Calling occupants

Klatuu's delicious bit of 70's prog-pop. Early King Crimson meets The Beatles meets ELO; mellotron and all..

Thanksgiving

Combating cynicism when we are older can be a challenge. By now we have seen much and understand what motivates some humans to destroy and derail. How to live with internal peace in a world where some celebrate or ignore the nefarious can be difficult to reconcile. 

Trumpism has shone a light on the ugly and as I read comments on American Thanksgiving dinners skipped or those attended falling prey to arguments, one realizes how it has touched a nerve on the social consciousness. The core value system of many has been challenged by people they thought cared about them and their principles. 

One thing is to have a difference of opinion on selected governing policies but it is quite another to ignore flagrant criminality and basic human decency.

Encapsulated

Sometimes your friends have a way of being succinct and encapsulate things better than you can. They can cut through the subtleties of the subject matter because they aren't as well versed in it.

So when I asked Beatrice, who has known me for about 15 years, what she thought about my change she texted: 

"You are now just unapologetically YOU!" 

It was perfect.

A comfortable place

The young person in front of me in line at the Dollarama this morning made no attempt to disguise birth sex. Possibly 30, they had long hair tied in a pony tail. They wore mascara, had painted nails and slung a woman's purse over their shoulder. 

I see this type of variance often. It is not masquerading but rather finding a comfortable full time place on the spectrum.

No hiding or secret life required.

The young woman at the cash, who I know and is maybe my daughter's age, didn't flinch for there was no reason to.

Malaise

Post-election malaise is everywhere. The world is in a bad place and for the time being we are in the doldrums in this golden age of stupidity. 

Right-wing bravado has been emboldened and comment sections of political videos filled with such imbecilic statements as to have one reeling. I am used to the ignorance by now but it doesn't make it easier to digest. 

Sylvie was sharing her despondency with me this morning. Despite the fact that both our lives as retirees are relatively stable, we feel the unease as we settle in for 4 years of chaos and corruption that will test whether institutions withstand an onslaught by dogmatic lunatics 

This is not the end of the American experiment but perhaps the last gasps of empire before its weight as global power cedes way to its need to lick its self-inflicted wounds; the wounds first opened up during the start of a globalization effort which left so many behind.

Academic

The topics of gender and sexuality are complex ones. Research into the subjects beginning in the early 20th century included figures like Hirschfeld, Kinsey and Benjamin. It was esoteric, layered and academic and, because much was still in the dark due to society's rigid structure, what were considered anomalies were at most curiosities that didn't threaten as much as fascinate. They lived largely behind closed doors. 

All that research showed that we are dealing with varied human behaviour which appears to work on a type of spectrum. We also confirmed that many people are naturally eclectic and prone to odd behaviour including fetishes which were eventually documented in the DSM.

By the 1980's disease models of gender variance were being introduced with the changing of society. The sexual revolution had already taken place and gender was next so there needed to be a way to keep challenges at bay. The tiny sliver of people who had been transitioning in public intially with some empathy and notoriety began to be seen increasingly as freaks for the entertainment value of daytime talk shows.

Right around this time Ray Blanchard introduced his clumsy two-type male to female transsexual taxonomy which ignored natal women with gender dysphoria entirely; a model which, despite glaring flaws, is still being peddled today in darker circles as pathology.

Those of us born post-war with dysphoria didn't have much possibilities for assistance other than the recognized hospital gender identity programs which helped some to transition or at least get therapy. But still, things were relatively underground until well past 2010 when transgender people began to more seriously challenge the strict social order with what at first appeared to be some success. 

The current backlash is tied in with resentment over too many variables changing. The nature of relationships and marriage, work, global economics, immigration patterns, etc are creating ripples in the previous world order that make obvious targets the easiest pickings. The white man isn't amused and wants to reel things back in. 

My outlook has always been sober because that is the way I was raised. I would observe how society functioned around me and tried to fit into it without falling prey to its excesses and lose my way. That outlook included my views on gender variance as a whole. 

Particularly over the last 10 years, the elasticity of human behaviour has been pushed beyond a comfort limit for many and the next few decades will see where we land once the dust settles on all this turbulence. We will see what potentially a new Renaissance brings.

First Day

 

Compromise

Over the years I have written extensively on the topic of compromise for gender variant people: an issue which applies much more to older gynephilics than any other demographic.

I keep refining my thinking on this as my own life situation has progressed which saw two major relationships fail. My being transgender wasn't the main breakup cause and yet, in both cases, it was certainly an inconvenient truth. 

Since gender variance runs a wide gamut between freely chosen expression and issues of core identity, it is very difficult to advise what one should do. The only thing I know for certain is that identity is not a commodity readily negotiated away and if you fit more the description of hobbyist (not my description but one I see often used) then you will have less trouble finding compromise. 

The presence of gender dysphoria will be where the rubber hits the road here and the more virulent the strain, the more difficult things will be. Still, I was able to find a compromise solution for myself which included navigating raising two children who, now in their twenties, are among my big supporters. 

Today, compromise is no longer necessary but I did more than my fair share and then some.

What is certain is that too much negotiating away core identity does not yield to a good result in that neither partner will be happy. A relationship is only as healthy as the person who is the least happy and faking your way through life isn't a recipe I would recommend from where I currently sit today. 

Looking back I know I did the best I could for someone born in 1962. With almost no resources to speak of (other than my ravenous appetite to research the topic), episodes of dysphoria management got me through but over the years I ultimately learned that it was no way to live. 

I stay away from labels these days because I see they mean different things to different people. Suffice it to say that if something feels off in the way you are living it will bubble to the surface with increasing frequency as you age particularly if gender dysphoria is involved. 

Young people today come out much younger and don't need to enter relationships in denial which is already a massive advantage over what we had.

Compromise as you deem fit.

They are everywhere

Ah yes, the cult strikes again to defend their idiot leader...

Bro

Joe Rogan is the everyman dolt who appeals to a lot of people these days. Often seen with a quizzical and dumbfounded look on his face, he is constantly fact-checked and one of his assertions is yet again proven wrong. Still, the formula works because people want folksy and hate being looked down on and so they opt to listen to a bro who knows as much as they do.

People who have been marginalized by the upper classes for decades get their revenge with people like Rogan. They imagine having a beer with him complaining about how they do not understand the world and their place in it. 

For his part, Rogan shows poor judgment and tends to favor right-leaning guests who often tell you not to trust expertise. Subject matter experts have never had less value in an era where the opinion of your uncle in his tin foil hat has the same weight and relevance. 

Yes, it's almost 2025 but the earth can still be flat if you want and you have never been able say it with such solid conviction plus get a chorus of support.

Who people think they see

The person who people think they see is irrelevant compared to the person we know we are internally. Identity isn't provided to us via a change of clothing,  voice or hair. It comes from deep within and is anchored there. 

Therefore a prerequisite for authenticity is to completely disregard opinion because the very act of caring what others think contributes to derailing it. 

Expression is only a part of authenticity; it is like the tip of a giant iceberg. Therefore if you are genuine you don't need to worry how you are being perceived because self-assurance and validation comes from deep within the well of our psyche.

You just need to worry about who you feel you are and if we feel like a fraud maybe it's because far too much of our power is given away to others.

For what reason? I can no longer tell you.

A comment for our time

As seen recently in a comments section...

"I'm a trans woman who passes fairly well partly because I like to dress hyper femininely. I've never had to deal with harassment in the washrooms because people assume I'm cis from the way I present. My friend who is a cis woman presents more masculine and they are instead the target of all the harassment that is ironically supposed to be targeted towards me. 

It'd be funny if I didn't find it concerning that this hateful rhetoric is becoming main stream"

What a strange timeline.

Critical thinking and intellect

This reality will never change so it must just be accounted for when dealing with any population. The rejection of intellectualism of this era does nothing but exacerbate the problem...

Statistics

 

Einstein

Trump wants to retaliate against Mexico and Canada by introducing 25% tariffs. Would someone finally explain to this hopeless imbecile that it will be the American consumer who pays them and not the source country? 

It's fine if you want more of a homegrown industry but then that takes time and will require hiring the types of workers which ironically Trump wants to deport. 

A real Einstein.

It's gonna be a long 4 years where nobody wins except the ultra wealthy.

The sound an egg makes

The issue I have with temporary and sporadic cross gender expression is that one can become a caricature if one isn't careful. This depends on your motivation of course, but for me I couldn't get past a mental barrier until I stopped splitting myself into two halves which wasn't by choice, mind you. Nevertheless it always felt wrong somehow. For I am one person and not two and hiding was making me feel increasingly disgusted. It encouraged psychology that I was flawed plus transgender identities aren't freely-chosen hobbies.

Of course your experience and mileage may vary. 

Some of us find out slowly that we aren't made for that type of living and, especially for those who are older, discovered it accidentally through us coming at all this via resistance. We hoped to stay just normal enough to live like everyone else until we realized that this wasn't at all a worthwhile pursuit. Is that the sound of the egg cracking? Yes, I believe it is. 

We then look for and find our balance through authenticity and taking our dysphoria seriously.

Not just a drink

My friend Marc is a bit of a coffee connoisseur who grinds his own beans and fusses about how long to pull from his moderately expensive machine to extract the perfect espresso. He just turned 65 and stopped working at age 60 from the same engineering profession. We have known each other since 1990 and overlapped at both the beginning and end of our respective careers at the same firms. 

He knows about me of course and yesterday he was quizzing me over a phone call about all matters coffee related.

For me, I tell him, it isn't just about drinking it which I could do at home. It is about the social experience of going to the right place. The ambiance, the repartee with the barista or the patrons forms part of a larger experience. Yes, it is my drug but it forms part of what constitutes who I am.

Two cups a day will do but they need to be good ones which is why I tend to frequent Montréal's better establishments.

I have a substantial number of acquaintances which I have made over the years (most of whom are not aware of my gender history) thanks to this habit. They have helped flesh out my identity and authenticity to mature it and bring me out of hiding and into the light. So no, even if a great cup matters, it's not just about a drink.

Far from it.

I dare not complain

I could hear her groaning outside my bathroom stall. She told a young woman she was sorry about the noise and the answer which came back was about whether she needed help.

Later as I washed my hands I saw the woman, maybe 10 years my senior, hunched over the metal sink in pain and barely able to wash her own. I asked what was wrong. 

"My back hurts. I had surgery and they put metal rods in it" 

I told her I was very sorry and had no current comparison to offer. My lower back has been experiencing some minor issues of late but I dare not mention it. 

I have nothing to complain about.

Cruelty is the point

Trumpism is about hatred and grievance which doesn't work so well when you need to govern. After all, when you are in the driver's seat you can only complain about yourself. 

And here lies the problem. 

The people chosen are all hateful and likely filled with unresolved childhood trauma they must now take out on society. Apparently it is also a prerequisite that you be accused of sexual misconduct or be a Russian asset to qualify for a cabinet post. 

Governing will be messy for the next four years and full of forehead slapping moments for many of us. But it is unavoidable because some people only learn through scalding themselves repeatedly. 

In the meantime, the American experiment will need to be remade or face further decline of empire. Those increasingly falling behind will need to be looked after despite many thinking that an incompetent fool and his minions was the answer.

The finger pointing among the coming leadership as well as massive incompetence will be unavoidable since the frustrated tend to eat their own young when all else fails.

Typology

First consider two different gender variant mindsets. 

One blends feminine expression seamlessly and permanently into daily life. It may include the incorporation of jewelry, makeup, androgynous clothing, etc. The other creates a temporary personna that contains all of the need for expression and is then left behind once the appetite or interest is satiated. This latter archetype can include both gay and straight males with the precise motivation and frequency varying between each person.

What is common to both is that they feel comfortable identifying as male and don't have a disconnect with birth sex (or it is at least mild enough to not perturb their daily existence). 

However, both contrast against gender dysphoric people who do have a birth sex disconnect. Some of them may have been forced into the same split character lifestyle primarily due to life circumstance and choices made. However they still need to find a formula (which may not work entirely to their satisfaction) to battle dysphoria which we know varies in intensity from person to person. In all cases the attachment to maleness here varies from much less resolute to entirely zero.

Since the need for practice of gender variance in secret is starting to slowly disappear over time, I am curious about how the proportions of typologies will change over time and whether some survive at all.

Of course, it goes without saying that typologies can and will bleed into each other with the aim to always be of free of distress and as peaceful as possible.

Welcome to Canada

Fooled ya!....

The perfect phrase

I watched a podcast interview with someone named Louise who had transitioned back in the 1970's during which she said something which stayed with me. 

"As a child I wasn't effeminate, I was feminine" 

This was so perfect that I will never forget it because many of us may have downplayed our dysphoria thinking we would never be sufficiently able to fulfill a part in society. I then thought about how many women I know who are not caricatures of exaggerated femininity (which includes my own mother) and possess some masculine qualities to bolster their feminine ones. 

Effeminate suggests an over the top version of feminine which stands out rather than form part of a bigger portrait that makes up an individual. There are many strong women who are feminine in their own way without being barbie dolls although those do exist as well within the wide berth that contains female behavior. The point is to be authentic and not role play someone you are not.

Not to mention that I am too old to play act.

I have always preferred the balance between energies which is why part time living was becoming anathema and splitting myself into pieces held absolutely  no benefit other than to please others.

All this to say that her phrase was the perfect thing to say because it described me and my natural instincts so very well.

Oh, and Louise? She was perfectly lovely.

Passing judgement

Many American Trumpers are surprised that their relationships with others have been impacted. 

They say things like "it's only politics, why can we not still have friendships?" 

The problem is that Trumpism isn't about standard politics and comes with issues of morality that are bedrock for many. Hateful and reprehensible policies cannot be assigned to just standard politics. It is not just about tax policy or education funding, it is about core values and morality and what kind of person you are. 

Many conservatives see this issue as transactional and can compartmentalize it while liberal minded people see this as their rights being violated. Many women are especially mortified that someone would vote against their own rights. 

Conservative religious people are about punishment and judgment for failing to stay within boundaties wheras more liberal religious people are about God is about love and we should not weigh in on the lives of others. This distinction is drastic.

These fundamental differences will make mending relationships extremely difficult and some situations will likely not be repairable.

It has even affected people here in Canada as some members of my own family would have voted Trump if we were US citizens. I had already distanced myself a bit for reasons relating to my identity as a transgender person, and this adds yet another wrinkle which does not help.

The hunt for red October

"You're not a woman!" says the transphobe vociferously to which I say okay and stop there. I personally do not argue for it. 

But then here is the rub. 

Many transgender people fit perfectly into the role. Surgeries notwithstanding, many blend seamlessly into society making the deliberate hunt for such a sliver of the population pure idiocy and malice for its own sake. 

The obsession of rabid transphobes now threatens biological women who don't pass femininity inspection and someone will need to pull down their panties to check. The reason for this escapes me other than having a brain that doesn't properly reflect or care about actual statistics.

Human idiocy isn't fixable and Nancy Mace is one of its poster children .

A matter of choice

If we must do something, fear will not stop us. After all, we have to do it and fear is an obstacle to necessity which must be defeated if we are to achieve our goal. 

This is how I view gender dysphoria within the context of gender variance. 

Yesterday I was speaking with Deanna and she was forced into action. After resisting for decades (as I did), ignoring gender dysphoria was no longer an option. 

I always focus on choice and quality of life improvement. Here once again a label becomes useless unless we deeply delve into the psyche and examine what we must do.

How much is want and how much is must.

Living memes

I saw the YouTube video in my feed with the "Piers Morgan Uncensored" episode featuring Canadian comic book arch-villain Jordan Peterson and wisely chose to avoid it. My nervous system would not be able to tolerate such an onslaught of whining featuring two curmudgeons both with fist in the air bemoaning the excesses of "wokeism". 

Peterson in particular has become a living meme and an easy target with his Kermit the frog voice, weeping on command and penchant for soliloquies which invariably end up as word salad. But he works well for right-wingers looking for their own pseudo-intellectual gurus which are hard to come by these days. 

Both men are intolerable and history will not be kind to them. In the coming decades they will be identified as the naysayers every era possesses; the very people who complained so vehemently regarding the audacity of giving women the right to vote or thinking that brown people had the potential for equal intellect.

Both are always mad.

Pumps in November

It's almost the end of November and on some mornings I can still leave the house wearing my low heel pumps; that is when the mood strikes and I plan to walk less that day. 

This never used to happen. Climate change is definitely a thing. 

I don't own a car, I walk everywhere and take public transit. I consume much less than I used to and, when I can, purchase things second-hand including clothing I already have enough of. I am trying to do my part not to mention that my appetite for consumerism has entirely disappeared; not that it was ever that healthy to begin with. 

The US incoming administration is full of geniuses who think climate change is a hoax as do most extreme right-wingers and nothing can be done about it. I have discovered that even in my own family there are odd belief systems liberally sprinkled with religious ideas plus exposure to online quackery. 

Being fashionable in November never came at such a high price.

Wish you were here

 

3 ladies

This morning three ladies were deep in conversation blocking access to the women's washroom and so I approached gingerly and smiled as I stopped in front of them hoping one would notice. I did not want to overly perturb. 

One of them did and said with an eye roll and a smile "oh on s'excuse!" 

I said not to worry about it at all and made my way in as they dispersed.

Jigsaw

Life is a jigsaw puzzle we slowly piece together year after year over our lifetimes. We work on it methodically until a visible picture begins to emerge which, when we first began, did not yet exist in our minds. We develop an understanding of human nature which hopefully includes ourselves and learn how to live in a world that does not always welcome who we are. 

This has been my mission all along: to comprehend. 

Unfortunately there isn't always logic involved because humans are primarily emotional creatures who adopt rationality as second resort. Once we understand this it becomes a little easier to navigate when we know there are battles not worth engaging in.

This knowledge has increased my disappointment in people overall but made it easier to spend my energy wisely. I want to focus on the connections that enrich my existence and allow me to enrich theirs.

The most expensive banana

Just when we thought much of the world wasn't ludicrous or stupid enough. 

perhaps also a sign that the "haves" maybe have a bit too much....

Buy Now

"Buy Now: the shopping conspiracy" will depress you but not surprise you. Rampant consumerism is ruining the planet. Corporations wanted people to keep buying and even built redundancy into products such that we were forced to buy new ones. 

Now things are catching up with us and the waste we have generated is going to slowly kill us. Plastics and toxic chemicals are being released into the environment at rates we cannot manage. As a result nations are forcing corporations to change their ways. 

Some  people are hanging on to their electronics and are even repairing them because companies are starting to facilitate this. We no longer have a choice.

We can also do some really novel and simply consume less. 

On Netflix 

"You're disgusting!"

 

Oopsie

So much for principles, morals and a backbone. So shocking!. 

Of course what he says here is correct...

Bad faith

If you argue in bad faith and you don't know what you are talking about, you have lost my respect. A person who is open minded and willing to have their mind changed is what I look for. They are also fine with being wrong when their viewpoint no longer holds up.

Bad faith actors already have foregone conclusions and work backwards to find supporting evidence which is the way the Blanchard people, to use an example, always have worked. Their iron clad concrete proof falls suspect under basic critical thinking. 

Once I deem you come at something with bad faith there is no point discussing with you.

Eccentricity or not

The last time I saw him was maybe 2 months ago on the metro and then suddenly there he was on a busy avenue. Maybe 30 years old; an ill-fitting wig, no attempt to shave or wear makeup, he donned a woman's exercise top and pants as well as house slippers and purse over the shoulder while he was busy in conversation with himself. Morning passerbys did not even notice or care as they have bigger things to worry about.

It's also 2024.

Today, gender variant people come in all flavors but one thing which to note here is the quiet confidence involved. Yes, there is eccentricity to spare but somehow people respect someone going about their business rather than looking afraid which some could see as invitation to ridicule. This young man could not care less who might be watching him.

People like this should make us a little less fearful to be who we are and make things much less of a production number in our heads. 

Eccentricity is optional.

Endurance

Half of America is despondent about the election results. It's like the air was let out of their balloon after the expected turn of the page on the toxicity of Trumpism did not materialize. All of a sudden they needed to rethink how their psychology would endure yet another 4 years of incompetence, idiocy and antics that will test their belief in what they thought people were capable of. 

I am much less surprised than I used to be which does not mean I am not disappointed. People who gorged on MAGA kool-aid and believe that this administration will cure what ails them are in for a rude wakeup call. Trump hasn't even been sworn in and the circus of stupidity has already begun. 

That America was prepared to elect an imbecile who is also a felon should surprise us less if we understand both history and human psychology. There is a significant portion of society that believes in saviors while another faction uses their tenure to line their own pockets. 

The intelligent and well-intentioned aren't listened to especially in an era that openly feasts on ignorance and wears lack of expertise as a badge of honor..

Being held captive by a handful of swing states, the votes of a great deal of Americans do not matter at all. The hope of bypassing the electoral college system to one where the electors choose the president based on popular vote results, does not yet have enough states signed on. 

It will be an uphill battle to get to 270 since the current system suits the minority currently controlling the country very well indeed. They are busy taking the country backwards.

Sunlight

In the thread I featured from Reddit dealing with definitions and umbrellas, one of the people said that they didn't transition for fun. Their decision involved none of that since having gender dysphoria isn't about pleasure. It is about resolving a crisis of identity. 

For older people without dysphoria, their pain usually came in the form of fear of rejection from the public, friends and family about something they would like to do which was based on temporary expression. Once they had satiated the desire, they would go back to a regular life. This way of living, which for decades was mandatory for many, is disappearing 

I am fascinated by seeing how today youth is converting all forms of gender variance into more public and permanent displays. Young males who play openly with gender won't hide anything away in a closet, basement or attic because there is no longer need for covert cosplay. Young transgender people also face their challenges of identity much earlier in life and take concrete steps towards dealing with their dysphoria. 

Everything today is more exposed to the sunlight and decisions made before people lose themselves down rabbit holes which make it almost impossible to find their way back to authenticity.

Sometimes...

 

No one cared

Just minutes ago I was waiting for my bus and across the street (which was bustling) came walking a person who was some flavor of gender variant. I would estimate early 40's.

They had long lack hair with a shock of red. They wore a leather jacket, skirt, black leggings and boots and there was not a single doubt that they were born male. 

They walked confidently and went about their business. 

No one cared.

Better late

There is a time for everything in life and I wish I had absorbed that lesson sooner. Knowing what I know today and were I still young I would medically transition but that does not mean I regret my actions because my children are my pride and joy. 

I could have waited and disconnected myself from societal obligation but my generation didn't do that. We followed orders like members of a cult thinking that the prescribed formula worked equally well for everyone. 

It didn't. 

Today I know myself, how the world functions and how irrelevant its opinions are which isn't too late. It is simply better late than never.

Sarah

Sarah was an aerospace technician before running a YouTube channel full-time for several years now. She loves to work on cars. 

As I was watching, my transgender radar began to go off even if she looks the perfect picture of archetypal female. Somewhere in her thirties and standing almost 6 ft (something she confesses), she is lean and well proportioned but it was something about her voice which would be perfectly fine for most people that made me wonder. Of course I could be wrong but I noticed that in one of her videos where she gets personal, she mentions not wanting to get to deep into who she is. 

If she did transition it was very early and she seems to have a perfect balance between masculine and feminine energy. Yes, she is attractive but not a caricature of womanhood by any means. She is herself. 

Sarah loves cars and why wouldn't she.

The bigots in charge

It's going to be a long 4 years and so I hope your tolerance for hateful imbeciles is high...

The Karate Kid

 

Genius has a limit

Sarah McBride will be sworn in this January for her new role as a member of Congress and of course Nancy Mace is making bathroom use an issue because it's a red meat issue for the cult. The country has big issues to fix but none bigger than where Sarah pees. 

CNN covered the story and the comment section was full of the usual knuckle-draggers.

"We don't want biological men in women's spaces!" On the automatic presumption that Sarah isn't just there for a bodily function, wash her hands and leave. They would rather she use the men's room because she might be a predator. 

Transgender women all over America currently use women's washrooms and many completely fall under the radar although sometimes more masculine looking biological women are accused of being men and are harassed. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.

I always go back to the same Einstein quote "the difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits"

Thread

If you want to understand why I increasingly moved towards the main criterias of 1) primary motivation and 2) gender dysphoria presence and its intensity, look no further than the Reddit thread below (which was considerably longer). Apparently, granular definitions depend on who you talk to.

Fundamentally you want to target a peaceful and distress-free life. After that call yourself what you like. I stick to the term gender variance as being at the top of the tree to cover all expression and identity outside societal norm which increasingly sits on a bed of sand.

THREAD

Q: Why are crossdressers under the trans umbrella?

So I'm cishet and I saw crossdressers as a part of the trans umbrella, why? 

I thought to be under the umbrella your gender doesn't match your biological sex, but that doesn't hold up with all crossdressers. 

If a cis man puts on a dress but still wants to be called a man then his gender matches his biological sex. 

I'm not too well-versed on this type of stuff which is why I'm asking.

A: It's mostly a history thing when people inside and outside the community lumped all gender nonconforming people together with trans people. Personally I consider cross dressers welcome and accepted allies in trans spaces, but not under the trans umbrella

A: I will say that also that being a crossdresser can eventually lead you to the conclusion that you’re trans. That’s how my egg cracked 

A: I don’t think cross dressers generally are considered to be under the trans umbrella. If a cis person cross dresses that doesn’t make them any flavor of trans unless their gender actually differs from their assigned gender at birth.

A: Crossdressers are not considered trans. Historically the term transgender was a broader term for anyone who was gender nonconforming, including crossdressers and nonbinary people, while the term transsexual was used for binary trans people who physically transitioned. That changed over the years and transgender was used only for people who identify as another gender than what they were assigned. Meaning transgender now includes nonbinary and binary trans people, but not cis crossdressers or gender nonconforming people and transsexual is considered an outdated term now.

A: Long ago trans activist here. 

Once upon a time, we considered CDs to be “transgender, but cissexual”. When we lost transsexual as a word, we lost cissexual as well. Honestly I don’t miss TS much but I do miss CS, especially as it let us distinguish between cisgender and cissexual privilege. 

I transitioned in those days and still consider crossdressers/GNC people to be tg if they want the identity.

A: Cis crossdressers aren’t trans. They may be welcome in some of the same communities, but they absolutely aren’t trans. 

The same as cis drag artists. They aren’t trans. It’s a costume, a performance, they take it all off at the end of their session. It’s a different persona they put on for fun. 

My transition was because it was medically necessary. Being trans doesn’t tend to be a fun thing that people pick up as a hobby.

Etc....

Why still write?

After a certain period of time has passed, I pause and ask myself the same question: Why do I still write? 

I suppose it's because I enjoy it and the unfairness of the world gets under my skin. Pointing it out sometimes helps me process it and disarm the indignation.

Originally I wanted to resolve my internal conflict and demystify the subject of gender variance by trying to get to its roots and its various motivations; the most important of which by far is gender dysphoria. I wanted to separate fact from fiction without falling victim to any mythology and I feel certain I have achieved that to the best of my ability. 

Today I am living the way I was always meant to with only some small remaining cleanup left. I have never felt better in my own skin or more like myself. There is no more identity angst driving the impetus to write thoughts down and this clearer vision enables me to get the roots of issues better.

I don't see myself entirely stopping and the ups and downs of traffic are unimportant (I have experienced wild swings over the years). These are my private thoughts and would write them down regardless. Sharing them might strike a chord in someone and that is enough of a reason for doing so. 

Living alone for a number of years has been instrumental in finally getting to the core of who I am. I am 100% convinced that everyone needs that period of solitude as prerequisite to discovering their authenticity and what actions must be taken to honor it.

If I have in some small way helped you discover something about yourself then I am glad.

Required viewing

Whose fault was it?? here is your answer from a passionate Steve Shives....

97 year old prediction

This is clear proof that there have always been people among us who have clearly understood human psychology as well as the cycles of history...

Be ready for either

If you flinch in public you are cooked. People can tell I'm happy and will smile and ask me for directions. Recently an older disabled Chinese lady asked for my help after telling me the handicap lift was not working. I was so glad to be able to do so and she was so grateful.

Conversely, with the wrong types I am ready to turn nasty in a heartbeat. Your body language and demeanor speak for you.

I am ready for either scenario but above all, I first aim to be kind.

A little luxury

One of the most luxurious places in Montreal to drink coffee is called Crew Café. Set inside the cavernous lobby of a 19th century bank building, it has become a frequently visited spot for locals and tourists alike as it resides on the lip of the old city in a district which used to be the financial nerve center of the country on la rue St Jacques. Call it Canada's former Wall Street if you like. 

I don't come often but this morning the crowd was duly sparse.

Did I ever mention that I love my city?  Oui je l'adore ;)

The way of water

One of my eternal sins is overthinking. Everything is analyzed and combed over so I can properly understand which can make you lose feeling. One of my earliest conflicts was the how to avoid giving in too easily to instinct before having properly understood this subject. 

Of course the answer was that the comprehension process happens in parallel to feeling and accepting your core essence. One does not follow the other. As a young child I felt something I was taught to reject and I needed to find my way back except now with more the mind of someone trained in the sciences.

After accounting for individual dysphoria levels, people who I deemed too easily fell into acceptance were in equal parts irritating and admirable and I eventually learned to find my own perspective which always kept a certain degree of objectivity and skepticism. As a result I gravitated more towards thought-provoking, analytical and introspective blogs. There are so many types of people in the world with their myriad of viewpoints, that I wanted to keep more of a bird's eye view and looked for obvious archetypal patterns in the process. 

This last cleanup phase has been about marrying the analytical with the emotional and finding a balance point the way that water eventually does after it is perturbed.

It works very well for me.

What my children will learn

Follow the logic chain. The GOP obsesses on transgender people and uses them in their onslaught of scare tactics. After the election loss some Democrats blame the election loss on, among other things, transgender people when they didn't mention them at all during the campaign. This includes pundits like Bill Maher who is having a great deal of trouble keeping up with societal progress. 

People aren't clever.

I tell my son that as he gets older one of his main disappointments will be how much of his life was spent worrying about what people think after he realizes that so many don't think at all.

Top 5 myths

 

Emergency

Two Montréal city counselors want to make the homeless problem an emergency. I agree with them because like all large North American cities this has become an epidemic. It's easy to say that all these people don't want to work and wash our hands of it, but the reality is that the sheer number is a sign of the times. 

Not only am I asked for change very frequently but there are people wandering the streets incoherently talking to themselves in numbers that are at a peak for my lifespan thus far. We have hit a point where the errors of our ways have come back to haunt us. 

Globalization certainly didn't help and since we were too clever by half, we decided that everyone would benefit by having the richer nations rape the planet with equal opportunity as strategy. Business owners lined their pockets and those of their shareholders by manufacturing abroad leaving the rest of society  to fend for themselves. In America the sins were particularly severe since the safety net barely exists. 

Now those same serfs have voted for a party that wants to strip even more "entitlements" away while singing the praises of a trickle down economic theory that was dispelled a charlatanism decades ago. 

Some people forgot to warn us that many people are greedy and we will yet again get a reminder.

Constant adaptation

"Tu est une bonne fille" says Sylvie over coffee lauding me for visiting my 88 year old mother every Saturday morning. She still knows nothing of my gender history. 

I did end up telling Caroline and Maika (she has a transgender brother) who both work at the farmer's market cafe I frequent and with whom I have become good friends. They were amazingly supportive. I didn't need to do it but I wanted to because it felt cathartic to share it. Once again I can say I have lost no one of value.

A journey like this is constantly morphing and you adapt often thinking you have firmly stopped at a plateau only to, yet again, be proven wrong.

95% of it is mental.

       New cafe on the plateau Mont Royal

        Owner is from Marseille and lovely.

It will not go well

I was watching more fallout from the election in the form of people losing friendships and relationships over their votes for Trump. Many liberals found that the person they thought they knew did something against them by voting for someone of low moral character, divisive nature and history of degrading minorities and women. 

We are living in a very strange timeline and this wasn't your average election. It was almost a referendum on what type of person you are; your values and sense of decency and judgement were being weighed and many people cannot get past it. 

I know it will be a very challenging 4 years and many mistakes will be made by virtue of the even more mentally erratic Trump being surrounded only by sycophants. Whether the damage to the country is irreparable will remain to be seen, but I am also of the opinion that some relationships will not be reformed because the vote of those they thought they knew touched a nerve deep in what constituted their core value system. It wasn't about a status quo political option but, for many people, about what kind of person you are. 

As I have aged I find it increasingly common to be able to identify people who aren't well-informed and yet extremely opinionated because we live in an age that has encouraged it. The results over the next 4 years will likely not be positive for the things you  should want to uphold and cherish in a society. Radical conservatism wrapped in authoritarian leanings isn't about diversity and inclusion. It is about holding some people back and suppressing rights of some people, often already marginalized, that we do not like. 

In that sense, it will not go well.

Care of the self

One of the biggest takeaways from my life thus far is that we are the only ones who can properly look after our needs. No sibling, no friend or spouse can do the job of protecting and preserving our psyches and elevating our sense of well being like we can. 

If we tend to be a problem solver we can leave our own needs behind and people will let us do it. They can't help it as they have their own needs and if your strength helps them they will accept the help. But we can forget ourselves in the process if we are not careful. 

Today I look after my own needs better than I ever have and it has contributed to my own sense of balance and harmony.

After the Ordeal

 

Man yells at clouds

Bill Maher can't help himself because he is entering his "old man yells at clouds" phase of life. On his latest show he blames the election loss on his usual "boutique" issues of transgender people and makes fun of "queers for Palestine". 

The loss was really about educated and wealthy elites leaving the working class behind which helps explain why large urban population centers vote blue while more rural areas vote red. It's become largely college-educated versus non, but Maher would prefer to strawman because he can't keep up and transgender people confuse him. 

Biden tried to do what he could despite being constrained by a hostile congress but in the echo chamber age it's much harder to get through to people.

Instead of focusing on the core issue of economics and being left behind which many Trump voters felt, he chooses something which most people don't care about. They worry much more about the cost of food, housing and other expenses plus feeling looked down upon culturally not whether trans athletes are taking over women sports. Not that it wasn't fed to them ad nauseum as red meat by perennially hateful right-wingers as distraction.

I used to be able to watch Maher, but now, his smugness runneth over.

Permanent vs temporary

Temporary and permanent gender variance can be quite different. Some people enjoy escaping the pressures of their life, the social obligations of their gender and feast in occasional cross gender expression. This contrasts against forms where the expression is permanent. 

The young man I saw on public transit with the pink hair and earrings was expressing himself outside what used to be conventional gender norms. His expression is permanent and he is not playing a temporary role and he is being authentic. He is also, from what I gathered, completely comfortable with his male identity. 

It took me a while to make that switch in my head as I had been raised to drown out authenticity from a young age. Therefore as a result of life decisions I made plus my pervasive societal programming I was forced into temporary not knowing how well a more permanent situation would suit me. 

The interesting thing is that people living with temporary expression are split between those who are obliged and constrained via life circumstances and those who choose and prefer the episodic despite the potential to go further.

Once again, a mosaic.

Winners and losers

The crux of the problem....

Leopards ate my face

"I never thought that leopards would eat MY face" say some of the people who voted for the Leopards Eat Your Face Party. 

Since MAGA is largely a movement based on hate and grievance against the "other" many thought it was nice to have a leader dislike the same people they did. Let's strawman transgender people, immigrants and any other minorities we don't like but now I am starting to see some reservations with those same voters regarding potential cuts to the department of education, rollbacks or outright eliminating the ACA, introduction of tariffs etc. 

Suddenly it is their face in danger and that wasn't supposed to happen. Some Latino men even voted for Trump thinking they would be safe because the gate was closing behind them. They might be in for some wakeup calls. 

I ask myself rhetorically why people are like this knowing full well what the answer is.

How terminology falls apart

Consider that when the term "crossdressing" was still in vogue, society was considerably more binary than it is today. What I see now is more a sea of various states of ambiguity, androgyny and mixing than ever before. Certainly there are hardly any items of clothing or accessories that are considered sacrosanct and exclusive to either sex. Look back to the 1950's as point of reference as reality check of our progress. 

Also consider that as women over time began to slowly push sartorial boundaries, it wasn't described with any particular term.

Under today's social norms the term "crossdressing" becomes almost meaningless unless you are trying to hark back to a world of decades past and its stereotypes who practiced it almost as a lifestyle with its customs, secrecy and little idiosyncrasies; something youth is less likely to adopt because they live far more openly.

Small wonder that language evolves and even then largely fails to accurately capture the complexities of humans.

No criticism to speak of, but simply observation. Maybe, if you don't have dysphoria, stop labeling yourself with a term.

The price of not being alone

Content on relationship power dynamics between men and women is plentiful on YouTube. What to do and not to do is laid out in great detail by numerous creators who purport to know the answer to the riddle of what each sex wants in an era when pairings are at their most fragile. 

This is easily the most complex thing a person can enter into particularly today when people are on tender hooks looking for the first sign that they can parachute out. 

By the time we are over 5 years into any couple scenario we have built a communication style and flow based on the temperaments and the character of each person plus the flaws of each are clearly on the table. We learn to accommodate and adjust based on recognized patterns some which help and others make life more difficult. It comes with the price of not being alone. 

In my early 60's I understand all too well the stakes involved and the fundamental drivers of people, but I would be no better guaranteed a successful outcome if I ignored signs I now recognize much earlier on. 

I wish I could think of an ideal model I could point to people as inspiration. But, alas, I know not of any.

I just know of humans doing their best.

Emilia Perez

That Emilia Perez is an unusual film is an understatement. A genre-defying Mexican drama-musical about the gender confirmation surgery desires of a cartel criminal with intense gender dysphoria, you might think it shouldn't work and yet it does. 

Zoe Saldana plays Rita the lawyer charged with the obligatory task of helping the underground figure attain her goals. In fact she isn't given a choice under the penalty of her own death. Emilia, the surgical candidate, is played by Spanish transgender actress Karla Sofia Gascon who has a wife played by Selena Gomez confused about what is going on and is kept in the dark. There are also two young children involved. 

Emilia fakes her own death to complete the process and has her wife think she died. I shall reveal nothing else but it gets increasingly complex from there.

On Netflix in Spanish with English subtitles and highly recommended.

Moral panic!

This proves how such a small issue explodes. David Pakman keeps his composure here and fares well facing well-established and insufferable idiots like Morgan and Rubin...

 

Skeptic

Right from the start I have always approached the topic of gender variance as a natural skeptic. I was trained to think critically first by my father, then by the Jesuits and then by my education in physics and engineering. This had me question everything despite my own early history telling me to trust my instincts.

I read everything I could get my hands on including toxic theories which I felt compelled to analyze to make sure I didn't ignore anything which might have validity. 

My old blog right from the outset was full of questioning and agonizing because as someone born in the early 1960's I hadn't had the benefit of being allowed any authenticity and was taught to suppress it. I proceeded to find out whether I was deluded, perverted or mentally ill which thankfully proved to be blind alleys.

In the process I changed my mind about many aspects and got to the roots of what constitutes motivation in people which turns out is quite varied. I have also reconstituted many loose threads which had been left exposed through ignoring them via a busy life and have finally sown them back into my full personhood. 

Skepticism is healthy and keeps us realistic and it is why I am not a bandwagon person. I always need to think for myself. Thus the aim of each person needs to be a balanced existence where their anxiety and distress are lessened and internal peace maximized which is how we know we are headed in the right direction.

Everything else is just flotsam.

The red cape

The real target of gender criticals are those who dare to usurp womanhood. They don't care as much about gender variant people who express themselves as they choose in public but once you talk about women's spaces and sports you have put the red cape before the bull. 

Decades ago transsexuals transitioned and disappeared into society and hence womanhood was necessary if you knew what was good for you. If you wanted to lead as close to a normal existence as possible, you didn't ever talk about your origins. People like Terri Noel (who began in female impersonation) married men post-transition who never knew their past. 

That young transgender woman whose video I featured recently is 9 years into transition and is not yet 30 and in this era the concept of stealth is almost impossible. She adopts the composite term describing her identity to make the distinction that her biology is different. But then biology doesn't determine how she feels (at least not her genitals) and she doesn't get hung up if people use biological arguments on her. They simply bounce off as irrelevant because she doesn't deny them.

What is particularly galling is that the percentage of people who fully medically transition are a small percentage of the people who express gender variance overall (which is already relatively small) making the moral panic around it very much about the idiocy of some humans who apparently have nothing better to target or worry about.

Attorney general?

I knew it was going to be a total clown show. Add this idiot to the FOX host as secretary of defense.

Minefield

Curbing gender variant behaviour is a thorny subject which becomes all the more so within the context of a relationship. I always go back to the essential question: what is the motivation for the cross gender expression? 

Some people dress for pleasure and can modify their behaviour to suit the balance required to stay married. Others who have varying degrees of dysphoria will have more difficulty navigating this issue. If they see this as a question of identity it will be more challenging for them. 

Quite a while back I came to the conclusion that an issue of core identity cannot be readily negotiated away nor should it because one of the partners will also be unhappy. The spouse is getting a lesser version of that person. 

I have met recreational dressers as well as transsexual people and no matter what, it is more often than not, a tricky issue.

Balance point

I find no glee in being unkind and I have been working on reducing my indignation at the obvious flaws of society while being far from a wilting flower. At the same time I have never been friendlier or more open with strangers.

Life has toughened me up and at 62 I don't have any fear while still maintaining a common sense approach to avoiding obvious danger. We cannot live in a state of constant alert in a world where some feel emboldened to be jerks.  

Sometimes I sit next to people on the metro who like to take up real estate and I will gently shove myself firmly into place. I am not aggressive but at the same time pass the message that they aren't more entitled because they are braver to claim territory. We need to be heard and seen because some smell weakness when they detect timidity.

Let's have a beer

I've been thinking about when being stupid became a point of pride and how it got melded with being folksy. Dubbya wasn't the sharpest tool but people wanted to have a beer with him because they found him approachable. 

Reagan was the first president whose unfitness and past as a mediocre actor made him a target and it only got worse from there. Imagine JFK or Nixon being mocked in that way until one remembers that despite their flaws these men were rather intelligent. With Clinton it was his sexual indiscretion and not his mental acuity. 

Trump is easily the stupidest of them all and yet the vote count would have you think otherwise until you remember the power of echo chambers and social media where people are emboldened to say the idiotic with absolute confidence. It's not objective truth that matters but instead our conviction towards "alternative facts" (to quote Kellyanne Conway). 

Pete Hesgeth is going to be secretary of defense and, in this golden age of idiocy, it only makes perfect sense.

Cue Elon Musk for the victory leap.

Now you must govern

When you have the presidency, the house and the senate, the politics of grievance will no longer do. Now you have it all and you must deliver and here is where the wheels will fall off the bus. 

This administration's agenda is largely toxic and will hurt a lot of people. Deportations will remove people likely currently helping the economy (California has already said hands off their workers) and tariffs will hurt pocketbooks already strained (no China doesn't pay them). When you factor in the incompetence you will see major gaffes which will most assuredly take the shine off the apple in relatively short order. 

Already there are people regretting their vote and Trump isn't even sworn in with some companies already laying off staff in anticipation of tariffs. When the average Joe doesn't see things improve, Trumpism will start to unravel and likely die off but not before doing some major damage. 

The legacy of the first Trump term was huge tax cut for the wealthy, increasing the national debt and the total bungling of a pandemic but hey who remembers that Trump suggested bleach or shining a light inside the body. What a rocket scientist.

But people are going to be people with all their wonderfully short attention spans. No wonder PT Barnum was successful; he understood humanity.

Crossdressing or trans woman?

Here is a take from a female lifestyle coach who works with both and captures the key distinctions but of course in many cases there can be considerable blurring. You know I am firmly on the record in saying that the term "crossdressing" is outdated but nevertheless...

More fallout

 

Inner child

Watching the Martha Stewart documentary on Netflix made me realize how pivotal our childhoods are. The first 10 years of life are particularly important and as we get to the cusp of puberty we have already been well indoctrinated into the requirements of our society. The more rigid the cultural and parental demands, the less wiggle room we have to find authenticity. 

Stewart had a demanding and critical father and at home there wasn't much affection. Hence she learned to be perfectionist because she had been identified by her father as the chosen one. When she eventually wanted to marry a Jewish man she was harshly struck across the face as in addition to a taskmaster he was a racist.

Martha Stewart comes off as cold and calculating and yet underneath you can see there is soft layer she dare not expose too freely. Her composure sometimes breaks and she looks down asking that we change the subject when the interview hits too close to home.

We are somehow always deep down that 10 year old child looking to be loved for exactly who we are.

The problem in a nutshell

40 years ago expression and identity were mostly kept separate. Transsexuals with intense dysphoria transitioned (especially if androphilic to start with) and straight and gay men had dressing clubs and drag balls respectively or they expressed themselves at home. 

Today we have mixed them together which includes dysphoric and non-dysphoric people alike. It seemed to work well for a while until a boundary was crossed (after the tipping point of 2015) when criticals said enough was enough. These people were from church groups, more radical forms of feminism and plain old haters. 

In an ideal world heresy against the binary wouldn't be so politicized but humans can't help themselves and women's suffrage under patriarchy made advancements by gender variant people particularly galling for some of them. It was much like the classic transsexual backlash against those who they deemed to be pretenders via their arguments for the legitimacy of transmedicalism. 

Of course things were never that simple and people who were themselves constrained by strict gender roles for decades by virtue of birth era stayed put. Some may have wanted to transition decades ago but critical life decisions made that all but impossible. 

Therefore under this new created tent came a new set of problems. Under the banner of 'trans', some current youth are having some trouble separating their freedom of expression with issues of identity and some experimented with transition and regretted (even if the percentage is low). Older gender variant people with little to no dysphoria who had felt constrained and shunned for years were also included as were a host of new identities with younger people calling themselves non-binary or gender non-conforming instead of using outdated terms. Some of this latter group don't question core identity very much but want to be freed from gender constraints.

Gender variance doesn't have the same exact motivations for everyone and you can see where I am going with this. 

The new expanded universe of transparency is fine because society is a mosaic but it has been causing problems for a public that is largely confused and uneducated in the topic. Most of them don't care and are slowly adapting but there is a percentage that will fight this tooth and nail as it puts their deeply held dogmas into question. Conservatives are the most apt to get their panties in a bunch over it.

I for one am glad for the transparency provided that we recognize the distinctions where help is needed which invariably comes down to the presence of gender dysphoria and how to deal with it without overshooting. At this point it is not elective but requires dealing with in some form or other. I would have been spared a lot of problems if I had the resources and knowledge I possess today and I want others to avoid the same experience.

Martha

"As one gets older, imperfection is something we can deal with" and with that line where she waxes philosophic, ends the Netflix documentary on Martha Stewart. Enigmatic, exacting and demanding, she created an empire which then collapsed after being accused and ultimately convicted of insider trading. This film focuses both on her humble origins and the way she ran things in her own inimitable style which not everyone liked. 

The takeaway here for me is how the way we are parented leaves significant and indelible imprint on who we are. We can embrace it or exorcise it but no matter which option is taken, there is no way to perfectly cleanse the palette of how our lives are forced to begin. 

If you didn't like her before, this documentary may not change your mind only that it will help you understand her a bit better. It will also show you that no amount of money or wealth changes those common human traits we all share.

Recommended.