Disarmed

If you grew up like me, you were afraid to perturb. You towed the line and respected society and your elders even to your own detriment. In other words, I was the perfect candidate for following the script and do as I was told. Being the eldest in a deeply devout Catholic family tends to do that to you.

The problem comes when you understand early on that you don't naturally fit and you must work harder to fight instincts you aren't supposed to have because you quickly come to understand they aren't normal. There is also little to no information at your disposal and what little exists is sparse and even contradictory. Many of us grew up like that in the 60's and 70's which were my formational decades.

Nothing can be done about that now other than to look back to it as history which made me strong internally. At a certain point my health was beginning to suffer and the cracks showing by my mid 40's when I realized I needed guidance beyond my usual self reliance. My ability to manage my gender dysphoria was faltering.

My story is in stark contrast to young trans kids who are diagnosed much earlier today. They see the stories of their peers and recognize themselves within them. They don't need to surrepticiously look up the word "transvestite" or "transsexual" in an arcane encyclopedia in their early teens afraid to be seen and scared to death they might be either.

My formation was a double edged sword in that it built strength and resolve in me but then also built up psychological scars which would need tending to later. It wasn't avoidable of course, because I did the best I could with the information I had and can now say I have used my history to build a new foundation for myself.

Do I still harbour some resentment at a world which had me go through all this? Yes except that at this point I am almost completely devoid of venom.