Clueless??

We definitely know why we're not coming. Maybe they can ask us...

Value

Understanding our value can be very difficult since so much about this world involves comparison and adherence to societal benchmarks. It's almost as if we want to measure it in a vacuum outside of what the world considers important. 

In fact, that is exactly what we need. 

Our true value is about the core principles of honesty, integrity, empathy, honor, dignity and other aspects which elevate the person and which often have little to do with what society looks for. If we shoot for that standard we will somehow never measure up to it. 

I understood this intellectually for years but not as viscerally as I do today because it takes living to concrete it in the psyche. I was partly trapped in the same bubble as everyone else who tries to keep up with a system which was already set up well before I was born and mistakenly assumed was mostly correct. 

If we human beings often lack confidence in ourselves it is because the system is rigged such that we always feel less than. This will be even more pronounced if we don't naturally fit the model we were told to follow. Hence we squeeze ourselves into pretzels trying to abide by the rules until we become fatigued by them. 

Once we disengage we start to see ourselves differently and independent from what the world wants from us; this includes partners, family and friends.

We become finally and truly ourselves.

           Cafe in Gamba (rue Laurier)

Why Boredom is good for you

 

The good old days

There's no such thing as the good old days. If one simply reflects on the past they will find a whole host of postives and negatives which cancel each other out. For example, I would hate to live in a time where diphtheria or a pneumonia would have potentially killed me. 

Rose-coloured glasses are a powerful weapon which simple minded conservatives love to utilize. They imagine keeping things static or better yet returning to some era where they could feel more comfortable and not be perturbed by over-thinking or needing to accept people they learned to despise. 

No, there is no such thing as the good old days but instead the extremely high predictability of human behaviour in every era.

One of a kind

Clothilde is a force of nature and so when we met yesterday, that vibrant energy of hers was once again unmistakable. I don't know anyone who even comes close to resembling her. 

She wanted to see the new Royalmount mall and I agreed knowing that they aren't really my thing. Nevertheless going there with her and her ebullient energy would make all the difference. We met at our designated spot and then took the metro together which at first she found distasteful being used to driving everywhere from her suburban life north of Montréal. 

Chloe has expensive taste and once there she gravitated towards Gucci, Versace, Jimmy Choo and Louis Vuitton with a confidence I don't possess knowing full well I have no intention of investing $2,000 on a bag. She commands attention at every location. 

At Versace while she tried on some things I struck up conversations with the sales girls who were perfectly lovely. One of them was 25, from The Ivory Coast and has been here seven years; the other was tall, of mulatto complexion, 32 years old and soon to get married. She told me her mother was 6'2" and her father 6'4" which made me smile after I had made my initial tall and proud comment. 

To say that Chloe is not a shy person is an understatement and she often disarms people with her frankness. When we leave each location we get warm smiles and please come back soon.

If I were ever tempted to think that being timid is a good thing, I just need to think of how people respond to her. My own openness with strangers has paid huge dividends I did not expect before I decided to take the risk.

Can't fix everyone

If I sit down with a transphobe and probe into their psychology I promise you that I will find either breath-taking ignorance or some form of trauma. 

There isn't the slightest doubt. 

I know many well-adjusted and intelligent people, the vast majority of whom have absolutely no issue with transgender people primarily because they have their own lives to worry about. To date I have only lost one friend but that is only because he couldn't get past our relationship changing in any way and not because of prejudice against transgender people in general. 

Transphobes can only truly repair themselves by looking inside their own psyche however we know that hatred of the "other" is as old as humanity itself and hence they will always be with us. They come along every generation and develop mental health issues which invariably involve exacting revenge on others. 

At my age I am past them but I do worry that their influence on younger people will derail many of them for a time. Thankfully the tide seems to have turned and, once we get past this last gasp of the hateful, the world can move on to being a more diverse place. 

No, not all the prejudices or the hate will completely disappear, only that they will hopefully be pushed by an increasingly smaller group of people.

Anything to obfuscate

The rates of anxiety and depression are through the roof in this era of ours. People have lost their way and their sense of meaning and you feel it in the air. We went through a pandemic but never regained our footing and now face an uncertain future in a world trying to remake itself in a new image. 

Since retiring I now have more time to observe and take the pulse of how people are feeling and reacting. Older ones tend to be confused and fear what is coming. My mother winces at the idea of robotics taking over the kind of tasks that even 10 years ago were thought to be free of their influence. AI dominates discussions and young software engineers and developers wonder aloud if they will soon become obsolete. 

We created this mess because we forgot the human equation. In our search for expediency and cost cutting we didn't factor in how society would start to crumble under the weight of the richest investors getting theirs and filling their coffers at the expense of everyone else. 

There will be retribution for this of course and it is coming organically. As the lowest people on the societal rung start to lose their grip they will become burdens on the state and some will rebel and act out. 

The latest shooting during a Catholic mass is one those signs that things are not well. The root of the problem will be avoided by blaming the "trans shooter" and how mental health issues among youth is causing them to be confused about their gender. Going beyond that risks having people awake from the sins of capitalism gone astray and in its late stages. 

Anything to obfuscate.

"Normal"

Becoming fully ourselves requires some degree of courage. It will sometimes mean that we are ready to stand out among the crowd and break with convention. Human beings are emotional before they are logical with a fundamental drive which looks for acceptance by society but as we get older that tends to go away upon realizing that people aren't all that clever (some blithering idiots) and much of the foundational aspects of our society make no sense. 

Failure to complete this process of independence will lead to frustration as we age. We have seen behind the curtain, understand some of the inner workings and yet are still paralyzed with fear of being singled out by people who turn out to be perfectly stupid. 

This is a deeply depressing thought. 

Failure to find one's own authenticity is like not completing our journey into full maturity. We end up with stunted psychological growth which stops us from breathing. 

I used to ponder on the idea of "normal" until I realized there was no such thing but instead a timid pack mentality which keeps many people from progressing into authenticity.

Flood the zone

If you flood the zone enough, people become desensitized after a while. Imagine Watergate and how quaint and insignificant it appears in retrospect. 

On those tapes, Nixon fantasized about things that Trump now does on a daily basis. You throw enough molotov cocktails and after a while it becomes the new normal.There isn't a shred of doubt that the Trump regime is playing footsie with dictatorship and by sending national guard troops into major blue cities you are sending messages that the idea of martial law isn't far fetched. 

It doesn't take much. 

What doesn't help is that we live in a deeply stupid timeline where conspiracy theories proposed by idiots are taken seriously. Small wonder that there is a sizeable group of people who believe in a flat earth and in a whole host of outlandish ideas. Stupid is very hard to repair. 

If I had any doubts about how other despots did it in the past they have all been removed. The combination of herd mentality, complacency and lack of critical thinking all conspire together to have people "watch the birdie" while their country is taken away from them. 

Years from now historians will look upon Trumpism as just another regrettable episode which was almost inevitable yet came so close to being preventable. 

The only true antidote for authoritarianism is an educated public who fights back but for decades the US became the perfect breeding ground for having your brain dumbed down through mass consumerism. 

Times were good for a while until they weren't and the zealots waiting in the wings pounced with their cultural agenda which would see the country fall backwards and remove hard fought personal freedoms. Groups like the Heritage Foundation pounced when they saw their chance with their toxic project 2025 agenda which will ultimately fail but not until much damage is done.

Sabotage

 

Gossamer Folds

"Gossamer Folds" is one the best transgender themed films I've ever seen. This movie about self-acceptance and the courage to be yourself in a world that is often fearful of difference. 

Transgender actress Alexandra Grey does a fine job here as the next door neighbour who befriends Tate, a 10 year old boy who is adapting to the breakup of his family through a divorce. She is empathetic and realizes he is struggling relating her own difficult experience growing up to this episode in Tate's life.

The characters here are believable and real and we relate to most of them including the older father who has trouble understanding the daughter he always had but never fully acknowledged. The film is set in the 1980's which explains why there was considerable resistance. 

Even Tate's father berates Gossamer with insults as he learns that his son has been interacting with her and fears negative influence. 

This is a fine film with subtle direction and a storyline highly sensitive to the subject matter. 

On Tubi and strongly recommended.

The Beauty of Less

 

Cleanup on aisle nine

Like all wannabe dictators, Trump is pushing the envelope of what is left of US law. Bolstered by a fringe right supreme court and a DOJ that is ostensibly his private law firm, he thinks he can do no wrong. 

He likely won't survive a full presidential term as decades of bad health practices and late night social media toddler rants without much sleep are catching up with him. This should snap his most fervent cult members who think he is a great businessman out of their stupor but the country will still be a shadow of its former self. It turns out that modeling yourself after Russia and Hungary are not conducive to a happy electorate. 

JB Pritzker and Gavin Newsom have understood the mandate for the Democrats and are going to adopt the "they go low and so do we" approach that so many Americans want from them. Let Hakeem Jeffries and Chuck Schumer write the strongly worded letters. 

But irrespective of strategy, the money in politics and the stranglehold by corporations are ensuring that the implosion takes place anyway. Long after the most eagerly awaited obituary on the planet, there will be cleanup galore to fix all the damage already done.

Only we know

As my retirement adaptation period comes to a close, this blog may be coming to a logical conclusion. My journey began around age 4 when I began to realize something was up with my gender and, as I approach 63, there is not much more to say regarding gender dysphoria and its management. Other than that I could write about politics or life in general which may or may not persist. 

Have I completed my gender transition? For all intents and purposes I have as no physical alterations are in store. My upstairs neighbor and friend commented recently during our outing about the very positive mental changes she has seen in me over the last 6 years since we met. She knows how surgical I have been and how the introspection has helped me arrive at a baseline that transgender youth today take far less time to achieve having been spared the baggage we had to carry. 

Understanding how we need to live is the most important aspect which must be understood almost in a vacuum and disregards the opinion of others. The exercise must be brutally honest and devoid of influence which may push us in a particular direction. If we were to base our identity on the changing definitions over the last few decades, we would realize what a mistaken strategy this would be.

Who we are isn't decided by a label, poll or by comparison but instead via an internal compass that avoids groupthink. 

Only we have the answer.

Why evangelicals support authoritarians

Evangelicals believe that people can't be trusted to make good decisions. They take an approach that people can't fundamentally trust their own thoughts and they need protecting from an unsafe world that is always tempting them. 

Using this dogmatic prism you can then understand why authoritarianism appeals to them because it introduces a protector who guides them and keeps them safe. Never mind that he is flawed as long as they believe he has been prophetically provided. 

Simplistic thinking like this doesn't require the development of critical thinking skills but instead the adherence to the leader who tells them what to do and provides safety and order for the flock. 

The liberal intellectual stance thinks the opposite and appeals to the fundamental goodness in people to do the right thing using the freedom provided to them. They believe that an educated public is more likely to choose wisely and doesn't need a paternalistic approach that a conservative (who ostensibly fears the world) would take. 

The Jesuits, who for centuries were the intelligentsia of the Catholic church, tended towards liberal education and embraced intellectualism to help improve the world for the most people.

Once we understand how people think we can see why their politics align with that world view. It may not be one we agree with but at least we can now attack their reasoning from a place of knowledge.

In this light, the adoption of Trumpism by simple minded evangelicals can be understood but it doesn't make it any less aberrant or dangerous.

The Holdovers

"The Holdovers" is an exceptional film. It's about life and how each of us struggle with our own little demons. 

Paul Giamatti is his usual brilliant self here as the private high school history teacher Paul Hunham who has to watch a group of students held over for Christmas break in 1969. In particular he gets to know Angus Tully who is his class nemesis; a young man who has things to sort out and who Mr. Hunham ultimately gets to help out. 

There is also the school cook Mary Lamb who has lost her young son to the war in Vietnam. She adds gravitas to this film as her personal pain grounds everyone in realizing that life can be fleeting. The actress Da'Vine Joy Randolph won the Oscar for her performance as Mary.

This is the story of a ragtag bunch of wounded souls and one of the finest films I have seen in recent memory. 

On Netflix.

Temu

Temu is a site I have ordered from twice now and so far so good. The black patent pumps I wore to the wedding (see below) were inexpensive and of decent quality. 

The ballet flats I just bought from them (also pictured) were only $20 CAD and today is the second day I work them in. They seem sturdy enough and have a tiny heel to boot. 

There isn't much I need these days and when I do I thrift, but shoes for women above size 11 obliges me to shop online and, since I am avoiding Amazon, Temu has been a nice alternative.

Try it and see what you think although if you live in the US I suspect Trump tariffs will take huge bite out of the savings.

No quick fixes

Even if Trump were to disappear tomorrow the US would still be left with a grave problem. One half of the country mistrusts and even hates the other; something which has been slow cooking like a stew for decades now. 

Trump was simply a facilitator to let the most unseemly instincts of many see the light of day. The racism, the misogyny, xenophobia, etc. were encouraged to percolate to the surface accelerated via a social media landscape ripe for expressing frustration and hatred. 

The US has never properly dealt with its civil war and the south and middle heartland retain some of its instincts to suppress minorities bolstered even more through the influx of undocumented Latinos of recent years. The GOP has used this as culture war fodder to distract its low information base while it takes away their resources. 

This isn't going to be resolved after Trump leaves. Gun violence and corrupt political practices have only made things worse as corporations and special interest groups curry favor through their superpac donations. 

No, this mess will take decades to fix and, as the empire slowly crumbles, it will allow many who want justice to advocate for concrete solutions that may see the country rise once again to a level where fairness is no longer a dirty word.

Kierkegaard was right

"Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy"

Clasped between the palms

Romantic love is part biological imperative and part wish to be seen and appreciated for who we are. It is also the desire to cherish someone else deeply and almost join souls with them. At least this is the portrait we want to sell ourselves.

Many of us end up a little disappointed of course because we sometimes assumed the formula was fulfilled after the initial chemical reaction. If we didn't look sufficiently beyond it we found out the hard way about how multilayered it all is. 

Some people have told me they don't want to die alone and so they look for partners in their 50's and 60's not realizing that one does indeed die alone. There is more to the formula than just having someone at the bedside. 

People are the most complex animals on the planet which is why their mating habits are also affected by so many factors. Some look for attention that their parents didn't provide them or want to fix someone else and mold them into an image they have in their mind. 

The process is sometimes so complicated that it is like trying to keep water safely clasped within one's palms.

In other words, good luck with that.

Watching the aeroplanes

 

The dust settles

My upstairs neighbor and I went to Old Montréal for lunch yesterday. We left early but even then the old town was already bustling with summer tourists. 

I don't notice people that much anymore and whether they look at me or not is of no consequence which has made things so much better. You simply exist comfortably in your own skin and if I do happen to catch someone's gaze they just note a person calm and happy to be there on a sunny day. 

My neighbor wanted to enter a little gift shop where we were greeted to "hello ladies" in English; the woman assuming we were tourists. As a French person, my neighbor's English is crude to non-existent and she sometimes resents being addressed in it. I, however, have no such issue. 

I then admire the saleswoman's dangly earrings which prompts her to show me the line she sells which greatly resembled them. I declined politely. 

Afterwards a lovely lunch was had in a micro-brewery nestled  inside the Bonsecours market which serves food followed by a cappuccino in the Cafe des Arts. Later, a packed metro and bus ride home on a Friday saw no increase in my blood pressure.

Once at home I couldn't help but note my absolute sense of peace and comfort which has paralleled my slow but sure adaptation into retirement.

The dust continues to settle nicely.

Carousel

 

Mr. Eclectic

 

More like her

Clothilde called me last night which was a treat since we don't speak very often. We met close to 20 years ago when the idea of me coming out would have been far-fetched science fiction. 

She worked in the cosmetics department of The Bay department store and was beyond sweet to someone who was then painfully timid about exploring the world as myself. Her support and that of others became instrumental in me finally deciding to increasingly live authentically.

Things have changed for both of us since then but her jubilant energy remains unperturbed and her Caribbean warmth comes out in every phrase. An infectious laugh is never far behind. 

People like her are what the world needs but there aren't nearly enough of them. We agreed to meet next week after almost 2 years of not seeing each other face to face and it will be as pleasant as always.

It's a cult

 

"I've Had It"

Jennifer Welch has a mouthy and abrasive style I admire. She calls Trump voters Triple Trumpers and their god-king "Cankles McTaco Tits" in honor of his bloated body and circulation problems attributable to fast food. 

She lives in Oklahoma and so is intimately aware of what Christian nationalism does to the teeny brains of limited white people she grew up with. She worked years as an interior designer primarily with gay men and women who had to develop a tolerance and affinity for diversity. 

She is fearless which is an attitude sorely lacking among the tepid resistance of the Democratic party. A charisma-challenged Hakeem Jeffries talks about sending strongly worded letters and draws jeers from people fed up of weak knees in defense of democracy. The GOP has no such inhibitions. 

If you haven't yet watched the "I've Had It" podcast, you owe yourself the favor to get a taste of her ballsy behaviour.

Inner truth

I am very aware that I don't get many comments here. Not that it matters all that much but hope my bluntness isn't the culprit although I suspect it does not help. Also, my writing isn't entertainment but primarily consists of exploration. 

I address every topic in the same way. I look in the crevices and try to get to some fundamental truth which can sometimes go against personal narratives.

Any kind of personal dogma tends to see people recoil from being challenged. For example, orthodox religious people will follow their faith but cannot say that their strict adherence is attributable to the words of an deity they have never met. 

The ideas we formulate need to be passed through a sieve of critical thinking after which we may need to admit that we have hit a brick wall and cannot proceed beyond that point. 

Failure to examine the why of our thinking could lead to self delusion and prevent us from attaining some fundamental inner truth our personal blinders were blocking.

To be seen

As I was waiting for my bus to depart yesterday, I saw a young confident transgender person somewhere in their 20's walk towards the metro entrance I had recently exited. The overwhelming sense I always get with youth is that they don't care about anyone's opinion because they are free of concern; at least much more so than my generation was. 

I think many people could be able to tell that she was transgender but the body language said that she didn't care. She was living her truth with purse slung over her shoulder. For all I know maybe my assumption of pronouns is even incorrect. 

People my age were afraid to test the elasticity of the binary and for good reason. One thing would be a costume party or a theater performance but it would be quite another to live that way everyday lest you have a death wish or love to be insulted in public. 

To express what was inside of us meant switching polarity and "passing" as the other sex which could often be frought with dread and plagued with feelings of being an impostor. Even some people who transition medically can be racked with this feeling that they aren't fooling anyone. 

We have done ourselves a favor and dismantled the binary enough to allow people who don't fit into conventional models of masculinity and femininity to exist outside of them. No one stares or bothers them and are thus given more options to exist without switching sides. 

The hardest thing I had to do in my life is embrace authenticity by rewiring my brain circuitry. Existing in any form of secrecy produces revulsion after a while unless your cross gender expression is purposefully meant to be temporary. This means that a formula needs to be found which elevates self-respect and matures the aspects that were forced to be kept hidden. 

Everyone deserves to be seen.

Ramona

 

Fragile

The right wing uses blunt force trauma with no subtlety because they lack it. You won't find many intellectuals within its ranks because thinking things over to improve life quality for the most people doesn't form part of the game plan. 

Once they've applied a wrecking ball to everything the adults need to come into the room later and clean up their mess. History repeatedly bears this out.

Jefferson said that you get the government you deserve which doesn't sound very comforting but he wasn't wrong. Democracy as imperfect and messy as it is makes for a fragile thing. Even in its healthy state it is chock full of injustice. 

Sometimes you need to destroy what you once had (imperfect as it was) to finally learn your lesson.

Grounded

From the first time I saw Kimberly Reed being interviewed I was impressed. Here was this calm, matter of fact woman who used to be the captain of her high school football team in small town Montana. The problem was that she had a huge riddle to solve. 

Dysphoria was eating her alive and she knew she had to do something about it which she did. 

In the years since that Oprah interview she has remained that thoughtful person who is steadfastly herself. I realized then that this no-nonsense human being had her feet firmly on the ground and knew who she was. If people then had preconceptions about all transsexual women back in 2010 she helped to begin to dispell them. 

She's done nothing but elevate her profile since then as a film director.

The problem in a nutshell

 

Emily

 

Proportional

Fear tends to be proportional to the importance of something; or at least it should be. If we are giving a major presentation in front of an important client or jumping out of an airplane these things will increase our fear. 

It doesn't mean that we shouldn't do them. It just means that we take them seriously but still move forward. The presence of fear isn't the reason to back away.

The alternative? Paralysis which is considerably worse.

Close but no cigar

I used to end my periods of writing by saying that it was no longer as useful because I had arrived at a comfortable place. However we are always working on an asymptote and just hopefully keep getting closer to a better place internally. 

Even if my blogging serves a slightly different purpose these days, I want to emphasize that this tweaking towards more personal enlightenment never really stops. 

It keeps going until our time here is up. 

If we are progressing at every stage it means that the introspection is paying off. We are being honest with ourselves and looking into the mirror with no fear of a blunt self-appraisal. 

We realize that working out our gender issues doesn't mean we've worked out everything else.

"I'm Your Venus"

Venus Xtraveganza (nee Pellagatti) was born in 1965 and strangled to death in 1988. She was featured in the film "Paris is Burning"

The documentary "I'm your Venus" is about her brothers trying to get her a legal name change posthumously and affirm her gender identity plus discover more details about the murder.

It's an emotional film which shows tough men who weren't raised to comprehend this issue come to terms with her murder and deal with the injustice in the only way they can so many years after the death of a free spirit who was ahead of her time.

On Netflix.

Lilywhite Lilith

 

Kindness and calm

These days I focus on being kind and being calm. I can't think of two better things.

Both are their own reward and they feed our essence in a way nothing else can.

Once we embrace authenticity fully, they tend to come on their own.

We never know

My youngest sister played golf until recently with someone who was found dead in his backyard hot tub by his son. He was only 50 years old. 

We never know when our time is up. 

At 62 I take nothing for granted and see everyday as a gift. I look ahead to nothing other than seeing where my life takes me in the moment. Yes, I have a routine which grounds me but also a lot of flexibility which sees me appreciate the little things in life more than ever. 

I overheard the barista this morning talk about the funeral he had just attended for a 58 year old which prompted me to write this post. 

As a transgender person I knew I needed to get to where I am now except that for the longest time I didn't know how. I just knew that losing my father to lung cancer was always there playing in the mind. He was only 60.

Its also why I retired at 60 because we just never know.

Power

We cannot change the world but we can change ourselves and in so doing we can impact others.

Oppenheimer

Oppenheimer is a must watch. 

As usual, Christopher Nolan performs his magic here and profiles a man who was conflicted about his role in the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki which ended World War II for Japan. 

The machinations and back stabbing of politics are here showing how the world always operates with the same power dynamics; the same envy, hate and stupidity which are incurable traits in humans of every era. 

The US obsession with communism is front and center here and is used as an attempted gallows for a scientist who was interested primarily in studying quantum mechanics.

On Netflix and very highly recommended.

Bias

When people are faced with a wide range of possibilities they tend to get more lost. You give them 10 multiple choice answers instead of 4 and you just spread the distribution of wrong answers and decrease the number of correct ones. 

When IQ tests were first developed in the early 20th century, they found that people who scored well in math for example also scored higher in other subjects (with some margin left open for variability in each person). This is how intelligence quotient was developed because some people routinely scored higher than others over the same range of subjects. 

IQ isn't everything because even if it predicts the likelihood of higher reasoning it doesn't guarantee the person will choose the wise and empathetic solution. You could be a narcissist ship's captain and let others die before you do because wisdom and altruism are more than just about critical thinking. 

There were test results shown in a survey regarding the efficacy of skin cream to treat rashes where failure to consider the sample size and thinking proportionately would have you give the wrong answer. Those who used no cream had a higher proportion of being cured than those who used the cream but the sample group who used it was considerably higher which fooled many people who only looked at the highest number on the results grid. 

When the survey took into account political leanings of those who took the test the results were similar regardless of affiliation. 

The test was then changed to be about the use of guns versus restriction on them and unsurpsingly those who leaned right politically gave different answers than those who leaned liberal. The reason is of course bias. 

Therefore when we deal with people who have pre-baked bias plus low critical thinking skills we are facing an uphill battle which is something we can anecdotally understand from our life experience.

An old joke

The old joke went something  like this: 

Q: What is the difference between a "crossdresser" and a transsexual? 

A: About 3 years. 

The subtext here was of course that some people were underplaying their situation to avoid upending their lives and succumbing to transition. This was particularly true for gynephilic transsexuals from my generation and older. 

But this certainly wasn't true for everyone and today's society bears it out with its expansive ways to openly express and identify under the full banner of gender variance. 

It's an old joke representative of a different time that we aren't returning to.

Homework

The Line is a call-in show that deals in secular humanism. The hosts are all atheists but they argue for compassion and dignity for all human beings from the perspective of rationality. 

Predictably they get more than their fair share of oddball callers who are ill prepared and with little to no critical thinking skills which makes the hosts' job easy if a bit frustrating. People will hang up or get boisterous when you have cornered them with rational arguments. 

The hottest topics are religion and (you guessed it) transgender issues where one particular host with a doctorate in biology surgically goes through the arguments for the validity of transgender people. He never successfully gains converts but if nothing else pins them down with a wrestling move where they can claim a tie even if they have lost the match. 

The problem is that people reach a desired conclusion and then look for evidence to substantiate it which never works. Yet it never stops them from trying. People don't like having their world view destroyed (no matter how unfounded) and it upsets them when you unravel it. 

While I am not an atheist and am indeed transgender I know well enough not to attack issues from completely the wrong angle and that you need to do your homework before making your claims.

Wearing confidence

I used to worry about my height and body shape until I started to play close attention to women who come in every shape under the sun. Some outweigh me and perhaps could put me in the hospital if I ticked them off (who knows). 

As I built up my confidence in who I am, concerns about clothing went away. What I wore was just a matter of preference and sense of style and nothing more. Self-conciouness disappears which is the worst form of confidence killer I have experienced by a long shot.

A sleeveless summer dress? It's on my radar but it has to speak to me. My neighbor and I are going dress shopping for her and good chance I pick one up too.

Get dressed to the nines but without confidence in who we are it's almost for naught.

Rich

Wealth doesn't automatically add blinders to people but it can help them along. Once they become comfortable they get used to living on a cloud and can become desensitized to the rest of the world. 

This is basic human nature. 

My friend Sylvie went recently to the lakefront cottage of her cousin where she noted how many of the people there were into possessions and the fruits of their wealth. Many of the conversations centered around what rich people do without much thought for how others live which stayed with her afterwards. 

Here is the argument for taxing the rich (which used to be basic policy in the US in the 1950's). If you don't do it their own natural instinct will be to avoid them once they have achieved a certain societal echelon. It's why trickle down economics is a fallacy and always was. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being rich provided your feet stay firmly planted on the ground and in reality. There is also the point that there is such a thing as having too much of it.

Happy

Once we've lived a while we realize that no new thing is going to make us happier. No new purchase, relationship, trip or promotion will add to our overall long term well being. The reason for this is that our sense of contentment comes from inside of us and we are the only ones who can influence it. 

This is something I learned the hard way as many of us do but there is a bright side in that once we understand this fact we can work on our sense of self and live more simply with less distractions. We don't need to chase things that the rest of the world seems to covet.

More powerful than you know

Be yourself, live your life says AOC...

Bouree

I only saw Tull in 1980 but here they are in '69....

You tell 'em Charlie

 

Inflation

To no one's surprise who has their thinking cap on.

Moral of the story? Don't let an imbecile set a country's economic policy...

From her generation

I was speaking with my mother yesterday who was born in 1936 and is pushing 90. Hence her knowledge of certain issues is limited even as she has come a very long way in her acceptance of diversity. 

She sometimes calls what I do "dressing" even as I live authentically because of her limited vocabulary but I correct her and say transgender. Yesterday I might have made a breakthrough when I explained that in a sense it's like being reversed in your brain. Then she says: 

"You are a woman in a man's body" to which I respond yes of sorts. I have always been this way adding that our clinical understanding of gender dysphoria is still very much incomplete.

"But you like women" she adds emphatically.

Then I use the example of my lesbian niece who loves women but is also feminine. I explain to her the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation. 

People from her generation eventually get it after things are explained to them. They had other issues even if everything aligned with societal norms because everyone has something.

It doesn't matter that she doesn't comprehend a subject matter I have been exploring for years due to its intimate impact on me. She just needs to accept which she very much does.

It's all that matters.

Fire with Fire

Gavin Newsom has started to play fire with fire and his tweets are now mocking Trump by writing them at a 3rd grade level in all caps just like the way the tangerine does. 

Newsom even ends them with: "THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER - GCN" 

If Texas redistricts then he has promised that California will do the same. Trump is shitting bricks knowing that the midterms look really bad and will likely lead to a massive GOP loss and almost certainly a 3rd impeachment for which there is plenty of just cause.

Maybe the dems have found their voice.

"You're a fake"

There is nothing more tenacious for older transgender people than impostor syndrome which keeps telling you that you are a fraud, you will be found out eventually and rejected. 

Others don't see it because they accept us at face value and believe who we tell them we are. Therefore we are the problem and not them. 

The origin of this syndrome is the hard coding of original programming received virtually since birth. It is so deeply pervasive that I don't think this syndrome is entirely curable. If you live full time it can even worsen for a time until you find a way to wrestle it down to a manageable level. The longer you lived in denial the more difficult it will be to view ourselves outside of this lens.

Transgender youth grew up in a world that was far more malleable and are much less prone to fall prey to feeling like impostors. 

The best way out of it is to rethink the binary in your mind and abandon the coordinate system you accepted as being correct. We fashion a new one which includes other diverse people who make up the human mosaic. This is of course easier said than done.

In spite of all the progress I have made over my life, the wedding and retirement party I attended were both subject beforehand to a voice inside the head warning of things that never transpired.

Wasted energy; all for naught.

Tide turning

It's surprising how quickly a country can fall prey to demagogues. After all, the Weimar Republic fell apart within a few short years and gave way to one of the most villainous regimes in history. 

In 7 short months the US is a shadow of its former self and will continue to get worse until the impulses of the current regime are stopped. The hypocrites with the crosses are making a mockery of what good governance is supposed to be and it's hard to stomach as they fawn over a drooling idiot who can't stay off social media.

The problem is that the composition of societies is roughly the same in each nation. You have the obtuse and disinterested, you have the hopelessly gullible, you have the nefarious and self interested and then you have intelligent people trying to do their best but are outnumbered by the rest. 

Therefore if a nation is taken over by the wrong crowd there isn't much one can do other than wait for the realization of the people that they are facing tyranny and must rise up against it. That terminal point is undoubtedly different for each country and each era has its particular set of criteria which hinders a public outcry. 

Nothing surprises me anymore but what interests me is watching for that moment when the lights come on in sufficient numbers and the tide finally turns.

Couple

I was walking right behind them and it took me two minutes to realize that they were a transgender couple. Both not yet thirty, I had first noticed the slight hint of facial hair on one of them which made me pay closer attention. 

Each was holding a young child and once they were down the escalator I knew I was dealing with a modern couple who have found each other beyond the old binary. 

The natal female had slightly purple hair and a nose ring which would have shocked the overly prudent and faint of heart in decades past. 

But then this is a new era and thank God for it.

Bread and Circuses

We live in an era where stupidity isn't a bug but a celebrated feature but how did we get here? 

People aren't any smarter or dumber than they were decades ago but the focus and priorities of societies shift such that certain traits are either celebrated or discouraged. 

Social media had a hand in destroying confidence in subject matter expertise and acted as unification vehicle for the simple minded who could now find each other more readily and build echo chambers. 

If the Renaissance preached virtue, intellectual pursuit and beauty our era is the bread and circuses phase of the Roman empire implosion where distraction from truth and intelligence  became the norm to soothe the masses and prevent them from paying attention. 

This phase too will pass only it will get considerably worse before things get better.

Living wisely

I think it was Schopenhauer who said that we cannot trust intellect alone; that wisdom is also nested in living in the moment and knowing when to stop analyzing to simply experience. We eventually understand that not everything comes with a ready solution which emerges after repeated reflection. Life comes with a fluid chaos naturally baked in.

Living one day at a time without future bias is difficult because existential angst sees us imagine some better scenario down the road which typically never comes. 

I think one of the reasons some have trouble with retirement is they imagined a state where everything would be resolved and the little hamster in the brain would stay quiet when, if anything else, the extra time only invites more ruminating.

Loulou

Loulou is much like other transgender films you might have seen. Youth knows they are different early in life but grows up in deeply devout religious family who doesn't understand at all and may never. 

Only a kind and loving nun gets it and they even find some sympathy from a tough who is more than likely gay but dare not have that kind of courage and come out. 

On Tubi and recommended.

When your children are right

My son gave me some good advice recently. He said that I should tone down my indignant attitude. 

For years I was like a ticking time bomb and now with no filter I can get abrasive with stupid and ignorant people which serves no purpose other than elevate my blood pressure. 

He is right of course and as I work my way increasingly into calm territory I need to put down the weapons I developed over my lifetime. I still need self defense, but I don't need to overdo it.

Rabia

Rabia was born in Algeria and is in her late 40's. She has a wonderful energy about her and we caught up over brunch yesterday in my neighborhood at one of the nicer spots I know; a cute French style bistro. She has taken the month of August off and feels free as a bird. 

She felt limited growing up in a Muslim country as a woman where she would very much be a second class citizen. Having gone through her phase with a head scarf and trying to be devout, it didn't take and she adapted to western culture with a natural flair which suits her bubbly personality. 

We used to work together and over our meal she tells me I'm brave which I dispell by saying that we simply get tired of feeling subjugated by the whims of a mostly irrational society. 

Afterwards we go thrifting and she quickly spots Michael Kors ballet flats in her size for 12 dollars. She cannot believe her luck after already having found two perfect dresses which was the result of both of us scouring the racks. 

People like her form part of my social circle of good people who knew me before but primarily focus on the character of the person in front of them.

Metheny and friends

 

Zappa

 

Lizard brain

The latest distraction from the Epstein files is about needing to bring the national guard into Washington DC because crime is, after all, at a 30 year low. 

However, Trump needs something to show he's being tough as his clown car regime continues to falter. There must be something new to fill the news cycle especially when your poll numbers are in the basement. 

America is unraveling and the tariffs haven't even really kicked in yet. Grandma has been shipped to alligator Alcatraz, soon Johnny will lose his health coverage and that new car the family needs will cost $20,000 more thanks to Trump economics 101. 

If Trump read "Governing for Dummies" he may have taken it too literally. 

I am waiting to see what happens when his already scrambled mind gets even worse and how his minions in Congress and the Senate deal with a president whose slurring and obsessions with water pressure worsen by the day. The people showing up at town halls are mad as hell and it will only grow much worse over time. 

Meanwhile Pete Hegseth is involved with a Christian Nationalist cult that preaches women shouldn't vote and be subservient to their husbands. These crazies are the ones leading prayer breakfasts and speaking in tongues at the back entrance of the White House. In case anyone forgot it's 2025 and not the Salem witch trials. 

There really is no hope for people other than to destroy everything and need to start over. I think it's called lizard brain.

I can't help but imagine Jefferson, Lincoln or Roosevelt coming back from the dead and witnessing the current occupant of the White House talk about windmills.

It would be priceless.

Dysphoria and sex

If you aren't yet sure where you sit with your identity, you might find this discussion useful.

Here Dr Z mentions AGP even as she doesn't align with Ray Blanchard's viewpoint. That being said, some people do associate with the profile like the recent detransitioner Ray Williams who says a fetish made him transition...

Assuaged

I'm not ever going back to the US if I can help it. No one cares about me and my absence won't be missed but my sense of morality will be assuaged. Roughly twice the population of my country twice voted for an idiot criminal and a rapist likely without much hesitation. 

Meanwhile television stations of states bordering Canada wonder aloud if Canadian tourists aren't coming because of the exchange rate with an obtuseness of missing the point that makes one's blood boil.

I have people in my own family who rationalize their strange political ideas. They will choose an issue like an abortion and ignore that the politician on their side of the issue is a heartless psychopath who doesn't care about disenfranchised people. I have come to terms with this kind of disconnect in some people.

This is hard for me to swallow but it completes a circle of understanding of human nature as I live the last third of my life. My illusions about people have been permanently dispelled as some triumphantly trumpet their stupidity on social media with no hint of shame or self-doubt. The Dunning-Kruger effect very much lives on. 

I have told my children that as they get older the amount of idiots they encounter will grow sharply. It's not that their numbers have increased only that their ability to recognize them will drastically improve.

There are some wonderful and glorious souls in this world but sadly they are outnumbered.

Wanna date?

Courtney Ryan has a youtube channel where she gives men dating advice. She is probably in her early thirties and her most recent video was titled "Why are so many intelligent men single?" 

The first comment on the list read "because they are intelligent" and it garnered a very healthy amount of likes. 

The relationship business is broken and there are many factors at play. It isn't just youth although young men between 20 and 30 are the most affected by the current famine (my son being right in the middle). People aren't connecting like they used to because society is drastically different than it used to be. 

Marriage went from a business transaction involving money and children to a quaint and romanticized concept with more options for making a getaway than ever. 

Many men got taken to the cleaners after a nasty divorce and society took note. Women elevated themselves through schooling and decided that baby making wasn't their cup of tea. My 27 year old daughter wonders aloud if she is indeed meant for motherhood. 

All this will take a while to settle but we aren't going back to the old model since both sides have changed for good. The balance of power has shifted and more people than ever understand that being single isn't the societal failing some saw it as. 

In this environment, many see it increasingly as a blessing.

I lost my head

Gentle Giant in 2025...

Un dimanche a Montréal

 

Go Bernie

Bernie Sanders may yet see a return to fairness in his lifetime; at least let's hope so. His fight oligarchy tour is picking up steam and even deep red states are getting huge turnouts because people are tired of falling behind. 

The capitalist model of the US ran astray and over the last 50 years has been steadily spiraling into dangerous territory as the bulk of the population falls away from what used to be called the middle class. 

Late stage capitalism happens when you can no longer feed the furnace with prosperity and a constantly climbing GDP is impossible when the population trying to sustain it becomes increasingly impoverished. This is precisely what is happening and the result becomes implosion. 

Trumpism has been the disaster I suspected back in 2016 when the idiot was elected but since the democrats were too involved with their corporate ties to take the problem seriously, the GOP hate machine took over and fed cultural red meat to people looking for culprits to blame as distraction while they installed their toxic policies . 

Go Bernie go.

The holy grail

The reason that older people tend to have a problem with existing somewhere in-between the gender binary is due to their rigid programming. In the past the idea of "passing" was absolutely essential if you were to be left alone. This meant that both "crossdressers" and transsexuals aimed for the same thing which was the holy grail if you wanted peace of mind in public. Existing between the two monoliths was a definite no-no and certainly a safety issue.

Today young gender variant and transgender youth don't aim for "passing" (although they may attain it simply through starting hormone treatments early). Their aim is living their truth and being themselves thus much less perturbed by the idea of being singled out. 

Since the public is very aware of them they just confidently exist and don't care what you think of them.

Insight

In life every time we ramp up to a new stage there is level of work that must be done to come to a deeper understanding of self. When you are 40 you think you are there only to discover at 50 that you weren't. Then you come to 60 and realize that at 50 you still had things to repair and more things to discover. 

The entire journey is about unraveling the truth behind all the myths that the world adopts so it can carry on functioning. 

These days I am happy to take advice from my children who sometimes offer wise insight into the flaws we just accepted as part of what makes us who we are.

A moment

I have gone back to oil painting and my brushstrokes are now looser and more relaxed. I decided to paint my daughter's portrait on a small canvas and leave it looking like a study. At a certain point I just dropped the brushes and said enough. 

I admire impressionists like Sorolla and Sargeant who are still playing in realism but where you can clearly see the strokes sometimes raw which convey energy and remain signature accents. We don't want a photograph but instead capture a moment.

Gravity

 

Discipline

I grew up with rigid discipline and a sense of responsibility that I am now toning down because I can. It's a kind of reinvention of the self based on what my soul demands as remediation for what I was taught. It's the last remaining battle to be fought. 

I wasn't the kind of person who would ever let their guard down or give myself leniency. Instead I felt I had to perform to a standard which was in part rooted in avoiding being seen to fail in front of others. We are our own worst critics. 

I was successful but it takes a toll especially when you have a deep dark secret. 

Today I preach that everyone give themselves a break from the obligation to perform and it's when we get older that we realize much of it was absolutely for nothing. 

For we are allowed to be vulnerable.

Time and time again

 

A natural break

Retirement is a natural break between an old life and a new one. For a transgender person it can be the chance to live more authentically than ever before because options are open regarding what bridges to our old life we still want to be left standing. 

Some relationships whither away naturally because they are mostly anchored in career. Others are also situational based on whatever hobbies we used to practice and suddenly stop doing. We are offered the opportunity to weed through our previous connections and see who merits keeping close ties with because they value the real us; the person who is much more than just a gender. 

At 62 not much gets past me and BS doesn't work on me. I can almost read people like a book. 

I have decided to let this process be organic and allow whatever new people come in and old ones fall away to come completely naturally. 

All without great expectations and with openness to spare.

Gender fluidity

I don't know why I am so turned off by the concept of gender fluidity. Maybe because I don't understand it viscerally and cannot relate. 

I don't want to be two people, I want to be one and when someone talks about two personas I reject it outright.

I have always thought about my situation as someone coming to terms with who they are progressively over a lifetime but always being the same person. I don't have two people living in me and I behave the same way all the time. 

Young transgender people don't need to live for years in one presentation and then switch. They won't be forced to reconcile a previous life with a new one. They will just have one.

If I were young today knowing what I know I would simply medically transition and be done with it. My compromise solution as an older person, however, has worked.

A rare commodity

One of the weird advantages of excess is that it gets exposed very easily. Things are going so badly on a daily basis in the US that it's making it impossible for the Trump regime to cover up its incompetence, lies and sheer stupidity.

Their bravado has increased and with it the mistakes and the least educated among the public are finally starting to catch on. 

A Trump voting farmer bemoans that his cherries are rotting on the vines and realizes that ICE has helped decimate his workforce. 

Critical thinking is a rare commodity.

Contagion and predation

The most reliable hand that the gender critical movement plays is the idea that transgender people are trying to usurp the role of biological women and even prey on them. It is the replacement theory. 

Transgender people are far from stupid and most highly educated in a topic that has been the elephant in the room often since earliest memory. They are aware of chromosomes, gametes, and the science related to them. 

But if criticals run with only the criticism that transgender people shouldn't be left alone to live their lives, it doesn't play well with the portion of the public that is most afraid and thus prone to hate. 

Moral panics work best when the public they are trying to scare fears for their own safety and sees potential consequences. Hence contagion and predation must be preached.

Snow White

 

Fear and loathing

Anyone born during the 1960's or before would have had a much greater propensity towards self loathing and would have done their best to ignore their dysphoria particularly if they were misaligned with sexual orientation. 

Therefore woman-loving transgender people would have shown up to clinics as a last resort instead of as first instinct. This was less so the case for someone who was attracted to men (androphilics). 

Self loathing would have been encouraged through the messaging received even within one's own family where a father would have desired a son who didn't cry and didn't cross his legs after he sat down. 

The gender critical movement didn't need to try as hard in the 1980's and beyond and even had eager transitioners like Anne Lawrence agreeing with them. Fast forward to today and their targets are far less likely to put themselves down and surrender.

Mindset

I've noticed that when people happen to look at you they search for reassurance that you're calm and self-assured; in fact it's the only thing they look for. 

I can cross paths with a group of teenage girls and they will completely ignore me. If I happen to catch the eye of one them I will smile and they will smile back sweetly. 

It doesn't matter whether they doubt your gender identity or not because transgender people are no longer a rare sighting for anyone in 2025. 

I'm in public transit every day often during morning rush hour and the main thing that has progressed greatly over the last decade wasn't my makeup skills or clothing savvy (which have only slightly been tweaked); overwhelmingly it has been the mindset.

I am almost to the point where transgender youth is now.

Almost.

Google

YouTube now has plenty of content about the rising cost of groceries in the US. Tariffs are starting to hit and, people already struggling to keep up, are going to have to think about skipping a meal or changing their eating habits. This is so Trump can pay for the tax cuts for the richest Americans. 

Things in the country are upside down with the concept of the American dream officially over. 

If you like bananas, avocados, coffee and anything else not grown or produced on American soil, those prices are going up. With tariffs also on softwood lumber, steel and aluminum coming from Canada the cost of toilet paper and packaging (which uses aluminum for example) will also be going up. 

"I love that big beautiful word tariffs" said the buffoonish Trump during his campaign to adoring crowds in his rallies. Whether he understood the concept himself or was lying is at this juncture unimportant because his brain is toast. He also loves the word "groceries" as if he invented it himself.

I don't imagine too many in the crowd with the slightest doubt went home after the rallies and Googled "tariffs".

Who knows, maybe they have by now.