The psychology of fear

The approach of gender criticals is to state that the existence of transgender people represents an imposition on their own rights (the rights of women in particular) which is completely disingenuous. 

The reality is that they are deeply perturbed by the idea of allowing other people to live freely because underneath they have own personal issues to contend with. Thus for them it becomes a zero sum game. 

My life experience has taught me that people who are well adjusted don't have any problems with the way others live. 

By using terms like "transgender ideology" which implies choice, the criticals paint transgender people as deliberate usurpers of society. They say we are undermining the governing rules for nefarious purposes rather than to uphold their own authenticity. 

I have always been fascinated by the psychology of people who are racist, homophobic or transphobic because understanding them sheds a light on the darker recesses of the human condition. 

Fear breeding intolerance is a universal tenet of humanity; one which regrettably we seem destined not to completely escape. 

Thank goodness then for the many people I know who save my faith in humanity.

Comparing notes

My son and I compare notes on our respective psychologies during our daily evening calls. We are each on our own journeys of course but there is much in parallel.

We are both not overly busy. He works towards a return to finishing his university while I make small adjustments to my life as a retired person. There is reflection process in both situations with the added challenges we both face infusing another level of subtlety which must be navigated. 

Our adult children are predisposed to offering us advice and they will make us think about the appropriateness and value in our approaches to things. We take in their words and weigh them with consideration because their opinions imcreasingly matter to us. 

It is what I like about their current ages.

We are no longer the type of provider they once needed and we can take advantage of a redefinition as they progress into adulthood.

They have their own wisdom to impart.

Empty space

Thomas is an overweight young man who escapes to the town where his deceased grandmother had owned a cabin. He lives there while he works washing dishes in a small local diner. 

One day he goes to the town laundromat where he meets Lilly a blind girl who works washing and folding. Her disarming frankness and confidence catches him off guard. 

Thomas doesn't have much confidence but is a good person and young Lilly begins to bring out his qualities ever so slowly. 

"Empty Space" is a short, touching small budget production which will surprise you with its earnest portrayal of humans trying to rise above their limitations. 

It reminds us how under the surface we all deeply crave the very same things from life.

On Tubi.

Overhaul

Trumpism is almost over but the clean up will take decades. 

The flaws in the system have been exposed so at least there's that. The fact that someone this deeply stupid, incompetent and criminal was able to climb to the top of the ladder means that a major overhaul is in order. 

Supreme Court term limits plus getting big money out of politics is just a start but they must happen if the average citizen is to matter once again. 

Fair taxation is yet another important step because the latest development of the world's first trillionaire should be a clue that something is deeply wrong.

I am not all that surprised

After interviewing Ray Blanchard and saying he suffered from what is ostensibly a fetish, Ray Williams is now going to transition again.

He still insists he is AGP and says his cross gender expression is basically sexually-fueled. Nevertheless he believes this is an intrinsic part of who he is and he will not disown it despite not having it be necessarily rooted in a sense of identity.

I have always known that some people are more primarily driven by arousal patterns but still benefit from self acceptance rather than trying to "cure" themselves as Ray had tried to do.

He makes note here of the well known fact that transitioners don't regret their decision despite having lowered their libido via an HRT regimen which does tend to take the air out of Blanchard's balloon. Undeterred, Williams is nevertheless still a loyal disciple of what is at best 1980's conjecture.

However, fetish or not, Ray seems to have found a new formula. Who knew human beings could be so deeply complex...

Crash

 

Tolerance

They say happiness is a choice. Since life isn't going to stop throwing us curve balls, it is up to us to view the glass as half full versus half empty. 

Happy is perhaps also not the right word since we tend to equate it with joy; a feeling which only makes appearances on brief occasions. 

I prefer to think in terms of balance which already takes into account life's natural ups and downs. We factor in a tolerance for a certain level of chaos and decide to focus on the positive lessons we can draw from it. 

We also decide to jettison regret which only mires us in what we cannot change. 

The self-help books are bountiful and all claim to have the secret to reduce our anxiety, worry and depression. They want to tell you how they cure the natural human condition but they cannot.

Expensive

To end a conflict with Iran that Trump started illegally will mean paying them 300 billion dollars. Americans don't have health care but some of the money that could go towards it now goes as political reparation for his buffoonery. 

Everything he touches turns to shit. 

Had there not been a war, Iran would have been less powerful than they will now be. Plus they may still be in a position to set up a toll arrangement at the strait of Hormuz. 

The deal that Obama and John Kerry negotiated with Iran will turn out to have been far superior to this surrender. This is the price of impulse and listening to Netanyahu.

Owning the libs keeps turning out to be extremely expensive.

Earnest

Katie is one of the sweetest and most earnest transgender people I have seen online. There is zero pretense with her...

Approval

The only path to authenticity involves letting go of the fear of opinion. Without this ability, everything we do will be passed through a filter of outside approval. 

Our earliest life lessons involved performing to meet a standard. We had to behave in ways that gained us respect and love from our elders through a conditional performance. 

That Pavlov-like trigger doesn't disappear overnight and must be worked on such that our validation comes primarily from within ourselves. 

We risk not being liked or approved of and realize afterwards that we aren't worse for the wear. People-pleasing becomes much less appetizing once we know that many if not most don't deserve that from us. 

The gap between the social version and the real us must be as small as possible. Not because we want the right to be rude or loud at a party but because we don't want to need to fulfill what is expected by people whose opinions don't really matter.

The Bear

"The Bear" isn't a series about being an aspiring all-star chef but instead about the existential angst of being a human. Carm is a brooding young man with a long history of witnessing his own family's dysfunction which he desperately wants to disown. 

The older brother he idolizes suddenly commits suicide which brings his idea of opening a restaurant together to a screeching halt. There are episodes in this series that are hard to watch for their voyeuristic fly on the wall exposition of destructive family dynamics. 

Carm is left with his older brother's sandwich shop which he intends to convert into a fine culinary establishment worthy of his own vision. It's almost as if he wants to excel to wash away the sins he witnessed growing up. 

Highly recommended if you love strong character development and fine acting.

Adversity

One of the areas that really fascinates me is how human beings grapple with and overcome adversity. 

Everyone encounters it at some point and some are burdened from birth with challenges they must carry with them throughout life. 

I began writing in 2012 asking questions along those lines regarding gender dysphoria and there are countless other issues that people face daily which are far more difficult by orders of magnitude. 

Besides asking questions about where dysphoria comes from I looked at how each person dealt with it. I thought about personality profiles, family history, levels of indoctrination, personal resilience and other factors to see how each individual reacts to their situation within their particular era. 

Adversity can sometimes bring the best out of us by forcing us to mature mentally. We are presented a challenge where ignoring isn't an option and we grow as a result of the effort to problem solve. 

I've decided that all forms of adversity make us better and stronger people. It shapes our character, our resolve and boosts our courage. 

Often because, in the end, we have little choice but to persevere.

Life's what you make it

 

Perspective

One of the problems which can arise from being different is that it risks becoming obsessive. We focus on it so much that it takes over the psyche in unhealthy ways. 

I think the secret is to place it into context within the broader picture of who we are such that it doesn't become invasive. We give it the importance it deserves but nothing more. 

This can be very challenging during periods of uncertainty about what to do. We thought we were fine for a while but then ascended to a new plateau where it could become our primary obsession. 

It can be tempting to lose sight of the forest for the trees until we come to a fuller perspective of what constitutes our personhood. 

Retirement can definitely throw a monkey wrench into the way you understood your place in the world. Hence it once again became pivotal that I tweaked my psychology and find myself again within a wider portrait of what it means to be me.

Fail

The Trump name being removed from the Kennedy center wall is a sign of the times. The wheels are coming off the bus for a regime that is trying desperately to avoid a dreaded bout of stagflation. 

Imagine an economy where people can't already afford anything and yet inflation just keeps on rising. 

This is the direct result of letting incompetent fools at the helm. 

History books will not be kind to Trumpism but then people have the memory and learning capacity of gnats. It will tried again and again in the future with the same predictable failure.

This morning

This morning I left the house early wearing a colorful 3/4 length summer skirt (whereas I'm usually in earth tones), a simple black Tee, my most comfy ballet flats, gold hoops and my trusty brown leather backpack purse. 

I added very basic minimalist makeup, a costume bracelet and pinky ring and I'm out the door in less than 20 minutes. 

It's what I call comfortable feminine. 

Here is where years of daily routine becomes your friend and it takes much less time to get this part in order than the psychology which governs it all. 

That can take longer and require much more effort; especially if, unlike trans youth of today, we get a very late start in life on full authenticity.

Population bust

 

10 years on

A friend of mine tells me he has an upcoming date with someone he connected with online. He's 65, divorced and open but not remotely desperate. We have known each other for 40 years; well before either of us had married. 

This past April marked 10 years since I've been on my own with the desire to be in a couple only waning steadily over that time. 

I know myself much more, I understand very well the complexities of relationships and technically speaking I am a transsexual which only adds complexity to an already complicated area of human affairs. 

Other people don't make you happy. Only we can do that but in the best case scenarios we can meet someone who we have a deep affinity with; someone who makes us want to be a better person for them. 

As we age we increasingly recognize the people who don't fit that criteria. It's not about finding perfection but about a connection that cannot entirely be explained which transcends the fleeting attraction I haven't felt for anyone in years. 

It's not about someone we desire but about someone we didn't know could elevate us so in a myriad of ways.

Battery limits

A video from a channel called "Soul Kink" ended up on my YouTube feed. Presumably it was because the subject matter was an interview with a gender variant person. 

The first thing I noticed is that the host is a quirky free spirit with a lighting rod streak of white running through her hair. The second was that the interviewee was very relaxed in their feminine presentation and being under 40 no doubt helped his cause. 

Today's breed of gender variant person tends to be out to friends and family and in this case they were also out to an accepting partner. There was no conflict of core gender identity but instead a desire to openly expand their gender expression. 

Over the last few decades we have seen sex and gender be liberated to the point where secrecy and stigma have been largely eradicated. On the flip side, we seem to have increased confusion among some regarding what their motivations mean and what they should do about them. 

In this case the person understood their battery limit and was able to exist happily within its confines. 

What helps is to understand that its not about your label but rather about what measures need to happen to bring your psyche to where it needs to be.

In a nutshell...

 

Make it make sense

The flesh-eating screwworm is a parasitic fly, not a worm. Females lay eggs in open wounds or body openings of warm-blooded animals and the hatching maggots burrow into and feed on live tissue. This can cause severe wounds that attract more flies. 

This parasite is endemic to parts of South America, the Caribbean, and Central America. It had been eradicated from the United States however illegal cattle smuggling has driven a resurgence. 

Confirmed livestock cases have been found in Texas and New Mexico. Canada has, in response, temporarily banned cattle imports from the US to protect domestic livestock. 

In its infinite wisdom, the anti-science GOP decided that funding the departments that used to control such outbreaks, was unnecessary. Hence along with cuts to USAID, EPA, National parks service, etc. it decided that cutting taxes for the wealthy was a bigger priority. 

DOGE went after programs that cost little as a percent of GDP but delivered great returns for society. 

In this case it will be republican voting ranchers who will bear the brunt of the stupidity; their own plus the Trump regime's.

Don't ask me to make it make sense.

Don't be surprised

When we start to treat our dysphoria in earnest it will worsen for quite a while. Up until now you had developed coping mechanisms which included being busy plus your usual bag of denial tricks. 

Now you are facing it head on with no barriers and the full freight train smacks you. You hadn't predicted this but then realize that it makes perfect sense that it's happening to you. 

Here is when self-doubt can make some headway which doesn't mean you have made an error. It means that the full scope of your attention is now focused on something you had learned to ignore until it hit periods of crescendo; after which you found yet another distraction. 

If you have had this happen to you, don't worry as you are far from alone.

Chances

Growing up I learned to be extremely judgemental of people. After all, I was harsh and demanding on myself so why give someone else the courtesy of dropping the standards I held myself to. 

The problem with this approach is that we become intolerant and don't give people a chance. We determine they fall short of our measuring stick and dismiss getting to know them better. 

However with age and experience comes discernment and we learn what signs to look for. This doesn't mean everyone is best friend and confidante material, but we also don't quite so readily put people into boxes based on a rash assessment. 

As we hopefully become more forgiving and less critical of the self, we offer others the same chances.

The natural distribution

Throughout human history we have come up with diagnoses and developed categories for types of people. We have even invented diseases and conditions some of which turned out not to be real. 

Sub-categories of categories were created to explain anomalies that didn't quite fit under a model we were almost certain was correct. 

We tried to help people but then also stigmatized them by using coarse language to describe them. We called some "retarded" without much concern for how it affected them. 

At points in our history blood letting and lobotomies were considered desired treatments for some people, proving the trial and error approaches we trusted to our experts of the day were sometimes ill-advised. 

The reality is that our complexity as human beings both at the psychological and physical level has required millennia of experimentation bolstered by the development of technologies that helped us find solutions. 

People that we used to marginalize as being beyond help have been identified and treated after having found the source of their suffering. 

What remained then was cultural tolerance for people who behaviorally fell outside societal margins. They didn't suffer from any conditions but simply needed the amplitude to live as their natural inclinations demanded. 

They suffered from discrimination rather than from some pre-existing limitation. This didn't stop society from branding them with mental illness; all because they had dared to not fit within the designated margins. 

We have discovered that the natural distribution of humanity isn't governed by the cultural norms of the day but rather, to the chagrin of many, by reality.

Devil's advocate

I never tell myself what I want to hear so why would I do that to anyone who anyone else? 

Our job is to ask ourselves the tough questions so we can grow as individuals and for that we need to be blunt and honest. 

Therefore I play devil's advocate with everything until I can wrap my head around it. 

Everything we perceive goes through a personal filter. Our biases and opinions act on everything almost imperceptibly because they always run in the background. 

We must account for them when we ponder ideas about ourselves some of which may be erroneous.

Body language

Walk around in public and look carefully at people. Notice how both genders come in all shapes and sizes and then stop worrying about your own shape or what you wear. 

It doesn't matter.

What people will notice about you is body language and I say this with great certainty after decades of experience. 

What they will primarily notice is any body language which shows lack of confidence and says "I don't know who I am"

A floppy hat

They plunked themselves almost in front of me and seated at a diagonal. The body language was a bit odd and then I noticed the wide brimmed floppy hat followed by the masculine energy and features despite the attempt at feminine attire. 

They were somewhere in their 20's investigating the metro car from the safety of the brim which was apparently also camouflage. The tone here seemed less "this is who I am" than "I can do this if I want" 

The young African woman (dressed as if she had just arrived from Senegal) seated on the other side from us noted the odd energy but neither smiled nor frowned. There was just for a moment a penetrating curiosity which was eventually satiated. 

I kept my silence noting that their nervous energy was not inviting. I respect people's personal space. 

Two stations later they were gone; floppy hat safely in tow.

Avoiding an avalanche

At age 26, my son is taking the reverse approach to life that I did. He is doing the hard psychological work now before entering the domain of the autopilot life that my generation espoused. 

His high functioning autism requires it. 

From my vantage point his is a huge advantage because I had to put off doing the deep introspection for years through the adopting of a model I took for granted as workable for anyone. The heavy lifting he does now will help him avoid an avalanche of work later in life. 

Psychology is everything. 

I tell him this everyday and he understands but cannot commiserate viscerally. 

However one day he will and will be glad. Except that I will probably no longer be here.

Permission slip

Trump held up a mirror to American society and showed everyone who was inside it. This happened to the chagrin of many who discovered that people they thought they knew were not all that great. 

He gave America a permission slip to let their frustrations out; to let their racism flags fly proudly for a time until it all started to unravel. 

Many knew who he was beforehand but it was deliciously tempting to have a president who hated the same people they did; those pesky middle eastern or Mexican neighbors who you were sure are undocumented; or maybe that lesbian couple next door.

It didn't matter all that much to them that he was a classless buffoon, a liar and a criminal.

Many were proudly part of MAGA while the going was good but then stayed well past the expiry date. Doing an about face isn't going to work now and there will be consequences for many of them. 

Being on the wrong side of history can be a bitch sometimes. 

Just across the border from Canada (where I live), there are rural areas of blue states which voted as high as 35 or 40% for Trump. This seems incomprehensible at first until one realizes that stupid and selfish people can be found just about everywhere. 

Even sometimes within our own families 

Either a 1 or a 0

Those of us who were raised under a very strict binary had trouble with the idea of existing openly on a spectrum. After all, the stigma would have been horrific. 

Add a few decades and suddenly there was a new coordinate system to adjust to which wasn't just based on a 1 or a 0. 

The concept of identity within that new structure required that we carefully examine our programming and revamp the psyche which was easier said than done. 

Traumas, fears and hangups persisted for us to the point of paralysis and not without justification. 

However, the generations behind us developed no such hangups and increasingly began existing under personal gender rules which worked just fine for them. 

It turned out that a transgender identity is a thing which can be lived openly and was always statistically expected.

Melanie

At age 42, Melanie is training to be an end of life counselor. Certainly not for the faint of heart and she explained her motivation over a coffee this morning at the marche. 

It is Sylvie who recognized her as she ordered. Melanie had facilitated a course she had taken before retiring and suddenly we were deep in conversation inviting her to join the three already at our table. 

People like Melanie fascinate me. Serious, intelligent and measured in her speech, she explains how as a child her views on death were already being formed. Her mother was desperately afraid of it and told Melanie to unplug her should she ever become a vegetable. 

This must have triggered something in Melanie to pursue helping people adapt to something which is inevitable for all of us. 

If we are curious and open, there is no shortage of interesting people in the world.

It gets easier

No one is shocked when you give them your Medicare card or driver's license and the photo doesn't match the person standing in front of them. 

My recent medical appointments have reconfirmed this to me. 

Later this year I will be renewing both cards with new pictures but it doesn't matter all that much. It just means the images won't clash. The passport will also be renewed. 

At some point your drive towards authenticity wins out over your fear. You then prepare yourself for potential double takes that never come. 

It gets easier as you go along.

Capitalism

Even if Keynesian style economics helped to soften the blow by tempering the excesses of the ruling class, it wasn't enough to avert the coming demise of free market capitalism. 

During the great depression there was the FDR initiative to create a cushion for the working class. An understanding was reached that the worker needed living wages and an ability to sustain themselves once a lifetime of work was completed. Social security was introduced.

It was an attempt to curb the worst instincts of the rich. 

We are at that juncture today where Marx's late stage capitalism is coming to fruition. Once the wealthy own everything there is nowhere else to go except to adopt a new model that suits more people....

Different times

Most kids today don't experience the type of parenting we had. Silent generation parents could be terse and unforgiving. 

One look told you, you had better not move a muscle. 

I watched the mother on the bus patiently talk to a toddler my mother would have likely found annoying. She corrected him as he threatened to over indulge in whining. 

As they were getting off the bus, The young boy then said goodbye to the driver in a way that surprised with its lack of shyness. It had an air of confidence about it.

Different times.

Northern lights

 

Breaking the law

The other day on the metro platform I saw someone who might have identified with the term "crossdresser". I would estimate them to be somewhere in their 70's and dressed just enough out of place to be noticeable; certainly to me. 

Their choice of clothing and unrelaxed body language told me this isn't something they necessarily do very often. There was also a sharp contrast with the woman of a similar age sitting right next to him. 

I was sitting in the car going in the other direction but would have found the opportunity to overlap completely fascinating. 

They weren't breaking the law despite what they might have learned growing up. 

I see far more shocking things on a daily basis and so does everyone else (said with tongue firmly in cheek).

A cardinal sin

The friends and acquaintances I have made particularly over the last few years don't know I am transgender. 

I have thought a lot about this; their ages, whether it's relevant that they know, etc. 

If someone were to point blank ask me I would tell them but I keep things as they are unless confronted. 

This could easily all play into impostor syndrome where you can feel like you are a fraud. However, since I am always myself I come off as genuine to them. 

I feel that they are interested in the kind of person I am rather than my gender which they do not question. 

Yesterday I met Angela for coffee who I have known for years. She used to work in the jewelry department at The Bay (now closed due to bankruptcy) and we would banter when I visited the store. At 60 she is in-between jobs and the conversation is not much different were I conversing with a male. 

There are some differences but only around the periphery of what is not important. At one point she asks what lipstick brand I am wearing. 

Gender was so engrained in us from birth (particularly among those of us who are older) that escaping its clutches became difficult. We had to perform it to perfection lest we committed some cardinal sin.

How dare you

As we get older, people's rudeness and sense of entitlement can really get under our skin. 

Someone speaks loudly on their phone in a crowded bus or they walk closely behind you doing the same. I get irritated and stop in my tracks to let them pass. 

I didn't expect I would turn into a crabby old person but after years of learning and employing good manners, the audacity of others perturbs. 

I tell myself that they don't get to skip out on the decorum many of us learned and adopted. 

This progression in me has happened in parallel with finding and respecting my own identity. You finally realize that a huge chunk of the world's population lives with an obtuseness which is hard to fathom. 

You wonder how their opinion ever counted for you at all.

Nevertheless, there isn't much I can do to change or teach others, so I keep that constantly in mind when I am tempted to get crabby.

Fremont

You might not think that a film about an Afghan immigrant working in a Chinese fortune cookie factory would be so absorbing, but it is. 

Set in Fremont, California the story explores the lonely life of Donya, a 30 year old former translator and insomniac who barely made it out of Afghanistan as the Taliban takes hold of power. 

Filmed in a moody black and white, it explores the subject of loneliness and alienation of people. It quietly and subtly shows us the underlying existential angst underneath every person. 

To be sure this is an art film and perhaps not everyone will appreciate its almost whispering tone and pauses. But for those who are patient, it's a treat worth sticking around for.

On Tubi and highly recommended.

Follow the dominoes

- America elects Reagan and the UK Thatcher both huge advocates of Neoliberalism and trickle down economics (a myth). 

- Globalization and increasing tolerance for mergers creating monopolies. 

- Jobs move overseas and wages begin to stagnate. 

- The divide between rich and poor starts to skyrocket in earnest as the rich control and manipulate markets. 

- Conservative leaders try to mask the problem by ramping up the culture wars 

- 2008 financial collapse followed by COVID in 2020

- America elects a blithering idiot and criminal (twice no less) to assuage the people who are desperately falling behind. 

- It fails miserably 

I like movies

Movies provide us a condensed version of life. They make us cry, laugh and commiserate with the characters because, when done well, we can deeply relate to what we see on the screen. 

Over those two hours we cannot fit all of the subtleties that real relationships experience over the course of years. That mental progression and growth is left on the cutting room floor lest the movie extend to well past the patience of the audience. 

Great movies make us think about where our own lives have excelled or perhaps gone slightly wrong. We are inspired by characters we wish we could be like or incensed by their capacity for cruelty. We pat ourselves on the shoulder for being better than that and walk away relieved that our lives aren't all that bad. 

However, we are far more complicated creatures than a movie script allows and we tie a ribbon on the story as the music swells and the final credits roll.

Every day

Every day that we are alive a new tiny piece of the puzzle regarding the mystery that is you emerges. The combination of life experience and reflecting leads us to some new morcel of insight. 

If you are older you have hopefully mostly stopped caring about what others think and have plunged into your own psyche to discover who you are; perhaps who you've always been but were afraid to be. 

People will believe who you tell them you are the caveat being that you need to believe it too. There is no fooling the self because that would be pointless and blatantly transparent to others. 

I see people asking questions publicly like "am I this? how do I know I am that?" 

If we are asking someone else we've missed the point have we not?

If you don't know then they most certainly won't know either.