The genuine article

A trans identity is automatically outside of the understood binary which is why arguing about chromosomes and birthing is a blind alley which cannot be won. We used to talk about binary transsexuals but in reality these are people who just wanted to disappear into the background and be left alone to lead their lives which changed nothing about their biology. It is why transmedicalism may not be a wise and exclusive defense strategy for trans people since conservatives are so deliberatrly obtuse. They want you down their rabbit hole to trap you there.

When we say "transwomen are women" we are speaking in ontological terms because what a woman is isn't just defined by biology. It is a role, a way of being and feeling which cannot be reduced to plumbing (although it may very well be rooted in brain chemistry at birth). Otherwise we might say that women who cannot birth are not the genuine article either.

Don't get trapped arguing with the Matt Walsh types on their terms.

Little fist bumps

"May I disrupt you Madame?"

I told the man I didn't have any cash before looking up from my phone and realizing he just wanted to sit at the same table to which I said "of course". The public market was fairly busy at that hour.

He was using a cane which he placed on the floor next to him. His teeth were in bad shape and he looked gaunt and pale as he began to converse with me. He told me he lived only on a government assistance check of $900 a month which covered everything including lodging and food. That allowed him to have his one daily coffee as an extravagance. 

He used to work as an auto mechanic but now retired he could only count on old age security and nothing else. There had been no other pension.

He was kind and generous with his information and offered me little fist bumps of approval when I said something that pleased him. It reminded me of how little I have to complain about as I see more and more people today fall off the grid and be left to their own devices.

As I finally left him, he wished me long life and happiness to which I offered the same knowing that many of his days may not always be all that rosy when you don't make enough to sustain you.

Love life

 "How is your love life?" asked Beatrice, one of the many lovely friends and work colleagues I have kept through this process.

I made a goose egg with my fingers smirking just a little at the same time to which she offered a little frown.

I then explained that at this stage of my life my internal sense of self is more important than companionship and that I belong to a generation where both males and females were often corrupted beyond repair. We had grown up understanding that gender was sacrosanct and could not be ignored. Trans people were a foreign entity whose raison d'etre no one comprehended; not even ourselves.

For androphilics the formula was perhaps a little easier and some transitioned in stealth and maybe found love. For gynephilics it was tougher and many of us put off transitions altogether or waited until children left home.

Young trans people today are not nearly as self defeating and better know their value. They might wait for the right train to come by and don't think that their partner simply not wretching at the sight of them, somehow makes them fortunate.

Yes, that was once me.

Disarmed

If you grew up like me, you were afraid to perturb. You towed the line and respected society and your elders even to your own detriment. In other words, I was the perfect candidate for following the script and do as I was told. Being the eldest in a deeply devout Catholic family tends to do that to you.

The problem comes when you understand early on that you don't naturally fit and you must work harder to fight instincts you aren't supposed to have because you quickly come to understand they aren't normal. There is also little to no information at your disposal and what little exists is sparse and even contradictory. Many of us grew up like that in the 60's and 70's which were my formational decades.

Nothing can be done about that now other than to look back to it as history which made me strong internally. At a certain point my health was beginning to suffer and the cracks showing by my mid 40's when I realized I needed guidance beyond my usual self reliance. My ability to manage my gender dysphoria was faltering.

My story is in stark contrast to young trans kids who are diagnosed much earlier today. They see the stories of their peers and recognize themselves within them. They don't need to surrepticiously look up the word "transvestite" or "transsexual" in an arcane encyclopedia in their early teens afraid to be seen and scared to death they might be either.

My formation was a double edged sword in that it built strength and resolve in me but then also built up psychological scars which would need tending to later. It wasn't avoidable of course, because I did the best I could with the information I had and can now say I have used my history to build a new foundation for myself.

Do I still harbour some resentment at a world which had me go through all this? Yes except that at this point I am almost completely devoid of venom.

Daily weirdo check

 

Thinking for ourselves

Gender critical feminist lesbians are worried about being erased (yes that's you Kathleen Stock). They see some in their ranks opt to become trans men and perhaps feel that they side with the misogyny they experienced growing up. So as response they align themselves with the anti-trans bandwagon and become uneasy bedfellows with right wing lunatics who normally think women belong in the kitchen.

It is a strange world but that does not surprise because if you are incensed enough about a topic, the enemy of your enemy becomes your friend even if normally you would despise each other. Much of the world operates on fear and lack of understanding of the experience of the other and once you have gone down a rabbit hole it can be very difficult to exit most especially if you are afraid of losing face by later needing to eat some proverbial crow.

I see misinformation everywhere but in this age of absolute certainty we have lost all nuance and reflection. We become entrenched in dogma and fail to question whether we might be wrong about something. Even the so called "trans community" (a term I tend to disfavor because we certainly do not all think the same) has blind spots in its orthodoxy which are in need of examining. But groupthink is sometimes more tempting when there is safety in numbers. So we circle the wagons.

Thinking for ourselves is not always easy as we can often encounter resistance from within our own ranks but if we are to be honest with ourselves it is always the best way to go.

Hemispheres

A fascinating talk by neuroscientist Dr Iain McGilchrist...

Bastardization

Religion has always been useful especially for those who needed orthodoxy to provide them with certainty. If you were uncomfortable with nebulous reality, it provided comfort plus a way for the ruling class to keep people controlled. Small wonder that the clergy was well entrenched with the monarchies of Europe for centuries

Religion can of course be perverted into whatever forms you like and it has always been infected with human biases because it cannot be helped. But if you were too afraid to look behind the curtain, many people were led astray by those with less than honorable intent. Priests molested children, papal indulgences handed out for money and nonsensical rules were followed which had little to do with love of neighbor and more with passing judgement.

Today the perversion of the New Testament messaging by White Christian Nationalism is threatening US politics like never before. The GOP courting of Evangelicals has thwarted the underpinnings of the country and reminds one of the rise of Nazism under much the same guise and we know how well that went. This "Jesus and guns" dogma which also preaches monetary prosperity is the kind of corruption that is the antithesis of the message of Christ.

Trumpism captured this demographic in spades and emboldened it and, unfortunately, "Turn the other cheek" isn't part of its credo.

Balance point

When judiciously administered, gender variant behaviour can make people quite content which is reflected in a number of blogs I sometimes read. However trans people with strong dysphoria can be more angst filled because of the difficulties inherent in considering what to do with a complicated situation; one which can often involve weighing the merits or pitfalls of transition.

No formula is perfect of course, because even those who are perfectly fine in their birth sex identification but are seeking outlets for expression, can have trouble getting the right amount given they may be with a non-accepting spouse.

When someone is in the process of determining whether they are trans versus gender variant, the learning curve can sometimes be quite steep. It can become a process of trial and error where openings for exploration can be few and much introspection is required. For this reason it can sometimes take decades as it did for me.

Finding that balance point is not remotely obvious especially when often our worst enemy is ourselves. Thus, if you are trans, eliminating any lingering internalized transphobia becomes paramount which unfortunately, especially if you are older, is a feat easier said than done.

Contrast

The choking death of subway performer Jordan Neely at the hands of former marine Daniel Penny has steeled the American right's resolve to see the act as justifiable. Fear of the other, whether it be the poor or visible minorities, has been magnified by the right in recent years because convenient scapegoats are needed in times of crisis. This is a historically provable pattern.

The increasing radicalization of the right wing is having grave consequences on American democracy as battle lines are drawn for control of voting districts through gerrymandering. The idea being to defeat your opponent by crushing their ideology.

This death has provided us a portrait of how stark in contrast the political ideologies can be. One side sees a dangerous criminal while the other a hungry victim of globalization who was at the wrong place at the wrong time.

The illness model

The trans condition as illness can appeal  to some people who greatly suffer under the difficulties stemming from being born that way. The more you rejected yourself, the more apt you might be to fall for pseudoscience. I know I almost did early on.

Here I am not speaking of gender dysphoria and the disconnect between birth sex and gender identity which, if not adequately treated, can be very painful. I am more talking about crank theories which seek to pathologize behaviour as if it were rooted in mental illness.

Even some people who call themselves "crossdressers" would suffer enormously and early blogs I read were often about finding ways to cure their affliction. They had created a feed and starve cycle which included purging (which many transsexuals also experience) and suffered more than they need have. The solution of well timed cross gender expression would have eliminated the angst and normalized everything into stability. With very little justification, societal disapproval had turned their lives into convoluted messes.

Even today some transsexuals still espouse the Blanchard pseudoscience which has been handily debunked proving how much internalized guilt can be very tenacious. Once we have established a psychological block, it is very hard to eliminate it.

I am still sorting out many loose threads from years of fighting my own nature which shows just how much work is sometimes involved in cleaning house.