Internalized

When I first began writing in 2012 I had severe internalized transphobia. I was particularly put off by transsexuals when clearly in retrospect I fit the mold. I had tried very hard to distance myself from them.

It turns out that internalized transphobia isn't eliminated overnight but rather subsides over a long period if we do our introspective homework. Our trans instincts are there from earliest memory but the messaging we receive so counteracts them that we bury them as much as possible. I did that in spades for decades but it wasn't easy.

Over subsequent years I met some people who dressed and were able to comfortably put things away for weeks if not months at a time. Early childhood forays into their mother's closet had not formed part of their lived history and they seemed to be more about the euphoria of the outing whereas I had been trying to frantically beat my dysphoria into a bloody pulp. That was more proof for me that I resided on a slightly different place on the gender identity spectrum.

As we begin to settle more and more into ourselves something happens to calm the storm and we begin to relax. The process is long but each step brings you a little closer to authenticity. The further away from self acceptance you are at the start, the longer it will take.

My 86 year old mother said to me the other day "but you are still the same person"

It was all I needed to hear.