I wanted to write a bit more on gender euphoria as Cristina Cross made a comment yesterday which got me reflecting. Euphoria can be most prominent and dominant when our cross gender expression is relegated to sporadic activity which tends to build anxiety and then release massive joy. However as we move into trying to live more authentically the euphoria of expression becomes increasingly dominated by a deep sense of comfort which is how we validate and legitimize our cross gender feelings. Arriving at this point is far more satisfying and peaceful but less euphoric.
I always go back to needing to address the fundamental distinction of "who we are" versus "what we do". If we are more about expression, any attempt to increasingly live authentically will not work simply because there aren't sufficient feelings of identity present to justify it.This is something which can only be discovered slowly over time especially if we are older and dealing with, as I did, a very long history of denial and suppression.
I am thrilled my comment lead to a post. =) You are so right about the sporadic activity and the huge euphoria during expression. Like a person walking in the desert that finds an oasis that needs to gulp down gallons of water to satisfy the gender expression deprivation anxiety. That is how it was for me. But over time when one expresses on a more routine (daily) basis, now, as you say it is just peaceful comfort. You sip the water, you settle in.
ReplyDelete-Christina
Bingo my dear :)
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