Delusion

The increasing likelihood of collapse of the American economy will finally cure the most rabid Trump supporters. Not because they've had a Jesus moment but because the incompetence has finally touched them and they can make the direct connection to their leader. 

Suddenly the idea of hating the "other" will become a lot less appealing. 

This moment has been coming for a while now. Like a simmering pot that finally comes to a boil after all the ingredients have been added. Decades of one side hating the other have blinded people who are obtuse to the reality that their democracy is collapsing under its own weight. Greed and corruption are no longer sustainable. 

When no one pays enough taxes there isn't enough money to keep the country afloat and what was good enough for America in the 1950's now passes for socialism. The hyperbole about drowning government in the bathtub will pay off in making sure the largest number of people possible share in the misery while the ultra wealthy sliver of the population reap the benefits. 

To add insult to injury the poorest Americans will bear the brunt of the kind of ill-advised tariff policy that helped kick off the great depression.

At this point, to look at Trump and his regime as anything other than a clown car on its way off a precipice would require a monstrous amount of self-delusion. A delusion that is hopefully slowly but surely coming to an end.

Operating out of fear versus preference

I ended up having a problem with leading a compartmentalized life when I realized that the primary reason for its existence was fear-based psychology instead of out of preference. 

It was fear of rejection and fear of ridicule which drove the way I lived although I will grant that there were structural issues regarding coming out later in life as I was well known in my industry. Thus as I neared the end of my career, it became more of an event to do so than if I was near the start. However had I been younger I simply would have transitioned at work with the green light from HR which I had received some years before. 

The point is that we should examine what is driving our psychology and if is mostly fear-based then I am here to tell you that this is a mistake. 

People who think they are being altruistic to family, friends and partners by denying who they are feed into degrading their own self esteem; you are telling them that you are somehow less than. Even my ex-spouse has hinted many times indirectly that she shouldn't have initiated divorce in spite of the fact that other major differences existed between us. 

Also, to date I have lost only one friend and gained many more. 

If we are primarily living out of fear we might want to examine how realistic it is because I can tell you that, from where I sit today, 90% of mine was entirely unwarranted.

The darker times

The progress with our dysphoria doesn't happen during the heady postive times but instead during the periods of most doubt. It is in the darkness that the real work is done. 

It's easy to be euphoric but when you are feeling negative and everything is put into question is when we need the most elbow grease and work on the psychology. 

People who are already happy with some sort of formula are fine but if you are still unsure about your resting spot it can be daunting sometimes regarding what to do. The most progress I have made was during the heavy questioning that had me feeling negative about how to handle life openly while belonging to a small fragment of society. 

In that sense we should embrace the darker periods since we do our most productive introspection then.

The same old song

If you are despondent about this horrible timeline I have some good news: people have always been this monumentally stupid but they simply didn't have the power of access that they do now. The megaphones didn't exist for them. 

Podcasts like Piers Morgan's and many others make money by drawing in eyeballs and fanning outrage and many people are more than happy to oblige. We yell at our screens or comment and nothing changes except maybe our blood pressure. 

We survive in spite of our stupidity and we go through historical cycles where the weight of bad judgement results in a wave of change which begins another cycle of prosperity. We aren't strategically smart but instead end up correcting the excesses of our often horrific ideas. 

The fundamental flaws are permanent because our fear, greed and stupidity are baked in.

Listen up Pete

 

Matching energy

Some people aren't the least bit shy and so we can be called upon to sometimes match their energy. I will be sitting in the metro and they will almost invade your personal space as they look at the metro map right behind your head. 

If you squirm uncomfortably they will pick up on your fear and discomfort. 

Depending on the person I will either smile or give them a slight frown to signal that they are infringing too close. The same goes for people who love to stare at others. 

This morning I was on the metro sitting next to people about my age going to see the Montréal marathon and their speaking Spanish made them notice that my attention was piqued. A friendly smile on my part opened up a short discussion with the two women and the man who ended up being very nice. 

All this to say that matching energy becomes important such that we protect our space and dignity while at the same time being able to open the door to the right people.

The public can tell when we are in the right head space. It's like we give off a scent.

Connecting the dots

The south Korean engineers helping to start up the EV battery plant in Georgia had perhaps not expected the level of toxicity they recently experienced in the US. A woman had called ICE who responded and dealt with them like criminals despite the fact that they held the appropriate visas. These specialists were there to commission equipment and automation and train the US workers who would eventually run the plant.

A $400 billion dollar investment by South Korea is now put into question thanks to ineptitude measuring an 8.0 on the Richter scale. 

Racism is alive and well among many white Americans who still see black, brown and even Asian people as not qualifying to be fellow citizens. It's like they never got over the Civil War. 

A woman recently canceled her Airbnb reservation when she drove into the property which was adorned like a political vigil to Trump. Within 5 minutes she canceled her reservation leaving the owner (MAGA hat on head) confused as to why not everyone appreciates cruelty and stupidity with the same fervor. 

Farmers who have lost their Chinese soy bean market to Brazil (not to mention the USAID consumers in Africa who went hungry), now want government bailouts as reparation for their lack of political judgement. 

Why so many people lack basic critical thinking skills continues to beffudle me even as I've learned to always expect it. They don't seem to understand how the dots line up until the consequences of those connections hit them squarely on the forehead.

200%

Some people seem to think I have something against those who identify as "crossdressers" which I very much don't. Granted I am not overly enamored of the sometimes stunted teenage girl level lack of maturity and psychology but I support them 200% to live as they choose. 

If anything  I wish they were a little braver in 2025. Many if not most tend to be older and feel cornered by life circumstance.

It bothers me that many feel trapped like I once did and would like them to be more emboldened to be more open and to not feel that they need to hide or feel shame.

No one who feels trapped and powerless can more forward into new ground. It's never too late to make changes.

Goodbye Stranger

 RIP Rick Davies...

In unison

Americans are speaking with their wallets and Disney is shitting their pants following cancelation by millions to their streaming services. Things got so bad that their site crashed as people went en masse to register their displeasure over the indefinite removal of Jimmy Kimmel's late night show from ABC airwaves. 

The best way to fight the authoritarian instincts of an increasingly mentally declining buffoon is for people to push back in unison. Disney now has a black mark on their record which they may not fully recover from proving that weak-knee capitulation is a very bad idea. The company that tells stories about standing up to bullies betrayed their own principles and will regret it.

Three friends

I had lunch yesterday with three female colleagues (ranging between their late 30's and early 50's) who are difficult to assemble in one location thanks to the frantic pace of my former company. They are all doing well but then a good deal of the conversation hovered around work frustrations which is very understandable. They remind me of the stress I lived under for years which was punctuated by the gender dysphoria I did my best to manage. 

I've known them for years and they know all about my journey; maintaining a level of support I couldn't have imagined receiving years ago. I am just part of their group and they never falter with their use of pronouns. 

The difference I notice is mostly in my internal progress which they are of course not privy to. The discourse regarding where I was going to land with my day to day life going into retirement wasn't something they could viscerally understand even if they were extremely empathetic to what it might have been like had they been in my place. 

What is patently clear is that I have grown greatly in comfort and confidence over time which makes you more present to people. You aren't second guessing how you are being perceived because you are being yourself instead of putting on a mask. 

If I've learned anything in my life is that we constantly morph and change to hopefully become more authentic people. You don't care who is looking or why and, as a result, people can tell you know who you are. 

We texted each other afterwards and in response to me saying how lovely it was to see them altogether, Nadine wrote "it was lots of fun spending time with you ladies. Free group therapy!" 

Indeed; therapy for us all.

Steal

I have a keen eye for thrifting and when I saw this leather backpack purse for $15 I couldn't believe my luck. I can't live without this type of bag and one in such good condition at this price was a steal. 

The lady at the counter was very impressed with my find.

Sometimes in life it's when we aren't looking that we hit upon the best things.

Almost mandatory

There are no shortcuts to overhauling psychology. Something as primordial as our education in childhood which included gender rules cannot be refashioned overnight. This explains why everytime I thought I had arrived at a baseline I continued to progress into a different version of myself. 

If you don't need to undergo this process then be glad. However if your dysphoria is powerful enough to have had you seriously consider transition, it becomes almost mandatory.

Boycott

 

"What, Me Worry?"

I spent much of my life worrying and wasting energy which is why I counsel my children to work on eradicating this human flaw as much as they can. Given how much life will throw curve balls your way there is no point in it. Most of my fears never materialized but I braced for them regardless which made me feel obliged to build a suit of armor to go into battle. 

That readiness is no longer required but the instincts remain and they show up most often in the disdain I have for the world's unfairness. Knowing I cannot fix the world, I drop my preparedness to attack and embrace calm. 

I can have a very nasty disposition when it's needed but I have chosen to dismantle it slowly and be more forgiving of people who are largely more ignorant than full of malice. 

So I embrace the motto of Alfred E Neuman and say "What Me Worry?"

If you can keep it

Hitler did the same thing in Germany in the 1930's that Trump is doing in today's America. It is a slow and methodical capitulation by companies, universities and individuals who give up without a battle. It is then left up to the people to boycott and protest. 

This is how the Weimar Republic gradually became the Third Reich. 

American writer Sinclair Lewis is attributed with saying that when fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross which is precisely what has happened. American jingoism was already well-entrenched with the only missing element being the blurring of politics and religion which is always a deadly mixture. The US evangelical movement which is basically a perversion of traditional faith has been the element which could be the final nail in the coffin for US democracy; one that now hangs precariouly in the balance. 

I firmly believe that you get the government you deserve and the sad state of education in America virtually guaranteed that a complete imbecile would eventually take over the reins.

Societies are roughly split into the hopelessly gullible, the distracted and obtuse, the malevolent and finally the intelligent and just with the latter being the smallest faction.

That basically explains everything.

It's over

Jimmy Kimmel has had his show indefinitely suspended because MAGA had a complete melt down over comments made during his monologue regarding the Charlie Kirk shooting.

Beyond ludicrous. I suppose Seth Meyers is next.

No doubt that the orange blob had a hand in this. Good luck America; you had a nice run but now it's over.

Smells fishy

Something smells fishy about the text message exchange between Tyler Robinson and his boyfriend. Read the texts and you realize that no GenZ texts like that. I know because I have two of them as children. The use of language is very atypical for them and no GenZ calls his father "my old man".

I am not in any way a conspiracy theorist but the fact that two incompetent dolts like Kash Patel and Dan Bongino are running the FBI makes me ask questions. 

None of the clowns in the corrupt Trump regime can be trusted.

Performing gender

The reason why impostor syndrome exists and even thrives spectacularly among transgender people is because many are worried about being able to adequately, as Judith Butler says, "perform gender". They look at the social expectations and determine that they can't possibly meet them. As a result they are perturbed with being found out or not "passing" (a regrettable term). 

There are masculine women out there who are not worried about being mistaken for men (although some are) and simply live as they desire. The same psychology should instill itself in transgender people which should help solve a great deal of their stress. 

I can tell you with certainty that everything about you will change once this negativity is dealt with and you will be received far better by people.

Is this insecurity understandable? Absolutely; particularly among older people raised under a strict binary. However that shouldn't automatically mean getting stuck there.

The great unraveling

These are dark times to be sure. Societies are unraveling which is largely being driven by economic forces. The majority of the population is in the 'have-not' category which is unsustainable. 

No great surprise then that the countries with the highest degrees of unfairness are having the most internal turmoil. The US is living through the consequences of letting its working class carry the brunt of decades of poor policies and abuses by its ruling class. 

It's all coming to a boiling point which is why tempers and outrage are being fanned to keep the people from revolting. Social media has become a cesspool after its humble beginnings of simply trying to keep up with friends.

What happens now and when is anyone's guess, but if we base ourselves on the old authoritarian playbook, at a certain point you pass a limit and the dominos fall quickly in succession.

The sweet spot

I have discovered over the years that the sweet spot involves not thinking about yourself in terms of a gender. I don't mean calling yourself gender fluid or bi-gender but primarily to think of yourself as you and stop there. 

Splitting yourself into halves is even worse because it plays into stereotypes where you are playing a role in either guise. Ostensibly you are either playing the role of man or woman and we aren't performing seals but instead individuals. We risk being caricatures instead of being authentic.

No, the ultimate formula is to think about your essence and your authenticity decoupled from the definitions of society. You become yourself in isolation of those obligations which is the doorway out. Your psychology around this issue matures as a result.

This is particularly relevant if you have no plans to transition.

Once that mindset is nestled in your brain you have hit the sweet spot.

Being open

It was tight quarters at the little Cafe Myriade yesterday and my small table was nestled between a young woman on her laptop and an older lady sipping tea and reading her book. After a while another woman comes in asking if anyone has seen a little purse. The three of us look at each other and confirm that we haven't. 

The older lady on my right makes a comment about having done that before and suddenly we are immersed in conversation. She sees my purse on the floor by my feet and notes how wrapped up in conversation we can get up and leave it behind. 

This lady told me she was 89 (my mother's age) and I was aghast as she looked easily 10 years younger. She was Jewish and tells me her husband has been gone three years now. Of her four children only two are still living as her eldest were lost to cancer. She is part of that stiff upper lip generation that put up with so much and built up their resilience. She tells me what a horrible man Trump is and I concur with gusto. 

Of course she has little filter left like my mother and her tone is frank and open. Eventually we tell each other it's time to go but we promise to chat if we meet again. 

People can tell when you are open.

Posthumously sanitized

The death of Charlie Kirk has big time underlined the political divide in the US. What I found most fascinating was that when video of what Kirk stood for was shown on social media it was immediately criticized by the right in an attempt to whitewash his image. 

Was not what Charlie Kirk preached worthy to be cleariy shown as part of his legacy? After all this was available on his YouTube channel and shown on numerous debates. This would be confusing if human nature was not so clearly transparent. 

Trumpism is about giving people license to collectively hate which Kirk subscribed to. Therefore in spite of his regrettable death you don't get to sanitize the message posthumously and make him a hero for sowing division.

The Trump regime wanted to use this assassination as leverage but when your shooter turns out to be a radicalized youth with Republican roots it doesn't play well. Still, you can lie because a big chunk of the population is ostensibly clueless. 

The transgender partner cooperated and knew nothing of the scheme but that doesn't matter to the people trying to spin this story.

That the EU parliament rightfully refused a moment of silence for Kirk shows how they know it would mean tacit acceptance of the brand of intolerance he was selling.

Par for the course

My son and I were talking about the current state of the world and he acknowledged it can be daunting for youth to find a foothold within the current chaos. 

I was telling him that when I was his age we didn't get the barrage of information from all corners. We didn't have cell phones, computers were in their infancy and the internet was still only within the hands of a few academics. Fast forward to today and it's constant flood of opinion much of it unfounded vying for our attention. 

We are tempted to think people are stupider than ever but they aren't. They just have much easier access to your eyeballs. Stupidity is regrettably a permanent part of humanity.

When expertise was still valued, most people understood to keep caustic ideas to themselves for fear of being ridiculed. Today, they proudly trumpet them with the certainty that they have a captive audience who agrees with them. The same types of people that Mark Twain ridiculed in his time are alive and well in ours and are no smarter. 

If one were to spend their entire day on social media, they would come away in despair that there is no hope for our race. The bottom of the barrel is routinely scraped there. 

How we reverse this problem confounds me at the moment. What I do know is that the masses only learn through big consequences which is what will need to happen this time as well. As we finish this historical cycle and look forward to a reset, one hopes that the damage will be kept to a minimum. 

Brian Kilmeade who is a blithering idiot over at the FOX cult suggested that we could involuntarily euthanize poor people and just kill them. 

Mark Twain, upon hearing that, would just say to himself that it's simply par for the course.

No one wants it

No one wants or asks to have gender dysphoria. It is like asking for a permanent annoyance that hampers quality of life and one has to learn to live with or find coping mechanisms or solutions to keep it at bay. 

Someone responded to a comment on YouTube that I made regarding this issue which said that even people without dysphoria didn't always feel comfortable being pigeonholed by virtue of birth sex which I agree with. I responded to them that whatever helps improve their quality of life is a good thing. 

I suspect based on my reading that people experience dysphoria quite differently and at different levels but the phrase which always comes back to me is Anne Vitale's "gender expression deprivation anxiety" which comes closest to capturing what it feels like. 

Whatever our situation is, the only thing we need to focus on is applying measures that will work and continuing to uphold self-respect, self-esteem and transparency to those closest to us.

Out in the open

Precisely what Charlie did and Trumpism in a nutshell...

Un dimanche au plateau

 

Herself

I met my niece yesterday for coffee. She has moved into my hood with her girlfriend and was so happy to catch up as was I. She came out to her mother in her late teens (my youngest and favorite sister) and after some initial concern all is more than well. This is what happens when you have understanding parents who only want the best for you. 

She wanted to get into details of family history with me and I was happy to oblige. We were far from perfect as a group but gave off squeaky clean vibes through having been raised by exacting parents who valued education and comportment. 

My niece is slightly younger than my son with a disposition that is bubbly and inquisitive. Her page boy cut frames feminine chiseled features which betray a tendency to dress in more masculine attire. Were it not for her bone structure you could be forgiven for seeing a young teenage boy. 

Mostly though, she is just herself and there is nothing better.

The road to recovery

Charlie Kirk is now being lionized by the right wing and his death even handled with kid gloves by the mainstream media. His widow says the "movement will not die" referring to the caustic gospel that Kirk was spreading throughout college campuses. 

This is what happens when a society descends into hatred and division. It looks for the wrong people to blame for their own suffering. 

The fascism playbook historically never ends well and at the end of the process the US will be a shadow of its former self. It will need to rebuild itself into a nation where common sense and decency mostly prevail again but not after some blunt looking into the mirror takes place. 

Mass shootings and violence aren't the only problem but they represent symptoms of an underlying rot. People are angry that they losing ground economically having been led here by people who would blame the most marginalized groups as culprits. The ruling oligarchy stuffs their coffers while telling people to look elsewhere for the source of their suffering. 

Cultural witch hunts are always a diversion from an underlying truth. 

Many people aren't stupid and recognize what is happening to their nation but they are powerless to stop it. With a corrupt supreme court and congress bending the knee to a cult personality, not much can easily be done. That the leader is an idiot only worsens the problem.

However, the thing about a descent into a spiral is that there is always a bottom which once reached will activate a process of recovery. A process which I fear will take decades.

"Won't you be my neighbor"

Mr Rogers was on television during a slightly kinder era and Tom Hanks portrayed him very well on film. 

There is a sequence in the movie where Mr Rogers takes the subway and some school kids spontaneously break into his show's theme song. Afterwards the man accompanying him who is his biographer is shown the sign language equivalent of the word friend. 

Here is a moving comment I read recently which was inspired by that movie scene: 

"Once when I worked in a deli there was a deaf girl named Angelica. She really had no friends except for those who felt sorry for her. So once on my lunch break, I pointed at her and pointed towards myself and used this same sign of interlocking fingers and she hugged me so tightly I thought she was going to slap me but she knows how much this sign meant to her. I'm sure she went home and told her parents or room mates that for once I'm her life another employee, a stranger, showed that I loved her. She was my friend"

Game on again

It turns out that Tyler Robinson's roommate Lance Twiggs might be transgender (in process of transition) so the red meat is back on the table for the right wing brigade. It need not matter whether Twiggs had anything to do with the assassination at all. What's important is there is a transgender connection which is what they love. Twiggs is the one who tipped off the FBI but that doesn't matter to the conspiracy-driven haters who need there to be a leftist connection. 

So it's game back on.

Tag, you're it

The term 'trans' may one day water itself down to being meaningless which is maybe not such a bad thing. As our society develops a higher tolerance for diversity we may lose our instinct for labeling everything in sight. Instead we will just see people being people and leave them be.

Even now it is used so liberally that it brings up arguments among people including those who are gender variant. It is like a purity test which thankfully has lost much steam from its original heyday when it was brandished as a weapon. Transsexual women would sometimes have vitriol infused exchanges regarding their authenticity.

It turns out that human beings are odd and complex birds with all kinds of motivations which drive them. Something that makes tagging them all the more difficult.

Freedom of will

If all people were treated with respect we wouldn't need to group ourselves into clans. Traits like race, creed or gender wouldn't matter as much and we would simply measure value on the character of the person. 

Regrettably, human beings aren't as clever as that and we love to adopt the concept of the "other" so we can deal with our own insecurities and fears via comparison. Whoever is overly different from us is deemed scary and worthy of suspicion. 

It's very likely that this trait was developed in our early history as self-protection. We huddled into groups finding commonality through shared values and blood lines finding comfort and protection from predators who would steal our property or take our food source. 

All animals have this instinct and work in the same manner which means it's genetic and also helps propagate the survival of the species. While human beings have a higher capacity for altruism and kindness through our increased self-awareness and intellectual prowess, the flip side is our intelligence also produces more horrific outcomes because we can scheme much more efficiently. 

If we are dealing with genetics meant to be used for self-protection using them as weapons betrays their original intent. We are usurping a tool and using it for evil purposes instead of the common good. 

The price of having freedom of will.

Cliff explains things

 

Oops!

The right wing must be disappointed as Charlie Kirk's assassin wasn't a radical leftist, a visible minority, gay or transgender. He is instead a clean-cut 22 year old son of a Republican former Utah law enforcement officer and had received a scholarship to attend university. 

If nothing else this is a good result which should tone down the rhetoric but certainly not eliminate the country's worsening problems. The pitchforks and gallows would have come out had it been one of their cultural targets. 

Don't you hate it when the lines are blurred? This will really confuse the red meat Trump idiot base looking for black and white results. 

Radicalization of youth in this environment is not that surprising and after the pandemic many never regained their footing. This young man likely belonged to the alt-right Groyper movement who found Charlie Kirk far too tame and not hateful enough for them.

Middle aged dads

 

Just this minute

Just this minute I am sitting in a metro car diagonally across from a casually dressed transgender woman who is likely under 30. She is calm and collected and minding her own business. 

So are the rest of the passengers.

Plan B

Politically, Canada has more in common with Northern European countries than the US. In fact most western European democracies have more similarity to us. 

We think collectively and value the idea that most of our citizens be looked after. Rather than think in terms of rugged individualism we will give up having a very wealthy upper class to permit the existence of a social safety net. 

So while I grew up watching Gilligan's Island and the Flintstones, I became acutely aware of the key differences between us relatively early. Americans were more larger than life but we spoke more discreetly and tended to think more before doing so. This is a generalization but it does coincide well with my life experience. 

Mark Carney is now carefully making moves which will diversify our global alliances which I think is very wise. Even as we will continue to share much in common with our southern neighbours, we need to realize that a sizeable chunk of the country espouses values which are completely aberrant to the vast majority of Canadians. 

We need to have a plan B in this volatile and rapidly changing world of ours because our trust has been damaged.

A better use of energy

If we get flustered by weird stares or expressions on people's faces we will find being in public uncomfortable. For one thing they may not be thinking about us but simply glancing while reflecting on some personal issue. 

The more energy is spent on how we are being perceived by others the less is available for our authenticity. 

We are depleting energy for absolutely nothing.

Martyr

Before the shooter was even identified, the stupidest president of the United States in its 250 year history and his minions on the hard right were ramping up the rhetoric and talking openly of revenge against their perceived enemies. 

Charlie Kirk didn't deserve to die and his toxic ideology was best debated on college campuses which he will never be able to visit again. Instead he will now become a martyr and lightning rod for the cultural outrage that much of the country has fallen for. After being spoon fed hateful rhetoric about immigrants, women and LGBTQ people for decades on FOX News and other outlets, the right wing was waiting for such an opportunity to be outraged. 

Neoliberalism, globalization, greed and corruption got the country where it is but the rubes who can't see past yesterday didn't realize that the oligarchy is primarily to blame for the divisions. After being hypnotized for so long it will be difficult to sell them on reality. 

If Charlie Kirk's assassination sparks a wave of violence against progressives trying to bring the country back to fairness, it will only speed up a decline already well underway.

Thanks for nothing

I went to Sephora and got sticker shock plus another reason to hate Trump more than I already do. Not only had they changed their color line but the price of my usual foundation had almost doubled thanks to tariffs. If the tariffs get dropped I doubt there will be a subsequent price drop.

One of the young ladies helped me find my new shade. She was transgender by the way and roughly my daughter's age with a larger than life bubbly personality and confidence which was infectious. She was a big girl to boot.

"I'll help you honey" she says with a huge smile.

I left happy with the match but royally pissed about the tariffs.

Thanks Orange Mussolini.

Routine

I'm a very disciplined girl when it comes to eating. As we get older our metabolism slows down and the weight comes on faster and is harder to eliminate afterwards. I end up walking between 8 and 10 km per day all done before noon and eat healthy with some indulgences here and there. 

It's pretty much move in the morning and do the more sedate things in the afternoon. I have gone back to painting and music creation and piano playing never went away after starting at age 10 with my father's tutoring. One day I may add some other element to my arsenal but this is enough for now. 

Replacing a work routine isn't just about hobbies but about defining who you are besides an employee and a parent which many people don't reflect on and sometimes end up having a mini crisis of identity at retirement. 

I have a solid circle of friends who I see regularly (many of whom don't know my gender history) and this way I fulfill my need for human interaction. As a recovered shy person, I also have a penchant to striking up conversations with strangers which resulted in befriending and adding some of them to my inner circle. 

This work all began years ago before I retired and had I failed to do so I would be a bit lost today. As an older transgender person with years of denial and resistance behind me, this effort became all the more crucial. 

I tell everyone I know to do their prep in advance before stepping off that hamster wheel.

You proceed from there

As a natural introvert my daughter says she needs regular intervals of time alone away from her boyfriend who does not share that impulse even if he respects it. 

In retrospect I look at my own life within the confines of a relationship and know there is a tendency to find a baseline routine and then stop reflecting beyond it. The couple stops tweaking the formula and asking themselves whether it works until one day someone speaks out in frustration and possibly wants out.

There is no perfect formula of course but thinking that couplehood fixes your problems is a fallacy. It challenges your preconceived ideas and how elastic your compromise is and if you are lucky helps you erase your blind spots.

I tell my daughter and Ben that they must create their own recipe which disregards how others live. You negotiate the terms in advance knowing what makes you tick and isn't open for discussion because it violates who you are as a person. You are both good people but different in ways which must be respected.

You then proceed to build a life from there.

Escalation

Hard right conservative commentator Charlie Kirk has just been shot dead at a Utah Turning Point USA event as he was answering a question about shootings by transgender people. The strong 2nd amendment advocate has said that the price is of some deaths happening is not too high if Americans get to keep their gun rights. 

This story is dripping with irony. 

Of course no one deserves to be shot at for any reason but the recent escalation in America can be directly attributed to its current leadership and as predicted things will only grow worse before they get better. As the rhetoric ramps up so will the violence which no one should be exposed to or merits.

Is this the price of owning the libs?

Lover girl live

 

Desire

The Buddhists have it right in that desire causes suffering. The more we yearn for something out of reach the more we feel a disconnect that need not exist. The antidote is to be open to the universe rather than fight against its entropy. 

I feel better not wanting anything other than internal calm and harmony and whatever works towards that state is welcome. It may not even be in my sights but in my welcoming surprise I don't feel there is a void I must fill. 

Many of use desire as a pacifier to quell internal issues that would be best handled through quiet internal work on the self.

To disappoint

If we expect people to not disappoint us we're plum out of luck but then no one will do that better than ourselves. Self-defeatism plagues many of us as we accept our lot in life as if it were a sentence. 

Regrettably the courage to find ourselves fully outside of the sphere of influence of the world feels much more daunting than it needs to and once steps are taken outside our comfort zone we realize we should have done it sooner. 

That being said we must be primed to take jumps and work out the logistics before leaping. There is a delicate balance to be reached between reckless abandon and being stuck in place feet in concrete without seeing choices before us. 

My generation tended to run on auto-pilot and saw life with less options but with more safety in mind. Social expectation drove us forward as parents who had struggled early on in their lives hoped for a better life for us within predetermined roles which worked for most but not all.

Introspection fatigue

Once you do all that heavy lifting to get somewhere there can be a period of introspection fatigue. You've worked hard to understand yourself and find a comfort zone but it takes a toll. 

That is where I am now. 

I expect that as the dust settles I will let the reflexes which question everything relax. Already I am seeing signs of it. 

The unification work is mostly complete and you liberate the psyche in response.

Lead the way

I already knew that a non-negligible chunk of the human population has extremely questionable judgement and is self-serving but it was only the amount that was in question. It turns out that the number is larger than I had anticipated or dared imagine. 

Trumpism has made that clear to me and brought a blunt truth to the foreground as we watch sycophants turn themselves into pretzels to support heinous behaviour. Some people operate on hatred of the other as reparation for their own trauma and life frustration and lead entire lives that way. 

When times are good there is less ammunition for them but as conditions worsen economically they come out of the woodwork facilitated by leaders who use hyperbolic language to victimize people. Hitler used the terminology of "vermin" to describe Jews which then made his master plan more digestible. 

It has been disappointing to watch the US so quickly descend into chaos but then the conditions were ripe for it. It was lighting a match on dried kindling. The same tactic of blaming strawmen is being used here and as Arkansas farmers complain about loss of livelihood one questions their voting heavily for someone who helped derail it. 

The world will never work properly specifically because our worst instincts are baked in to our fundamental natures and without working against them surfacing, stupidity and self-centered attitudes will flourish. 

People will use all kinds of justifications to do bad things if it serves their objectives. To help them along there will always be plenty of sheep who will follow them.

Jocelyne Robert

Jocelyne Robert has resigned from the order of Quebec sexologists rather than face obligatory re-training. At 77 years of age she says she is very trans-positive but disagrees with a movement that is sometimes too quick to affirm gender questioning especially among very young people. 

I am also of the opinion that we need caution since I have seen this play out in my own family with a nephew and niece who ultimately turned out to be gay after initial bouts of gender exploration and doubts. 

As a very trans-positive person myself for obvious reasons, I want people to make the right decisions for themselves having sufficiently reflected on their options which at a young age is very unlikely since impulse is the preferred method at that juncture of life. 

If my generation hesitated and mulled things over sometimes for decades, today the opposite is more likely to happen. 

Unfortunately, transphobes grab on to the idea of caution as negation of a legitimate identity which couldn't be further from the truth. The point is that there isn't only one unique path to an authenticity which can sometimes take time to discover.

The common thread

If we look at gender expression in society today we notice that it is a spectrum. People exhibit varying forms of masculine and feminine energy both in manner of dress and behaviour. At no time in our history has this been more openly evident. 

The question which has always begged asking is regarding the contributing factors making some people question birth sex or at least make their existence within the accepted social boundaries for their birth sex be unpalatable. 

Today we have made answering this question even more difficult since gender variance spreads itself over a wider range of typologies. There are those who want to buck or test the elasticity of gender expression, those who enjoy masquerading as the other sex temporarily plus there are those with varying degrees of gender incongruence dating back to their early history. All of this makes perfect sense within the expectation of a spectrum but it confuses people who were used to and desire rules that comport to their world view; thus the backlash.

When you add the politics inherent in gender you see how some people can get very upset especially when some carry trauma which clouds their critical thinking and charitability. 

Compounding the issue is that within the spectrum of gender variance we have now introduced doubt about how to navigate life and what actions to take. Some people experiment with various forms of transition tailor made for them but leaves those who want a predictable binary confused and perturbed. It also upsets some older transsexuals who had to struggle to get where they are and left friends and family behind to live their truth in stealth. 

All of this drama has one common thread which is human fear and insecurity which magnifies an issue paling in comparison to the problems facing humanity. Income inequality and climate change come to mind but there are many others.

However, since humans are emotional before they are rational we appear to always be doomed to repeat the same errors and suffer the consequences.

To put it more succinctly, our stupidity limits us.

Stepping away

When you retire you develop an even more expansive view of life. Not only do you have more time to reflect but the bonus of experience gives you a new ability to focus. You see the world for what it is much better than when you were mired trying to keep up with its frantic pace. 

You are now trying to understand how you were able to live inside that box for so long and endure its worst instincts. Of course you had no choice and now you make the connection in your mind as to how adept humans are at becoming chameleons. We blend into our surroundings while knowing to step carefully around the toxicity. 

In a sense stepping away from it requires healing and a return to a version of yourself before you were programmed to accept what you were sold.

Transgender and orthodox

 

Patricia

Patricia was born in March of 1934 which is the same month and year as my father. We saw each other early this morning by happenstance at the Atwater market and then shared conversation over coffee. She is always a breath of fresh air. 

A retired pediatrician who was also married to a physician, she is fascinated by everything with her mind sharp and inquisitive. We talk politics or anything else which comes to mind. 

People like her draw me in, her expression a reflection of the goodness, humility and intelligence which lies underneath. 

My retirement is made better by the interactions with the kind of human beings who validate our faith in the qualities we aspire to. We draw lessons from them and hopefully have our own positive impact on them.

What transition means for me

The way I define transition has to do with escaping the constraints that hold us back from authenticity. It's not about physical or hormonal changes (which can be involved if need be) but mostly about the mental changes which bring us closer to who we are and disregard the herd mentality we were told to adhere to plus ignoring the opinion of others.

That process can sometimes be scary but failure to complete it can leave us empty and regretful especially as we age. It's like failing to achieve a state of maturity which brings us into wholeness. 

Transition is about becoming the person you were meant to be and only you can ultimately define.

Quiet desperation

Both my children are overthinkers. Perhaps it's genetic but I tell them that in the long run it will pay off. It will help them to make sense of their place in an often non-sensical world. 

The next few decades will be messy and, as we have seen, human stupidity will take front row center as the population experiences the chaos of a world re-imagined. 

I saw a story recently on AI psychosis where people were going down a rabbit hole after using chatGPT as a form of problem counselor. They ended up in crisis mode and sought help to get out of the ensuing trauma. This is how hungry people are for solutions to their anxiety and depression. 

We are looking for replacements for the stability we once had. That world didn't work for everyone especially the disenfranchised,  but at least the people most susceptible to panic were kept feeling safe. They didn't need to work on their psychology as much when their economics were stable and they were told what to do and how to behave. 

I know many simple-minded people and they aren't unkind or evil but they depend on solid footing which, once removed, can send them into quiet desperation when there is too much grey afoot.

Inevitable

The inevitable is happening and the wheels are coming off the second Trump clown car administration. With the latest dismal job numbers we see that the tariff policy has been a complete disaster and scared companies from hiring since, day to day, they don't know how to manage the uncertainty. 

There are consequences for electing massive incompetence not once but twice. 

Add to that ICE raids on innocent hard working people, the Epstein debauchery, breaking the emoluments clause repeatedly, alligator Alcatraz, etc., a limit is being reached where the amount of criminality and ineptitude can no longer be allowed to exist at this magnitude. 

There is deep rot in the American political system that allowed this to happen starting with the amount of corruption involving large donors. This has left the needs of every day Americans to go unaddressed while the top earners reap the benefits. 

But even then, the glaring lack of education and critical thinking of a sizable chunk of the population must be acknowledged as playing a major role in the re-election of a cartoon character villain and that won't be easily fixed after the detestable Trump is finally gone.

Intellectual dishonesty

There is almost nothing worse than intellectual dishonesty. 

Over at Crossdreamers Jack Molay has been dealing with trolling over his most recent article which I told him I thought I would address here. 

The anonymous poster takes the stance that transgender women are like any other men by virtue of some thinking I cannot comprehend since 98% of natal males aren't born with persistent gender dysphoria. Right off the bat we are dealing with intellectual dishonesty since no one asks to have it not to mention that not everyone deals with it via gender transition. 

No one who is happy being a man transitions for shits and giggles. Therefore the presumption of this poster must be that being transgender is a concious decision instead of the reality of an intrinsic disconnect.

That these transphobes are doggedly persistent is an understatement and their tone and tenacity speaks about underlying personal issues which the majority of people do not have. 

Why someone experiences gender dysphoria and where it is sourced is still mostly a mystery and by not acknowledging this fact you are not being honest since it is by far the most important piece of the puzzle.

Appreciation

Once we understand how the world works and our slotted place within it we can become frustrated by why we didn't see through it all sooner. My 25 year old son bemoans the fact that he feels he doesn't have enough appreciation for what he has but I tell him this is normal since he hasn't lived long enough to realize the ups and downs and gain the maturity which brings us gratitude. 

Once fully awake if we get mired in regret we can spoil the future for ourselves which is why it's best to let go and appreciate the life lessons learned thus far. 

It takes living to finally let things sink in.

Alignment

Our aim is to be in better alignment with ourselves and with others and whatever improves that is the right thing. 

Only we know what that is and the result should be a more harmonious and honest existence.

"Sometimes I prefer atheists"

Couldn't agree more...

You better you bet

 

Another error

Another error transphobes make is to ascribe choice to transgender people who more than happily would have chosen not to be born that way. After all, why suffer when you don't need to? 

The problem is that the world of gender variance includes choice and no-choice which today are blurred. 

I can speak for myself in saying that I wouldn't have minded being spared the suffering while knowing that without it I wouldn't be nearly as strong mentally.

Pared down

What brings us satisfaction as we age becomes pared down. At least I know this happened to me. We've done many things by now and some have lost their luster. It's one of the reasons traveling appeals to me less than when I was younger. I am in no rush to do it unless the timing is right. 

We don't become boring but instead more acutely aware of what brings us value. To borrow an analogy, we don't chase empty calories but instead desire sustenance which nourishes us. 

We may even have already chased the wrong goals and came to dead ends.

In a sense my life is stripped down to essentials where you take care of the self more than I ever dared to before. 

I have more time than ever to paint the toenails and more.

More than a feeling

Arthur Brooks says happiness is not a feeling and he is right. It is instead the creation of conditions that promote health, peace and stability. The feelings go up and down but the harmony is there surrounding us because of those conditions. 

The longest study on happiness ever conducted found that health and human connections were the only things that contributed to happiness. The income, once beyond the basic necessities plus a little extra for leisure, had no significant impact towards increasing it. 

We all live inside our heads and because of it are our own worst enemies but eventually with life experience we learn what is truly important and what should be jettisoned as flotsam. We also hopefully learn to think for ourselves. 

As I have aged my perspective has improved and am aware of when my occasional negative moods are derailing me. Those aren't a measure of unhappiness but a reflection of the ease by which our own psyches are prone to hitting little speed bumps.

There is probably no more dangerous affliction in humanity than being self aware. It can be beneficial but at the same time invariably make us suffer its darker side.

Moral panic

Transphobes are stuck on the "usurping womanhood" argument because it is by far their best line of attack. By using the scare tactic of usurping and replacing biological females they more firmly emphasize their moral panic and sell it to the public. 

The problem for them is that the majority of transgender people are well versed in biology and all the argumentation around it. They don't for a moment argue against it much to the chagrin of criticals.

If transphobes drop the usurping argument they are left with simply allowing transgender people to exist in peace which is a non-starter. Therefore, they can't ditch the line of attack of replacement theory sparked by social contagion. 

I can only come to two possible conclusions here: a deep level of stupidity or willful malice.

Pick one.

Unification

After a while I could no longer stomach living as two halves of a whole. The male social facade and the dysphoria management outlet were not sufficiently enmeshed and it became increasingly like Chinese water torture to allow it to continue. 

Uniting the masculine and feminine animas (to borrow terminology from Jung) was the therapy I needed; that and coming out fully which has been one of the great decisions of my life. 

Beginning with the pandemic, I was shown that the old formula wasn't working but was instead a patch up job meant to satisfy everyone but myself. 

However that unification isn't a simple one because you now need to determine who this fully integrated person is. How daily life is lived and expressed suddenly becomes a new psychological exercise which gets you to a new baseline. This last bit of unification is what I have been calling my cleanup and that being at the end of the process is simply called who you truly are. 

No other terms are required.

Hard life

 

Guarded

I stopped trusting people when I was quite young. I began to see cruelty early and took note of it. People were quick to insult and as a shy kid I didn't take to it well. 

Over many years I learned to toughen up and used intellect to be dismissive of the type of people I identified as potential boors and bullies. It worked but it was a defense strategy which required much energy and never letting your guard down. I couldn't be vulnerable and allow myself to be discovered as someone with a secret I held since early childhood. 

After a while this becomes exhausting. I had first born syndrome which meant I had to perform and be a role model that my parents could find favor in. Thus my gender dysphoria could never be divulged lest they reject me. 

I had repressed anger issues for years and dealt with them by being a creative musician and artist being plus putting energy into career and children who have both turned out to be admirable human beings. 

Now it is time to let the shield down and allow things to be so much easier. I still know better than to trust prople fully but I am learning how to do it with the right ones while I protect my authenticity.

Individual gain

 

Millions just like her

Trumpism is a movement which helps the stupid and evil feel better about themselves. You have a mean idiot as your leader who personifies your worst instincts and validates them. No wonder he is popular with them. 

An older white woman recently walks her dog in a quiet US suburb when a homeowner politely asked if the animal had done their business on her lawn. The woman was so insulted that she threatened to call ICE on a family that turned out to be native American and whose ancestry went much further back than the flustered dog owner. 

She had seen the skin color and thought what a great idea for revenge when Trump is conveniently her president.

A young neighbor walking by had witnessed all and used choice language to chastise the woman who eventually gave up but not before having called ICE and perhaps gotten entangled with an automated message. 

There are millions just like her with not enough therapists to go around.

Leaving the past

Everyone has things to deal with from their past. We learned much from our parents but their attachment style and issues they themselves carried risked being transferred to us via osmosis. Freeing ourselves from our lived history becomes an part of the full awakening of who we are as individuals. 

I have analyzed my past and understand the parenting I received. In so doing I let go of any frustrations regarding mistakes they may have made. My parents loved me but were human and flawed like everyone else. 

Once we let go of history we relax into the present. We judge others less because we learn to be kinder with ourselves. We drop the need for performance and perfection and slowly but surely become the best version of who we are.