As Halloween approaches I think about how little interest I had in it growing up other than the chance to make the costumes for my younger siblings. When you are trying to suppress dysphoria you put your head down and just play the avoidance game. By age 11 I was done with trick or treating.
In my twenties I recall on one occasion being invited to a friend's college Halloween party and not knowing what to wear. When my mother suggested I wear some of her things, I blushed and vehemently declined even if there was a definite inclination based on many years of surrepticious practice. I opted instead for a cowboy probably because I thought I might want to repeat it or worse give away my deep dark secret.Some years later Halloween became something to celebrate with my young children.
I succeeded for years and years to ignore this day which is why it never held any special allure and still doesn't except now I don't need special occasions to be me.
I succeeded for years and years to ignore this day which is why it never held any special allure and still doesn't except now I don't need special occasions to be me.
When your mother suggested you wear some of her things did she ever have any inclination you had dressed before?
ReplyDeleteYour Halloween story reminds me of one of my own from youth in jr high. We had "opposite day" for costumes. Girls dress as guys, and guys as girls. I declined to participate. It was my chance to dress but I was so in denial and was so afraid of showing ANY inclination of my feminine side that I couldn't even participate even if I really wanted to. I still think about that time to this day.
My mother had no clue. Started around age 4 when she caught me in her shoes and then I went underground. I told her after my stroke at age 45 from my hospital bed
Delete