Recipe

Retirement for me became a full life examination process. We slow down and remove obligation to permit a reflection into how we got here. For me this turned out to be more than how I navigated life as a transgender person to this point. 

I thought about the assumptions regarding how life was supposed to work as someone who was taught to follow a very precise recipe. Now I could look back and see how much of that was true; how much of what I had banked on turned out to have merit. 

Those of us who grew up buying into the nuclear model didn't question it. We married, had children and asked questions only after the cracks began to show in the foundation. We had compartmentalized our lives to such a degree that any deviations now were all but impossible. 

If you asked me whether I preferred to be young today versus back then I would be conflicted. While we had the order and structure and the means to have a stable existence we couldn't benefit from the power of an authenticity which wasn't exactly encouraged. In that sense I would opt for today. 

When you retire and if your mind analyzes everything, you may find much the same thing happens to you. You will take stock and slowly dismantle the vestiges of what turned out not to be true; especially for you.