The right track

The moment our desire to slap certain people becomes stronger than our fear of them is how we know that we are on the right track.

Entitled

It was a weekday morning at a busy downtown intersection and pedestrians waited to cross it. Suddenly out of nowhere comes a goggled runner pushing a big wheeled sport baby carrier yelling at the top of his voice and frantically waving for people to move out of the way. 

Entitled imbeciles like this are everywhere and if anything they have helped me forge my own sense of self.

For if these people can embarrass themselves and have no self-awareness surely we can fully become ourselves while being nice people.

Coupable

The Trump guilty verdict was inevitable as was the reaction from the right wing. I think back to the past and America would not have been this divided on such an obvious open and shut case.

Members of the cult wept and burned incense which would have surprised before we were desensitized to what we thought was not possible in the 21st century. Trumpism helped to cure me of any remaining illusions I may have held about human progress.

The machinations of the power structures of the world are more evident as we gain experience. We can make the direct connections between the aspirations of the wealthy and the results at the governmental level. There is always bread for the masses but just enough to keep them from revolt.

The ignorance of the masses is always counted on.

Less dissatisfaction

Each time I was sure I had achieved full self-acceptance in the past, I was proven in retrospect to be wrong. Instead it was a new state of less dissatisfaction.

It takes time.

Can you name a country?

Any country??...higher education...

We tire

After a while we tire of being afraid and we build confidence. People are chatty and friendly with me at bus stops for example.

The wrong type of person however, risks my acid tongue.

What a surprise

I went to the Bibliotheque Nationale and after doing browsing in general stopped in the section on sexuality and gender to see what was available. Abigail Shrier's book "Irreversible Damage" was there and i began to leaf through it stopping at the section of who praised and recommended it.

It was of course a veritable who's who of the fringe right-wing and the gender critical movement. High praise came from Dennis Prager, Michael Knowles, Kenneth Zucker, J. Michael Bailey, Helen Joyce, Ray Blanchard and Ben Shapiro. Most are completely obtuse dolts on the topic (The Daily Wire and PragerU contingent) or have had agendas for decades. No need to go into detail with Zucker, Bailey or Blanchard if you are already read up.

You might recall that it was Lisa Littman who made up the concept of Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria by simply polling frustrated parents of gender variant youth as subjects and calling it scientific rigor. Too bad for her that the overwhelming consensus of the clinical community refutes this crackpot theory; one which is equivalent to being gobsmacked as to why left handedness suddenly shot up once people stopped being scolded for it.

No one questions the reality that some youth transition in error (far more people err with plastic surgery) but certainly not all. However the aim of these people is to use detransition and regret stories to dilegitimize all transgender people. It's an approach as intelligent and as subtle as the elephant hiding behind the lamp post.

I keep hoping that people will at least try to be more clever and less predictable but alas no.

Typiquement Montréal

 

So we can sleep at night

The video I posted yesterday about the transgender woman who runs a dressing service was interesting because it illustrated how the combination of identity and expression runs the gamut in human beings. It also showed how each person seems to have a unique outlook on the topic as well as where they stand compared to others. 

Interestingly, Blaire White who is one the more divisive figures you could think of, was used as an example to strive for. You could see that the shop owner wasn't particularly versed in the subject matter but nevertheless held strong opinions some of which would ruffle the feathers of many.

People need personal narratives so they can explain their own motivations to themselves and in a subject matter so full of nuance it's not that difficult to do. 

We need an explanation so we can sleep soundly at night.

Sight

 

Dressers

Variety is the spice of life where there are crossroads and intersections...

Sartorial evolution

I've been wearing skirts and dresses all week which I've never been more comfortable in. I see it as being reflective of my current alignment between mind and body. 

Clothing takes on less significance as it becomes part of daily routine even as it continues to provide comfort and validation in a more subdued way. For it is merely an extension of who you are.

When I queried her on the topic the other day, Patricia told me that she goes through cycles of feminine and masculine. One day she might feel very girly while another she wants to be in jeans and a T shirt and work with tools.

Balance.

Safe

We are so accustomed to our lived experience that we often don't know how to step outside of it. Patterns are set early on and we look for what is familiar instead of what might be best. Fear of the unknown and of rejection is what keeps us where we are.

But life without stepping outside boundaries only guarantees that our experiences will be more limited and we will learn less about ourselves and others. As a natural introvert this had been hard for me to work on but I continue to push the envelope especially since coming out. For I had built a structure around my life which wasn't sufficiently malleable to let in surprise. 

Order can create a predictable and safe environment which can also suffocate and inhibit experimentation off a weathered and beaten path.

"You are gangsters"

Robert DeNiro spoke today in New York in his inimitable style which reminds one of his movie characters. The tonality is so familiar.

His bluntness is welcome of course and as he walked past the gauntlet of some boisterous Trump sycophants he couldn't help but talk back while pointing an accusatory finger.

It's hard to comprehend how a vile and disgusting excuse for a human being inspires so many until you remember that Trump touches a nerve in all people who are deeply angry, disgruntled but not overly analytical or particularly intelligent. History has numerous examples of despots doing the same with the same throngs.

One wishes there were a better choice than Biden who seems hell bent on hitching his legacy to over 40,000 dead civilians in Gaza, but I'm afraid he is the only thing standing in the way of the retribution presidency of a deeply disturbed sociopath who nevertheless has too many spellbound for there to be any comfort.

"Living as"

I like the expression "living as a woman" because it suits me and describes what I am doing. I am a transgender person who is socially living as female and am treated as such by society. For me it need not go further.

I needed to do some very deep diving into sex and gender theory to end up describing my situation. For I wasn't someone who dressed up for fun but then I didn't hate my current physical body to the point of needing to change it. For a long time it felt like i resided in a no man's land (pardon the pun) and the psychology needed to catch up after decades of denial beginning in childhood.

I understand that chromosomes and genitalia do not define who we are. That definition resides in our minds but for me adopting the mantle of womanhood was less pivotal than finding a method to treat my lifelong gender dysphoria which I undertook in earnest as an experimental process of trial and error beginning in my mid 40's. Something had to be done and after some hospital gender identity clinic treatment, a few years later I began to blog as part of my continued therapy.

Someone who has fully transformed their body to the extent that describing them as other than a woman would seem spiteful, has certainly earned the right to call themselves one. For to be a woman is mostly about adopted role and identity within society rather than one's birth sex. You walk the talk and take the good with the bad that living openly as your chosen gender in society brings with it.

As for myself, I needed a different descriptor which would suit me because I fell just shy of someone for whom medical transition was mandatory and "living as" seemed to finally fit the bill and it did.

Plastering over

Everyone's psyche needs constant little repairs; not just transgender people's. It is like we are regularly plastering over little holes to make sure the drywall stays intact.

The retirement process of a person with no limits can confuse one for there is no one to report to and you can look after yourself. After decades of responsibility to others and to very defined work and life structure filled with tasks, it can and does sporadically disorient.

If it weren't for my discipline and introspection I could see how easily I could get lost, but I treat the little holes I fall into sometimes as part of the adaptation process to this next phase of life.

Three colors

 

Piecemeal

We are once again destroying ourselves piecemeal. Every day I see people on the verge of destitution while others obtusely drive monstrous trucks they like to call SUVs. We are reliving the age of the "Robber Baron" because we aren't intelligent enough as a species to understand history.

So the lower classes try to stay afloat on stagnant wages that increasingly buy less goods while others regale in ostentatious and frivolous splendor.

In the 1950's North America was busy building itself a prosperous middle class with the extra rich and poor factions merely blips on the radar. Taxation was fair and with it infrastructure was built for the future cities which are now in decay and in desperate need of repair. The coffers to repair them are empty.

The denser baby boomers can complain all they like about youth work ethic but we had better prospects coming out of school than current graduates do and we could purchase homes at 2 to 3 times our yearly salaries instead of 6 to 8 times. We could also count on steady employment with some of us only having worked for one firm our entire careers.

Piecemeal.

"I know who i am"

My friend Patricia was in town yesterday so we went for breakfast and then thrifting which I know she adores. 

While inside the store I spotted a tall and slightly heavy set transgender woman who I would estimate to be about 6'4". I never acknowledge other transgender people plus she was going about her business browsing the racks while very casually dressed. Maybe she was 35.

As she approached where Patricia and I were standing, I saw her face and noticed a look of serene confidence which said "I know who I am". She then proceeded to cross paths with numerous people who did not give her a second look which I think reflected both how far we have come and what occupying your space with quiet confidence does for you as a person.

By the way, Patricia as usual came out like a bandit paying $60 for a stash easily worth $300.

The virtue of patience

The older we get the less patient we can become. Interestingly my patience for idiots is at an all-time low but I have all day for lovely people.

This morning I ran into Mathilde as she was watering flowers outside the daycare she works at. Ten years my junior we hit it off during my early morning pandemic walks and we are so happy when we see each other.

We talk about patience and how hers and husband's are also depleting. He is closer to my age and is complaining to her all the time she says with an expression of chagrin. I say that men are worse as they age and she laughs while nodding in agreement.

I tell her I am working on myself to let the world go and focus on what I can change in myself while trying to be kind to others.

Ce n'est pas toujours facile.

Burns speaks out

 

The origin of the desire

The desire to 'express oneself as' or 'be' the other sex seems to have many angles. Yes, we could look at the biological causation argument but that only explains one subset of people. What about those who are perfectly happy in their birth sex but simply need the outlet of expression?

In truth there is no way to know precisely which is why even individuals themselves can morph over time as they grasp their situation. They may have started off with a certain identification only to end up at a different place sometimes decades later.

One of the narratives I still see is the "I don't know why I am this way but I can't help it" which suggests a helpless swimmer carried along by a strong current. The desire to rid themselves of their gender variance may have been for the sake of leading a "normal" life which becomes more powerful than a primordial urge which isn't fully understood even by the person themselves.

The biological causation possibly loses ground for a person who begins to express variance after puberty but then we could talk about the predisposition being present but simply never acted upon until some watershed.

In the past we would talk in terms of mental illness or fetish (although some are indeed motivated by it) because the perfect binary was sold as being immovable and to diverge from it meant willfully disobeying the way one was created by God. Never mind that humans have far more elasticity to their behaviour. It simply wasn't allowed.

Complicate me

If there is a way to complicate something human beings will find it. Many are deeply afraid and will use that fear as a weapon to attack, limit and discriminate. Those who recognize that can use it to their advantage.

The power structures of the world count on conflict. The owner versus the worker, man against woman, etc. are part of the leverage used to create chaos where none need exist. The point is to capitalize, to win favor, loyalties and maybe even riches. Society runs on conflict because it is possible.

"Brooklyn"

 

Tumblers

The best gift we can give ourselves is internal peace; the idea is that we can float above the fray with a calm sense of perspective. The nervous system is quieted down as we detach from the more irrational and useless aspects of this life.

I like to think of it as the tumblers falling into place which doesn't solve all your problems but allows you to grade the importance of things. There is nothing like the power of prioritizing by first breathing deeply and reflecting.

Those of us who may have felt somehow misaligned employed mind tricks to stay afloat but facing our challenges also fortified our power of introspection. We ended up hopefully strengthening all other facets of the self.

Not to mention that a sense of humor about life is a huge bonus.

Fully

I write primarily for myself and as it has begun to resonate with less people, the readership has gone down which is of no import. Nevertheless I would like to think I still help some with their internal sense of fortitude.

Since coming out, some people have lauded me with being brave to which I respond that fear of living my entire life without being completely and fully myself was a considerably worse proposition.

Negotiable

Here is the dilemma: we defer to a spouse out of respect for them because they do not entirely accept our identity. My question would then be: is an identity a negotiable commodity?

If a gender variant person is mostly about expression there need not be a major issue but what if we increasingly enter the domain of core identity?

The process of self discovery can take time especially if we were heavily programmed starting in early childhood. A transgender person who discovers they are dealing with an issue of core identity is then faced with a problem if the partner is not on board. Do you stay with someone who ostensibly rejects a key component of your essence as a person?

Unfortunately or otherwise, that decision has historically tended to be made for us.

Becoming ourselves

What does becoming our authentic selves mean exactly? Well for one thing it should imply a detachment from preordained reference points.

Since we were very young we learned to live by comparison. What our peers did was used as example to adhere to as a model irrespective of its suitability. We were to do as we were told which was to be enough. Therefore becoming authentic should imply removing ourselves from these models and rid ourselves of the fear of doing so. The alternative is to keep existing under the yolk of a structure which may somewhat suit a sizeable majority but which may be anathema to us.

Even within the world of gender variance I see constant reference points. Some worry about "passing" to which I would counter with passing as what? for there is an implied reference there which smells of emulation but not necessarily of authenticity. We aim to be ourselves and not someone else.

Becoming ourselves first takes root in the brain and then affects the actions we take as a consequence. To do that we unhitch ourselves from comparing and from the fear of opinion of the madding crowd.

Then we move forward.

Hot damn!

This young British woman brilliantly slams Tory distraction on Israel conflict on a right wing network...

Bernard street

Bernard street in Outremont has once again been made pedestrian-only for the summer. It used to be and still is largely a neighborhood shared between the bourgeois francophones and the Hasidic Jewish population of Montreal. It's a beautiful area of stately homes and mature tree-lined avenues which tell visitor one better have a healthy income to live here. For the Hasidic population some of the homes have become multi-family dwellings in order to be affordable.

I like to come here sometimes and take in morning coffee over the sounds of birds, rustling trees and animated kids passing by while making their way to school.

Flawed

"Plus One" feels like a less conventional rom-com maybe because it's more grounded in reality. It doesn't glorify love but shows that it can be messy and indecisive. We wonder if we have made the right choice even after the vows are exchanged. The leads show us their foibles, their strange habits and their doubts in a way we can relate to.

There is no way to know for sure if we have found a match that will withstand the test of time but we take the leap of faith anyway hopefully cognizant that we are just as hopelessly flawed as our partner.

On Netflix and recommended.

Closing a circle

Retirement will oblige that the loose threads in the life of a transgender person be sewn back into place. For there is no place to run when all the mandatory distractions have been removed.

I keep calling it a clean up which it is and it involves closing the rest of a circle I hadn't entirely been able to accomplish before.

The patience endowed by experience helps me here because I understand all too well the way life in all its glorious messiness works.

Who are you?

This young person brings up the eternal question of validity and hierarchy within the world of gender variance. We've all heard it a million times before but it fascinates me nonetheless because it touches on the combination of expression and identity within individuals and how it can evolve over time as it has with her...

Mental

The DSM-5 says nothing about gender non-conformance being sourced in mental illness. What it does say is that distress suffered by a person can fall under the category of something which needs treatment. What we used to call transvestic fetishism (which Blanchard ostensibly retitled AGP) fell under the category of obsession which made the person suffer. It was sold as sexually-rooted mental illness which would invariably lead them to transition.

Many people have fetishes that they enjoy which don't make them suffer. For example, you can have a foot fetish and in every other way lead a perfectly conventional and happy life.

People said to have transvestic fetishism wanted to cure themselves and felt great distress. But then we can question if the distress was there because of fear of discovery and having a life potentially destroyed. They themselves may have seen their behaviour as compulsion rather as part of the way they were.

Ray Blanchard appropriated the concept of transvestic fetishism to say that gynephilic transsexuals couldn't help but transition because they suffered from a sexual narcissistic love of self as women which drove them there. They couldn't help themselves because they suffered from a paraphilia. One would even convince themselves that they suffered from dysphoria and there was no talk of a feminine essence. Even for androphilics their drive was supposedly based on a desire to sexually attract straight men.

The point I am getting to here is that if you are perfectly happy with whatever form of gender variance you espouse then there is nothing wrong with you and you should live your life. If you have gender dysphoria then you should deal with it in the best way possible to suit your needs which may necessitate a medical transition.

En bon Francais: "Point finale".

Of our own making

Many if not most of our dilemmas are self-created. For example, we think we need to choose one among a series of options based on a mental calculation that may be erroneous. But the script of that storyline is so embedded in the psyche that we are not able to see it.

The mind is very powerful and can generate its own logic but one which may be tinged with emotional blockages which keep us from seeing reality. Thus we nay have authored a narrative which permits us from living in an optimal manner.

So we keep second guessing ourselves to be sure.

"Listen In"

 With headphones please:)....

Irrelevant

People respect confidence even if sometimes grudgingly. That young man I featured who runs a food review channel gets daily hate mail about his looks, the length of his fingernails and how reed thin he is and yet he is unflappable with a spine of steel and shrugs it all off.

I have often said that people smell fear and they do. Therefore our best defense is to possess confidence and not feign it. Even our detractors will admire the chutzpah they themselves wish they had.

For there is something deeply depressing about living life under the thumb of people whose opinion on our lives is entirely irrelevant.

Purity test

I know what Buck Angel is trying to do but it's clumsy and it feels elitist. His way of helping police authenticity is by applying a purity test. It's very similar to the one Blaire White uses and, even if there is good intent behind the effort, it does not translate well in execution.

We cannot help everyone who ventures outside what we used to view as the official world of gatekeeping. Some will invariably take hormones and have surgery and then wind up on his channel as fodder for the criticals. So in what he views as his earnest effort Mr. Angel will feature that Ontario machine shop teacher who wears triple E breast forms and point to them as a caricature of a transgender person to make his point.

The reality is that people are deeply complex and do all kinds of things which you need not venture very far outside the world of gender variance to witness. So if you want to want to help others maybe a change of tactic is in order such that those who are happy in their lifestyle and aren't hurting anyone need not be belittled?

Mission almost accomplished

I was speaking with Jack Molay yesterday on Whattsapp and we noted how much his mission to destigmatize the transgender experience for most of us has been accomplished. His posts back in the early 2010's sometimes received upwards of 60 comments (many of them steeped in angst) and now there is a handful and most of them observations. This is wonderful news.

We are almost the same age and hence received the same restrictive and caustic messaging which did not allow us to diverge from a preset script written for us in advance.

The challenge now lies mostly outside in the world of the gender criticals who are doing their best to throw things at the wall hoping it sticks. The most vocal don't care if their points are couched in reality for they just need to convince a still largely ignorant public that is increasingly disinterested in their hatred as they get younger.

Living openly and freely without fear of reprisal is the goal and we are getting there.

Genius

 

Taxes

Our societies are once again falling apart so that they can be remade. The consequences of stupidity, short-sightedness and greed are making sure that we learn our lesson since humanity seems incapable of avoiding the precipice and needs for all to come crashing down at regular intervals. The cycle is unfailingly predictable and we fiddle away once again as the numbers of the marginalized continue to increase.

Not enough of us think collectively but instead individually which is why history is replete with the same errors. People will complain about paying taxes while failing to note that part of the reason is to avoid a societal collapse which would invariably affect them should it happen.

Today I am alive and well thanks to a Canadian government-run medical system which I helped fund through my taxes. So while I could complain about the high percentage of my income that went to taxation, those critical interventions were worth every penny that I paid over the years. Not to mention that I am so glad if someone else benefited from my contribution.

Pigeonholed

Over my life I tended to find many people uninteresting because I felt they had little to say. Many were nice enough but missing a profundity that inspired me to have long conversations with them. With work colleagues the delivery of goals filled much of the conversation over coffees which included gripes about the management. Outside of work many I met seemed wrapped up in the more trivial and mundane pursuits of life and had trouble or disinterest in moving beyond them.

I looked for deep insight but slowly realized over time that different people have a grasp on other important facets of life. Kindness, patience and empathy were not qualities that came from education but instead from a well of social intelligence that many intellectuals lacked. I realized that the aim of each person should be to elevate themselves in all areas to become truly whole. Critical thinking was a key element no doubt, but the softer human qualities needed to follow as well.

Some of the interactions which have most stayed with me have been with people who aren't intellectual giants but nevertheless possess a quietness of spirit and a natural and friendly disposition which disarmed you of any impetus you might have had to pigeonhole them.

They were real and they were themselves and that was enough.

Clean the palette

If you saw that video I posted on Sam's detransition you would have learned that he was abused as a child which led to trauma and eventually loathing of the masculine self. Having now healed he has decided in his fifties that he never felt female but used it as a refuge to escape self-loathing.

Medical transition isn't for everyone and even most transgender people don't fully do so. There are always variants and if I've succeeded in passing on a message in my writing, I hope that it's about abandoning an all-or-nothing approach as the only way to honor core identity. Life is often messy and introduces many roadblocks which those of us who are older are all too familiar with. 

Conversely, ignoring gender dysphoria is never a good option.

The most important lesson I learned was that I could respect my identity while customizing a solution which respected my reality and life decisions I had made. I finally realized how I could allow my identity to flourish while accommodating my life situation and settled on social transition as a more than suitable compromise.

We used to get very hung up on what it means to be a man or a woman but with time the relaxing of gender expression norms has allowed many people to find their own unique formula. Not everyone suffers from agonizing levels of gender dysphoria and responding to our own situation with both introspection and patience can yield quite positive outcomes.

Without first dealing with any underlying issues of trauma, guilt, shame and most importantly fear of public ridicule, an optimal solution will not be found because our mind will be clouded with issues that don't permit clear thinking which is why before taking any concrete action we must first clean the palette.

Variatio 1

 

Uniqueness

Tell me this young man isn't unique and very secure. I love it...

Gravitas

Emily Shilling is a US navy commander with an engineering background who is the first transgender person to be cleared for flying duty post-transition. I found out about her because I happened upon a "women in science" seminar on YouTube and wasn't certain she was transgender until she spoke otherwise I would not have known.

She spoke eloquently and calmly giving her experiences in combat flying missions while wearing her best navy uniform. The only difference with the male version was the skirt and the black patent dress pumps she wore on her feet.

People like her give me hope because her demeanor and serious credentials give the LGBTQ community a much needed kick in the gravitas proving that we are indeed found all over the place.

Villain

Jordan Peterson is perennially disgruntled. Don't force him to use pronouns or we will decapitate you with a flurry of vitriol which is grounded likely in frustrated childhood. A scowl always accompanies his diatribes and now he's become almost a comical arch-villain with his colorful suits worthy of the 1960's Batman series.

It's hard to take him seriously but he fits a niche market for those who are drawn to his pseudo-intellectual pompousness. He is the professor the right wing was missing except his shallow knowledge of subjects outside of his education are easily exposed. It's easy to say climate change isn't real couched in flowery language which ultimately means nothing.

Unless he plans on living the rest of his life in frustration, Peterson might simply want to take a chill pill.

The core problem

 

Detransition after 25 years

Everyone has a story and this is Sam's...

Brick by brick

My repair work continues brick by brick and there was a time when rage boiled underneath like a sleeping volcano which now is unlikely to erupt.

Young LGBTQ people can't understand what suppression over decades does to a person and I don't want them to ever know.

Blood on the rooftops

Few tunes are as atmospheric...

Noise

Joe Biden has lost ground among young and non-white voters. For the young the conflict in Israel and US policy surrounding it has been one of the reasons for the loss of support.

In its current form the republican party is a lost cause and has become an amalgamation of fringe causes and generalized stupidity. Nothing can be done now but vote against them and hope that disgruntled moderate conservatives take their party back or form a new one.

If one watches interviews with people on the street the heart sinks that there is hope for some people's rehabilitation. The reality is that a segment of the population is either incapable or disinterested in taking in information that may change their mindset. You must simply hope that there are more informed voters out there to counteract them.

Nevertheless we have reached a point globally where intelligent and well-crafted policy is more able to be twisted through malfeasance. Established media networks like Rupert Murdoch's can more readily sow doubt in the minds of gullible voters and encourage them to vote against their own interests to help the causes of the powerful.

Tell me more

If someone tells me they are a "crossdresser" they have told me precisely nothing about themselves. The term is pure pap which leaves out motivation which is where the heart of the grain lies.

Yes it's about clothing but it tells me nothing about what the clothing signifies. Is it game, hobby, fetish, symbol of identity?

Besides being an anachronism which isn't applicable to both birth sexes it may be that it still exists to help some people blur the terrain of gender variance. Some will use it as cover to downplay deeper gender issues while others to join a type of sorority they can belong to and revel in some fun. Both are not the exactly the same creature.

Humans are deeply complex which is why labeling seems to be a thing we favor so we don't feel quite so alone and yet such a vapid and vacuous term helps no one to understand who we are.

Please tell me more.

Fighting back

Fighting discrimation against LGBTQ people in the metro...

The dress

I will be wearing more dresses this summer than ever before. It took me a long time to fine tune the formula of length and casual comfort that I wanted. Plus for someone tall (as it is for someone short) it is a little more challenging to find the right styles.

I don't aim to blend in but invariably do because I favor much the same things that many women do. The precarious balance of style and comfort is what makes me end up falling within a spectrum that does not have me stand out. If anything these days it's been a race to the bottom to see how much we can push the envelope of casual which is where I break ranks. No pajama bottoms for this girl on public transit.

In the end we need to feel right in our skin and clothing choices are reflections of that harmony. Towards that end I don't want to advertise but to wear things which align with my mindset and what I plan on doing that day. Dresses were finally incorporated because I began to feel good in them instead of because others told me that they suited me.

Today it is warm, I am lunching with my upstairs neighbor and I will be wearing a dress.

How to know it's not fetish

How to know it's not a fetish has a short answer which is that something always remains unresolved. Someone who enjoys dressing for sexual pleasure has no riddle to solve and post-orgasm they simply go back to their life until the next time.

A person with dysphoria has their sexuality impacted because any disconnect between birth sex and core identity will necessarily impact all aspects of their personhood. However if you don't suffer from any identity incongruence you can enjoy expression without the nagging unresolved part about what to do. That's how you know there may not be more for you to do other than accept yourself.

Resolving need not mean a complete transition but it might. Everyone has their own path.

Stature

The young man was maybe three feet tall but that wasn't what struck me. Instead it was his confidence and demeanor. He was among a group of friends and was as comfortable as they were and it was so satisfying to witness.

One can imagine how challenging his life has been to date but then there is nowhere to hide is there. He needed to steel his resolve and make a concious decision to let other things do the talking for him. He needed to look beyond his physical stature and is possibly a more mature person for having had to face the slings and arrows of some of the pure idiots walking among us.

People like him should inspire us into confidence and to disregard the masses. For if he can do it we certainly can.

Chipping away

Internalized transphobia is unavoidable especially for those of us who are older and fought our natures growing up as hard as we could. When you are educated ingesting negative opinions about anyone who is different, your own inclinations will invariably be seen as something to get rid of which is why I asked the hospital gender identity clinic to cure me when I first went to them.

Of course there is nothing wrong with transgender people but knowing this doesn't always help to get rid of the internalized transphobia completely. As someone who rejected my nature so thoroughly, I am nevertheless sometimes astounded that there isn't more residual negativity.

Delving into the science of course helped, but even more was solidifying the understanding that something this pervasive and powerful was not personally dreamed up. The fact that I could trace my gender incongruence so far back meant that its roots were not formed in pathological disorder. I am simply too level headed a person in every other aspect of my life so I eventually abandoned that type of thinking for at least some degree of biological sourcing for the way I am.

Chipping away at the internalized transphobia can be tedious and we sometimes experience setbacks but it must be dealt with if we are to live balanced lives. I don't compare myself to anyone else which is a good idea if we are going to establish a life plan which best suits us. Even if we recognize certain archetypal patterns within ourselves, it is always best we go our own way and find that highly personal formula.

Crossing the concourse

 

What gives?

I watched part of a recent video by Ray Williams who went from transgender philosopher Rachel to detransitioning and warning people about the evils of the "transgender ideology". These 180 degree about faces make me very skeptical about the original motives for some people's transitions but I am even more perturbed regarding why someone would do what he is doing.

If there are happily transitioned people elsewhere, their lives are not exactly his concern and he should simply be happy for them and for himself for finding his way.

Without a manual

My mother is 88 today. She is in good shape for her age and people instantly take 10 years off when they meet her. At this age their filter is almost all gone and they will speak too loudly and complain about food in restaurants that they can cook far better at home. There is nothing to be done about it now.

Our parents are our foils, our confidants and occasionally suppliers of dubious wisdom. But they love us while doing best despite being bereft of a manual.

She raised a transgender child without even knowing it as I only told her from my hospital bed in my mid 40's. Since then she's done the best she can for someone from her era which is all you could possibly ask for.

Imperfection

The longer we've lived the more holes there are to patch. Yes, we have gained experience but life has also handed us some challenges which have left some damage. As a result the psychology may need a little more nursing.

Judging by the amount of YouTube channels dedicated to trauma and self-help we are hardly alone in the need to deal with issues some of which may have been left to fester for decades. The innocence now gone, we see life for what it is; its obvious and glaring warts no longer rationalized away.

Here we can become despondent if we aren't careful and more friendly with cynicism than is warranted or healthy. So we work that back as best we can by having factored in the imperfections in everything as part of the natural order of things. They are not all fixable.

Having more time to think is both good and bad, so once again, there is that dogged imperfection.

This was Hartford

Victim to urban sprawl and horrible civic planning. Car culture did not help....

Psychology

Human psychology is not all that complicated. We want to love, be loved and we are apt to fall prey to fear. When the latter happens we can be prone to both insecurity and aggression.

If I run every person I have ever known through this set of criteria I can find out where they are. The more secure they are the less fearful and the more loving.

Discovery

Rediscovering my city has been good for both my mental and physical health. I walk much of the morning and find new shops, cafes, little streets I had never walked on before.

This time I was in the Cote de Neiges area and entered a cafe I sometimes go to. A lady who frequents this place greeted me and invited me to sit with her. She has been retired for 12 years now and her name is Angele. We had seen each other before and most recently we had simply settled for exchanging cordial smiles before I went to my usual spot near the window.

The conversation was interesting and she is both calm and vibrant. At 71 she could easily pass for almost 10 years younger and I find out she teaches yoga and walks almost as much as I do. This morning it was sneakers and umbrellas for both of us as it's been a rainy May this far.

We discover people and places with an open mind and heart.

The desert island

I simply love philosophical questions like this one posed by someone who is not in any way gender variant. It is somewhat similar to my proposed reflection regarding clothing suddenly becoming genderless and unisex.

The comment section is similarly fascinating...

Performing

If you watched the video on Judith Butler's theory of performativity you will note that she sees gender more as verb than noun. One performs gender and sends messaging of one's "man-ness" or "woman-ness" I think with the understanding that there are innate forces at play at the biological level for transgender people.

In theory then one could perform gender as an actor on a stage but not have much investment as some people do. Irrespective of any gender variance, it is understood that everyone performs gender whether it is to attract a partner or to be considered for joining a group. For some of them our degree of suitability will be judged based on how acceptable our performance is.

However, if gender were exclusively performance then transgender people would not exist. There would be no dysphoria and no feeling of mismatch and John Money would have been proven correct with the case of David Reimer.

Gender Performativity

Judith Butler's theory of gender performativity....

Free will

Neurologist Robert Sapolsky says that predisposition makes us do things which we can mistake for free will. In other words, it is the genetic and cultural influences whose program we act under while thinking we are choosing with more spontaneity than we actually do.

I am wondering then where the brain's neuroplasticity fits into this formula. If we are able to shake off some facets of childhood rearing was that also part of predetermined variables?

Regardless of how much free will we think we have, I feel that it is the perception that counts more than the reality. If the person feels they are making progress even within a constrained box of criteria they will feel good about themselves regardless of how little wiggle room they really have.

Random

There is a big difference between looking for love and being open to it. If one looks one is already primed with a certain mindset and examines prospects with a filter one does not have when one is simply open. The latter takes the whole person in with no preconceived ideas.

My friend Patricia asked me yesterday if I would ever look for it to which I gave a resounding no. I have already felt the painful sting of investment go sour and won't readily give up this freedom and internal peace I now have.

There is something wonderful about letting the universe come to us in unexpected and organic randomness and for someone who grew up trying to control their surroundings it is a breath of fresh air to embrace it.

Not to mention that the track record of transgender people in general (even if androphilic) tends to have the effect of keeping one grounded in reality.

Priced out

 

Fired

Imagine thinking you are being fired for not being allowed to discrimate against your co-workers. False Christians are a scourge on society but they aren't going anywhere any time soon. So many people are confused...

The blocked straw

I used to write that pretending to be comfortable in public was good enough but I was wrong. Fake it till you make it is a start but without being perfectly comfortable in your own skin our lives will be like drinking through a blocked straw.

Living openly and proudly as a transgender person is the only way.

Let a certain degree of indignation and fatigue of human stupidity be your guide.

Less black and white

This morning Maika texted me happy mother's day. She is a lovely young woman who works at the public market. These little details mean a lot to me especially coming from someone as level-headed and sweet as she is.

Young people give me so much hope because they have been spared the pervasive and unrelenting programming that we received which has made their world far less black and white and hence far more rooted in reality.

Maika took a shine to me and I to her. Our overlaps have added to my lengthening list of positive experiences I have with a GenZ generation that is far more relaxed and far less critical of each other.

I love them to bits.

Getting worse

There are increasingly more people having trouble keeping up with the cost of housing and basic needs. Some of them are ending up in the street or in the Montreal metro system roaming aimlessly. It is happening globally and not just in my city.

The fact that the coffers of the top earners keep getting bigger is a sign that something is deeply wrong with the present formula. Those who can speculate on stock increase their profits because there are fewer companies controlling more of the market every year. Less completion means less choice for the public which means they are at the mercy of whatever price is set.

Housing is much the same and as neighborhoods are gentrified people are slowly priced out of the area by people who purchase buildings, renovate and then hike the rents.

If you leave systems simply to the discretion of charity you are going to find yourself out of luck. If governments do not collect enough revenue from those who are reaping the most benefits something in your formula does not work and you are helping guarantee that life for a significant portion of the population (whose job prospects and hourly pay are not improving) continues to get worse.

We never learn.

Slow burn

You could say that I've been transitioning for years now except that I never viewed it that way. I was trying to find ways to manage gender dysphoria and the progression became organic and natural. My only mission was to do as little as possible to uproot the lives of children already impacted by divorce and not perturb a career that helped to feed and clothe them. In other words, make as few waves as possible.

It has been the most drawn out process of my lifetime and I understand very well when people say that transition is a journey with no definite end point. There is always growth and change which is most remarkable upon looking back to the person we once were. I was one of the hardest persons to convince and because I did not trust my own instincts I plunged head first into the science.

A life long journey to become who we were all along.

Some distance

People are always looking for others similar to themselves. They want to find community so they don't feel alone or strange which is how clubs or associations get started. These generally run against my inherent impetus to go my own way but I can understand why some are drawn to them.

Human behaviour is so varied that finding perfect matches isn't possible. Instead we cluster and shoehorn ourselves into places where sometimes discord will happen and our voices aren't truly heard. But at least we belong somewhere and we settle for that.

The more I have investigated something in my life the more I found reasons to be cautious and keep a certain distance. I want to think for myself which is why I don't like to reflect in terms of communities but about fairness as a whole and how human beings can be more uplifted in general. I don't like feeling like I am cattle and need to accept all doctrine by virtue of association.

I want to feel free to disagree with many finer points expressed by people and keeping a safe distance allows me to at least convince myself that I have kept some level of objectivity.

On the spectrum

Watching "Love on the Spectrum" reminds me how complicated relationships can be. Turns out that autistic people have much the same problems with love that the rest of us do. I laughed and was moved by the awkward interactions, the shyness and silent pauses when both are looking down wondering what to say over dinner.

My son is very high functioning but some of these young people aren't and the angst surrounding their difficulty on communicating melts your heart. I am briefly taken back to my early twenties and somehow not feeling confident about my prospects.

These young people are so lovely and raw with their honesty that you can't help but feel every emotion they experience along with them.

Marcela

Marcela is 53 and a college philosophy professor. We hit it off during the pandemic when we would frequent the same cafe and struck up a friendship. This morning I met her in her neighborhood for a catch up coffee.

It's been interesting to get to know her as our Latin heritage has helped complement the commonalities we share. In a sense I am a kind of older sister and we talk about our respective lives and challenges.

I may still come out to her at some point when the time is right but for now I am enjoying the way our rapport fills a need for both of us. From my end it has helped entrench my identity more firmly and proven to me that who I am was never part of an act.

Two viewpoints

If you watch that livestream I posted with neurologist Robert Sapolsky you will note how anywhere on the chain of events there can be anomalies. At the level of chromosomes, endocrine system, genitalia and brain chemistry any can be influenced to disrupt what we previously thought at a distance was an obvious two way formula of sex.

Transgender and intersex people are created simply because it is possible to disrupt the process even slightly creating ambiguity and mismatch a certain percentage of is expected in anything inherently biological.

This reality plays against two viewpoints. One is to embrace difference as part of the mosaic of humanity while the other assumes that breaking from the binary is either concious choice or mental illness which is the position of criticals and conservatives. The latter is fear based and not steeped in critical thinking for if it were a logical position to take it would imply that all previous stances by conservatives were correct. In which case we should bring back slavery and prevent women from voting.

We seek enlightenment and we progress which is why you will be hard pressed to find conservative intellectuals. Our baseline position should be to grow and learn instead of maintaining an ignorant status quo.

Transgender neurobiology

Dr Robert Sapolsky explains the nuances of sex and gender. Just don't show this to a simple minded conservative who only believes in the perfect binary. Fascinating stuff...

Boundless idiocy

 

Minding our surroundings

Most people are fine and reasonably polite but if you occasionally have the instinct to slap some of them it means you are paying attention and minding your surroundings.

Filtering authenticity

Ideally, authenticity exists in a personal vacuum. It should not need filtering through learned behaviour except we have little choice unless we have skin made of rawhide at a young age when we begin to understand very early that being too authentic has its definite consequences.

To fit in, people suppress authenticity, keep it behind closed doors or perhaps share it only with kindred spirits in settings where it is condoned. They find outlets where they can let their hair down and be more themselves.

In essence to openly embrace authenticity one needs to disregard the societal rules which threaten to dampen it. The less the custom makes sense, the more we are emboldened to disregard it and live as we desire. The risk we take in being shunned is weighed against our interest in pleasing people who know nothing about us and whose opinions don't matter one whit.

It is unfortunate that one learns to live properly well past the halfway point which is the price we pay for acquiring experience.

From the mountain top

Social media has shown us why cults have little trouble with recruiting. One simply needs to see interviews with Trump supporters to see rabid beliefs which simply block out inconvenient reality. Think of any topic and you are certain to find fervor which borders on the fanatical.

Before social media really took off and people were more cautious about exposing their beliefs we might have thought that extreme views were more rare. Those susceptible were just the tip of a deeper iceberg which showed us that we are driven more by deep emotional needs than by logic and critical thought. Belonging to a group that accepts us is far more important than its foundational dogma.

It's easy to make fun of ridiculous ideas but sometimes the consequences for the people who fall for them can be dire. I remember a neighbor of mine saying that her brother had lost his life savings after joining the Scientology cult. He was University educated and came from a middle class family but that did not prevent his descent into a rabbit hole he was hard pressed to exit.

The filter of shame is off now and people are less easily embarrassed to trumpet their beliefs from the mountain tops. Perhaps the likes of Trump made looking foolish just a little more permissible.

Desire

To not desire anything is probably the ideal state. This way there is no gap, no missing element for us to be at peace. We live in the moment and let life present us with surprise.

We suffer less when we eliminate desire for something we think will make us more content. If you've lived long enough you know that the buzz wears off quickly and then the search for the next one begins. We need a distraction to prevent us reflecting on our mortality.

Being more at peace with the self is a prerequisite here because wishing something intrinsic about us were different can become a trap of self-flagellation.

Don't Give Up

 

Guts out

The construction flag lady smiles at me and says "Bonjour Madame". I have passed her before and with my height I know I am a little hard to miss even in sunglasses.

St Catherine Street which is our principal downtown shopping artery looks like a bomb has been dropped on it. It's guts have been dug up and strewn about as Montreal beautifies itself for 2025 which is when she informs me the work is supposed to end.

One of my colleagues is livid about being forced back to the downtown  office I worked in for so long which round trip takes her 3 hours. My former company has mandated that the hybrid model does not work for them despite functioning for our competitors. She is the best construction planner I have ever worked with and they risk losing her.

No doubt that downtown cores will benefit from a return to 5 day commuting except that it is the minority which will enforce it. There is no going back to the nuclear model of work at the center and go home to the burbs.

Everything has changed.

What 8 bucks buys you

Did I ever mention I love backpack purses?

The murky middle

For some people their particular combination of expression and identity becomes a puzzling riddle. When this happens the potential to overshoot or undeshoot a response becomes much greater. On the one hand they can tell themselves they just need expression as a stress safety valve or conversely begin the process of transition after feeling they have left their identity bottled up for far too long.

You will note that cases at both extreme ends of the spectrum tend to be the most decisive. Some are extremely happy with sporadic feminine expression which celebrates a facet of their personality while on the other you have extremely dysphoric individuals certain of their plans who do not waiver in their resolve to transition.

For the rest of us it can be a little murkier and all the more so if we have much lived history in a role which did not entirely suit us. Those of us on the cusp of transsexualism needed to stew in our juices while we pondered the potential fallout of every one of our actions which might move the goal posts even a little.

People who are conflicted are the ones I most want to help through their dilemma which I know will be much shorter by virtue of the subject matter knowledge we have today. Public awareness has helped to shine a spotlight on those with gender dysphoria and how to help them. 

Despite the detractors there are many reasons to think that we may have finally turned the page.

Give it a rest

The right wing and the gender criticals are obsessed with detransitioners but not because they care that much about their welfare. They want mouthpieces to represent archetypes for the transgender ideology madness they want to discredit and these examples will do. While I am the first person to counsel people who don't need to transition to think twice, I recognize that some simply must which is exactly no one else's business.

Elon Musk who is no friend to transgender people lately suggested that JK Rowling briefly put a sock in her obsession which she did by posting one item about her writing and then proceeded to go back on the attack. Imagine your historical legacy becoming hateful obsession instead of about authoring books for young people. You get stuck with blinders on even if public opinion and common sense are against you.

It's much easier than ever for me to recognize the weak points in others that they might even consider strengths. I am especially embarrassed for them when their obsessions abandon all sense of logic and perspective.

Cruelty is the point

In Mississippi recently some white frat boys surrounded a young black woman who was protesting the Israeli conflict and one of them was making gestures and noises pretending to be a monkey. These dumbasses are products of Trumpist parents who watch FOX and maybe get their Christian messaging from a version of cereal box religion where a twisted breed of nationalism takes center stage.

Many people aren't educated and not particularly intelligent but that bothers me less than the baked in cruelty which Trumpism has helped expose. Yes Trump is vile and disgusting by any metric you want to use but he is a symbol and leader to those who want to bathe in hatred and cruelty which is sign of deep rot.

Kristi Noem has no judgment but then neither do the people who screened her book and who thought it was a good idea to celebrate toughness by being cruel. Shooting a puppy and a goat in the head is worthy of some pride for a party drunk on stupidity, ignorance and hate.

Even if Biden does win in November that rot is still there and will need addressing somehow. Maybe generational change is going to help while we understand that the deeply susceptible are always going to be among our ranks.

Cringe

 

Getting our attention

On his best days Tucker Carlson has an expression like a constipated canine. Now imagine for whatever reason that someone stares at you like that.

People look around for different reasons and sometimes we lock eyes with some of them who we can tell are lovely. Others look like they are missing some neurons as well as manners. A response isn't mandatory but showing fear isn't either.

Sometimes people want to get your attention and you know it. My best tactic is to show they aren't worthy of my attention for if they weren't raised properly isn't my problem.

I used to think the worst of people but was often proven wrong and yet that is still no reason to entirely disarm oneself.