Discipline

I work on myself constantly and have learned over the years to be extremely self reliant to a point of exacting discipline. This is of course a double edged sword because it can discourage spontaneity and looseness. It also kept me for the longest time from accepting who I am because I simply would not permit it.

I have never taken medication for depression or anxiety and, aside from my initial treatment for gender dysphoria at the Montreal General Hospital, I have never had any psychiatric counseling. This is less a badge of honor than an admission that I might have sought help more readily and developped instincts to reach out to others. To this day I sometimes regrettably see reaching out for help as a sign of weakness.

My resilience is there and yet I look back to realize how hard it was sometimes to keep everything under wraps. A demanding career in engineering, a challenging marriage, raising two children, all the while managing gender dysphoria. No doubt I saw and can credit the discipline of my parents and took inspiration from them for their realistic view of life and its many challenges.

My curent vantage point now permits this realization and fortunately also the chance to make some rather welcome improvements.