Air out of a tire

Repressed anger in older transgender people is very common and is frequently a complex mix of gender dysphoria, the stress of being a minority, grief over lost time and inadequate acceptance from friends and family. 

The lack of support and resources over decades can build to a crescendo and once major life distractions are removed there is no way to avoid fully facing it. 

I've had to distill my frustration very carefully over years especially as I entered retirement. It's like slowly letting air out of a tire. 

You get by for years taking the euphoria where you can get it and suppressing dysphoria through immersion into everyday life. 

However, one day you finally realize that there is nowhere to run or hide from it.

Licking our wounds

We are allowed to lick our wounds once in a while and even feel a little sorry for ourselves. It's a good way to relieve the pressure. 

We may even feel justified especially if we are someone who tends to be a problem solver for others. We may not feel we get much in return and thus pat our own shoulder as substitute. 

Life brings enough challenges and when they sometimes converge all at once, we can take solace in being our own friendly ear. 

This takes practice since our penchant for self-criticism is our natural baseline as humans. 

However, we are our own best resource and it makes sense that this include some tender loving care for a human being who isn't perfect but is trying to do their best.

Le fil conducteur

After some months of break and then starting to blog again, my traffic is currently at an all-time high. I haven't changed anything other than make my writing even more expansive than it's ever been. 

I write to understand and deconstruct things. I want to analyze concepts and ideas by removing the mythology around them to whittle them down to their essential core. 

I want to find "le fil conducteur" as we say in French; the basic wiring which provides the electricity. 

Human beings are often about simplying complicated topics so they can move on from them. Public policy is then often written without a full comprehension of the intricacies involved. 

Sadly, more often than not, people have agendas.

Transgender issues have been a perfect lightning rod for reductionist thinking from all sides. Battle lines were drawn with convenient memes and titles to match however the truth is always far more complex and nuanced than our world desires. 

This type of approach has been applied to every other subject matter which impacts human affairs. We can't be bothered with nuance and subtlety because it's far too pesky.

We want to simplify what defies simplification so we can move on.

Femininity, masculinity and dysphoria

I am increasingly of the opinion that gender dysphoria acts and should be considered, if not entirely, then mostly independent from the degree of masculinity or femininity that people exhibit. 

This would help to explain why most masculine women and feminine men can feel entirely comfortable with birth sex and operate in the world without the dissonance of dysphoria. 

Some gender variant people even blend in much better than some transitioners and yet have no problem sticking to expression. The latter however, must act in some form to deal with an incongruence to quiet a storm in their heads. 

Some transitioners even end up living in jeans, T-shirts and sneakers (like many genetic women) proving that increasing their outward feminine expression is not their primary goal. 

Instead it is about achieving harmony between mind and body giving credence to the concept of dysphoria as innate birth condition which, as Harry Benjamin found over his career, tends to operate on a spectrum. 

Feminine and masculine energy can and should be much more relegated to the sphere of expression.

One more arrow

 

Diagnosis

Sometimes people diagnose themselves with ADHD, autism or some other issue. They recognize patterns after watching online content from others and sell themselves a schema which may or may not be true. 

Once that is set in the brain it can influence much about self-perception. 

My friend Sylvie told me about someone who is convinced of her problem without a diagnosis. She now realizes she wasted years without understanding the self and suffered the consequences. 

Never mind that she surmounted them somehow. 

The problem with scripts is that they can become enshrined in unavoidable fate going forward. We have determined that this revelation dictates a path forward or conversely constitutes a crutch. 

"Poor me I have a disorder" well, maybe.

This is where comparison and labeling can fail us because each person is unique. There isn't one solution, one drug, one magic bullet which can save the day. 

Our diagnosis can become a trap instead of something we compensate for and which doesn't entirely define us.

Failed premise

The only tool we humans possess to understand and process our universe and everything in it, is our mind. That's a pity because it's a pretty primitive tool. 

Our coordinate system is an organ the size of a melon which tries to comprehend time and space and why we would do well to acknowledge we are stuck. 

Perspective is everything and if our starting point is to use hubris to draw conclusions we have a problem. The best approach is to understand our limitations and live comfortably with an uncertainty which will always remain because we aren't fully equipped for the task. 

We are, for the most part, worker ants busying ourselves with trivial matters.

To make matters worse conservatives pontificate within their black and white views. They fail to understand the basic premise that they are starting with a flawed tool which is providing them with a false sense of security.

If nothing else, at least the rest of us know better.

Remedy

The last bit of work for me is to almost fully disarm. I can have a wicked temper and I will cut you down if you perturb me. 

The lowering of the temperature began years before retirement and continues to this day but I still have an axe to grind which needs dulling down. 

If you are afraid of people you are done for because society of full of deeply stupid and disturbed individuals. If you let them get to you they will destroy your internal peace. 

However there is a balance between self-protection and being kind that isn't always obvious. You need to have a peaceful baseline with a weapon at the ready.

If you were different in my generation you shut up and tolerated until you became a potential explosion. My venom built over time until there was plenty to spare which is why I work on my kindness towards strangers as remedy. 

Thus I walk softly and carry a big stick just in case.

Pretty much mandatory for an out transgender person.

A tried and true formula

People in power have understood for centuries that the key to success is manipulation of the populace. What is true is much less important than your ability to persuade. 

Therefore in the US, congressional hearings end up as YouTube clips where the tactic by the Trump officials has been to be aggressive and combatative. They know that the cult will see that as a win. 

What is unfortunate for America is that there is no way out of this loop without an implosion. One side is so rabidly convinced that they must destroy cultural and scientific progress that their zeal overrides everything else. 

The project 2025 authors will stop at nothing even if Ma and Pa in rural Georgia can't afford to live anymore. They know that the steady diet of FOX News for decades has them firmly hypnotized. 

The entire right wing echo system works in unison as a feckless Democratic party tries to untangle itself from AIPAC money and support for a criminal Israeli government now threatened by ultra orthodox pacifists. 

Things are headed for a flash point in America where once the population reaches full panic mode they will rebel in a manner far worse than the "No Kings" marches which only served as temporary panacea.

"I am me"

Yesterday on my way home I crossed paths with a young transgender person of, by my estimation, not more than 30.

It's hardly a novelty these days.

Dressed casually in sandals, T-shirt, hoop earrings and shorts you could see there was no attempt at pretense. She was tall and the voice was low with the body language all about comfort in one's skin as they greeted a friend with a hug as I walked past. 

If you were to walk up to them and ask "are you a man or a woman?" They might answer "I'm trans" with a casual quizzical look which might hint at what business is it of yours. 

This generation doesn't suffer from binary brain trauma of older generations or try to pretend they are someone else. 

They have cleansed their palette of that.

They aren't playing dress-up either but simply being openly and brazenly themselves.

They might just say to you "I am me so run along".

Once the dust settles

It's impossible to unsee serious lapses in judgement. Many people in the US are faced with the prospect of what to do about friends and families who did the unthinkable and turned pure MAGA. 

They are mulling over what to do about ties that have been seriously damaged by the actions of people they thought they knew well. 

When times are bad is when the weaknesses and strengths societies are most exposed. There are those whose altruism and principles shine forth and then those whose fragile grip on critical thinking and values disappoint beyond measure. 

The Germans who turned Jews over for capture to the Nazis could be the same types of people as your neighbors. You don't imagine they possess that type of cruelty until you witness it firsthand and are mortified by their callous nature. 

As we get older our innocence fades away and we must live with the knowledge that a significant portion of the world operates with faulty moral compasses. Their fear and willful ignorance keeps them from making moral choices. 

It remains to be seen whether families separated by today's exposed weaknesses can move past them once the dust settles on this difficult time period. 

My bet is that many if not most are beyond repair.