Anger

When I first started blogging, my life as a transgender person was relegated to outings that were used as dysphoria management safety valves. I wasn't yet aware to what extent that wasn't going to be a workable solution. 

Rather than push an envelope, I was hopeful regarding finding a resting point. I would fashion a hybrid existence where my feelings could be accommodated somehow and still lead a "normal" life. I came at all this via a stance of resistance beginning with complete denial until my early 40's. 

There was too much baggage to work through to have it be otherwise not to mention that maintaining a marriage and career which helped raise two small children became absolute priorities.

The regular outing model was awkward and clumsy and forced a mental state of secrecy that was anathema to my overall well being. Had my situation been mostly about pure expression it would have worked but it wasn't.

There was considerably more. 

Repressed anger becomes an issue and it was pointed out to me in 2007 at the hospital program. Lately I watched a video by a gender therapist who said that about half of her patients had this problem. 90% of them are transfeminine and those most frustrated tended to be those aware that they were indeed dysphoric but couldn't adequately deal with it .

I've been released from that anger for quite a while now and get mad mostly like everyone else (perhaps even less). For it turns out that aging also increasingly offers us perspective.

I just have a little bit of indignation left.