Saving grace

The last thing I would want to be is misanthropic. I like people except I am much more aware of their capacities which keeps me on my toes. I have analyzed everything since young and now that my innocence is long burned off I look for a new formula which avoids me becoming more jaded.

Any comparison with Jordan Peterson who is also of a product of 1962 would have me wince. His conservatism has turned him into perennial critic and malcontent whereas I want to find a way to regain my trust. I can do that by being selective.

Honest people with hearts of gold and good intentions will be my saving grace.

Into the backgroind

The vast majority of people spend very little time thinking about their gender which is what I always wanted for myself. I wanted that brain disconnect gone which I first tried ignoring. That tactic having failed, I then looked for ways to blend my feelings harmoniously into my life.

Being transgender or transsexual isn't a sport or halloween dress up (something I've never done or had any interest in doing). It involves instead a low hum of disconnect which is always there asking that you address it.

Transgender youth don't have the experience of decades of denial and suppressing and so the last 15 years of my life have been spent trying to find harmony and balance with respect to my gender. This is the best place I've ever been with it but it will forever be an iterative process of clean up for someone who grew up traumatized through their rigid mid 20th century social and religious education.

You want gender to move more into the background like it does for everyone else which, with every passing year, I am having more success doing.

Harmony with much less in the way of peaks and valleys.

No analysis

I have heard some people admit to not being particularly introspective which I find odd. After all, how can you improve yourself as a person without reflecting on where you have been and how you need to adjust strategy as a consequence.

Doing without introspection almost guarantees repeat errors and leaps off cliffs which are then looked back upon with great regret. Yes, learning through getting burned a little is often necessary but we shouldn't want to burn down the whole house.

I find impulsive people strange and ask myself why leaping and assuming that things will work is part of their baseline assumption. What might be obvious to them isn't necessarily part of the thinking strategy of someone else so before we leap we need think what happens when our calculation is erroneous.

Life is lived with a series of adjustments based on learned experience but without proper analysis of our traveled path we will always be fumbling around in the dark hitting objects.

A milestone in history

I think about the world I grew up and it was stable; at least from the point of view of social rules. Roles were set which were not very malleable. Yes, they were highly restrictive but at least people knew there was little guessing about what to do. It was fit in or else.

Over time women and minority groups began to perturb the social order and challenge the existing power structures. One could argue that where we are today is the culmination of that effort which is why so many feel lost. Those who are older and fit under the old system are confused by the messiness and are easily manipulated into rejecting it.

Humans will look back at this period as a key milestone of cultural and political change which will transform society in significant ways. The people who most felt constrained by the old rules will see their quality of life increase while others who benefited from the excessive advantages will need to adjust to a new reality.

Newsmax interviews the wrong guy

 

Spotty

The history of theorizing within both the hard and social sciences could be considered to be spotty at best. That is because in general we humans really don't know what is going on but we like to think we do. So we will look back and see a mixed track record full of failures and keep adjusting only to be proven wrong again.

Now that I know this I adjust my thinking and add a big grain of salt to the latest big discovery announcement.

Not getting lost

I was chatting with my daughter yesterday about how things are going with her new boyfriend who I very much like. I don't pry and she shares only what she wants to but i can see she is getting to a stage of assessing how to balance her need for quiet time versus the social demands of being in a couple.

This is not an easy line to walk and knowing how not to get lost inside of a pairing is not remotely obvious. Our partner does not provide our happiness but instead companionship which can be fruitful but also potentially stifle our identity if we are not clued in on the signs.

Those of us who grew up under the old atomic model of the family questioned ourselves less and simply entered the dating arena with plans to join a pre-existing model. Whether it would ultimately work out for us wasn't as well considered as what the impacts of rejecting it would have on our social acceptability.

Only time would tell.

How it shows up

How gender variance shows up in the life of each person and the amount of choice exercised is extremely varied. It is why at this stage I find categorizing almost completely pointless. I keep thinking of this issue in terms of just another piece of what is the human mosaic.

You have some people with very early childhood memories, others who raided their mother's laundry hamper at 13, while others decide to start wearing their wife's underwear at 40. The impetus for each of those scenarios can be unique with the presence or complete absence of gender dysphoria being yet another wildcard.

Some adopt some form of transition while for others it would be the furthest thought from their mind and completely unnecessary.

Hence I go back to the root question of what makes you happy and does not perturb your life in any way. What actions do we need to take to encourage wellness and balance and how does gender variance in any way either impede or uphold that harmony.

Battle of who could care less

 

"Why I didn't transition"

 

You are your own best metric

When I read comments on videos that deal with gender issues, a healthy amount of them are steeped in angst about self-classification. This is because people are either looking for validation that they are legitimate or for confirmation that there is indeed something wrong with them.

The best metric continues to be your personal sense of well-being and mental health. When that increases, you know you are on the right path.

We need to remember that the world is full of insecure people looking to tear others down so looking for outside answers for complex human issues is often a complete waste of time. People who know very little but think they know as lot, make up a healthy proportion of the population.

Plus the world is chock full of agendas.

Transgender joy

It is possible to find transgender joy but I needed it to come from a deeper place than fleeting euphoria and for dysphoria to be much better managed.

It began to come when I was able to plant a foothold in identity and permanently stop seeing Joanna as a compartmentalized character I would trot out for dysphoria relief; for she is me and I am her. I needed to mature my inherent nature to where the rest of my psychology was. It is why I much prefer where I am now by leaps and bounds over where I used to be even just a few short years ago. People can see the difference as much as I feel it.

For my joy is much deeper and more filled with self-assurance even as we will still all have our little life ups and downs. 

It's called life.

They arrived

The pumps I ordered online came and they are super flexible and comfy. I am wearing them out today to break them in a bit more but so far I am saying what a great find especially for the price. 

For me a block heel is an absolute must as I need to be able to walk with stability and no pain ;)

Violence and fear

Lauren faced violence and yet she was insistent that it would not affect her plan because life comes with its inherent risks.

My approach has been that I will not cower from bullies because we all have a right to lead authentic lives....

 

Greener grass

Once we are happy being single is when we are most primed to find the right person which is not at all counterintuitive. The simple act of desiring primes us for a compromise and potentially settling for someone who does not suit us. We are all guilty of this to some degree because society sells the idea of being alone as unnatural and a cause for pity.

The problem is that the inclinations of each natal sex sometimes conspires to make long term relationships untenable. The differences in their psychology weighs down the game of endurance with more difficulties.

Plus we humans have an incurable case of the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

The polar ends

Some people are extremely happy with temporary gender expression often because they simply want sporadic release from the social pressures for their natal sex This is particularly true for those who felt constrained by the cultural rules of their era.

Rather than incorporate feminine traits into everyday life, a woman is fashioned who represents the embodiment of this wish for expression. Once the euphoria is satisfied they go back to their normal life until the next time.

Of course this schema does not work well for everyone and many settle for it as compromise for previous life choices made which misalign with this desire. It is difficult for them to know what their baseline might be if they were to explore further because they cannot.

We used to try and draw firm lines between transvestism and transsexualism when in truth people exist on a continuum (which Harry Benjamin discovered) and it is why residing anywhere in a murky middle ground can be so distressing until we come to understand and accept ourselves.

The people I have met over my life who were the most settled on how to proceed seemed to be those who resided closer to the opposite polar ends of that continuum.

The main driver

Everyone possesses a unique combination of expression and identity where ideally the latter drives the former. In other words, expression is the result of who we feel we are. The opposite could imply that we are deluding ourselves unless of course we simply admit to gender play as our primary motivation.

Understanding this formula within ourselves is key because without an honest appraisal we won't know who we really are and what we need to do or not do. It is not remotely easy for many of us which is why it can take years to resolve the mystery.

However, without this knowledge, labeling oneself is not going to be even remotely helpful especially in this era of very elastic definitions.

Through contraction

The development of the self begins through contraction. We start life as a blank slate full of possibilities and we slowly begin to understand where the battery limits lie by being told what we cannot do. Rules are set and we observe how our peers are behaving and when we veer too far we are proded back into submission.

Ostensibly, everyone who is born into a culture learns to suppress instinct in one manner or another if it does not fit within the boundaries of what is expected. The building of walls within our psyche is how we learn who we are supposed to be.

Authenticity is often in conflict with this way of educating a child but human beings are deeply fearful of being singled out and rejected and parents will often push their child into obeying even as they know their spirit is being choked.

Growing into the self involves learning that much in what we were taught in childhood was convention rather than useful truth. However we were not able to discern until much older and then undertake a journey to remove these walls which was made more difficult because the indoctrination had been so pervasive and scars already formed from the experience of rejection.

To varying degrees, people succeed in becoming truly authentic beings but it requires tenacity and the willingness to sometimes stand out. The alternative is to remain obedient and live an entire life with those walls intact and possibilities unfulfilled.

By the end we know all too well that the people who taught us didn't know much about anything at all but were just obeying orders. They were simply doing to us what was done to them.

Will & Harper

 

When it's not paraphilia

When you don't suffer distress...

Betrayal

When people look up and glance at you on public transit they want to get a sense of your energy. If they see self-assured and right in your skin they typically look elsewhere (unless they are a creepy or weird individual).

When I wasn't quite there yet, I was giving away an energy of discomfort that was very detectable. My facial expression and body language would betray me.

The more I tapped into authenticity the more the problem went away to the point where today I am a chatterbox with nice people.

We realize that we are always ourselves.

The petulant child

Kamala Harris was composed, confident and combatative while Trump was an angry toddler. She had his number all night and goaded him with rally crowd sizes and telling him that 81 million Americans had fired him. This is how you handle a malignant narcissist; with an arrow straight through the ego making his frantic imaginary accordion playing go into overdrive.

They say that debates don't decide elections but then rarely are they this one-sided. All of Trump"s weaknesses as a human being were exposed including his woeful lack of policy knowledge and his penchant for being a complete idiot.

It was like a parent dealing with a petulant child; eye rolls and smirks added for bonus effect.

Now it's up to the electorate.

Courage

Relaxing into the self necessitates that we trust our instincts which I resisted doing for a very long time. I felt that my mind had been playing tricks on me and that I could somehow realign myself with the rest of society even if it meant being less happy.

The content I have shared recently from the transgender woman  who calls herself Lauren Sunshine shows how an introspective, organic and spiritual approach to accepting what our core is telling us is so instrumental. She has taken a one day at a time exploration and allowed change to happen at the speed it needs to. She has shut out the rest of the world and it's opinions to arrive at authenticity even if it rubs against the grain of expectation.

Some people tell me that this takes courage but I insist that we do this to make our life easier. We deal with internal conflict and embrace who we are to see anxiety subside and serenity install itself. It is self help.

Plus, once we no longer care what others think, courage is not so much required.

Blending in as a transgender person

Lauren briefly uses the term "passing" here which I am not a fan of but the advice she gives is both highly intelligent and priceless. The best take on the subject I think I have heard...

Challenged

Lauren once again provides mature and insightful perspective about how to process bring transgender...

Save our kittens!

The latest hoax is that Haitian immigrants are stealing the pets of Americans and eating them. Apparently this is all over social media and being shared by the likes of JD Vance, Elon Musk,Ted Cruz and the detestable arch-villain Stephen Miller. Anything to swing the election.

For the record, this panic started from one isolated incident involving an American with some mental health issues who did indeed consume a pet. Of course the entire story has been turned into a flood of people at the southern border coming for your kittens.

It is both depressing and exhausting to live in this golden age of idiocy where the electorate is assumed to be this stupid and undoubtly one faction of it is. But most Americans should be fed up and vote these right wing lunatics out. Trump and his slurring while playing make believe accordion will not be missed by most.

I for one will be celebrating for a week.

A self-fulfilling spiral

Among the most numerous types of videos on YouTube are ones relating to mental health (anxiety, depression, loneliness) and romantic relationships which makes sense since these two areas make up a huge chunk of human preoccupation. Both issues have been front and center over the last number of years.

We are more lonely than ever as well entering into less relationships than at any point in our history. The transactional component of marriage now wiped away, there is less reason for women to embark if they have careers, money and no need of men to look after them. As a result many men have given up especially if they don't belong to the top 10% that women are chasing thanks to hypergamy.

By age 30 many women start to think biological clock and the ones who don't get one of the top tier men, have little choice but to lower often excessively exacting standards except that some of those lower rank men are now happy and more aware than ever about the perils of divorce. It's a self-fulfilling spiral which will only end when the entire rules of the game change. The reasoning and purpose for matrimony will need to be revamped.

The best field test

Those who haven't tried living full time may not realize that things change substantially when the buzz wears off. Daily life is very different and you are just living as authentically as possible which is true for both social or medical transition.

Daily living is how you will know where you stand because the euphoria and anticipation of the outing is gone. This is the best method I know to help discover your path and why for years gender clinics have insisted on a period of social living before undergoing any procedures.

If you don't have dysphoria then keep doing whatever brings you happiness.

The tariff president

 

Interesting podcast

Some males seem to be trapped into thinking they are AGP (which is really just Blanchard's re-naming of transvestic fetishism which he accused all woman-loving transsexuals of having). Anyway these men sometimes end up in podcasts telling the host that they have an incurable disease which they are anxious about which technically makes them fall into the category of a paraphilia. If you are happy with your gender variance you have nothing to worry about since it is not causing you distress but for these men it is seen as a problem. I think it is because they don't feel they possess a feminine essence but rather an incurable fetish. This is entirely possible.

Now I have covered Blanchard at length many times before and where he goes wrong with his assumptions and so I won't do so here, but in the comments section of the podcast I was watching I found this very interesting if slightly convoluted comment by a genetic female who was trying to understand this whole AGP business:

"As a cis woman who is aroused by her own femaleness, you being aroused at your maleness as with respect to your intimate relationship with your wife as males live their maleness. I do not understand. If a person sees themselves as a woman, and, not only a woman, but an attractive woman how is that wrong? If a woman is born female and grows and develops a sexually attractive social space they are ok? Or that's different? I am really confused how this word is being used against a person who wants to transition and excited by the idea that they will achieve attractiveness. If you were kidnapped and turned into a woman would you feel you were attractive?"

What she describes is that indeed some women are aroused by their own bodies which is not that surprising and what she was trying to do was help this fellow understand that, in her view, his attraction to being female need not be seen as a problem.

Anyway it was very interesting that she showed up to comment.

Understanding our psyches

Some people may not agree with what I have to say or even how I say it but I don't concern myself with it since I never have ill intent. I consider my writing self-reflection and exploration which always tries to get to the bottom of things. Truth is what interests me the most but it can sometimes perturb us with its bluntness.

Once we understand the human condition it's easier to see the mechanics of how people function. Love and fear are what motivate us most and we will find ways to feast on misplaced versions of both; often to our own detriment. Fear of rejection is among our worst concerns which often implies that authenticity be jettisoned.

If we can get to the root of our own psychology which begins to be formed in childhood we can find ways to live more peacefully by treating any underlying issues. Whatever errors our parents made must be forgotten and we must mature into stable people who recognize their own flaws and mental triggers. Obfuscation never does us any favors even if it can feel good for a time not to delve deeply into our psyches.

Humans exist with mythology around many issues. Most of it was acquired during our upbringing and the rest was invented by us to avoid inconvenient truths we don't want to face. However no one is born flawed no matter what anyone says.

Becoming truly ourselves demands we live with much less fear and concern regarding what other people think (this one was my challenge). Once there we can fix the rest of our issues with much more patience and reserve.

Is gender a social construct?

Is gender a social construct? I believe the answer is both yes and no.

The trappings of gender certainly are. What men and women are supposed to wear and do for a living were for eons socially mandated and this has begun to change. Many people play with this more expression side of the equation for their own motivations without any internal core disconnect which is perfectly fine.

The identity side is more complex and I believe has a biological component. It is the same feeling that told David Reimer he was a boy despite his childhood rearing thus proving John Money wrong. This is the hard wired part of gender which is not changeable and is tied to the dysphoria of people whose identity does not match the demands of their birth sex. It is what keeps a great many transgender people up at night weighing what to do.

The answer is both yes and no. It just depends on which component one is considering.

Cutting through the noise

The confusion we see in the world has always been there except it wasn't as public. Today we are exposed to every thought that comes into anyone's head which can be enlightening as it can be distressing. I try to block out the noise and focus on the wisdom which is often lost in the clutter within a world full of misplaced and often brain dead priorities; its preference for the banal.

It can be difficult sometimes to discern what is truly worthwhile as so many profess to have the answers to what troubles us; why we cannot sleep or have anxiety or fix our marriage.

Ultimately we are own best gatekeepers which is why we must learn to think critically and intelligently to cut through all of what we see and get to the grain of truth hidden underneath. In the end we are our own best problem solvers.

This is very common

I was watching an episode of the short run Quebec series "Je Suis Trans" (which you can find on YouTube). One of the featured transgender people who went from female to male remarked how he could see in the mirror what other people could not; namely traces of the woman he was living as at one time.

This is very common among many transgender people especially when we are still living through the self-conscious stage regarding how the public perceives us. We are more likely to think that we are being read whereas the public is more likely to see the person we are presenting as. I think it helps tremendously to relax and not focus on what people might be thinking and just live which helped me tremendously to free my mind in public.

For the record, if you hadn't told me, I would have never guessed he had been born female.

improv #3

 

The AI revolution

 

I am not the only one

My recent breakfast with Caro and Maika (the girls from the public market) revealed something interesting. I already knew that both were lovely, but I found out that young Maika's 18 year old sister is now her brother. He has had the mastectomy but will not necessarily pursue genital surgery.

What is fascinating is that her brother (who she accepts unconditionally) is seeing much the same confusion that I am. Namely that if many in my generation fought tooth and nail to avoid being the way we are, many today are confusing gender expression freedom as reason to push the envelope. The Montréal General Hospital gender identity clinic is needing to reject extremely aggressive advocates who want to skip steps which they rightly refuse to do. The clinic does not see being transgender as lifestyle choice.

I am glad that some within transgender youth also recognize this phenomenon.

Works like a charm

When we stop caring, we disregard whether people like our outfit or not. We disregard whether they are staring or not. We stop worrying about how well we are blending in.

Our body language also says: "say the wrong thing to me and I'll smack you" which has to come from your bones. Use your pent up frustration as motivation.

Rest assured that it works like a charm because there's never been a better time for it in our history.

Pure disdain

The Trump and JD Vance response to the latest US school mass shooting was to say the country needs to get over it as these things happen. This is an actual problem that the GOP and the gun lobby want nothing to do with solving if it involves tougher gun laws.

Meanwhile during rallies Trump tells his cult that kids are going to school, having an operation and coming back home a different gender which is a non-existant problem. Pure disdain for your followers who admittedly aren't the sharpest tools in the shed.

The word imbecile is far too tepid.

God only knows

 

No one way

Sometimes I see content from young transgender people who are not into typical forms of femininity. They have gender dysphoria but they don't necessarily want to wear dresses or makeup. In other words they end up being like some genetic women are who aren't overtly feminine but find an expression balance that is almost in a tomboy range.

Of course there isn't one way to be female and once dysphoria is treated the person can end up assuming a more androgynous type of existence. This shows how once the disconnect is addressed, the balance of masculine and feminine energy can be played with and a baseline established which feels right to them.

As a contrast, the compartmentalized existence of some who are part time can create two separate characters which are sometimes nothing alike and all of the feminine energy resides in only one of them. That version of the self is often more likely to be extra feminine as a result.

Two cases where the expression and identity balance is very different.

A little panacea

Human behaviour during both the pandemic and Trumpism confirmed to me that people aren't getting more intelligent over time. I cannot laugh at the quack theories of the past and think how much we have improved in the 21st century when we haven't. We are as susceptible to cults and strange ideas as we have ever been.

The problem is of course willful and ignorant bliss of truly wanting to believe something deeply. Even when truth butts up against that desire nothing will convince us we are wrong. It is why Trumpists, Qanon disciples and the flat earth people cannot be budged unless there is a massive intervention which results in mostly themselves coming to salvation.

Life can be painful enough without the bluntness of reality and so a little myth is often the panacea that gets us through to the next day.

Calmer and calmer

I'm getting so much better at fielding negative surprises these days. It means that I becoming more chill as I settle into retirement and leave the career stress behind.

It's taken me almost 2 years to decompress which I wasn't expecting to happen but when I talk to stressed out ex-colleagues these days I can see why it did. When you first stop there is a giddiness which segues into a "now what" phase. All that extra time is almost guilt inducing as you can finally tend to yourself properly.

As I walked the Royalmount mall this week during its grand opening, I could feel the calm and the confidence surging in the veins. You are at a psychological state you never expected to get to. The way people treat you and you treat them has been completely transformed. Surprisingly, it has kept morphing past the point where I thought I was already at an optimum comfort level. 

There are still little ups and downs, but then we are human which has always been incurable.

Russian nested dolls

Being transgender can feel like an assembly of Russian nested dolls. In other words, you think you have gotten to the last level but there is yet another one inside. It is an analogy for the depth one needs to go to sometimes to figure out where you need to be. It is yet more fine tuning.

Being constrained and busy can be helpful because the distraction stops us from going further. When you have as much time as I do however, you discover new things all the time that you had simply buried in a psychological drawer during your previously very busy life.

I think I am running out of dolls or at least I hope so.

Cul de Sac

 

As I travel within it

At this age I am not particularly interested in a romantic relationship unless it brought with it the depth of intelligence and true friendship that I now understand to be pivotally important.

Transgender or not, I know my value and cherish it and I won't give up anything about my core identity but would be willing to share my happiness without getting lost in the trauma of someone else who is afraid or doesn't know themselves. I have spent years understanding my own psyche.

It is a shame that we only come to know ourselves properly as we age because our life partnerships are mostly made when we are not at the peak of our prowess. We are afraid to be alone and many of us make decisions based on chemistry that upon receding leaves us with someone we don't truly align with at a deeper level.

This is not about waiting for perfection for there is no such thing. Instead it is about acknowledging that neither person is perfect but each has the fortitude and the introspection to not always play the victim and bring their qualities to the table and share them.

I am complete without a partner as I have peace of mind, but the right person could add a layer of joy and satisfaction while conversely the wrong one threaten to unsettle what I already possess.

It is why I do not yearn and let the universe do what it must as I travel within it. 

Grand opening

I went to the grand opening of the Royalmount mall yesterday. I am not a mall person but this complex is a different type of animal. When fully complete it will be an environment into itself with residences, businesses, green spaces, theater, dining, shopping, spas and even an aquarium which wasn't yet open.

Malls on their own have been dying for years now so this complex is being counted on as a new way to combine entertainment with necessity. Due to its location it will also draw upon the richer clientele of Montréal who can afford Gucci or Louis Vuitton which are opening stores there.

It wasn't packed because it is so huge and at 10 AM on a weekday I wasn't expecting huge crowds. The food court is very high end and there are no McDonald's outlets. Instead the focus is boutique style eating that will cater to more demanding palettes; needless to say with bigger wallets.

On a more personal note, things continue to improve as I calm into a new existence. People tell me I look happy.

I am.

Imagine it's 1985

Imagine it's 1985 and what do you see? Transgender people are deep in the closet including those who transition and disappear somewhere to start over.

In comes a biased researcher and takes a portrait in time attempting to explain what he sees according to his desired outcome. Transgender people are scared but those brave enough to show up at his clinic have already suffered a long time. Most gynephilics have married, are older (which means many more years of exposure to testosterone) and are coming for help to someone with an agenda and the ability to refuse them. Androphilics tend to be a little younger and more conventionally feminine and show up at his practice much sooner.

Most natal females are living as women but in various forms of masculine presentation and characteristics because society has given them a little more leeway. As a result, they tend not to present to clinics for their dysphoria.

Fast forward to 2024 and the entire portrait falls apart. Gynephilics are transitioning as young as androphilics and natal females are becoming trans men.

When your model does not hold up over time it's called bad science or wishful thinking. It can also be called malevolent stupidity.

Prove me wrong.

Only the best people

You have to love Lawrence O'Donnell's bluntness and honesty about the stupidest president ever. I know I do...

"I am a woman!"

Yes, this video had plenty of commentary from the knuckle draggers but kudos to Imane for standing her ground and pursuing legal action for the public harassment...

"Am I trans?"

These days there is a lot of online content asking the question "am I trans?" which I would counter with "what does that term mean to you?" for that umbrella has been shifting and is now at it's most inclusive point ever.

If I tell you that you fit or don't fit underneath it, how would that in any way affect your life path?

Only you can know who you are and how you need to live (with a little help from a qualified gender specialist if needed)

"Il a change de sexe"

The barista was pleasant and I was my usual chatty self. He was 30 years old and we talked about the state of society and the differences between our respective generations. We were the one that was dutiful and obeyed convention while they feel much less constrained.

Then he surprised me and said in French that suddenly at age 60 his father had changed sex "soudainement a 60 ans, il change de sexe". He said it without disdain but looking up and perhaps expecting that I might wince. Instead I offered a gentle smile and marveled for a second at the irony.

I then asked him if he still loved his father and he responded that despite some issues between them that he does.

It was so good to hear.

I then went into more soliloquy about how my black and white world felt unchangeable and how I am so happy that socially they are more open and accepting of diversity. I told him I was so happy his father was finally free.

Until i realized

Until realized that most people don't know much about anything, I used to worry about what they thought.

I no longer do.

Unsettled

Julie calls out to me "Joanna!" She was walking in the opposite direction and she stops in front of me. We exchange Quebec style kisses on each cheek which barely touches the skin. She is tall and lanky such that we are almost eye to eye.

She is a few years older and also retired but she went back part time to earn money for travel. She tells me her work does not stress her in the least especially since it is elective. I tell her I don't miss the stress and the politics of my work in the least.

Since the pandemic ended we haven't gone back to our previous normal. We think our psychological scars have healed but that is untrue and the nature of work is having trouble defining itself in a world that got a taste of something different. We don't want to go back to the old way but haven't settled on what that new reality will be.

Inflation has forced many people to adapt and cut where they can. Housing and groceries are straining their budgets as GenZ struggles to jump start their lives and they delay their departure from their parental home. Purchasing property is almost out of the question for them and those who are fortunate will obtain it through inheritance.

The most unsettled period of my lifetime will take a long while yet to sort itself out.

Getting things wrong

The fact that gender identity and expression confuses so many people is not surprising when it even confuses some gender variant people themselves into tangential discussions about who is authentic. There are so many iterations of it and, even if the percentage is not high compared to the overall population, it has nevertheless become notorious because today it is so highly visible.

Thirty years ago broadly you either had married men in secret clubs or transsexuals going stealth but today all shades of gender variance are on display and it forces the public to take notice making the conversation unavoidable.

Intelligent and thoughtful people are not all that perturbed by all this but the deeply afraid or the truly idiotic have turned this issue into obsessive fodder for their calling out that society is falling apart when in truth what was there all along has now simply become public. To have believed that we only ever had a perfect performative binary was to ignore the numerous permutations everywhere else in nature. How people saw themselves internally was never able to be displayed but now it was and what a huge uproar it caused.

Besides the different biological permutations of intersex conditions you have people who express themselves and identify outside rigid rules which were set for them before they were born. To assume that these rules would work perfectly for everyone was the critical mistake made. Yes, you could try and enforce them but it does not mean that they were natural.

I am constantly dismayed by the sheer stupidity on daily display in this world by people who have trouble thinking mostly because their fear gets in the way and not just on this issue.

Contrarians

The Trump cult is full of contrarians. Many of them are common folk who are used to being ignored and marginalized by society. Trump feels familiar to them which is why they relate to him and the more you hate him, the more they support him. This is not about rationality but about emotion. It is about the ability to stoke fears in people and having them hold on to you while you tell them you will rock the system and fight for them.

It does not matter that Trump is a drooling and sweaty imbecil who talks about bird-killing windmills. His tone and histrionics is what works for them. They don't see what you do.

Converting these types of people will be extremely difficult as many of them are low critical thinking skills to begin with. People are emotional before they are rational and Trump voters tip well into gut feel territory so using logic and statistics is pointless. This is especially true in 2024 when everyone is an expert on everything.

That crazy uncle who digs in his heels at Thanksgiving will not be changeable so just give up and vote in bigger numbers than people like him do. Better to argue with a brick wall.

Signs of rightness

A sense of rightness is present when both dysphoria and euphoria exist in harmony and are both reduced. We dampen the peaks and valleys which can lead to anxiety.

We also start becoming very comfortable in public and people can tell. We are both oblivious and uncaring as to who is watching us.

Things begin to fall into place and a balance and peace mostly predominate.

Change is possible

I have changed dramatically since I first began writing publicly in 2012. Change is a good thing and now I realize with great clarity how much my previous life wasn't working for me. It was like trying to put a band-aid on a wound that needed stitches.

If we feel we are stagnant we should ask ourselves why we haven't changed. Is it because we were physically constrained by life and dared not advance our mental exploration?

One of the things that disappoints me greatly is seeing people feel despondent and deflated by their life situations. They often develop a resiliency which is liberally doused with a resignation that progress for them isn't possible; something which isn't true.

If we do not love ourselves at our core for who we are we will be more likely to adopt self defeat. We will also be more prone to accept the concensus of others that there is something wrong with us and accept their vision of how our lives should be lived.

As a result of all my work my sense of self-worth has improved greatly. I went from seeing my difference as an illness to regarding it as part of the random variability of human kind. Both secrecy and shame could then safely be jettisoned thus elevating the psyche and my confidence.

Older people are more likely to feel trapped because they bought in very early in life into a narrative that is very difficult to scrub away. Without doing the work to lift the shroud, the change will not be able to happen.

We don't get there overnight and, like everyone else, we will be fine tuning for the rest of our natural lives.

We all have something

Author and motivational speaker Simon Sinek was on the "Diary of a CEO" podcast about a year ago and said he was struggling with loneliness. He personally knew hundreds of people including many who were top tier heads of companies and organizations but when he would go home after a busy day he felt lonely.

Sinek does not talk about mental health but instead about mental fitness; the idea that we are a constant work in progress and that we sometimes need to sit in the mud and, if not wallow in it, then at least allow for that process to run its course and not fight it. We are complex creatures with constant ups and downs.

He talked about finding ourselves in being present for others and being good listeners. To not offer quick responses or solutions bit simply be present when they need to express where they are in life and why they feel stuck.

He suffers from ADHD and was diagnosed well into adulthood which forced him to develop strategies prior (much like those of us who suffer dysphoria do). He ended up understanding why his situation had affected his ability to form romantic relationships and why at 49 he had never married but was still hopeful.

We all have something.

The golden age of idiocy

The outrage over boxer Imane Khekif shows why social media is a scourge on our society. All kinds of transphobic dipshits have pronounced themselves over a boxer who isn't even transgender.

Even Richard Dawkins supported the obsessive histrionics of JK Rowling by weighing in on the issue based on nothing more than a visual inspection. Imane "looks a little too male" therefore she must have been born a man. Stupidity once again rears its ugly head.

Everyone is an expert on every issue today and can make wild accusations without the benefit of tests which would show what Imane Khelif's situation is. Does she have PCOS? possibly but some women have higher levels of testosterone than others. Michael Phelps had a wider rib cage and longer reach than other male swimmers which made his chances of winning greater. Serena Williams is a strong and powerful woman who dominated her sport no doubt in part because of her height and strength.

Not to mention that there are many willowy or tiny transgender women and even many biological men who wouldn't last 2 minutes in the ring with Khelif but these idiots are too dense to be reasoned with.

Nope, we now live in the golden age of idiocy where people will be monitoring everything and competing in sports and even using a public restroom will be frought with an increased level of both scrutiny and stress.

All because we will never run out of idiots.

How to become happy

This worked for me big time...

Spaghetti at the wall

Kamala Harris looks poised to just squeak through in a worse case scenario. A few key battleground states and she's in like Flynn and hopefully writing a new contract with the American people who need some optimism these days after a particularly bad decade of gloom and doom punctuated by a pandemic.

People have short term memories and the bungling of the Trump administration easily forgotten under a new barrage of hateful propaganda where racism bubbles just under the surface; the counterpoint of a white bread American dad aesthetic of Tim Walz proving a little harder to attack by a right wing desperate to find a weakness.

Trump fatigue is real and the entire world has it save for those still under the grip of the MAGA cult. But their numbers are starting to go down as a painfully stupid Trump panics and throws things at the wall including waffling on reproductive rights. Evangelicals are not amused.

The hamster wheel

At 61 there isn't much that I fear in open society. Of course I've kept the common sense which tells me to avoid dangerous situations but I've greatly bolstered a confidence which has me disregard what years ago would have given me pause. Living with any kind of unjustified fear is incredibly draining.

My life thus far has been equal parts challenging and rewarding and now I can identify very quickly how to cut to the chase. I can see things coming a mile away and identify how I need to react to save both time and needless energy.

What is left is disarming the weapons I used to defend myself as I was developing myself into an integral person. There is power in me but it is still tainted by a disdain for certain types of people which I could easily dismiss as deplorable. The bully archetype still gets under my skin except that now I recognize that underneath lies very feeble confidence. Stupidity is generally not a genetic trait but instead an acquired one.

As one relaxes into retirement there is plenty of time to work on the psyche and aspire to a greater sense of appreciation for the fragility of others. Everyone suffers except that when we are in the throes of our own while running in our societal hamster wheel, it is much less easy to be empathetic.

From within

I think that one of the ways we can tell we have arrived at core identity is that categorizing and comparing ourselves to others drops off drastically. We don't care what people do or what they think and we stop looking for validation outside of ourselves. Opinion becomes entirely irrelevant and we are not easily triggered.

"I am me" is more than good enough a statement for us because a core cannot and should not be so readily perturbed by outside influences. Self-assurance installs itself.

We look for and find ourselves from within and if we are waiting for a textbook definition it's because we're not there yet.

Morgin

You cannot get more earnest.....

"I'm lonely"

That was the title of a recent video I watched.

Loneliness has always been part of the human condition but it has never been this transparent or glaring as it is now. I see content from young people especially who need connection at the most crucial part of their lives for the world in its current incarnation confuses them and rightfully so.

Social media is a nightmare of inauthenticity, posturing and stupidity and what people want most it cannot provide. To speak directly to a human being and share of ourselves is what we long for but we are slowly losing our capacity to do so. We are forgetting how it used to be done.

There is so much about the openness and the tolerance of today that I love and yet I would want to reach back into the past and bring back some of that organic feel we somehow left behind; when things were just a little slower and we had less technological power at the fingertips to share every single first thought that comes into our head which so often gets lost in the void with all the others.

The antidote for loneliness isn't about looking for a crowd but instead about an honest vulnerability and kindness which people can read and feel. Something which is best conveyed face to face and not over a screen.

Those who abandon

If you associate with kind and solid people you will lose no one when you come out which has been the case with me. Intelligent people with character will not abandon you and so you need to realize that those who let you go aren't worth your time or attention.

If you know who you are embrace your identity and look for people who uphold it and appreciate you for your true value which is much deeper than how you present to the world.

To date, I have lost no one and have gained new people who I adore.

I was due

I was due for a new pair of pumps as my old ones were getting pretty ratty. I found these on huge clearance for $35 which really surprised me. I should have them with 2 weeks and hoping they are as comfy as the description and reviewers say.

The cosplay pipeline

I am more than a little skeptical of the cosplay pipeline which is the the term I am using to describe young men who slowly advance their online gender variance some to the point of hormones. I cannot relate to this but I would categorize it as a kind of gender euphoria on steroids. It is an advancing into action where perhaps none is warranted.

The jury will be out on this because these young men are only in their 20's and the headiness may yet wear off. At first they are paid and challenged by their Twitch audience to increasingly push the envelope of E-girl character gender variance to the point where they perhaps convince themselves that this is their true nature even if no signs ever existed before. Euphoria can do that.

These young people come to gender variance from the opposite direction that I did and instead of resisting and doing as little as possible, are embracing something with gusto which for many of us with dysphoria isn't a choice.

Only time will tell except that I know all honeymoons wear off after a while and thus I hope that for their sake they choose wisely.

I promise to be nice

For years I have invited the Blanchard people to allow me to make mince meat out of their lack of proof for their theory but, alas, they never fail to disappoint.

All I can do is promise I won't be mean despite all of the deliberate harm they tried to cause so many older transgender people.

According to the theory since I am gynephilic, I'm supposed to be manly and have transitioned because I could not help myself since I am attracted to myself. Except that I am naturally feminine, passable (lots of people don't know) and have not medically transitioned because, like most transgender people, I think with my brain first before I do with my crotch. Imagine that.

There is nothing worse for me than malevolent idiocy.

El idioma Español

This morning I had coffee outside on St Denis at a lovely Cafe run by a young Argentinian couple. They were so friendly and we were discussing how much the Spanish language has grown in use in Montreal over the decades to the point where I almost speak it every day with someone.

I hope they do really well because the ambiance and their coffee are both excellent.

I can feel the fall coming and I love it ;)

Reducing dysphoria

Based on all my reading and personal experience meeting others, gender variance can generally be split between euphorics and dysphorics. The former celebrates gender expression while the latter feels a disconnect with birth sex which varies in intensity from person to person.

This is why I often see videos or comments regarding whether one being trans necessarily means one needs to suffer from gender dysphoria. Now I stay away from using the truncated term trans because ultimately it is just a label and not a prescription for an action plan. More importantly it is your understanding of what your motivation is for your gender variance and knowing what path to take which has the most relevance.

If one already has a working formula then that is great but those who might misinterpret or downplay where they are because of dysphoria, will likely need to do more work to respond to their situation; one which improves their quality of life by, if not outright eliminating, then at least reducing their dysphoria. Their action could be considerably more involved than someone who is just happy with expression.

When you begin to get it right, you will note that things will improve considerably and your life will brighten.