Vulnerable

I've had to work on reducing my intensity. For years I developed a life script based on duty, performance and keeping things under control. 

Life doesn't take kindly to being controlled. 

Vulnerability wasn't really something I could indulge in because it meant dropping my guard and divulging who I was afraid to be. As a result I played the social game so perfectly that I fooled even myself. 

People of my generation and older didn't have much elbow room to maneuver. We were raised by parents who knew hardship and who adhered to social norms like they rules never to be broken. Many of those rules came with religious damnation attached to them. 

Performance for society is no longer in my playbook and vulnerability towards the right people is something I work on because it's good for all of us. 

A good friend of mine before she died of cancer at age 63 told me how she had benefitted from dropping her defenses and allowing people to help her. 

She embraced vulnerability completely and her message has stayed with me ever since. 

Today I take up much more space within my surroundings than ever both metaphorically and physically except that "look at me the wrong way and I'll smack you" as a primary reflex isn't the correct way to be.