Boundary

"Long time no see" she says in French. My back was turned as she was deep in conversation with another security guard at the Palais de Congres convention center where she works the same job. I had not wanted to interrupt but she stops her talk and comes straight to me.

I stop to greet her and she beams with happiness I suspect because she loves her job which she tells me she punches out of at quitting time without fail. She knows I'm retired and that there are 20 years between us and I tell her that sometimes those her age are already having burnouts. The boundary between work and personal time has been blurred.

I have made yet another friend and we feed off each other's energy. I will see her by happenstance maybe once every couple of weeks when our paths cross during my excursions. The regular contact with all of these people I know helps brighten my day.

Maybe she's got it right. Do a job with a clear boundary line and then go home and live your life.

Dealing with an irritant

Dealing with gender dysphoria does not make your life perfect but it helps dispose of (or at least mitigate) an irritant. If you are meant to live this way you will still need to once any novelty wears off and thoughts of going back to a previous life are no longer entertained. This is how you know.

It is why I have always said that being transgender isn't fun and if anything has made my life much more complex than it need have been. It is a reality to be dealt with which can indeed bring joy once things more align. I would be remiss in not admitting that I do enjoy being treated as and seen as a female by society I suspect because it feeds an existential and primordial need dating back to earliest memory.

When we first discover ourselves there can be a type of honeymoon phase to burn off which is particularly pronounced if we have been suppressing or only partly indulging instinct for years. Once that part is over, real life sets in with the same types of problems still there. The only difference is that you feel better and more authentic in your skin in dealing with them.

Little fugue

Still amazed

I don't go a single day without seeing at least one gender variant or transgender person living their lives and those are only the ones I can detect as many if not most early transitioners tend to just blend seamlessly with their target sex.

I am still amazed by this brave new world where no one even bats an eyelash anymore.

Lunch with Nadine was wonderful.

Mistaken

I'm having lunch with Nadine today and decided to wear a jean skirt instead of my usual skinny jeans or leggings. Mornings are still a bit cool but I tend to be more comfortable this time of year than when it's too hot and I melt under the weight of Montreal's renowned humid summers. Thus a bit of wind on bare legs was hardly a problem especially when my disdain for pantyhose is so well-established to the point that they shall never be worn again if I can help it.

Nadine is someone I hesitated coming out to because her Egyptian Christian background had me suspect she might not entirely be receptive to transgender people. Instead she has become almost my biggest cheerleader among a group of women colleagues (between ages 35 and 50) who have embraced me well beyond my expectations. She is an example to not assume based on weak presumptions and to simply go for it without hesitation. If you already respect the person, chances are that they will reward your faith in them with both goodwill and judicious judgement.

At this age what people think is unimportant to me but for those who we have known in a different incarnation for some time there can be a moment of doubt. We imagine their reaction and are, more often than not, proven to be completely mistaken.

Falling short

The past is a provider of lessons. Some things we want to repeat and others avoid and hopefully we have drawn from lived experience such that the key milestones remain in memory without haunting the psyche.

Certainly we all have joy and sorrow scattered throughout and no one comes away unscathed from some degree of existential dread. Some will drown in analysis of lived history while others risk repeating errors due to insufficient introspection and a failure to address blind spots we all have. No matter the approach, we will all suffer from some excess or deficiency because imperfection is naturally baked in to the human condition.

Today I still count on failure but with the knowledge that I am always moving forward making little adjustments which benefit me. I will aim for some target, fall short and take solace in the fact that at least the effort yielded some positives.

Open

As we lower our defenses we can become more open. We relax and want to remain that way such that whatever comes our way is viewed with less panic and increased perspective.

To be open could mean being more vulnerable and in a sense it is but it need not mean abandoning all self-protection. It can mean simply be approaching and being approached with more humility and kindness.

Belinda et moi

Un beau film Francais concernant une femme transgene. Si vous parler la langue c'est mieux mais si non, vous aller comprendre pareil...

Take 2

A kickass homage. From Ukraine with love....

Explanation

It can be very off-putting when people use the excuse that they don't understand something as defense for not accepting it. Their obligation isn't to comprehend it but to take the person at their word.

The sentiment can of course be expressed but it should not be a prerequisite for embracing. We simply accept that this is who the person is.

The problem comes when we ourselves accept that the other person must understand and we proceed to explain something so deeply rooted that no amount of words will suffice. For they will never share it.

How can they comprehend something that you do not entirely yourself.

Cult

 

Energy

There's a young barista working on her law degree who is always happy to see me and I her. There is something about some people's energy that draws us in and we react in kind with our openness. I will go there maybe once every 2 weeks and we will catch up on how each of us is doing.

My filter is mostly gone now with both the positive and negative effrcts of what that means always liable to surface. When a person is so full of positive energy it replenishes my own which has at times been suppressed by the less favorable episodes of lived experience.

There are people like this all over and yet I can attest that they are far from being in the majority which is really a shame.

To the brink

America seems to almost be unraveling itself as it approaches the 2024 election. If the electorate isn't sufficiently scared it should be because over the last eight years in particular right wing extremism has been emboldened to a point where Supreme Court justices openly flaunt their lack of fairness or discretion.

In particular Thomas and Alito show what arrogant elitism can do to a person who does not fear loss of their livelihood. The questioning of John Sauer by Alito and Gorsuch showed to what extent they were keen to find a way to protect rampant criminality by an abuser of the presidency.

Add to that project 2025 and the constant efforts to gerrymander voting districts, you can see voting these people out becomes mandatory lest the country fall into autocracy as addition to its already existing oligarchy.

If Biden wins in November the criminal trials should see completion because failure to do so would only serve as example for others that there are no consequences to such extreme efforts to detail a democracy.

After that the cleanup work must continue.

Indulging

The word indulging is very interesting as it suggests approaching a battery limit of excess but not surpassing it. It feels like we are saying we are pushing the envelope. We can talk about indulging urges such as eating where its excess can lead to obesity and perhaps heart disease, diabetes and high blood pressure.

But what about indulging urges of same-sex attraction or to express gender variance. I remember many years ago reading testaments online of people trying to cure their urges to dress as a woman without specifically stating the consequences. It is as if they were simply assuming it was wrong because they had ingested the messaging they had received from childhood without question.

I like to think that the measure of whether we are indulging includes some concrete and detrimental penalties one has experienced. This way they know they should modify their behaviour when they have exceeded a limit.

Perhaps then, loving a same-sex partner or treating gender dysphoria seriously could be seen as something other than indulging especially when there are no penalties to be found but mostly benefits.

Richard

 

The algebra of wealth

Absolutely correct...

The missing ingredient

I see Roger on the street again and this time he tells me he is becoming a Jehovah's witness to which I smile and say nothing. I accompany it solely with a slight nod.

He has found God he says and I suppose that is what counts. The structure which I find restrictive may be for him precisely what he craves. His knee has given out at only in his mid forties and he is looking for something new to replace his job in the fruit and vegetable store.

I was still finding out who I was in my mid 40's and although I thought I had things figured out with my rigidly calculated structure, it all needed to unfold (marriage and all) so I could be remade.

Life is a mystery and even within its journey the stages are felt when we realize where we are isn't working. There is a missing ingredient which has been left out which begs adding.

We part ways with me genuinely hoping he finds contentment where he is going and if not he will adjust yet again as we are prone to do.

Where AGP went wrong

Ray Blanchard wasn't the least bit interested in motivation. He saw phenomena and went to label it for he was impacted by his own zeal and prejudice to sell the idea of perversion. Whether you had ever been aroused by dressing as or imagining yourself as a woman was the only point worthy of consideration.

The problem is that all the nuance resides within the sphere of motivation for there are people who are (to varying degrees) dysphoric and misaligned between body and mind just as there are those who dress mainly for sexual pleasure. For Blanchard, both were one and the same which was the only way to sell his hypothesis. Introduce doubt and the whole thing risked crumbling which was definitely not allowed if one was trying to sell something even remotely approaching science.

Today no serious clinician still considers AGP to be valid (at least not the ones I know and read) and the disciples who are left are the gender criticals and the keenly motivated haters who gobble it up whole.

Closets

The definition of the word transgender needs to include both expression and identity within it. After all the word is about "transcending gender" which incorporates what the world sees but much more importantly what we see inside ourselves which is what determines motivation.

Therefore what one wears should in theory be a reflection of how one feels and perhaps also wants to convey to the world. Here it can get interesting because masculinity and femininity can be independent of birth sex which is why some women tend to be masculine and some men feminine. Their leanings can be conveyed both through mannerism and way of dressing often in direct contravention of what is expected by society.

The definition of transgender needs to go beyond solely expression because otherwise what we wear effectively becomes a costume we don on occasion (which can indeed be the sole objective of some people). Ultimately we wear clothing which we enjoy, we find comfortable and can also vary depending on the masculine or feminine energy which predominates in the moment.

In the past, society heavily constrained both natal males and females to pretense by giving them very prescriptive rules about how to dress and behave. There were some who flaunted those rules but they existed within a very miniscule minority. Over time that minority has kept growing and what I like is that with each successive generation these people aren't trying to "pass" as anything other than themselves. Some may be gender dysphoric and possibly transition but certainly not all. 

The point is that they are increasingly ditching their fear as society becomes progressively used to them and they no longer need to live inside closets. For I can scarcely think of anything more depressing than hiding from the world and the opinions from strangers that are ostensibly worthless.

We just might be growing up as a society after all. At least on that particular front.

They may just have a point

A 10 year old understands that presidential immunity is ridiculous and yet here we are.

Kangaroo indeed...

Le fil conducteur

What we need and should desire is balance which impacts everything. Every aspect of our lives is related such that a weak link somewhere will affect other areas. For example when we are stressed it affects our sleep which then affects our ability to operate in the world with others.

Finding the weakest link in our lives and dealing with it will have significant positive effects that work like a domino chain. Ignoring that weak link we do at our own peril and what we often do is mask the problem with distractions that avoid rather than address.

As I've aged I have been able to trace the common thread (le fil conducteur as we say in French) for what most impacted me in my life and the ways I found to circumvent rather than attack the issue directly. My dysphoria is the most obvious example but there have been others.

Humans use obfuscation such as overeating, consuming en masse or other ways to avoid staring directly at issues because of fear that their lives will fall like a house of cards when the truth is exactly the opposite.

Dealing directly with issues will invariably yield numerous positive effects which will be felt in all areas of our lives.

Broken dreams

 

Living solo

 

For public consumption

Many people don't follow politics very closely but have made up their minds regardless. They will glance at their favorite channel, digest key talking points and then go back to their lives. It's no wonder Trump has such high poll numbers with the right wing media machine working 24/7 in full image reparation mode.

It's all been a interesting lab experiment because when I was growing up propaganda wasn't as overt as it is today. America did not then have its equivalent of Pravda and politicians at least seemed to be less emboldened to spew venom we have now become immune to. There was more fear of looking stupid and expertise still counted for something.

I am a bit of a political junkie but people who aren't used to be able to count on more balanced and careful journalism instead of crafted narratives meant to bolster their own cause. If there was political leaning at least it was far more carefully wrapped before presenting it for public consumption.

Amalgamation

My version of a female has incorporated everything about me because gender does not dictate what one should want to do. Thus I needed to marry my entire history into one person and Joanna is a fleshed out amalgamation of everything I am and always have been.  She used to be what I had then surmised and hoped was at most an expressive outlet which did not ultimately work.

In retrospect I realize that I was born to have certain instincts and suppressed them to the point that I believed they weren't truly me. Eventually accepting that they were natural and organic simply let them speak for themselves only that it took a very long while for me to buy into it.

Accepting our nature necessitates removing preconceived ideas of what a man or woman are supposed to do. Otherwise we fall into stereotypes which can be tempting. When we live for the occasional outing we want to fit all the femininity we can when we get the chance. Wearing a skirt and heels used to be almost mandatory whereas today it depends on what I am doing.

The work of a transgender person is overwhelmingly mental and the physical trappings which sell our gender presentation to the world become secondary. The more entrenched in identity we become, the more they lose importance.

Ultimately people believe in who we are because we do.

Succinct

I try to be succinct with my thoughts. Brevity allows me to get to the grain and I prefer that my stream of consciousness reflection be a bit fleshed out before. Posts are for me impressions or sketches and not full blown reports.

On another note I think about how we are almost never satisfied where we are at the moment. The human spirit seems to be always unsettled and trying to bridge the gap towards some desired state. Living this way it seems we are always bound to be less than content.

If happiness doesn't exist, what does is resignation regarding some human baseline that we can accept as the best we can do. It appears that the more choice we are given the more we are apt to be dissatisfied. Maybe it is the effect of embarrassment of riches that perturbs. We want more money but when we get it we worry about how to keep it.

We have no solution.

Existential angst

 

Gamble

I now understand very well that transgender people with deeply unresolved gender dysphoria can be a dangerous gamble for a partner. Either they will stew in suppressed frustration for years or suddenly come out and spring a surprise need to transition that their partner may not have seen coming. I am speaking here for those who are gynephilic.

I was such a ticking time bomb but refused to see it.

With the open environment of today, young transgender people can do what they must to resolve their situation early in life and then partner with people who will accept them exactly as they are. If not they can live alone in harmony with themselves.

Role models

I sometimes reflect on the idea of transgender role models which is a wonderful concept in theory but in practice has many warts. The problem is that we represent a cross section of society with the same types of strengths and weaknesses as the general population. Therefore you will find examples of people who aren't your cup of tea and in fact do more harm than good to advance the cause of acceptance. They are typically also the ones who become the low hanging fruit for the gender criticals as conclusive evidence of our depravity.

I am less concerned than I used to be simply because some of the strongest critics of transgender people aren't themselves exemplary citizens and are full of flaws. Their main one being an almost obsessive disdain for something they do not comprehend thus deeply fear.

Since I see weakness among our ranks as well as theirs, I leave the weight of discernment to the hands of those who understand what justice truly means.

Mind readers

One of the most self deprecating types I know is the transgender person. Always worried and concerned about the opinion of others, they will bend themselves into pretzels to make sure that their very existence does not offend anyone else.

Heaven forbid.

It has occurred to me more than once that I came out to my extended family 16 years ago and their embracing has been at best tepid. My mistake was not realizing that people don't understand what your life has been like and expecting them to be mind readers is in general not a very good strategy. Instead one proceeds to live as one should and invite others to join or reject as their perogative would dictate.

We embrace ourselves slowly over time and promote one's own self respect. After all the only person who can comprehend what you are going through is you. The apologetic tone many of us adopt is disappointing but entirely expected since I lived it for the longest time myself. That there are still remnants of it today is testament to the tenacity in finding flaws with our very nature: sometimes to the point of obsession.

Hence we stand up for ourselves because failing to do so could mean waiting a very long time for someone else to do it.

Aside from Jack Molay's Crossdreamers I tend not to comment much on other blogs but I do for those whose authors are suffering most from the angst of not knowing what to do. Plus I'm not interested in fluff but more in the stuff that makes us volatile and therefore devastatingly and deeply human.

Follow Me

 RIP Lyle Mays...

Expanded thinking

You will note that what it means to be a man or a woman has increasingly become malleable. Whereas 100 years ago the manner of dress and behaviour were hermetically controlled, all of that is off the table now. For each natal sex there are numerous examples of people who stretch the boundaries by living openly in challenge of the old restrictive archetypal models.

If we say that a man and a woman are respectively an adult human male and female, when we dig beyond those definitions we are faced with increased nuance. For transphobes (God bless their little hearts) they want to tell you that biology decides everything except even there we see anomalies like androgen insensitivity to name but one example. Therefore if Janet Mock, Duane Johnson and Ru Paul are all examples of men, they have a riddle to solve. It's nice to talk biology but the lived reality of each is what adds subtlety and nuance to the discussion.

Not being clever bunnies, they would like that we revert to 1950's models which aren't going to come back. So they have cornered themselves with simplistic rhetoric which does not address the daily lived experience of each of those individuals.

Critical and expanded thinking are always helpful except they are often blinded by hate and liberally peppered with stupidity. Oh were Mark Twain to be alive today he'd have as much of a field day as in his era if not more.

Here it comes

After the start of the proliferation of the internet in the early 1990's, the next huge inflection point of my lifetime will be the release of AI and how it impacts society. Already it's unveiling is raising eyebrows and unnerving with the speed of its progress. It is likely going to challenge livelihoods and productivity in ways we do not yet know.

Yesterday I went to Haiper and typed in a text description which generated an animated image 4 seconds in duration which I could then download. What surprised me was its quality and how I could keep generating alternatives based on the same theme. YouTube is suddenly now full of GenZ content creators explaining in consumate detail how to doctor and fine tune those animations with other software.

I then recalled my very first clunky desktop work computer. It's floppy disk and amber monitor now worthy of museum exposition, encourages my son who is completing his software engineering studies to gently smirk. The extent of my late 1980's toolkit was a wonder then but little did I know how fast things would change by the time I retired.

Since then it's been nothing short of exponential and my daughter is retraining herself in part because of the uncertainty of the climate.

Let's buckle in shall we?

Kinder and gentler

In order to be kinder and gentler with others we need to first start with ourselves. The overbearing weight of judgment holds us back and we often carry the voices of our parents and society in our heads telling us to measure up.

The problem is often not us but the ingested metrics we bought into. When we fail to measure up we become our worst enemies and then proceed to pass judgment on others as panacea.

Our salvation here is realizing how much of the weight we carry is completely unnecessary and that we can drop it to unburden the psyche. This has been my primary realization over the years.

You look behind the meaning and purpose of much of what we are sold only to find a lack of rationality and most of all empathy.

A little younger

 

Hysteria

 

Louise

Louise and I met for coffee this morning and I was glad to see her. Ever since we met walking on the lakeshore over the pandemic we have found affinity in examining our lives and figuring out what's ahead. She is 64 and reflecting on retirement and so we discuss her options.

She is also a bit listless about the future with her current partner. Both have been married before and they see their arrangement as comfortable but not perfect as real life seldom is.

There is something soothing about seeing her because her phisophical angle on life agrees with my own penchant to delve into crevices on how to improve the self. Our discussions aren't about the lipsticks we choose and more rooted in how to process the world better and yet she is a very tasteful and stylish woman all the same.

She still doesn't know about my gender history (I am brutally honest about everything else) and talks about our societal role as women which pleases and humbles in equal measure. It is a relationship I want to foster and maintain not because it feeds the ego but instead because of its comfortable and relaxed ease.

Who knew

You can probably tell from my writing tone that I still have some frustration to burn off and indeed I do. Living the way I did for years forces you into a level of tension which working and raising kids puts off addressing. Once you retire however, there is no place to run.

I keep calling this process a cleanup which it is but it is more involved than that term would suggest. It includes the release of anger, frustration and disappointment at what the world forces people to do. I don't fear people but instead feel a combination of disgust, pity, empathy or love depending on who I am dealing with. All the while I tend to remnants of psychological impact for having been forced to adapt to fit in at all costs.

I'm getting there with lots of patience and increasing kindness for the self when I falter here and there. Turns out that we are all less than perfect.

Who knew.

Trans debate gets heated

Adam Mockler is an intelligent young man and here he does his best. God love him...

Taking a beating

As I've grown older I have changed my perspective on the world. Where previously I had tended to think that more people were judicious and intelligent, I now see them as a smaller percentage of the population.

Trumpism only confirmed to me how correct my assessment was and how history repeats itself because so many in the masses are gullible to a point I had dared not imagine.

So whereas my cynicism has grown with age I now find solace in whatever oases I can find so my faith can be restored. As for unreachable, I use the Samuel Clemens advice of "never argue with stupid people, for they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience".

2010

I was recently going through my 2010 hand-written journal and was reminded of my progression. Back then I was referring to myself as a "crossdresser" (a simplistic and insipid term I loathe today for reasons I have previously summarized). I was deeply hoping this is all I was since it would have made my life neater and more compartmentalized. I could live in two worlds and be perfectly happy.

I was wrong which is why I always talk about examining motivation very carefully and not use preconceived notions of who we are until we have done our homework on the psyche. Much of the content of that journal sounded immature and naive compared to what I know about myself today. It showed me how we progress slowly but surely in life especially when we are honest with ourselves.

My public writing began in 2012 and even that person no longer exists.

What a surprise.

Suburbia and social contact

 

Game faces

Whether you are transgender or not but especially so, there are two game faces to have available at all times. Depending on the individual, one says bother me and I'll slap you. The other says talk to me I'm a nice person.

I have found that people read both quite well.

Field test

I field tested those flats I recently purchased this morning and having spent the last few hours walking around in them I am so grateful I purchased them. They are somewhere between a casual and a dress ballet flat. If they aren't comfortable they don't last too long in my closet.

So 10 dollars extremely well spent especially for a girl who has enough trouble finding shoes in her size. A real find :)

Untreated

If left completely untreated do I think that gender dysphoria will worsen with age?

Yes. I do.

Kiosk

I see the Jehovah's witness kiosks at the same locations in the metro. They stand there patiently doing their apostolic duty hoping that someone stops and asks for a pamphlet. I don't deliberately avoid eye contact but I don't look their way either because I don't want even a trace of my viewpoint to be conveyed in my expression. For people need things to cling to.

Rigid orthodoxy is one of my pet peeves and yet if it provides comfort I am not one to judge. It cannot be justified rationally but the fervor is there just the same because some people can only subsist on black and white. It does not matter that we do not possess the capacity for full answers within a mysterious and deeply complex existence in which we are but tiny fragments.

Some will very gladly fill in the blanks for us.

Bloody well right!

Look at these kids playing one of my fav bands from my era. Bravo :)

Uniformity

Why do some women not desire to wear women's clothing? Because there is absolutely no genetic predisposition which says that they must. Much of our expression has traditionally been dictated by society and if one views films or photos from the early 20th century we will note the perfect uniformity to the point of welcoming us to parody it. 

Today that uniformity is fractured and a reflection much closer to reality is on display most notably among youth. Motivations are different as are the presentations themselves where both natal males and females push envelopes to arrive at their own comfort levels. Hiding is no longer a necessity and double lives become increasingly a part of ancient history.

Human beings are an extremely varied bunch and while it might seem easy to invite comparison, the reality is that the more deeply one looks under the surface of each individual, the more we are privy to important details of distinction. Expression and identity are mixed in varying proportions and are modified along the journey of life as needed.

The more I have delved into this subject over the years, the more I take note of the subtleties that make each case unique.

The imagined

In order to be nicer it requires we be less defensive. So I am working on that.

Over our lifetimes we develop self-defense mechanisms which can become obstacles to our peace of mind. When our weak spots are hit we realize that we still have work to do on the psyche.

Resentment sometimes builds when we are tempted to compare ourselves to others which is a mistake. Having too much time to reflect can help put connections to things that don't really exist. History is examined and we are certain that a slight was committed where none was intended for people are often innocent and can at worst be accused of being obtuse.

The point is to realize it and correct our thinking.

The burbs

 

Tide turned

I believe the tide has turned. I feel it in my bones as the online commentary and news cements the resolve of most Americans who have had enough of their orange Napoleon. The whining has only intensified of late as his chickens come home to roost and the illegality catches up to him. The wheels of justice move slowly but they don't stop and this first criminal trial contains an overwhelming amount of evidence which amounts to open and shut once the jurors are chosen.

I don't think his tenure was bad for the country for he has helped expose the rot both within society and government. The GOP gambled, went lowest common denominator and lost. From the ashes of that party will hopefully rise a new center-right reinvention focused on policy and fiscal concerns than cultural outrage from people who don't belong in any governmental roles and who proudly bask in their ignorance.

Assurance

I am living a more honest life than I ever have which brings me great comfort. The hardest part has been undoing the messaging I received from the moment I was born which had to be weighed and the unnecessary scrubbed from the memory banks. For what constitutes a good life has little to do with gender except that when yours doesn't quite line up it matters. Many of us know this very early.

For years I used to think I could get by with occasional dressing up but that does not work for us and so the goal post is moved a little at a time. With each movement you begin to feel better as the psychology is adjusted at each plateau. The weight of religion was just the added bonus which complicated my task. 

What brings me assurance today is that I fought as hard as I could against the progression and so there was no fooling myself and, as the internal peace increased, I knew what I was doing was correct.

Good advice

I retired in large part for these reasons plus to escape the pressure of the grind. It's not about money but about time and quality of life...

Doing something about it

Gender dysphoria is our perceived disconnect between birth sex and internal sense of gender identity. Some people don't have it and are able to enjoy expression without its constant discomfort. In fact one sure method I have employed over the years to identify transgender people was by the amount of angst and self-doubt contained in their writing.

That being said we are unique beings and our solutions must necessarily reflect that uniqueness. The only thing that disappoints me today is seeing people who have resigned themselves to doing nothing about pursuing treatment which need not involve hormonal or surgical changes. The point is to assuage the suffering and the pressure of suppression which at its worst can be agonizing hell.

Still, some response is at least something. Whereas doing nothing about it amounts to a self-inflicted wound. For life is a permanent compromise and all-or-nothing is maybe wishful thinking.

Gap

We are here so briefly and yet we chase all the wrong things. I see people distracted by pursuits that don't matter. Power, money, possessions, promotions, notoriety; they are meaningless but we are trying to close a gap of permanent dissatisfaction we cannot seem put our finger on. Hence we fill it with whatever we can find.

Once we have a roof over our head and food in the belly nothing we acquire will increase our life satisfaction. In fact many stress about having too much and how they might lose it all in day if they aren't careful. Our natural state is to find something wrong with our lives even if it needs fabricating.

We also over value our importance to the world when that value is best found in finding community with others at the most intimate and lowest level possible.

What we crave is the purest form of connection.

Adjustments

Human psychology is exceedingly complex. We work on it over a lifetime and constantly need to fine tune its tendencies to conspire against our ability to maintain balance.

At times within the space of the same day we can have ups and downs and be left wondering how it happened. The blinders that we may have developped as self-protection limit our ability to analyze the self.

I am finding that the best strategy involves being kind with the self while the fine adjustments are being made. Rather than fall into the trap of chastisement we want to expect that we will fail to maintain consistency because of our humanity. Our inherent imperfection is a limitation which we must live with.

Here is where lowering our expectations helps us because constant failure is just part of the baseline. The point is to see positive progress over time no matter how small or gradual.

Debating a Trump supporter

Many people don't know why they vote or what they vote for. What else is new...

Magnum PEI

 

Irrational

Fearing people is irrational since many if not most are walking around scared to death themselves.

The mechanics of love

I comprehend the mechanics of romantic love much better at this age. Maybe it's because life experience has brought perspective regarding the distinction between the physical instinct and the more nebulous psychological aspects which give it substance but also plenty of surprises which unbalance and provide sleepless nights.

We have difficulty making the formula work because we are unsettled creatures haunted by experiences which have left their mark. The temptation is to think that the right coupling will cure our loneliness or at least distract us into busy lives which avoid us needing to address our core issues.

The ideal would be to figure things out first and then enter into a union except that this would mean compromising the prime directive to reproduce until it's too late. Thus we enter relationships under the spell of blissful ideals and grapple with real life a little later.

There is no other way.

Baby Reindeer

"Baby Reindeer" is not an easy watch but lead actor and creator Richard Gadd makes sure that we stay glued to our screens. Obsessive behavior in the form of stalking is not a new phenomenon and it is treated here with sensitivity and a touch of black humor. We want to understand what drives it and the woman who embodies that inability to let go.

Trauma is part of every story to some degree and here it is no different. Both Martha and Donny have issues they need to face and in strange ways feed off each other's weakness as odd comfort.

It's a limited series with only seven 30 minute episodes so it won't be taxing viewing if one is short on time and patience. There's even a transgender storyline with actress Nava Mau I wasn't aware of until I began watching.

So do squirm a bit but watch it all the same.

Obsessed much?

 

Everything weighs the same

One of the more unfortunate qualities of humans is their zeal to weigh in on and criticize something they have no experience with. Today's age of social media opens the field up for everyone to add their 2 cents to issues where they have exactly zero relatability. Many will gratuitously lap up the opinions of others because they love to have their prejudices confirmed.

The best decision I ever made was to walk away from social media because its original intent of bringing people together has achieved exactly the opposite. It has become a breeding ground and primary vehicle for division and for belittling those who disagree with you.

My greatest fears about humans have been confirmed during this age where unfounded opinion is equivalent to fact. It does not matter whether you are speaking truth but more how you package your messaging.

Therefore not only do I not want to see photos of people's lunches, I especially don't want to see misinformed pronouncements stated as fact.

Losing my religion

In 1844 Soren Kierkegaard wrote that "anxiety is the dizziness of freedom" referring to humans looking into the void and reflecting on the meaning of their existence and their choices.

As secularism has grown in the West, some people have been feeling more rudderless. In the past, societal structures and religion provided some semblance of security and those who counted on more black and white certainty had less anxiety about where things were going. At the very least they had rules to follow.

Societies have dropped many mandated obstacles regarding race, gender, orientation and other issues which has introduced a level of discomfort that many do not feel safe living with. Small wonder then that false right wing  populism has begun to take on the fervor that religion once did. In the US the evangelical movement has even tied its dogma to political ideology and found meaning in fighting back against changes they find disfavor in.

It will take a prolonged period to remake society especially since the changes were punctuated by a pandemic which brought us to a reflective global pause from which we have yet to fully recover.

Looking inward

Most of our stimuli today comes from outside of ourselves. We are distracted by social media and other sources, all to avoid looking inward. But without that internal journey we will not be able to find out who we are and center ourselves. Never mind what the rest of the world does just define yourself.

Our growth requires stillness and much reflection which can only happen when we find time for quiet. Whether it is taking long walks or mediation in a chosen space, we need introspection time to constantly reset our path.

We don't care what others do. It's what we do that counts.

Calm

Most of my life I have tended to have a nasty temper which I am working on quelling. Part of it may be innate as the DNA of a latin heritage but I am sure years of suppression of identity helped to feed it.

A good test for me is my impatience with entitled stupid people and when the furnace wants to blow I talk to myself and use facial expressions to pass on messaging. It's not easy but I am making progress.

Yesterday I saw my neighbor Patricia on the bus and she was so happy to see me. She calls me Joanne. Well into her seventies her knees are shot but she loves chatting and so do I.

People like her help me to be calm.

Brave new world

Next week I have a lunch with the girls; 3 of my biggest supporters from my old office. All under 50 they are still very much in the thick of things in an engineering business that is going faster than ever.

If you listened to gender criticals you might be tempted to think that all women have a problem with transgender people but my experience runs counter to that. My biggest boosters have in fact been women.

Yesterday a video came up on my feed about the incel to trans pipeline (it was in the title) by someone called Ceicocat who is a young transgender woman. It's about an hour long and it describes in detail the phenomenon of transmaxxing (see the video I posted yesterday). These are young men with no history of dysphoria who transition as form of escape from what they deem to be a less than desirable male existence.

I urge you to seek out the video because it's analysis is sharp and introspective and the creator delves into her own insecurities regarding her motivations for transition. It is these bright and insightful young people who I am so proud to call role models for the brave new world that awaits.

Internal narratives

Writing a narrative about ourselves, whether truthful or not, is what humans do. Something will happen and we will rationalize it with a thought process that can often be self-destructive and defeatist. For it is unavoidable that events escape our analysis.

The problem comes when the storyline around it is always about failure and we tell ourselves that the event was our fault. Rather than look at things objectively we are adept at filling in the blanks with some failing we possess and thus fall into a negative loop.

Being human is always about suffering in some form but we can make it much worse by reinforcing narratives that aren't true. For example, to a great extent I caused much of my own suffering regarding being a transgender person who was never going to be accepted by anyone. Everyone has a self-created narrative about something.

Doing this cannot be helped because life is so full of greys that it is easy to project our own narrative onto occurrences and turn them into much more ominous things than they really are.

Therefore our job is to work on rewriting our internal dialogue into a more realistic one which understands that life is messy and that not everything that happens is because of our weakness.

It's yourself

I now know with great certainty that knowing who you are will beam out of your pores once the issue is settled in our minds. The confidence increases and the self-consciousness dissipates.

There is no further trepidation or need for external validation for you have convinced by far the most important person.

Yourself.

The myth

Among the top ten happiest nations you might note that none espouse conservative ideology. This is telling us something because it shows us that even-handed policies that are collectivist in approach makes the most people content. Yes, there are less ridiculously wealthy people but also far less people wandering the streets homeless. Indeed, northern Europeans do in fact take a different approach.

For its part, America does not do well when one looks at number of people per capita incarcerated or living in poverty. In fact it has the worst metrics among the top industrialized nations in this regard. Therefore extolling picking yourself up by the boot straps may sound good in an advert, but it does nothing to repair a worsening situation for which neoliberal policies are largely to blame.

At its core conservatism is heartless and tells people who have fallen off the ladder to do better all within a system that is already rigged against them. Wealth in the US is largely handed down which is how a hapless and incompetent clown like Trump got his.

Canada is perhaps a gentler version of America because of our safety net which is being tested in its elasticity. But alas in the US, the myth continues to be sold to people with little to no critical thinking skills or knowledge of history to keep them both hopeful and ignorant.

Thinking

Finding motivation during retirement is not obvious. You are not compelled to act therefore it can be easier to let things slide. There aren't specific goals unless you create them yourself.

It is an interesting adjustment to be sure and the biggest challenge is slowing down the system to accept a less frantic and distracted pace as a new baseline. We also have nowhere to hide and whatever lingered in the psyche now demands that we examine it much more closely.

You cannot avoid or escape the increased time to think nor should you want to.

Illuminator

I am not a conservative and yet David Brooks makes a passionate plea here for understanding each other in a world that has become increasingly colder and less human in this era of social media. It's  worth your time...

Transmaxxing?

How we convey identity

Gender used to have a stronger association with role than it does today. In other words, men and women had more restrictive roles within society which fed into the notion of identity. So presentation signaled identity but your role was also a major factor placing you within a societal category.

Today roles have been very much blurred which means we are left with expression and self-identification as the main pillars. For example, a very male presenting lesbian could be read as a transgender man, as a non-binary person but she might simply identify herself as a masculine woman. The public cannot readily tell unless she states it openly.

There have been more extreme examples where someone who confuses the public with their presentation expects that they will be recognized for who they feel they are but perhaps fails. What then is the onus on society to do a mea culpa for not being more sensitive and acknowledging identity.

Of course now we enter the slippery slope of what we used to call "passing". Here there are two schools of thought where one says I don't need to blend in but simply be accepted while the other wants to blend in and be left alone. There is no denying that one important aspect of gender is performance which people tend to expect.

I think what it boils down to is your internal sense of identity being balanced against your presentation to the world. The messaging you want to convey will be read differently by people depending on their cultural ideas and biases they have ingested.

The ideal world is one where no one hides or feels the need to fit in because they have developed a strong sense of self. However the reality is that no one is so secure that they are completely immune to being singled out and mocked.

Anti-trans ideology and freedom

Judith Butler (trans-inclusionary feminist) gives her views on the right-wing's current obsession with sex and gender most especially in the UK....

Skeptical

I am going to go out on a limb here and possibly be wrong and so you can just call it a hunch.

Young Finnster is an online personality who has recently started HRT. Years ago he began to cosplay online and increasingly received attention and money as his audience grew. He has always called himself a femboy and seemed to have begun his gender bending largely as a lark.

You see, when there is no previous history of dysphoria I am always a little skeptical because transition is not a game. So my hunch is that this may turn out to be something which is started and possibly later regretted. The consequences may not be more grave than later stopping and possibly removing breast tissue growth.

Here I think of the recent example Ray Williams (formerly Rachel) who is ostensibly calling the cause of his 8 year transition a fetish. Of course only he knows this for certain, but my spider senses always tingle when I see someone embark on something that makes one doubt necessity. Finn is also dating a young transgender woman and perhaps this is another layer of influence which pushed him in that direction.

Gender dysphoria isn't a sport and not something one asks for and so embarking on a transition without it leaves me a little doubtful. What used to be something one undertook with great care and trepidation has seen much stigma be removed over the decades. 

I suppose time will tell but for now just call me skeptical. No matter what he decides however, there is nothing but goodwill coming from yours truly.

Nailed

I hate getting nailed for coffee and it can even be somewhat good but if you are taking advantage  of people I won't come back. I don't care if you are sitting at the edge of old Montreal. It's even more galling when a place with a much higher quality and nestled in the old city is much better and cheaper. It just happened to be full today.

I won't say how much I paid for my coffee because I am so embarrassed. It's even worse when the machine asks you for a tip which is the new normal.

It's been officially crossed off my list.

Commodity

I live in a walkable neighborhood which was settled largely during the mid 19th century by Irish immigrants. This is an area that mixes the residential and commercial and where access to bus and metro discourages car ownership. It is why I gave up mine as it was 95% of the time sitting there parked.

Today these neighborhoods are illegal to build in Canada and, as urban sprawl and car culture began to take over in the 1950's, the extremities of Montreal Island began to resemble every other North American bedroom community where one had to use their car to go and buy milk.

Housing slowly became a commodity and people speculated and made money playing with real estate. We saw it as an extension of our wealth portfolio and with each successive move we topped up our net worth.

Today there is a crisis (in part artificial) which sees people struggle to find and keep affordable housing. We are no longer talking about speculation but rather about keeping mortgages and rents below 50% of income. We are beginning to talk in terms of housing as a basic human right rather than as a commodity to be played with.

As more people fall off the grid it might be time to act before things get steadily worse.

Uncertain

The woman holds her well-covered baby inside a front carrying harness. She looked so young standing there at the bus stop and we exchanged looks and brief smiles before boarding.

I was sitting close enough to offer that I thought it was a practical choice for moving about with what I assessed was a newborn but my French went nowhere and her expression let me know it. I then realized she was Latina and repeated my comment in Spanish.

Here in Canada for only a year seeking immigrant status with her husband,  they are both from Mexico and working at menial jobs. At only 21 years of age she has a child and is uncertain about whether they will be allowed to stay or whether they even want to. She tells me she misses home even as she admits that their lives here would be safer and more stable. She says there is too much cartel activity there plus the police is corrupt.

She was so lovely and polite and as we spoke it struck me once again how the world is so in flux that young people with little life preparation are making life decisions they should not need to. She is younger than both my children and yet saddled with more responsibility.

She is renting a room for now not far from where I live and as she gets up to get off the bus I wish her the best and hope we will meet again.

Eclipse

Almost blackout in Montreal at 3 30 pm!

Chasing happy

Like the philosopher Slavoj Zizek says, humans are not meant to be happy. We are instead meant to be motivated from which some level of contentment is derived. Therefore chasing happiness is a futile pursuit because it is an elusive concept better suited to Hallmark cards than reality.

We have all wondered whether stopping ourselves from overthinking would make us happy but then that might remove a portion of our free will (with all due respect to neurologist Robert Sapolsky).

It seems to me that part of the formula is to reduce expectations and find joy in the little things. A good meal with a friend is sometimes all it takes to realign the spirits. Human connection plus maintaining a sense of wonder can both go a long way. The buzz in buying something new lasts maybe 5 minutes.

We chase nothing.

Thankful feet

I left the house this morning wearing my comfort pumps. The mornings are still a but chilly but then it warms quickly. All traces of snow are gone.

These I can walk in because they have flex to them plus are low heel. Basically they are like flight attendant or waitress heels which you can wear for hours at a time. My feet continue to thank me to this day. I like being a stylish woman to be sure but please spare me the pain

On another note, solar eclipse for us is around 3 20 pm.

Emotional investment

People like Blaire White and JK Rowling are both obsessive and can't seem to let things go. One is selling herself as the "good trans" while the other compulsively writes about sex based rights which, for her, seems to necessitate clamoring about the dangers of accepting transgender ideology.

White is a conservative who desperately wants to be loved by the types of people who would normally hate her and has fashioned a whole industry out of berating people who she decides aren't the real McCoy. For her part, Rowling's abuse at the hands of some men has turned her into a rabid fighter for defending women against what she calls "men pretending to be women". Both are broken records. Rowling also has some company within the ranks of the gender critical movement.

The problem is that we are always talking about 1% of the population which shows how badly perspective has been lost. But when you have an agenda so fuelled with personal investment you can lose focus completely. The main drivers of love and fear work their magic and lead to an excess of emotion and wipe out all logic, common sense and even empathy. Simply put, a perceived lack of love and an increase of fear fuel insecurity which in turn feed aggression.

Most people I know are reasonable, level-headed and could not care less. If anything they go out of their way to be supportive for they have no emotional stake in the issue.

It is always the tipoff.

Brown

 

How we suffer less...

...We lower our expectations.

It is we

My wardrobe has gotten smaller over the years and I now stick to a few quality things I can mix and match. So while I will still go to thrift stores most of the time I walk away empty handed. There is no point in buying something you aren't going to regularly wear. I've learned that lesson all too well.

Accessories like scarves, bracelets, earrings, nail color, etc are what I employ to change things up. Also the combination of comfort and style is a must if you are going to spend many hours out and about doing things.

This is by no means perfect science and not only do you develop a harmony with yourself over time but your taste also morphs with it. At the end of that process I seem to have fallen somewhere within an average of what many women over 40 wear which suits me just fine. Today I picked up a spring/summer subtle print skirt for only $6.

All that being said, the clothes do not make us. It is we who make the clothes which is overwhelmingly an issue of mindset.

We can run...

The other day I watched a video on the life of Rita Hayworth. Beautiful and talented, she had been abused and bullied by her father during childhood which had left deep scars. Numerous marriages, including one to Orson Wells, could not soothe her search for love she had not received when it was most needed and crucial.

We need to look inward and examine our past almost forensically and process the lessons resolving to repair the psyche. Certainly we can talk things through with therapists if we like but ultimately I think that we are in charge of our own repair.

The world can sometimes be a cruel place and so a protective layer must be built while at the same time addressing any inner conflicts which may have been left unresolved. Being busy will mask them for a time but eventually they will ask to be faced when we least want or expect.

And so recently I received an email from my ex's brother stating that he had to shut himself off from everyone and repair damage done during childhood which had included stints in foster care. I responded that the pandemic had served me well in that regard and that he should do what he needs while not isolating himself from people entirely. I suggested he find new contacts during his search to redefine himself and then return wholly fortified. He will be 58 soon and his past had finally come calling with urgency.

For we can run but we cannot hide.

Against the current

Introspective blogs fascinate me the most. 

People with major life issues (whether gender or other) need to work on them over a lifetime. As we age we fine tune our perspective on what it means to be different and how to live within a society full of the fearful. The thought processes they go through mirror my own though sometimes at a different stage.

I know I can come off as blunt but that is because I eventually tired of apologetic and submissive tonality regarding belonging to a minority. When I read some people's narratives that I relate to I want to help them and in so doing help myself to be more charitable by recalling how hard it is to be human sometimes.

There have been more times than I can count when I wished I had not been born different and yet today I wouldn't have it any other way. For working against the current is perhaps the best way to develop resolve which helps us in all facets of life.

Like a house of cards

Homelessness is getting worse everywhere. It certainly in my city and it is even worse in major US cities. As the fabric of society breaks down we are seeing the results of financial and cultural problems which will take many years to solve.

The old capitalist model isn't working because if it were there wouldn't be an increasing amount of wealth held in fewer pockets. You can criticize socialism all you want but the happiest countries being the most fair handed isn't an accident. Nordic European nations aren't perfect but their balancing act is seeing far less wage disparity and less miserable citizenry.

The economic problems are helping to feed the mental health issues we face. The more people lose their livelihoods the more despondent they become. By getting rid of much blue collar work, North America has seen an increase in financial woes for many people while a small minority has reaped the benefits of outsourcing.

The core problem we have is that societies don't function when significant percentages of the population fall into despair and,  while some seem content to live in bubbles, this is all going to come down like a house of cards eventually.