My current thoughts on arousal

If, like me, you trace your cross gender identification to before puberty you may have been as mortified as I was to experience both erections and orgasms upon commencing it. Suddenly something which had previously been pure was now stained by an unwelcome erotic element I did not understand and for many years became the main impediment to accepting my identity as a transgender person.

Prepubescent feelings this strong  cannot possibly be immune to sexuality because well before we come of age we have been told that they are not to be indulged. As a result an unfulfilled longing can become endowed with an element which was previously absent. Wheras prior to puberty there had only been serene and welcome comfort, this was something we had not bargained for. Thus began my long history of purging.

One problem is that in largely puritanical western culture, sexuality had taken on overtones of being dirty and even undesirable. Christian couples were to have sex solely to procreate and masturbation was a sin worthy of confession. Small wonder then that transsexuals appearing before clinicians downplayed any erotic aspects for fear of being identified as deviants. Eventually Ray Blanchard, an undoubtedly self-hating creature of his era, would more than gladly take up that mantle later.

So rather than fixate on this aspect, we should place it within the bigger question of where it fits within our psychology. In other words, is it a desired goal or instead a manifestation of not entirely fulfilled identity.