Anger

When I first started blogging, my life as a transgender person was relegated to outings that were used as dysphoria management safety valves. I wasn't yet aware to what extent that wasn't going to be a workable solution. 

Rather than push an envelope, I was hopeful regarding finding a resting point. I would fashion a hybrid existence where my feelings could be accommodated somehow and still lead a "normal" life. I came at all this via a stance of resistance beginning with complete denial until my early 40's. 

There was too much baggage to work through to have it be otherwise not to mention that maintaining a marriage and career which helped raise two small children became absolute priorities.

The regular outing model was awkward and clumsy and forced a mental state of secrecy that was anathema to my overall well being. Had my situation been mostly about pure expression it would have worked but it wasn't.

There was considerably more. 

Repressed anger becomes an issue and it was pointed out to me in 2007 at the hospital program. Lately I watched a video by a gender therapist who said that about half of her patients had this problem. 90% of them are transfeminine and those most frustrated tended to be those aware that they were indeed dysphoric but couldn't adequately deal with it .

I've been released from that anger for quite a while now and get mad mostly like everyone else (perhaps even less). For it turns out that aging also increasingly offers us perspective.

I just have a little bit of indignation left.

Furious

 

A double layered problem

Over the years I noticed there were two distinct types of help required regarding gender variant behaviour. One was dealing with the guilt and shame over wanting or needing to do something which infringed on acceptable social norms. The other was how to deal with gender dysphoria and its demands. 

Both were difficult because in my time it was a double layered problem. This meant that once you had dealt with the top layer you might have then realized a second layer was still waiting for you; one you might not have expected to encounter. 

Today that top layer relating to social stigma is largely gone which leaves much room to explore a second layer which may or may be really there. In other words, some people could mistake the eradication of social stigma for needing to go further and some of course have.

Those who have dysphoria and have lived with it for decades, don't need me to tell them that second layer is considerably tougher.

Not by a little, but by a lot.

Pitchforks

The next four years will demonstrate what false populism can do to a nation. People who don't think and are impulsive will be the first to be shocked followed closely by the single issue voters who decided to hold their nose and gamble on an idiot and his court jesters. 

It will be extremely ugly, full of corruption with almost unbelievable levels of incompetence. It will be my up close and personal view of how gullible a population can be; a level I never thought possible. That being said, half of Americans agree with me. 

Do tone deaf corporate democrats still clinging to Neoliberalism share the blame? Without a shadow of a doubt. We are turning away from liberal versus conservative stances and leaning into issues of class warfare where it won't be long until the pitchforks come out and the Bastille is stormed. 

For there are plenty of other Luigi Mangiones out there.

Traffic

My traffic has shot up dramatically here recently which reminded me how inconsequential that is regarding what I need to say. There could be 10 people reading my blog per day and it would change absolutely nothing. 

My exploration is mostly for by own benefit and this a journal I would write irrespective of outside interest.

However, if some people find value in it then I am extremely glad.

A beautiful mess

How do we know where life will take us? Well we don't. I certainly didn't and a 25 year old me would have been flabbergasted and incredulous upon finding out where I would be at 62. 

It turns out that a life journey isn't about adherence to a predetermined plan but instead an organic and beautiful mess which challenges our preconceived ideas. It is a test of our resilience and ability to adapt. 

Growth can be chaotic and unpredictable but if we aren't challenged we stagnate. Understanding where we need to be versus where we think we should be is pivotal.

Idiots

It's difficult enough to win an argument with an intelligent person. It is impossible to do so with an idiot...

Montréal avant Noel

 

Innocuous

In the past, men dressing up as women on television or stage and even the female impersonation circuit was tolerated and even celebrated. For one thing, it was considered harmless and viewed as innocuous enough with either humor or admirable imitation as primary objectives. It didn't affect regular people enough to be considered threatening for it was sufficiently boxed in and contained. 

Major television stars such as Milton Berle and Flip Wilson regaled in frocks for laughs while at the same time you also had Le Carousel in Paris produce lavish shows where the performers were often indistinguishable from genetic females. Many of them, such as April Ashley, were already in hiding and under various stages of medical transition before being thrust into the spotlight as transsexuals.

As gender variance moved slowly into mainstream society suddenly a threat was introduced because lines were blurred and considered a challenge to social norms. It was fine when a few cases transitioned as novelties or performers dressed up on stage, but now there was an infectious disease which, according  to conservatives, threatened to spread like homosexuality had. Never mind that the suppressed instincts of a small percentage of the population had always existed. 

But if we now remove from our calculation people who are gender variant for reasons outside of a conflict of core gender identity, we are left with about 1% of the population. If we then consider those among this tiny group who medically transition, we are left with an even smaller number still. 

Imagine all the fuss over that.

Let's just say that over estimating human intelligence would be a grave mistake.

Deeper

Human psychology is so complex as to make our own at times an enigma even to ourselves. We go through life phases and it goes most unexplored in youth when we are still learning how to navigate the mechanics of existing in a complex world. We live and propel ourselves inside a hamster wheel which doesn't allow for sufficient introspection. 

As we age we hopefully become less self-aware regarding how we appear to the world and can then delve into understanding our own psyche. Our lived history can be analyzed through the lens of social programming as well as predisposition to certain behaviour. 

Not everyone wants to delve deeply into the self because it can sometimes be painful but it would serve them well to do so. The examination of patterns both good and bad can help to us to fine tune going forward and improve our daily existence. 

Our mindfulness can only benefit from it.

Not so simple

We constantly speak in terms of left and right with regards to the political spectrum. In truth it is considerably more complicated than that because many people have very mixed views on issues that are more layered and nuanced than a simple model would suggest. 

Yes, there is some common understanding when we talk about left and right but not every issue can be broken down along those lines. The US in particular is fractured in what appears to be two voting monoliths which is largely due to only two major parties controlling the dialogue.

I was thinking about two recent cases. One is the NYC subway choke hold death of a homeless man in which Daniel Penny was acquitted recently in court. The other was the CEO shooting by Luigi Magione also in NYC.

The reaction from people in media traditionally associated with the two political factions was expected and yet not so from the public. One example was Ben Shapiro being sharply admonished by his own audience for turning the CEO murder into a left versus right issue when for them it was a class issue. His patrons, who tend to lean very conservative, saw it as a sign that the unfairness of the US health insurance business was feeding into the type of rage that could have encouraged this type of killing. 

People are complex and when you poll them on issues without identifying the policy maker they sometimes end up approving ideas that run counter to their political affiliation. 

We each have philosophical leanings which affect our politics but not every issue can be readily broken down around a left versus right paradigm.