Fine tuning

Being retired and ostensibly living alone (my daughter comes and goes) leaves you with a lot of time to reflect. Years ago being with someone, working full time plus still having young children permitted distractions which are now gone. You need to fill that space with other things.

Yes I am a musician/composer, am starting to oil paint again and I work here and there but nevertheless this is a major life adjustment which has forced the remaining outstanding issues to the surface. A trans person who had been non-self accepting for a large chunk of their life will have psychological clean up to do and I fit that bill perfectly. Being trans isn't remotely obvious no matter your age.

There are no more guard rails as to how I am to live and no one cares except me. But the pervasive programming we receive from earliest memory has left some remnants which need addressing. It won't change how I physically live, but putting in the work will further improve the state of the psyche.

I used to envy gender variant people whose less virulent dysphoria (or lack thereof) allowed them to compartmentalize their lives; something many of us cannot readily do and hence I have tended to gravitate towards people who have transitioned for guidance in fortifying morale. I simply understand them better.

Things are good but they can always be improved and so the fine tuning will continue and likely only stop when I draw my last breath on this earth.