Here is the dilemma: we defer to a spouse out of respect for them because they do not entirely accept our identity. My question would then be: is an identity a negotiable commodity?
If a gender variant person is mostly about expression there need not be a major issue but what if we increasingly enter the domain of core identity?The process of self discovery can take time especially if we were heavily programmed starting in early childhood. A transgender person who discovers they are dealing with an issue of core identity is then faced with a problem if the partner is not on board. Do you stay with someone who ostensibly rejects a key component of your essence as a person?
Unfortunately or otherwise, that decision has historically tended to be made for us.
I don't think feelings can really be negotiated. In the 52 years of our marriage, we have expressed our feelings to each other almost daily, and we almost always really listen to each other without being judgmental of feelings. Things have seemed to work out organically, especially considering my gender variance. I consider myself to be the luckiest trans woman to have married a woman who still loves me "for better or worse."
ReplyDeleteAs far as negotiation is concerned, I spent most of my life negotiating with myself before finally accepting my authentic self. My wife had sensed my pain, even before I confessed, and we've worked through it together for almost two decades. Even two out of five ain't that bad, I suppose. :)
That is absolutely wonderful Connie and I love the idea of an organic progression as a couple hopefully with openness and understanding. We can't help who we are and communicate it :))
DeleteAs high school sweethearts, we were considered a cute couple; never did we become an acute couple. She's still cute, and I may be even cuter than I used to be (in my eyes, anyway). I do feel a little sadness when I see an older cishet couple walking hand-in-hand, as I think back to when we both saw ourselves ending up like that. The love and friendship are still there, though, even if it looks different from the outside.
DeleteWe don't all get conventional outcomes in life and do our best with the cards we are dealt. Boy did I learn that in spades ;)
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