Self-indulgence

Protecting the self is pivotal especially knowing the world can sometimes be cruel and as we age we hopefully become more cognizant of how to achieve a balance to avoid becoming abrasive. Older people tend to lose their filter and indeed this has occurred with me.

I talk to strangers more readily, am more self-assured yet also more primed to react to the worst instincts of some people. Whereas I would swallow my tongue in youth, now there is more instinct to express opinion freely but without intent to injure.

When you are an introvert you tend to observe before you leap and indeed this has been my reliable method bolstered by a natural youthful shyness now largely burned off. We want to avoid appearing cocky but possess just enough confidence which does away with false pretense and embraces humility and empathy for others.

The more we are at peace, the less we have need of overt self-indulgence.

My turn

I know that I would have little trouble finding a partner in what is almost 2024 if I began to look. The issue is that I do not want to for fear of spoiling a very good thing. I am happy and want that to last and having to deal with someone else's baggage at this age is a risk which doesn't appeal to me. I know how life works only too well and at this point, it would literally take a gift to fall into my lap.

It's interesting how I used to fear coming out for the consequence of rejection and now I am in the position of doing the rejecting.

We are a constant work in progress and thank God for it.

Narratives

When I was first exploring who I was, reading other people's narratives during the advent of the internet and beyond was a way to find commonality. One storyline involved finding bra or panties in a hamper, trying them on and being aroused thus beginning a lifelong pattern. Another was the child before going to sleep wishing to magically become a girl upon waking up the next morning. These two narratives could be considered archetypes for people we then either called transvestites or transsexuals as they tended to repeat.

Then there were others that were less obvious and more unique where the road was less clear both for the person themselves and certainly the reader looking for shared experience.

We have all performed this search in finding our own personal origin which was made more complex by the unique set of circumstances of each individual. The type of home environment, the cultural norms and religious beliefs all playing into a cocktail that is very difficult to dissect with perfect precision.

The idea of both predisposition and biological origin fascinated me because together they feed into the concept of a nature and nurture mix which could be argued is a likely culprit. Here I deliberately leave out adults who begin out of curiosity (call them hobbyists if you will) because they fall out of my interest group which is between birth and the advent of puberty where most gender variance is formed.

The idea that you could reproduce any one situation in a laboratory is ludicrous simply because too many variables are at play and the precise recipe has far too many ingredients to make their exact proportions known. In that sense we may be hard pressed to find a sole smoking gun.

My conclusion has been to simply think that if a formula is possible, it is bound to happen. One of the many possible permutations towards creating a human being.

The biggest one yet

Years ago few could have imagined that a sociopathic personality could do so much harm to the office of the presidency and yet here we are. There is presently an unraveling happening, a coarseness which was previously thought part of ancient history being fed by a kind of charlatanism upheld by social media chaos; the great equalizer for the malevolent and the ignorant.

The parallels with the early 20th century are clear and the lessons of history worth recalling because failure to learn from them virtually guarantees their repetition. The drastic change alone from 1930 to 1940 should be enough of a reminder about how quickly things can turn sour.

Trump didn't invent ignorance, stupidity, arrogance or deception but he is the type of figure who personifies them and somehow capitalizes on the temperature and mood of a society to catapult themselves into leadership. These despots expose the rot that lives within every culture that you don't dare encourage and even while others have done the same and met their downfall, we risk ignoring how much damage can be done before they eventually get there.

Americans keep saying their next election is the biggest one yet but I think it's fair to say it's no longer an exaggeration. That many people have no idea what they are doing at the ballot box should not exactly surprise you if you've lived long enough and maybe justifiably worry you.

Both a long way

I don't take pictures of myself except when I get excited about a thrift store purchase to check the fit. Patricia found this sweater dress which she said was screaming out to me. Sure enough she was right and when I put it on at home it was perfect. I was so sure it would work in fact that I don't bother trying it on in the store which was bustling this past Saturday. Just picking it up and inspecting it with outstretched arms clinched the deal which is what happens when you know what fits your body.

Paired with black leggings and winter booties it was exactly what I was still missing in my wardrobe and am wearing it today when meeting my sister who is visiting from Vancouver; the one who 16 years ago was threatening to perform an exorcism on me when I came out to her. At that time I felt sure I had at most a childhood-developped penchant for dressing I could keep in check and still lead a "normal" life; an idea which my continued introspection would eventually prove to be completely false.

Needless to say we have both come a long, long way.

Turbulence

Without a doubt this is the most turbulent geopolitical climate of my lifetime. There is great post-pandemic uncertainty plus a definite push towards authoritarian rule and not just in America. Argentina and the Netherlands are the latest to flirt with populist rhetoric promising to fix the ills of their respective societies.

That we are now paying for the sins of Neoliberalism is without a doubt part of the malaise. First world nations allowed capitalists to farm out their industries to lower nations so they could pay meager wages which did nothing but worsen the lives of their own citizenry who are going to storm the Bastille. January 6th in the US was just a preview of more to come.

Not all people understand the mechanisms at play which got us here but they can feel the pinch when they try to buy food or look for housing they can't afford and settle for living in their cars.

Who would have thought that short sightedness and greed have a way of coming back to bite you.

Find

 

Trans athelete moral panic

Steve Shives has a gift for not only moral outrage but also rational thinking....

My parents

Growing up my father was my foil and I jousted with him. He was an intellectual who was well read on a whole host of subjects and I would test my mettle against his ideas. Having lost his own father young no doubt affected his ability to connect emotionally since he was forced to grow up so fast.

Hence my mother became my emotional support even as her tendency to sometimes go into histrionics frustrated me. Today at 87 she has become even more childlike in both good and bad ways.

I have tended to analyze what made my parents into the people they were. Their birth during a time of austerity and hardship was certainly an integral part of their education which helped give me discipline but also hampered my ability to readily connect with an inner self looking for redemption regarding who I was; for God was watching in judgement.

Religion does not always serve people well of course especially the kind well doused with unyielding and insufferable orthodoxy which leaves little room for man-made dictates of non-conformance.

Cafe Olympico

It's hardly a secret that I am a hopeless coffeeholic and this latest discovery is in Montreal's old quarter snugly housed in an 18th century Nouvelle France solid stone structure. There are worse ways to spend part of a Sunday morning.

Yesterday Patricia visited from Ottawa and we went thrifting and later today I meet Louise and Marie Denise for lunch.

Outside the Box

Hate operates the same way irrespective of era. There is outrage and moral panic expressed to elevate the masses into frenzy until the movement runs out of steam and order is restored. It was this way about every major cultural issue one can think of because humans operate on an axis of love and fear and, unfortunately, human stupidity plays very well into this tried and true formula.

The latest moral panics will lose energy as well when people realize that the giving equal rights to others does not infringe on their own and the hater is suddenly left without a podium and a megaphone.

It is why I see conservatism at its core is a flawed inclination since natural fear of change is largely steeped in the irrational. If the advancement of all types of minorities only upholds justice for all then why adopt reticence as a first reflex before doing your homework. It should be plainly clear that fiscal conservatism is not the animal I am talking about here.

Many people hold simplistic black and white views and are unable or simply detest thinking outside the box which is unfortunate, because much of our existence requires we do so.

Perhaps sometimes being sheep is just much easier.