Guarded

I stopped trusting people when I was quite young. I began to see cruelty early and took note of it. People were quick to insult and as a shy kid I didn't take to it well. 

Over many years I learned to toughen up and used intellect to be dismissive of the type of people I identified as potential boors and bullies. It worked but it was a defense strategy which required much energy and never letting your guard down. I couldn't be vulnerable and allow myself to be discovered as someone with a secret I held since early childhood. 

After a while this becomes exhausting. I had first born syndrome which meant I had to perform and be a role model that my parents could find favor in. Thus my gender dysphoria could never be divulged lest they reject me. 

I had repressed anger issues for years and dealt with them by being a creative musician and artist being plus putting energy into career and children who have both turned out to be admirable human beings. 

Now it is time to let the shield down and allow things to be so much easier. I still know better than to trust prople fully but I am learning how to do it with the right ones while I protect my authenticity.