Punishment

Jack Smith has a bullet proof case. He has witnesses, he has video, he has recordings plus the lunatic ramblings of the accused himself.

The only thing which remains in question is what, if any, the punishment might be and, given the volatile and almost surreal polarization, that isn't immediately obvious.

A kind of mourning

If you are a trans person who was ever non self-accepting, at some point there needs to be a kind of mourning taking place for the character you tried so hard to be. The older you are, the more invested in that person you were and the harder it will be to make that mental shift. Up to the age of 45 I was completely in denial and it's taken the next 15 years to slowly come to a place of balance in large part because by that age the demands of career and family distract us so much. Don't get me wrong in that I took the right path but it means that last bit of work had to wait until retiring and having grown children.

Some people with perhaps little to no dysphoria find some formula which works years before I did but I know I am hardly alone because I have read many narratives like my own. Many have been late transitioners.

Today I understand those people far better than I thought I ever would and why I warn those like me that, if it hasn't yet, it may hit them later with the intensity of a freight train.

Great expectations

The most reliable person you know is yourself. Others, whether inadvertently or not will at some point disappoint you which is just a fact of life.

I think that's why it's important to be self-reliant while understanding that the value we find in others needs to be tempered with the knowledge that we are imperfect beings. If we have high standards we are just setting ourselves up to be let down by people.

I have learned this lesson sometimes the hard way and am working towards a more lenient understanding of how the human psyche works to let go of that instinct to judge with less than honorable justification.

With great expectations, even of ourselves, often come great disappointments. For our high demands cannot and should not be so easily extended to others.

Rem

Our new elevated train system....

Bamboozled

Religious fundamentalism is an abomination. Devoid of any rationality,  it hinges itself on fantaticism and dogma which appears to be entirely free of logical thought. The school of faith and reason of Aquinas this evidently is not.

Christianity, particularly in America, has been in many places abducted by fringe right wing ideology which cherry picks its ideas using the weight of a vengeful God but also one who apparently rewards believers with monetary wealth. The prosperity gospel of a Joel Osteen, for example, bristles against a forgiving Jesus who breaks bread with sinners and encourages we give away possessions.

That this bamboozles so many is one of the reasons I need to work my way back from my being despondent about the intelligence of humanity.

Mercredi matin

 

Narrative

Being able to write our own narrative is pivotal especially in absence of a concrete explanation of why we belong to a tiny minority. This means developing a philosophy which, although not necessarily jubilant, seeks to see our difference as a normal part of the variability of nature.

I am not an advocate of the idea of seeing being transgender as a super power but also no longer see it as a plight on my existence. It is a fact of life one gets accustomed to and we fit into our lives in the healthiest way possible. The alternative is to constantly suffer in anxiety and depression and live in apologetic self-flagellation (which many suffer from as I once did).

Nothing in life is easy but feeling negative about something which is so intrinsic is completely futile and why perhaps a little pride is superior to desperation. Once I began to change my personal narrative I started to see improvement everywhere and my ability to blend in increased dramatically because what I was missing was all about mental attitude rather than physical traits which (apart from height) generally favored me.

It is not at all easy living openly as a transgender person especially in the toxic environment of today which makes our personal mindset and courage all the more important.

Mood

I dressed up like a girl yesterday.

I don't know why but was just in a mood for a dress and my block heel pumps. Happens from time to time :)

No major walks was also a motivation.

Little steps

I saw a young woman with her trans partner this morning. It is becoming less of a rarity.

The way her partner was dressed and carried herself gave the strong impression she lived this way full time. They were maybe both in their twenties.

Little steps.

In which it resides

Trumpism shone a light on the fallacy that "it can't happen here". Many Americans, perhaps blinded by their own programming in their country's exceptionalism, could perhaps be forgiven for thinking that fascism was something they were naturally immune to. The reality was quite different and even now neo-Nazi groups regularly show up at drag time story hour reminiscent of 1930's German brown shirts.

It turns out that people are very similar everywhere you go with equal measures of hopelessly stupid, brilliant, kind, mean-spirited, and every other combination we can think of. Critical thinking skills are also not more proportionately numerous in any one nation; something I have never been so certain of.

As I wrote here before, this has been my closest seat in observing how a populace can detail itself so readily through being led by the type of toxic, imbecilic and narcissistic leadership which seems to appeal to so many.  While I may not relate to the mindset, over my life I have nevertheless learned to recognize the types of people in which it resides.

No, it's not pretty but regretably highly predictable.

Tourbillon

We can get so caught up in the machinations of life. I see it more clearly now in retrospect in my own previous life and now when I see colleagues burning the candle at both ends with career and family balancing.

So much of life is consumed by burden and what little time is left for us we don't spend examining the self. Now I can look back and see clear indicators which I just sped past because I was too busy caught up in the whirlpool.

We need time to examine who we are and what we need because, in that negligence, how else can we tend to the needs of others.