a mask and adopting what feels like a new identity which really isn't. It is instead the permission slip to be authentic in a way you were never allowed to be. 

This process can be arduous but ultimately prove rewarding provided we don't give up. The focus should be exclusively on our psychology instead of the more mundane aspects of presentation which are, by comparison, almost meaningless. What you wear or don't won't help you here in the least.

In other words, what we think of ourselves should take priority over what others do which requires elevating self esteem particularly if you vigorously suppressed and fought your dysphoria.

You are in a kind of battle with the person you very earnestly tried to be which isn't easy. The muscle memory wants to take you back but you resist because are tired of playing that game.

Little by little and one day at a time, you win more battles until you ultimately begin to win the war.

Practice makes perfect

Wanting to slap some people is almost a daily occurrence for me but I need to balance that energy against what I feel is a requirement for each of us to have patience and kindness. 

This becomes harder with age because the shine has slowly come off the apple when it comes to human beings. Our idealism has been burned off one incident at a time over our lifetime and we often end up not suffering fools gladly. 

The trick is to protect oneself while having empathy for people who have less defenses than we do. It means identifying risk and benefit and making decisions sometimes on a split second basis. 

Living in a large city exposes you to all kinds of characters and today many of them have completely dropped all attempts at public civility. On the other hand there are pearls out there that make it up for the others. 

If we grew up thinking that everyone was nice, that myth went up in smoke with experience and time. However, the defenses we developed as a consequence need to be used judiciously and sparingly.

Adrenaline

Everyone has problems and Joanne said her 80 year old mother had fallen and was in hospital as I joined her and Lisa over early morning coffee. They both work at the university in the HR department and we met enough times to now frequent the same table on the days I am there. 

Both are several years my junior. 

Overlapping with new people during my retirement has been very uplifting and a reminder that life can be very difficult for so many. Some may have financial means but that doesn't spare them from reminders of the challenges that most often come unannounced. 

Being accepted by other women has continued to bolster my confidence even if, as in this case, they don't know I am trans. It relaxes me and soothes whatever impostor syndrome which may bubble up from time to time. Thus I am taken at face value which is made easier by me simply being myself. 

Life is hectic and unpredictable especially today which isn't lost on someone who lived on adrenaline for so long. 

What we should want to do now as mitigation is to help each other to make things a little more bearable.