Thursday, October 31, 2024
Be confident
Without being transgender, shyness is a regrettable affliction which plagued much of my early life. It was only made worse with a secret.
Today you so much as give me an odd stare and you will learn how much that has evaporated.
Be confident.
It must be lived
I talk to GenZ all the time and they are stressed out. They look younger than their age because of the lack of physical toil that their ancestors lived with. However, the mental anguish they experience is much worse. Even a recent chat with a colleague who is 40 revealed that he needs therapy for his stress as he juggles work and family demands.
I was recently talking with a barista my daughter's age who told me "people are less happy today with social media and the hectic pace we lead" and I couldn't help but think "from the mouth of babes".
I told her to get off everything and live life on her terms ignoring all opinion around her. She was so happy to have chatted with me and I confidently could say the same. She was so sweet.
If only I could transfer what I know now to them but life must be lived.
Innate
If there were no biology involved in gender identity, David Reimer would not have reverted to living as male when given the news as a teen of his reassignment after his botched circumcision. John Money would have been proven correct that gender is a social construct; something which TERFS espouse as doctrine. If they allow for the possibility that transgender people are not deluded, it destroys their dogma that men and women have no differences other than physical ones.
As it turns out, Money was indeed wrong.
Of course every process on this planet is nuanced and even if feminine natures are largely found in females and masculine ones in males, it does not mean it is exclusively so. Within the sexes there is a spectrum of masculine and feminine such that the more one examines in detail, the more fragmented the socially imposed binary appears.
Of course agendas are everywhere which is why nuance is glossed over since it is often highly inconvenient; certainly thick-skulled conservatives who worship black and white have problems with it. Even within what today is termed the "trans community" there are motivations, behaviors and identities which vary by virtue of the size of the large tent created thereby watering down the efficacy of the descriptor. It's one of the reasons I pay less attention to nameplates as they don't tell me enough.
That there are brain differences in people which affect self perception should be unquestioned and we can argue for innate inclinations at the same time as not using them to discriminate against anyone.
Wednesday, October 30, 2024
How it starts
When asked how fascism starts, Bertrand Russell once said "First they fascinate the fools. Then they muzzle the intelligent"
One day at a time
My daily experiences living authentically in society have left a deep impact on me. It has been extremely rewarding to slowly let down my guard over the years to become myself. At first there were many tenuous and meticulously planned outings in youth where you test your mettle but, as you learn to make use of childhood instincts you were compelled to abandon, you realize that you were made for this all along.
This certainly hasn't gotten rid of any other issues in my life but it has provided balance and contentment at a level I had not expected. I stopped questioning why I was made this way and entered slowly into a new life as one tentatively enters a hot bath. You are hesitant at first but slowly acclimatize and feast in the comfort it brings you. I can think more clearly because of it.
The best feature has been the slow abandonment of a self-conciousness which plagues many if not most of us to varying degrees. You don't look around to see who is looking because it doesn't matter how you are being perceived. They do not matter because your life isn't their business.
This week I will be 62 and I realize that there is nothing left to repair other than take life one day at a time and be as kind to others as possible.
The bigger the lie
By the time my life is done I will have been privy to a historical arc that has touched upon the same things which have always existed. I will have been exposed to the same ignorance, stupidity, greed, goodness and altruism that have always formed part of the human experience.
The Trumpism storyline reminds me of what happened during Hitler's ascension into power. "He can't possibly be that bad" people said as he kept pushing the envelope. In Mein Kampf Hitler wrote that is was easier for people to digest big deceptions than little ones and he was absolutely right. I have seen it with my own eyes having seen beliefs from people that when I was younger would have left me dumbfounded at the sheer stupidity.
The thing that many don't understand is that some people aren't mortified when we say that Trump has fascist leanings. Instead they are drawn in by it because the savior and the sheep mentality forms part of their desired schema.
Tuesday, October 29, 2024
Secret plan
Trump is a detestable imbecile so when he talked in a cavalier way about a "secret plan" during his MSG hate rally, many understood what he meant. He wants Mike Johnson to interfere (should the GOP keep congress) and try for another attempt at a steal. If the election appears close enough to be contested, the plan would be to have a contingent election leaving up to the states. There are more red states than blue ones.
Trump may be an idiot but is an evil one and he has plenty of evil lackeys up to the challenge of pulling illegal stunts.
But should the Dems win the house the plan is foiled and if there is any justice he will eventually pay for crimes in 2025 after Harris wins the election.
Fingers crossed and anyone who believes history does not repeat itself has by now had a wakeup call. No matter who wins it will be ugly for a while but a lot uglier if the idiot does.
Ineptitude
It's clear as day what happened to me. I learned to protect myself but overdid it and am working it back. It is why I am calmer than I've ever been. I have holstered my defense mechanisms.
When you become a machine you are more easily irritated by ineptitude and slowness because you don't forgive that in yourself. You also get irritated by people you deem to be just playing dress up and didn't suffer sufficiently which is precisely none of my business.
I'm much better now.
Wholeness
When I say that the journey of transgender people is 95% psychology I am not remotely exaggerating. In my life the vast majority of my effort was focused there.
Recently, I watched a video by a gender therapist discussing transition goals where the message included imagining what your desired end result was. She gave out a typical list which many aim for but I would argue that comfort in one's own skin before anything is done is crucially important. This is 100% psychology.
I remember overplaying and dramatizing things that today I can laugh at. Walking around the block at 14, making purchases in a store in my early 20's, walking down a busy street or (perish the thought) riding the metro during rush hour were things which played in the mind to the point of obsession. It isn't until you fully realize the extent of our self-sabotage that you begin to focus much more on the paralysis than on what you wear which is largely irrelevant.
Transition, whatever that means for you, is primarily about achieving wholeness as a person. Transitioning into wholeness if you will.
It is psychology which answers the very fundamental question "who are you?"
Monday, October 28, 2024
"Just rub your lips this way"
"Just rub your lips this way" said the young tallish transgender woman working at the Bay cosmetics counter and advising on the application of lip product. Maybe all of 30, her voice was forceful and clearly in the male register although by no means a baritone. Still, she looked terrific and confident as can be. Our eyes met for an instant as I walked by and signaled nothing with my expression.
The short older lady she was helping may have been obtuse but this young woman clearly wouldn't have cared either way.
It's what I love to see.
Relating
The archetypal Harris voter is a college educated urban female while the equivalent for Trump is a non-college educated white rural male. In other words, the parties are split mostly by social class and to a lesser degree by gender.
Whereas in the past the Democrats were like to capture union blue collar workers those have increasingly gone to the GOP with culture war scare tactics as bait and it's working. Even some Latino and black men have moved towards Trump and held their nose in the process to avoid the stench of his caustic presence.
Those of us who don't get it cannot entirely relate but if we were sufficiently fearful about our future prospects and were low information enough, we just might.
Not a bug but a feature
When something occurs with high predictability and consistency it is not a bug but a feature. In other words, 100 years for now I can predict with great certainty that a segment of the population will be some shade of gender variant. The only thing I cannot predict will be society's reaction and embracing at that time period.
Judeo-Christian orthodoxy was always restrictive. Not only was intercourse before marriage prohibited, but any divergence in sexual orientation or gender behaviour outside the norm was seen as a sin. Never mind that it had always existed, they just didn't form part of a "normal" that had been decided upon by concensus of the ruling class and the clergy for millenia. Any natural divergences among the population were kept strictly hidden.
It wasn't until the 1960's that questioning and rebelling began in earnest about full liberation of all people who did not fit within the restrictive rules. Stonewall happened as well as a woman's liberation movement which became particularly fervent and militant.
Fast forward to the 1980's and the beginnings of a pushback started to happen. The moral majority and other groups tried to put things back in the bottle. Not coincidentally, caustic theories about gender variance as mental illness began to sprout which had been wholly absent in the time of Harry Benjamin when scientific curiosity was more what drove things. A repressed European eastern block mentality brought Kurt Freund's ideas to the CAMH in Toronto where they were adopted by Ray Blanchard. They were meant to shame and stigmatize people looking to transition rather than help them.
Unfortunately and much to our chagrin, what are also permanent features and not bugs are human stupidity, fear and hatred which is why we keep repeating history's mistakes.
Sunday, October 27, 2024
Ibelin
Mats Steen lived with a degenerative disease which ultimately took his life but also roamed free inside the World of Warcraft as the character he called Ibelin. There he could make friends, fall in love and impact the lives of others in ways he wasn't able to realize until just before his passing.
He only made it to age 25 but over the course of his 10 years in this virtual world he was able to touch many lives as the documentary "The Remarkable Life of Ibelin" chronicles.
Highly recommended and on Netflix.
Stealth
It's much easier to understand binary (or classic) transsexuals when you look at how bad things were in the past. If you had your mind set on transition, stealth was the best way to go and becoming a woman was part of that formula. There were no non-binary identities 20 years ago and more; at least not in the public sphere.
I don't call myself a woman even if my social transition pragmatically gets me perceived that way. It does not matter as long as my authenticity helps dampen my gender dysphoria, but those with levels worse than mine, may have opted to go further with the embracing of womanhood as part of the necessary title with their daily lived experience in many facets effectively mirroring a genetic woman's; disadvantages and all.
Many young transitioners don't feel that stealth is a necessary component of their plans and, some who once did, came out later once the social temperature was deemed acceptable to advance a cause greater than themselves. Here I think of Teddy Quinlivan and Geena Rocero as examples where the public had no idea of their gender history.
Not to mention that today, stealth is almost impossible in this instant information age.
Tupper street
Tupper street is an enclave made up of 19th century brick row houses located right downtown. These were for the lower aristocratic Montrealers who had some wealth but not enough to live in Westmount or Outremont. How beautiful and how expensive they are today...
Escaping comfort
I talked to my son yesterday about the anxiety related to his autism and in the process used analogies from my own life. He needs and is undergoing exposure therapy where you push yourself out of your comfort zone. I had to do the same over my life to learn to live as a transgender person in the world and used that analogy which helped him understand that ultimately we are our own best guide.
We all need to leave the safety of the nest which for me included escaping from the bubble that the gender variant community can create for itself inadvertently encouraging a kind of feedback loop. Yes, it is an aid and inspiration for people who feel stuck but it can also entrap and leave us wishing we could do more.
Becoming ourselves means escaping cliques and forging our own path. We don't abandon others but we keep a safe distance so as not to fall back on old patterns. We resolve to always move forward towards a new plateau of enlightenment which celebrates our uniqueness.
The biggest realization over the last decade was to understand that no one was going to help me better than myself to move beyond any remaining self-imposed mental barriers. Yes, it involved discomfort but ultimately it paid huge dividends in the well-being department regarding being transgender.
Saturday, October 26, 2024
People might ask...
Why do you care so much about this topic still? Because I suffered immensely over it and want to spare others the confusion of figuring out what to do as well as what not.
But primarily because I value justice for all.
"I'm hungry"
"I'm really hungry I need to eat!" He knows me and I know him from my frequent travels. There are more and more every day. Last time we saw each other I bought him a sport drink but this time I said next time.
It's difficult to see where we are now compared to when I started my working life in the late 1980's. We have dropped to a low point which is helping to feed rage, resentment and despair. It is also feeding political right-leaning movements which purport to have all the answers.
The EU parliament recently chastised Victor Orban for running an authoritarian style regime which Western Europe rightfully finds extremely distasteful. It is the same playbook the Trump GOP proposes to espouse should they gain power in a few days.
Short sightedness got us here and it will take a considerable time to get us out.
Happy no mattter what
When you don't question or suffer an incongruence of core identity but seek expanded expression, there has never been a better time for it. Youth are out there everyday pushing the envelope of conformity such that few people even bother batting an eyelash.
Women have had more latitude and beginning in the 1960's pushed against convention by first wearing pants then suits and then ties. By the early 1980's the Diane Keaton boyish look was not only normal but fashionably chic.
The double standard was regrettable because today many older genetic males who grew up constrained to closets, are still afraid to step out of them and not always but mostly unjustifiably. Now that the entire breadth of expression and identity are exposed to the public we risk being confused for an iteration of one another which isn't bad or good but gives many people pause as to how they will be perceived.
Not too long ago I rode in the same metro car with a young transgender woman sitting not far from someone who many would not have had trouble calling a "crossdresser". Both seemed sufficiently non-chalant although I suspect few would have detected the young woman's origins and if they had she likely wouldn't have cared given her young age. The confidence was palpable and probably justifiable given how well she carried herself.
I like to make those distinctions because once we understand where we are we can more readily know what an adequate response should be to our situation. In all cases it should ideally imply confidence, comfort and happiness with who we are.
Trust yourself.
We keep working
Impostor syndrome is so common among transgender people as to almost be universal. At some points you are going to feel like a fraud and it can often increase in intensity the further along you are on your path.
The term "passing" is regretable but is related to the concept of being an impostor. You aren't trying to be someone else and yet worry about being detected which can bring up feelings of insecurity that you don't measure up. I don't think it ever fully goes away because we are human and prone to moments of fragility.
Having been raised differently than your target gender will tend to raise the specter that you aren't really authentic which is only bolstered by people in the world who are all too eager to add fuel to the fire with their transphobia.
I still fall into these little traps occasionally particularly during this adjustment period where I am settling into a new life as a retired transgender person. It doesn't matter how well you blend in because this about your own psychology. It's not about what others see but instead how, during certain times, you feel about yourself.
All around It's been getting better for me as time goes on but we all have our moments and so we keep working at it.
Friday, October 25, 2024
The price of terminology
From looking at the Benjamin scale the tipping point of his patients for the questioning of birth sex was after his Type II. Beginning at type III his patients ruminated over what to do about their feelings with increasing frequency and seriousness. Types I and II seemed fine with expression with only the frequency varying between each. What they suffered primarily from at that time was shame and guilt and not necessarily a core identity disconnect.
In that sense I don't see a hard stop between what was then referred to as tranvestism and transsexualism (the signs of which began according to Benjamin at his Type IV). We could then say with some confidence that we were always looking at a gender dysphoria intensity scale from almost none on one end to the very intense variety on the other. The hard dividing line was really about who in Benjamin's time would transition versus who wouldn't as the half measures of today were much more rare.
I sometimes see comments like this:
"Don't ever tell people that you are a crossdresser but instead transgender" which deals with the baggage of terminology increasingly falling out of favor. In the end both of those terms have been exceedingly elastic the whole time because the lives lived underneath each aren't all the same.
Such is the price of generic terms being used to capture a large and diverse group.
On repeat
Hate and division works best when the population is scared which regretably doesn't take much to accomplish. They will then welcome strawmen to attack while you surreptitiously rob them blind when they aren't looking. It's no secret that Trump admires Hitler as he possesses the same type of instincts as the equally narcissistic former German Fuhrer. An important difference however is that Hitler was considerably more cunning and astute than the hapless simpleton that is Trump.
After general Kelly called him a fascist, Trump said he would like to have the kind of generals Hitler did while conveniently omitting or forgetting that some tried to have him assassinated because they knew he was a dangerous lunatic.
There are other parallels of course such as using minorities as pin cushions for what ails the country. In Germany it was the Jewsish people and anyone who didn't fit the ideals of the Ayrian race including homosexuals or anyone else they deemed to be a deviant. Small wonder that Magnus Hirschfeld's library was torched along with his books.
Plus ca change....
Disregarding all sides
The more I detached myself from all communal thinking the better I felt. I understood that all terminologies were somehow wrong, inadequate or laden with historical baggage and proceeded to go down to the roots of the phenomenon which was my gender dysphoria and the attention it merited.
On one hand, societies places completely unrealistic expectations and restrictions based on birth sex (or at least they used to) and on the other some of the responses to these shackles from gender variant people made little sense to me and could not serve as adequate models. In many cases there was too much contradiction involved in trying to please the world while trying to embrace some form of authenticity. You cannot be all things to all people without getting lost somehow and risks are sometimes worthwhile while standing up for yourself. Keeping my self respect was of paramount importance.
A reinvention of the self based on rational thinking was in order which involved completely disregarding opinion from all circles. Once I had analyzed my childhood and absorbed the crux of whatever science existed, I had to find a new baseline which embraced my nature and incorporated it into daily existence with the maturity that someone past middle age required.
You finally become fully yourself and you don't care who doesn't like it.
Thursday, October 24, 2024
Gotcha
Gotcha moments are what people love online but they are just bluster as most issues are deeply complex and layered such that a quick retort produces nothing other than grand standing.
If you've ever read the comments section of a YouTube video you might become depressed and despair about the state of human affairs. People's opinions are usually much more boisterous than the knowledge behind them warrants but this is the age of social media where you will find a friendly ear for any position one takes.
True debate isn't to squash your opponent but should be about hammering out solutions that often leave all parties only partly satisfied. Such is the nature of compromise where we take small victories knowing that there are people out there who think accepted science is hoax and will fight you tooth and nail.
The Israel Palestine conflict is one of those that is full of nuance despite the obvious death of 40,000 people most of whom were innocent victims of war. You would have to go back to 1948 and Israel's inception and even then not address all of the history properly.
No, nuance is too complicated when you are looking for a simple gotcha.
Why they are disciples
I couldn't find the meme but I freeze framed it on a video I saw and wrote down the text which made perfect sense to me:
"Trump supporters don't measure his success by what he does for them, they measure his success by what he does against people they don't like. That's why they see him as being "sucessful" and why they will never abandon him. His tormenting of the "others" sustains them.
Nail completely on the head.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits" - Einstein
T-shirt and jeans
A comment was made by a woman on a video dealing with transgender issues which went something like this:
"I don't need to wear dresses and makeup to confirm or know that I am a woman so I don't understand this whole transgender thing"
The response came from another woman married to someone transgender
"Well how do you know you are a woman? My spouse lives in T-shirts and jeans and she knows who she is as well and it has nothing to do with clothing"
It made me think once again about the variability among people regarding how they present which is not necessarily tied to how they feel internally. There is a wide spectrum.
Contrarian
I don't want to be a contrarian but instead someone who questions orthodoxy especially if it has plenty of holes in it.
Over the years I have revised my thinking most dramatically on the issues of organized religion and the transgender question. Both required that I delve deeply since they had affected such a huge chunk of my life. They were omnipresent.
To form my own views required that I look under the hood and examine the mythology surrounding them. Everything humans touch is wrapped in half truths meant to assuage our sensibilities because all of us at our core are insecure creatures who require affirmation. Besides, group think without sufficient backing always makes me suspicious.
But you already know that I don't write to please. I mostly write to explore.
Ties that bind
In the era of my parents and certainly before, marriages were ostensibly contracts. There was social stigma surrounding their dissolution which was made even more difficult by the binding of economics and children. Thinking about leaving could be entertained only as a concept.
Today we don't have the same ideas about what those relationships are supposed to mean other than they have been endowed by some with a mysticism that a partner should be perfectly suited for us. That this is impossible becomes more evident as we live the experience.
On paper the best formula is two people who don't need each other but have decided that giving of themselves will bring life added meaning. They are open to companionship but not one with the intent of filling their deficiencies and are able to laugh at life's absurdities with perspective. They understand that there will be ups and downs but concede that the effort is nonetheless worthwhile.
I think I knew that going in but I just needed to live a while to be able to confirm it. Sometimes we find that formula and sometimes we don't.
That's life.
Wednesday, October 23, 2024
Man and woman
The terms male and female are about biology and even that contains anomalies with regards to intersex conditions. However "man" and "woman" contain social connotations within them regarding roles. In other words, they are weighted down with expectation and if someone wants to take them on then more power to them.
The argumentation that transitioners are facsimiles relies on biology which has little to do with social roles. After all, who is going to inspect genitalia? here conservatives love to rely on arguments that at their core are monumentally stupid because hate blinds their ability to be logical. Plus someone with the conviction to carry out a well planned and thought out medical transition isn't pretending. If they are of right mind they are dead serious.
I would ask gender variant people of all stripes what their willingness would be to permanently take on all connotations of manhood or womanhood in opposition to their birth sex even as we know the social norms around them keep changing.
How invested are you in birth sex with both its societal privileges and disadvantages?
Framework
Many older transgender people tended to create very elaborate framing to be able to live in society since, in most cases, we had little choice. We may have known since very young, as I did, that we were somehow different but needed formulas to succeed in suppressing instinct as method of survival. Now that I live openly socially as myself, I realize to what extent that elaborate framework takes time to dismantle since it is far more intricate than one first imagines it to be. It took many years to construct so why expect anything different.
When I was obliged to live part time you don't see the full picture because other facets of your life keep you preoccupied and distracted. You don't attempt to dismantle anything fully you still need not realizing the effort truly required to cleanse the palette well into your fifties which was when this final phase began in earnest.
The physical aspects have nothing to do with it since I had that part down to an art form a long while back. It was instead the remaining bits of psychology which needed tending to when all the distractions fall away. The full extent finally sinks in that this had been far more involved than simply dressing up in childhood.
Sound bite
When people are scared they are more susceptible to believing in despots which is the only reason this election is close. It has historically worked in the past and will work in the future. I deeply wish people were more intelligent, more analytical and less prone to quack theories but that isn't going to ever change.
Plenty of Americans are scared and they have every right to be. The stupidest man to ever hold the office of the presidency may do so again and this time backed up by an even more rabid cabal of lunatics.
I was talking to a friend the other day about how we got here which actually began in the 1990's with ideas on globalization which enriched the top earners even more and left many blue collar workers in the US and other parts of the industrialized world without a livelihood. Yes, the economy has morphed but along with it what remained of the middle class is gone and along with it much of their disposable income. These people are angry and need someone to blame and messaging about the deep state from Trump in 2016 helped secure him the election.
Today, still under the effects of a global pandemic which rocked the world's economies, people are unhappy with the instability and blaming immigration at the border for their woes makes many listen. The problems may be more complex and multi-layered but it doesn't matter to those who need a bit of hope and a sound bite even if it comes from an idiot who won't really help them.
If nothing else he voices their frustrations.
Tuesday, October 22, 2024
A fine balance
It's much easier to be kind than unpleasant and it takes much less effort. I continue my work in retirement of being friendly and open to people while still carrying a big stick that age and experience has taught us to have at the ready.
It's a fine balance.
The uninformed
In a recent survey, 30% of Republicans said that Trump, if he loses, should seize power by whatever means necessary. This is not politics this is war. It means that should Kamala Harris squeak out a victory (I can't believe I am saying that) there will be some deeply dissatisfied cult members some of whom exist on an unhinged hair trigger from living inside their echo chambers. Odd that this should happen with our unprecedented access to information.
The founding fathers understood that their population couldn't be completely trusted to vote intelligently and set up an electoral college that now hampers the country from advancing past short term thinking and cultural warfare from the red side of the aisle.
I have talked to enough people in my life to give up on the idea of informed and intelligent voting all-around but still count on basic instinct and goodness of the majority to much of the time counter the worst cases of brain fog among the electorate. Besides, much of time it's a question of the lesser of two evils.
Not this time.
Trump was already of dubious intelligence before his current state worsened to talking about penis envy, but the fact that for so many this is completely irrelevant is the far more troubling question.
Discord
Discord among gender variant people is always fascinating to me and I think it is most prevalent among older people who suffered the most stigma. In the not too distant past transsexuals were not welcome at Virginia Prince's original concept for a group and its been a rocky road ever since.
When we talk about the T in LGBTQ the modern interpretation is that it includes all forms of expression and identity which means that people who even bend gender in small ways get placed within it. Married men who dress part time, outlandish drag queens and transitioners all share a place under a banner not all of them are happy coexisting under. Add to that people who dress up like children and sometimes tempers will flare.
People we used to term classic transsexuals still make video content with transmedicalism as underpinning their situation and some will mock non-binary people with beards, dangling earrings and dresses who they deem to be caricatures which speaks volumes about the human condition. We sometimes want our specific situation to be understood through distinction.
As our societal norms have changed we have tried to keep up with terms that try to capture how people feel but somehow don't quite measure up to the task. One of the reasons I have simplified the concept in my head was to avoid the plethora of terminology and reduce it all to underlying motivation, whether there is dysphoria present, it's intensity and the proposed plan to grapple with it. How I fit within the politics is irrelevant to me when I ponder more generally the topic of human justice and tolerance.
Some people get hot and bothered under the premise of politicizing a deeply complex topic with a myriad of behaviours and identities existing within it. For better or worse it is what we find within the human mosaic
Monday, October 21, 2024
The cycles of questioning
The cycle of feeling comfort and then questioning never stops but it becomes quieter over time. Since human beings are always in flux, we go through periods of being sure followed by reflecting on why we might be wrong.
This has happened to me all along my process of self-acceptance which was less earth shattering moment than extended and iterative process which included many ups and downs. Even today I will still introduce moments of self-doubt in my approach to things as a way to keep me grounded in reality. My aim always to be calm, rational and balanced.
Transgender people if need be can live part time provided there is harmonious care of the self and where they feel accepted by those around them. The reason I pushed a little further was that doing so made me happier and I had no one else to please except myself. The people closest to me just wanted me to have a sense of well being.
Having a mature attitude about what I was experiencing helped me to elevate my gender expression far beyond the level of a caricature which I desperately did not want. In other words I wasn't a man imitating an exaggerated version of a woman over limited outings but rather an individual accepting that their essence demanded something beyond the dictates expected of my birth sex. This necessitated living openly in the world with no reservations about where I could go or what I could do and in the process becoming myself; namely a fully fleshed out transgender person.
My father
It wasn't until well after my father's passing in 1995 that I fully realized to what extent he had been a kind, decent and brilliant man. Without him I do not learn to think critically and throughout my upbringing he served as both foil and mentor in equal measure.
This January will mark 30 years since his death and I miss him as much as ever.
Using your power
When you get where I am you will be capable of being nasty if need be. You will have become tired of being afraid and people can read that in you. One cross word or expression is almost like an invitation to you that you don't need to accept because it rarely ever happens. People want to see confidence and happiness in others because many aspire to both but, when they smell fear, some will see it as an opening to assuage their own insecurity.
Here human stupidity should help to embolden us instead of hold us back. As a result, everything about your demeanor changes and you become stronger.
You know you can use your power but wisely decide to only if need be.
Outremont
Bowling Alone
"Join or Die" is a documentary on Netflix which deals with the topic of social capital. From 1910 to 1960 America saw a massive increase in the joining of clubs and organizations which helped feed civic involvement. This elevated public discourse, education and involvement in politics, school boards and church groups as well as things like bowling leagues.
The author of the book "Bowling Alone: the collapse and revival of American community" political scientist Robert Putnam was at the Kennedy inauguration and took the inaugural address to heart. Over his lifetime he proceeded to study the topic in detail to understand how civic involvement after 1960 plummeted to where it is today; the age of isolation. He is a mentor of a then very young Barack Obama who joined one of Putnam's social study groups.
Putnam, who is now 83 and affable to a fault, takes heart because the last time civic participation was this low was during the Robber Baron era when the gap between rich and poor was extremely high which is where we are today. There is yet hope that Americans can fix the problem and go back to where they once where; where much of the world also was.
This is essential viewing.
Resistance
Is resistance futile for a transgender person? My answer is yes but with a caveat. We will only go as far as life circumstances permit.
Those who are young today don't have as much of a slate to wipe clean. They are more like an empty vessel waiting to be filled with authenticity whereas we had to figure out how to partly empty ours and fill it to the top with as much of our true selves as possible.
I have often asked myself what purpose resistance serves and the answer which came back was mostly about pleasing others instead of ourselves. Once we have done away with most of the guilt, shame and paralysis of being seen in public which at the outset needlessly resembles climbing Mount Everest, we are left standing there asking what the hesitation was for and why the opinions of others carried so much weight as to keep us so imprisoned.
That Sunday morning coffee with my young hire? It went great.
Of course it did.
Sunday, October 20, 2024
For the umpteenth time
I get tired of explaining AGP to people who misuse it and find it disappointing that for many it has become a synonym for arousal patterns in gender variant people. So even if it isn't science, I will express what it supposedly stands for in a formula:
AGP = Illness which makes you want to transition
The problem is that this is pure conjecture because not everyone is the same and fully understanding their motivation requires mind reading skills.
Some people who have bought fully into Blanchard use AGP to describe their own transvestic fetishism as a compulsion. They don't feel a feminine essence and are perturbed enough to appear on podcasts talking about how to get rid of their problem which is distressing to them.
Others experience arousal as part of much more complex picture of a transgender identity being explored and fleshed out. Others still look at arousal as part of payoff in gender play with no distress being present.
Therefore when you see the term AGP being used somewhere simply think in terms of arousal and how it plays within your own personal schema if at all. Use Jack Molay's term of Crossdreaming instead.
Worthwhile
Today I meet a young engineer for coffee who I hired right out of school about 12 years ago. He now has 3 young children, works as an estimator for one of the Montréal municipalities and last time we spoke he was happy in the role. He left my company a few years before I retired for more money and a shorter workweek.
He will meet Joanna today although he has known about my dysphoria for several years. I live openly so hiding isn't a desired option especially after one gets fed up with living for the approval of others. He, like all the people I have been associated with, has no problems with my identity. At 36 years of age it would be surprising if he did.
I will be 62 soon and I marvel sometimes at where life has taken me. Yes, the dust is still falling in my adjustment to retirement with more hours to fill than I had expected, and yet natural introverts like me are less perturbed by this. Now the contact I want to keep with people must bring me something other than just filling space with conversations about nothing.
Those who are alone and about to retire may have some issue with the process because there are no more distractions and no one needs you as much as they once did. But it must be said that once you adapt, the internal peace makes it all worthwhile.
Saturday, October 19, 2024
Time to think
Some young detransitioners are saying the same thing that I am; namely that you can be a masculine woman or feminine man without getting caught up in whatever prescription they think is obliged by the term 'trans'. In other words, your gender variance can be what it needs to be for you.
The exchange I had with this young lesbian woman may have ended with her reflecting on my saying that a one size fits all formula is not correct. Some people do indeed benefit from transition while many would do well to stay as they are.
In our aim to be inclusive we inadvertently made the umbrella so big that some youth decided that being 'trans' took on certain obligations in order to be authentic. This is how Ray Williams ended up in the regret category as an admitted fetish dresser although he didn't have any surgeries which means the harm was not all that severe. Today even self-described Femboys experiment with hormones because "why not".
Those of us who were older had plenty of time to reflect on life choices made and far less likely to act in haste. But we appreciated so much being included in sorority even as we might have wished for a different life outcome had we been privy to both this climate and information in our youth.
Real
Being your true, vulnerable and honest self with someone else is difficult and I don't even think most couples do it. Bearing the contents of one's soul is not for the faint of heart and advance introspection is often required.
I don't trust people like I used to which is the result of seeing their woundedness in action. They burn you and you burn them and eventually you find there is nothing they can hide from you. All the psychological tricks at their disposal you are now aware of through your experience.
Many people fake their way through life using false bravado and keeping realness hidden underneath a working facade which gets them through each day hoping that no one else can see through it.
It's really a shame.
Friday, October 18, 2024
Dry lips
I went to the pharmacy cosmetic counter yesterday and asked about what I do rewarding dry lips when I wear lipstick (which is every day since the pandemic ended). She knows me well.
She suggested a lip balm before applying lip colour which I will try.
"We are all the same" she said referring to the problem with a laugh and an eye roll.
Agenda
I abhor agendas especially when there is malevolence behind them. When we simply want to help people it becomes transparent just as much as when we don't.
Gender criticals are not about helping detransitioners but about eradicating a portion of society which is all about agenda. These people all have vested interests (some uniquely bizarre) in trying to suppress something which they are too late for. The ship has sailed but it doesn't mean they can't make the lives of transgender people miserable in the process.
Obsession with a sub-group is very telling since, as I have found in my life, the average person has much bigger fish to fry. Were you to investigate these people you would find something in their history which strikes to the heart of their passion with villifying less than 2% of the population.
Blanket statements
I made a comment on a detransitioner video about how each case is different and what works for some is not the case for all. She was trying to go female to male, is a lesbian and decided to stop the process arguing that medical transition is unethical and that dysphoria is mental illness which I disagree with. She also stated that the happiness of the person was irrelevant.
Of course everyone has their own personal experience and filter but I am at a loss to understand that viewpoint since I am aware of people for whom this process works.
Sometimes gender dysphoria is not present and an incorrect assessment leads to a transition process which is regretted but I maintain that whatever leads to an improved mental state is what counts and making blanket statements for everyone else is a non-starter.
Thursday, October 17, 2024
Idiocracy
The polls show that its a dead heat between Harris and Trump. Can we say that this is the result of idiocracy? Without a shadow of a doubt.
An indicted, incoherent and narcissistic imbecile might just pull it off and the results down the line will be considerably uglier than the last time he was in power.
Less than 1% will decide it which simply boggles the mind. Canada is not immune from idiocracy either.
The mother of invention
Right before winter it's an odd time since it's cool in the early morning and warms up considerably by late morning.
Today I opted for a light sweater, houndstooth skirt, black leggings and my comfy walking ballerinas. On top went my Amazon fall coat which I end up using most of the winter by putting layers underneath.
Necessity is the mother of invention ;)
Unsuited
People who tend towards being vapid disinterest me and I look for those who have something to say regardless of education. Recently I was invited the home of the parents of my daughter's boyfriend for Thanksgiving and noted the difference between them.
Both were very nice but there was a profundity in the mother which was notably absent in the father. Economics is what is holding them physically together in the same house as he has moved on to a new partner. The marriage still exists on paper but is long dissolved.
He has much in common with me on the musical front but later over dinner when the conversation threatened to become more interesting it is she who impressed with her observations. That she is a writer no doubt helps her communicate more effectively.
I came away from the evening happy but reflecting how unsuited they were for each other and, as she drove me home later, she admitted that their situation was not an easy one. I certainly could not do it without suffering mentally particularly if I were not the one who had initiated the dissolution.
Estrangement
Family dynamics are fascinating. When growing up you don't realize that the interplay between the players will result in political issues which impact people for many years into the future. I was watching a mid 40's woman explain why she had to go no contact with her extended family to save her mental health. She had been designated the family scapegoat and needed to escape the cycle which had kept her in that role.
As we get older we realize that family ties may not be as beneficial to us as we once thought they would be. There is a distance created by a different lived experience which then requires a bridge be built to reconnect. The problem is that the relationship is sometimes deemed to be insufficiently beneficial aside from a reliance of shared genetics. We sometimes summarize it as "it's family" without sufficient weighing of what both sides gain after the passage of many years.
For many people the holidays are fraught with angst over seeing people they barely got along with as children. The unions subsequently made and the children created only adding to an existing chasm.
But there can come a time when everything is questioned particularly when a pandemic forces a full stop and a reflection on everything that came before.
Wednesday, October 16, 2024
Benjamin typologies in phrases
For male to female gender variant people these short phrases could perhaps be said to be descriptive of the Benjamin classification scale:
Type I - "I like to dress once in a while. I am male"
Type II - "I dress on a somewhat regular basis. I am male"
Type III - "I need to dress as often as possible and I am unsure about identity"
Type IV - "I am unsure about whether I should transition and I present as a woman as much as possible. I question identity and feel more female"
Type V - "I live as a woman as much as possible and want to transition. I am female"
Type VI - "I need to transition. I am female"
Where we are
Yesterday afternoon I had a call with Jack Molay where I conveyed some of my current concerns regarding the situation for transgender and all gender variant people in general.
In my time we had a buffer. It was fear of family loss, job loss and societal rejection which kept most of us largely immobile. Today those things still exist but with much less intensity and youth are less risk averse. For example there is a young transgender woman working in my old office and the new company insurance coverage of $15k for gender affirming care are things I could scarcely have dreamt of seeing 20 years ago.
Nevertheless in some cases we risk losing the plot because some people are overshooting thinking there is only one way to be transgender. These cases are not the majority but they are becoming more prevalent and leading directly into the hands of gender criticals as proof of the folly of what they term "transgender ideology". These people are not bright but they are highly motivated.
The model of the perfect human binary is pure hogwash as witnessed by all the variances elsewhere with organic processes, but that means nothing to thick-headed religious zealots or simple minded conservatives. That being said having more options is certainly preferable to going back to the past but that freedom of choice is producing more regret even as it is statistically small.
I don't presume to have a clear cut solution given that much of the public still has trouble distinguishing between types of gender variance and their motivations (years after coming out I am still explaining nuances to my own family). However continuing education and having the young generations take over the reins will to be the only way out of where we are now.
We are not going back but going forward with caution..
Tuesday, October 15, 2024
Authenticity versus family
The choice of authenticity versus family is the toughest challenge a transgender person can face and should it ever come down to ultimatums everyone loses. The transgender person suffers repression and cannot be their best self for someone who does not really accept them as they truly are. The partner gets someone who isn't fully whole.
Today I know this in my bones so well except that for years I tried to play the compromise game only to have less than successful relationships. You cannot be happy not being yourself and sharing a life with someone who does not appreciate you fully.
Lessons are like that in life sometimes where we must get burned to get the message but fortunately with the current climate of openness means that situations like mine will become much more a thing of the past.
As far as extended family goes they have never been less important to me since they do not form part of my circle of connections which feeds my authenticity. With them it is about keeping an arms length and doing your best to keep the ties you value without feeling obligated or losing who you are.
It must be said that some people can navigate these waters with less incident but I don't know of many stories that don't involve deep compromises.
In the dead of night
The monster talent of Bruford, Jobson, Wetton and Holdsworth. I saw them live in 1980 opening for Jethro Tull :)
Exceptional
The latest American election polling is perilously close and although polls don't decide elections it is clear neither candidate will have a decisive victory which will leave one half of the country very despondent.
This isn't about politics but about hate, racism and frustration with the status quo all rolled into one. The consequences of social media proliferation coupled with lack of natural human curiosity and stupidity are putting the US on the razor's edge of potentially embracing autocratic instincts that every nation possesses.
Forget about American exceptionalism for the people there are no brighter or dumber than elsewhere. They want the same things all humans do and when things fall apart around them they are susceptible to the same errors. I might argue however that education in history and the sciences is a bit lacking overall particularly in some of the poorer red states.
Watching people answer basic questions with microphones in their face confirms it all.
"Do you think CRT should be taught in our schools?"
"Definitely not!"
"Can you tell me what it is?"
"Um not exactly"
Better to interview the wall.
Rebuild
Our psychology should be disassembled and then reassembled with new instructions. In other words, we dissect the childhood and identify which information was useless, contradictory and even harmful to us and then reconstruct.
This is not an obvious process and there will be obstacles many of which are a product of our own adherence to programming. But if we understand that much of the world order is based on mindless drivel we can work our way back towards a stable and useful psychology with a solid foundation.
People who don't naturally fit in must do this because without that rebuild they will always be trapped trying to reconcile against a baseline they cannot adhere to without losing themselves and their authenticity.
Monday, October 14, 2024
"Woke"
The term Woke has become synonymous with the dreaded gender ideology of 47 genders. Disingenuous idiots like Piers Morgan make that their front and center grievance for a world they increasingly don't understand and a subject they grasp even less. Add to the mix our own Canadian expert on everything and nothing Jordan B Peterson.
I recently watched James O'Brien of LBC fame spar with Morgan on wokeness and the latter had trouble getting past transgender issues. The next big indignity was that the woke police was trying to make James Bond a woman which sends shivers up our collective spines. This kind of idiocy is hard to make up.
O'brien conceded he wasn't well versed on the topic and attacked it with an open mind which is all you can ask for. He also counts Paris Lees amongst his friends. Some British dimwit LBC callers he disarms and embarrasses regularly by asking for a definition of Woke which they stutter through before he hangs up on them.
Morgan and Peterson are far too dishonest and have far too much white conservative outrage to be repaired.
Themselves
I sometimes see what many would describe as eccentric gender variant people on the metro. Ill-fitting wigs, odd clothing choices and quirky mannerisms make them obvious visual targets and yet most people completely ignore them. No odd or derisive expressions from anyone because most urban dwellers have seen all kinds by now.
For that I am glad because in some cases I can see tortured expressions in need of much empathy.
They don't need or want Judith Butler's theories on gender. They just want to be themselves and for that full kudos.
Answering questions
Euphoria doesn't last which I think is one of the discoveries of many detransitioners. Once you have transitioned it all becomes normal life again and the problems that were there before still are. If Ray Williams now thinks it was his erotic feelings which were responsible for his decision (he's fully bought into AGP orthodoxy), two years of full time living on hormones certainly put things into perspective and made him realize it hadn't been the right call.
This is why I think that the slow and steady 'less is more' approach works best where one stops at the point that harmony and balance are attained. In the past there wasn't a "real life test" for nothing for patients wanting to transition because it did help answer a lot of questions. Living part time is fine but it can keep you on a euphoria cycle (I see a lot of very euphoric commentary quite often) which may indeed perfectly work for you but does not readily address the issue of a resting point which is different for each person.
One year of full time living in public can help settle an awful lot.
It did for me.
One term
If all gender variance were to be summarized as 'trans' then we have a problem because if the behavior being described is too varied it ostensibly renders the term meaningless. From enjoying women's underwear, to occasional dressing up, to full medical transition you cannot have one truncated term describe it all when the end results and impacts on individual lives can be so different.
Not to mention that the amount of help and intervention required for each person varies substantially.
In that case, a better suited and more inclusive term might simply be 'human'.
Sunday, October 13, 2024
"They ruined my hometown"
I have been to Butlington Vermont many times because they are our closest American neighbors. Someone who grew up there goes back and the problems there are not exclusive to the US.
These are global issues...
All the lovely people
I'm chipping away slowly at the vitriol I have saved up for malevolent imbeciles. The world is full of them which I cannot change but I can change myself.
As we get older we discover reality and we think the number of idiots has increased when in fact it was our ability to recognize them which improved.
As antidote I focus on all the lovely people.
Not for everyone
My 26 year old daughter and I talked marriage and children the other day. It's a difficult topic for me because I have learned so much I want to be fair-minded and not show favoritism towards any choice. I know she values her alone time even as she concedes things continue to go well with her boyfriend who I very much like
It must be said that marriage isn't for everyone except that we can sometimes only discover that along the way. Most in my generation looked at the formula of our parents and automatically followed suit only to later find out about half of us had chosen adequately. Transgender people ended up with an added layer of complexity just for good measure and realized along the way how rocky things could sometimes be.
I have a very expansive view of the topic and told my daughter that friendship is the foundation which must exist from the outset. Would you be friends without the romantic feelings which will eventually be doused with daily reality? I feel that this is mandatory.
Also, the authenticity of each partner cannot be smothered otherwise frustration builds as does resentment. This is something I wish I knew before although I was not ready at the time to accept who I was.
I view the whole topic with some detachment now and dealing with people who are living with the daily ups and downs of these unions, helps keep my feet firmly on the ground and any return of illusory thinking far away from my psyche
Cate
About five years ago Cate McGregor was named one of the notable women of Australia; an honor she was very sheepish about accepting. The now 68 year old ex-military officer calls herself simply a transsexual and was surprised to be included in such select company.
McGregor is a transmedicalist who has trouble with extremism within trans activism. She was raised conservative and her path to transition consisted of resisting until you can resist no more which, as someone from her generation, I viscerally and personally relate to.
She is not alone of course and some willingly or inadvertently feed into gender critical ideas of discrediting gender variance as conspiracy to violate women in restrooms or indoctrinating children. Her participation in a cricket Australia board resulted in her quitting over the idea of simple identification to play in women's cricket.
So here we are at the crux of the issue with plenty of bad faith actors in the mix as well as wishful thinkers who seem to not understand the power behind the politics of sex and gender.
I often find myself disagreeing with many within this sphere because in the end it should fall to a pragmatism and intelligence of common sense colored with empathy which are not always included in the discourse.
Saturday, October 12, 2024
I know who I am
I was in a full metro car the other day standing up when a gentleman sitting next to his wife noticed me and offered me his seat. He was so kind I first resisted but he insisted and so I gracefully accepted.
It feels strange still sometimes having doors held open for me from time to time and I appreciate it as affirmation. I never take it for granted. This process is slow and organic and mostly about accepting who you are which is about stopping the suppression of instincts that were there from earliest memory.
I have thought about how early some of us begin to express gender variance and yet the end result is never guaranteed. Some who begin later go on to transition while others are happy or at least resign themselves to part time.
That brunch with my mother and neighbor today wasn't perfect but was more than fine mostly because of where my headspace is at.
I know who I am.
The ticketmaster story
This story serves as model for other industries. Too much concentrated corporate power and greed at the top with little to no competition....
Friday, October 11, 2024
3 ladies for brunch
My mother, my upstairs neighbor and myself are going for brunch tomorrow morning. Yes my mother has come a long way for an 88 year old.
She has very little filter left and can be irritating but we love her anyway.
The dividing line
How can we tell where we are on the dividing line between expression and identity? For many it is not remotely easy particularly if you lie somewhere in the middle or towards the latter part of the spectrum. As one approaches transsexualism it becomes increasingly fraught with challenge.
Harry Benjamin found his type III and IV patients particularly racked with struggle although at that time transition would have been extremely challenging even in the mid 1960's. Today people who he might have classified as type I or II are starting hormones, experimenting and some regretting. Such is the change in climate.
I love the openness of today as I also am wary of the dangers of pushing the envelope too far. Older people are more constrained by virtue of life decisions made unless they were clearly androphilic to start (such as an April Ashley) and their dysphoria put them clearly into types V and VI.
Were he alive today Benjamin would have no doubt rethought his typologies or at least tweaked them with the same kindness and understanding he had from the outset. With no agenda other than to learn.
Pretzels
Looking properly after ourselves involves boundaries and lots of self-respect. No, not hubris but basic self-care.
Older Transgender people in particular have a bad history with this subject because in addition to everyone else's penchant for self-flagelation they carry an additional burden by virtue of their understanding that they don't fit in. The impact on the psyche is unquestionanle.
I knew from a young age this was something to be eliminated and it took me years of figure out how to incorporate it into my existence. Getting rid of the reflexes to criticize the self is part of the exercise of healing the psyche.
This is why I am so glad for youth who can come out early in life and seek help. They can avoid the years of psychological twists and turns which forced many of us into difficult justifications and over compensations which bent us into pretzels.
Thursday, October 10, 2024
Worst enemy
Most of the time we add to our own suffering. In fact we are experts at it. We are self-critical, impatient and want things to go our way which life will often defy with its unruly ways.
Learning to accept what we cannot change and live in the present moment are key to living more peacefully and harmoniously. I would also add that removing the unnecessary burden of obligation would help us. Things that society puts importance on but add no real value can and should be ignored if it will help us feel more whole
We want to heal the psyche of past hurts and frustrations so we can be more present to others and feel unburdened.
Undeterred
Trump apologists make me laugh. They claim that he has policy which consists largely of more tax cuts for the rich and tariffs on imported goods which will be shouldered by Americans already struggling to pay for food and housing. The belief that the source country pays for tariffs is the height of idiocy.
Nevertheless, the MAGA faithful is undeterred.
Even if Trump is primarily a buffoon he worries me far less than the cabal around him which includes the two idiots Tucker Carlson and Elon Musk who did his best dork impression at the last rally.
In Canada we have our own buffoon in Pierre Pollievre who will likely become our next PM. Therefore, fingers crossed for Kamala to act as a buffer as two idiot leaders in North America is a bridge too far.
Nuances
One of the narratives I sometimes see written about is having respect for a spouse and avoiding them witnessing the gender variance of their partner. But if the latter forms part of your identity rather than a past time, then we are accepting that our identity is objectionable and must live with that reality to remain intact as a couple.
Gender variance has a very wide berth of behaviour within it where some see it more as hobby whilst for others it forms an integral part of their core identity. Obviously those who are much more invested are the ones who will have the most trouble reconciling that they aren't exactly embraced.
Years ago I had dinner with a person who identified as a "crossdresser" (in quotations because it conveys absolutely nothing) and his wife and when the evening was over she told me politely that she was happy with the way her husband was but would have had more issue with someone like me. This was during a period where I was far less along in my journey and yet the differences in our stories, experiences and viewpoints were clearly stark.
We can have trouble with generic labels that are too expansive and don't adequately capture details of lived experience and its nuances. Because in the end it is those details which make all the difference and are far more consequential.
Today's youth are less likely to live a segmented and compartmentalized life because they won't need to hide in the first place and can live openly and honestly from the start regardless of their place on the spectrum.
Wednesday, October 9, 2024
God bless them
Gender variant youth look brave to people of my generation until one remembers they weren't drilled constantly with negative messaging from day one. I see them every day in various forms from the painted nails of a young man to young transgender women going about their business. The very early transitioners, like the ones I met some months ago, are beyond the capabilities of my radar.
Their defiant expressions and their poise formed part of my decision to come out and I love where the world is going for them even as I know we are going through turbulence.
God bless them.
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The bigots in charge
It's going to be a long 4 years. I hope your tolerance for hateful imbeciles is high...
