Paying the piper

Neoliberalism banked heavily on the idea that open global markets would fix everything. By encouraging companies to move out of the country and set up shop in low cost locations they could increase profits and dump the salaries of their own countrymen. 

This of course has come back to haunt our geopolitical climate. 

The success of Trumpism has been its ability to concentrate societal anger against immigrants and minorities while the oligarchs continue to amass even more wealth. The latest GOP budget doesn't even bother hiding the fact that money is flowing upwards at the expense of programs meant to help the people most in need. These programs are being stretched to the limit because people don't have reliable wages to be able to survive.

It's a recipe for implosion. 

In the 1990's all this seemed like a good idea but as more people fell off the grid the backlash needed to be mitigated which is why Trump capitalized perfectly on that anger and distracted people many of who didn't understand the mechanics of what happened to their livelihoods. It didn't matter in the least that he was a buffoon if he could give his base the red meat they needed especially after the 2008 financial crisis had woken many of them up.

The rise of China can be attributed in large part to feeding the consumption of people who couldn't buy enough things when times were great and the iceberg was way off in the distance. 

However the iceberg is here and it's time to pay the piper.

Varia

No one makes coffee like Cafe Olimpico and today I tried their downtown location for the first time which turned out to be just as good as their old Montréal locale. 

Their allonge machiatto is the perfect blend of strong without being bitter. Good thing I got there by 7 am because the lineup showed up in no time. 

Yesterday my sister called me and said how proud and pleasantly surprised she was that I was going to her son's wedding. She had expected me to bow out and was thrilled that I was attending. There won't be any right wing extremists there which will help keep my blood pressure under control. I have zero patience for them and at 62 no longer have a filter for my tongue. 

The dress, the shoes, and the accessories are all chosen. I will just being a pair of flats in a bag just in case although my black pumps are low and square heel affairs. Still, you never know. 

If no one offers me a lift from the reception I will Uber home which turns out to be only a 15 minute ride to my home.

The suspended dagger

Setting ultimatums in a relationship can very dangerous and recently I reflected on this because it threatened to impact my daughter and her boyfriend. 

These are lines in the sand which threaten to end things if the other person doesn't comply. It can be viewed as emotional blackmail or in the best of cases a way to shake someone awake to the seriousness of a situation. 

"If you don't stop drinking I will leave you" could be seen as an ultimatum cloaked in good intention but still risk the other person taking you up on it. It's why I don't favor them as tactic and prefer negotiation without the suspended dagger looming overhead. 

Boundaries within the confines of relationships depend on the tolerance level of each person and some will see them crossed and not react. The respect is then possibly lost which could then signal the beginning of the end. 

Almost nothing is as complicated as the dynamics within couplehood and where diplomacy calls for much water being added to one's wine.

The illness model

The official transgender as illness model isn't new. It dates back to the 1980's with the work of Freund and Blanchard and when I googled Sasha Ayad's name it led me to her other channel where she parrots all the usual talking points on AGP and other trappings from his original work. 

I was almost fooled by Ayad's approach at first as she was advertising her new channel as wanting an open discussion and a "no dogma" approach only to discover that she is very much into dogma. I suspect it's a kind of soft pedaled conversion therapy that she's after as Jack Molay suggested. 

Do some people err when they transition? Yes. Is transition for everyone? No. However gender non-conformance isn't an illness and doesn't need curing and intervention should be on an "as required" basis. For some people their gender variance is almost pure expression and requires nothing but elimination of shame, guilt and secrecy. 

Ayad has appeared on many toxic channels (like Benjamin Boyce's who is positively obsessed with trans people) and has been associated with Lisa Littman's rapid onset gender dysphoria theory which sells social contagion the way the gay moral panic used to be trumpeted. If you hang around with transgender youth apparently they will infect others. 

The truth is that gender variance has been a permanent fixture in societies since the dawn of civilization. We can either leave people in peace or harass them until they are forced underground or to conform. 

Not gonna happen now but they keep trying anyway.

Sasha Ayad

Apologies but after doing some digging into Sasha Ayad in more detail I realized that she is a Blanchard disciple trying to repackage to be more palatable by appearing to be supportive.

I removed the videos.

If Jesus came back

James Talarico from Texas appeared recently on Joe Rogan and the comment section could have me despair if I didn't already know there were so many unwise and unkind people in the world. 

Talarico is a Democrat but also a man of faith who preaches charity and compassion. He believes strongly in a separation of church and state and that the government has no right dictating morality on people. He supports women's bodily autonomy and LGBTQ rights which of course went over with the Rogan audience like a lead balloon. 

Rogan has a right leaning audience who seem to embrace the kind of Christian nationalism which preaches both judgment and the blurring of politics and religion. These people can't be helped and will always exist and you just need to out vote them. The US is going to be increasingly hard pressed to do so in their current toxic environment. 

If Jesus came back and planted himself in the southern states he would be identified as a false prophet and crucified all over again for being a bleeding heart liberal who cares too much for the disenfranchised.

Of that I have little doubt.

Insight

Insight doesn't come overnight. No matter how intelligent we are, the process is iterative and requires living and reflecting to come up with personal answers. 

The version of me who first began writing publicly in 2012 no longer exists which is the way it should be if we are applying introspection to our lives. 

As I began to delve more deeply into the topic of gender variance I trusted no one; not even myself. There was popular internet opinion, a number of online therapists (some of whom were insufficiently versed in the topic) plus a venomous opposition largely based on hate and toxic theories with no empathy or useful intelligence behind it. 

Trying to make your way through this minefield takes time and patience because it is full of talking points and myths which must be carefully examined before they are either adopted or dispelled. 

To find out who we are requires disassembling early programming which wasn't useful; something which can take much time. The more we are distracted by other things, the more cumbersome it will be. It can sometimes feel like leaving a cult but we must carefully avoid entering a new one because popular cultural opinion can tempt us into following it without enough reflection. 

We find our way always with our thinking caps on and a healthy skepticism in tow.

MAGA cruelty

Stupid people aren't an anomaly, they are a permanent fixture...

Cleopatra

I can tell without a shadow of a doubt that I can go into a metro car at rush hour dressed as Cleopatra and there won't be an issue. However there is a caveat: you must be very comfortable in your skin because if not it will show and people can smell it. 

Recently I encountered three young women attending Comicon and I gave them kudos on their choice of lavish costumes which they were so happy to hear. Not a hint of self-conciousness existed between them. 

Know who you are and own it.

We don't want things

Japanese people don't want things anymore and if you infuse capital into the economy it stays in the form of cash and isn't spent. It is instead saved for a rainy day.

For economists their financial model is almost an enigma. 

The idea that we should always want more is what drove the American economy since its inception. GDP growth was the engine which signaled progress and prosperity even as we know that money doesn't buy happiness; at least it bankrolls our distractions until our time is up. Of course it becomes problematic when your capital lies in fewer and fewer hands over time.

The Japanese in the early 90's were a powerhouse of consumption until it all came crashing down and people woke from a fever and never returned to it. While Americans continued to feed on cheap shit from China they decided it wasn't giving them anything more. 

The story about the poor Mexican fisherman applies here I think. One day he is told by a rich capitalist that if he works hard and makes lots of money he will one day be able to retire and do exactly what he is doing now. 

How very apropos...

Keeping up appearences

The nuclear model of the family is over. Two parents, two kids, a pet, a house in the 'burbs with a nice garden with a picket fence dies with the generation of my children. 

A person of my generation was taught to aspire to it whether it fit us or not. It was what one was expected to do and we complied to the best of our ability. If you weren't made for the role you faked it as best you could like the lesbian wife of my first boss who later divorced him and married a woman which, to my knowledge, in her late 70's, she is still with. 

Even if you wanted to adopt that former middle class lifestyle you would need to be among the affluent. The idea of a stay at home mom with two kids now sounds like science fiction and if we go back to my mother's era with six of us it is beyond even imagination. 

If I prefer today it isn't because of the chaos. It is due to the transparency which allowed many of us to escape pretense even as others wished they could have what we once did: to fit in and keep up appearances that weren't always exactly as advertised.

Average citizen

Claudette doesn't know that I am transgender and after running into her and chatting for a bit about current politics she began to parrot a right wing talking point about woke culture and LGBTQ people. She didn't want to have their agenda imposed on her. 

I asked her how that was happening and of course she couldn't properly answer other than point to their increasing presence in media. 

She is in her mid 70's and I see her infrequently when I start my morning walk. She is also a nice person but not overly well versed in a lot of areas. For me she represents the average citizen of her generation who knows just enough to avoid being dangerous but could use educating. Progressive she is not but neither is she right wing. 

I do my part to question and challenge them without losing the friendly tone and they listen.

"I am a woke woman" I said as we parted ways and she laughs.

"Regarding Us"

"Regarding Us" is about a black transgender teacher named Veronica Hathaway who is outed after working  7 years at a Catholic school. She is let go being told that they weren't advised about her "choice" of lifestyle. 

Transgender actress Alexandra Grey does a fine job here in the role of the teacher being discriminated against and whose family has even disowned her. 

She befriends a little girl who needs help in gaining confidence after having trouble in school who herself makes friends with a gender questioning boy from Alabama whose family also does not understand. 

On Tubi and highly recommended.

Canceled

I could be wrong but after Paramount settled their suit with Trumpty Dumpty for $16 million one of the conditions might have been the cancelation of the late show with Stephen Colbert for in 10 months that show will no longer exist. Colbert called out CBS for capitulating to the slime ball president and three days later the cancelation was announced.

The late night comics particularly Colbert and Kimmel have been constant pains for the tangerine mussolini who was likely looking for revenge. Many will cancel their subscriptions to Paramount Plus in protest and will follow Colbert wherever he goes. 

In the end, the Trump regime will collapse but the shame of those who cooperated will remain and people have long memories.

Capitulation to a felon just gets you lifelong disgrace.

Gimme a catch phrase

"Transgender women are men" trumpets the comment which reveals to me straight away they aren't a thinker. 

The problem is that the term man carries a huge proportion of societal weight. Had they said transgender women start off biologically male or all fetuses start off female I would be more forgiving. 

Many people don't think very profoundly and hence nuance isn't their forte. The greys that this issue contains escape them completely because confirmation bias is much more important. 

What defines a man and a woman are heavily subject to historical era and particular society. In one culture men nurturing children is expected whereas in others it is anathema. These are aspects having nothing to do with biology.

But the more dense gender criticals aren't interested in the interplay between sex and gender. They just like the catch phrases.

Erase and start over

The best way to become ourselves is to erase and start over. What do I mean? 

Some of us (especially those who are older) might have kept a persona that we showed to the world and developed an outlet which tended to be secretive. The problem is that neither version is the real us and we are left fractured rather than whole. The people who this works for tend to be those whose cross gender expression is more playful than rooted in identity. 

To attempt a fix we erase what is expected of a man and a woman and we become our own creation. Cole Escola is one of them as is John McLean. 

Maybe your version includes transition and maybe it doesn't.

                       John McLean 

This has legs

MAGA is really upset. 

Many of them have lost friends and family over their Trump allegiance but the Epstein dossier just may be a bridge too far. Even far right extremist and Nazi Nick Fuentes has now disowned him. 

Trump only added fuel to the fire by insulting them and blaming the democrats for blowing up this case into conspiracy territory. 

This issue has legs and may finally snap a good portion of his base out of their stupor. 

Nothing has divided Americans like the Trump presidency. While some eagerly await an obituary others think he walks on water and was sent by God. I have never witnessed anything like this in my lifetime but it has definitely fine tuned my opinions on human nature in recent years like nothing else.

Cole accepts award

A true original...

Montréal summer vibes

The city I run around in every day 

Sneaky Pete

I'm addicted to the Netflix show "Sneaky Pete". The characters are engaging and the storyline weaves a complex web of intrigue where motives get cloudy and deceit for some is a game they can't help but play. 

Some people will do anything to score big and they sometimes trap themselves into situations where they need to think faster than is good for them. The double crosses and the lying are just part of the landscape.

Giovanni Ribisi is particularly good in this series as the lead and kudos to creators Bryan Cranston and Graham Yost have managed to give this show almost a "Breaking Bad" vibe.

I promise you'll get hooked and you can thank me later...

Jealousy

Gender dysphoria can take on overtones of jealousy; "I wish I could wear clothes like my sister", "I wish I could roughouse with the boys or play with tools", etc. Of course this used to be a more pronounced problem when we hadn't yet relaxed gender norms. 

As a result, people who grew up under a rigid binary were left wishing but unable to act other than in secrecy. This impacts psychology growing up which then needs addressing later. 

If the mitigation method they adopted remained stunted in secrecy the shame and guilt risked not being properly addressed and simply allowed to fester. The psychology could remain rooted in the idea that succumbing to the urges was doing something wrong. 

Here I should note that people with mild to no dysphoria have a shorter path to resolution since once they find a balance point the psychology takes care of itself over time. This is provided that they aren't surrounded by naysayers who make them feel worse about their inclinations. 

Youth don't develop these mental blockages regarding gender because they didn't need to spend years living in secret jealousy wishing they could be fully themselves.

The key is to honestly examine core motivation and coming to terms by applying a solution which then elevates self esteem thus maturing the psychology around the gender variance.

Rosie knew

 

Amiga mia

Julia is 10 years my junior and feels something is off everywhere. We can all tell that the world is in a bad place and it's infecting all facets of our lives. 

She works at the Toronto office sometimes from home and other times going to the site. It varies but the work doesn't and at 52 the routine is draining her as is the way things are done now in a "show me the bottom line" world. 

We became friends in 2017 when we overlapped on the same project and now we keep in touch with calls which she always begins with "hola amiga mia" 

She heartily approves my choice of dress for the wedding after I have sent it on whattsapp. 

I know the extreme heat isn't helping and the constant bad news on the international front does nothing but make our feeling of malaise worse. 

So we cheer each other up as best we can and I tell her to focus on herself. Take long walks, have coffee or lunch with friends, connect with strangers and call your amiga in Montréal when you need to vent.

Serene

Young transgender people who don't blend in all that well are noticeably calm and chill. This morning on the metro at rush hour she was standing maybe 3 feet from me and the riders were of course minding their own business. 

She wasn't immediately detectable but my radar didn't need to go into overdrive to notice her. Others possibly didn't detect or just couldn't care less.

It was the expression that I liked; placid and serene while off to work.

The meaning of clothes

The process of adopting traditionally  feminine clothing as your own is both slow and organic. It is tied into the neuroplasticity which allows you to accept your identity which moves in conjunction with expression. 

I used to think I had reached a plateau and was repeatedly proven to be wrong. After a while there was no novelty left but thankfully it was replaced with a rightness which felt much better. 

You feel right because you have addressed a gap that was there since early childhood and you become calmer in the process. 

I wasn't changing anything in my daily routine, only that the psychology which was lagging behind finally caught up.

Back in style

Alberta has the highest concentration of measles cases per capita in North America; over 1200 cases since March. 

This is not surprising given that Alberta has a high percentage of conservatives who don't trust government or science. There are more vaccine skeptics there than in other parts of the country. It's the Texas of Canada.

We used to be completely measles free but belief in science and doctors has gone down substantially.

Outlaws

Some people believe that being transgender means that you are transitioning from one sex/gender to another when instead, you are more liberating your expression and identity from the constraints of birth sex. In other words you aren't going from a biological male to a female but instead rejecting the idea that your birth sex automatically determines who you are. 

When people transitioned in the past there was no middle ground and male to female transsexuals were correct to live as much as possible in stealth to avoid rejection and prejudice. 

Here I will also add that being a man and woman have traditionally been loaded with all kinds of social obligation and expectations which have little to nothing to do with their biology. 

Today, transgender youth are more likely to live somewhere in between the old binary model because both men and women are more free to explore life outside of what were very strict gender roles. This is why they have adopted more terms for how they identify. 

Binary transsexuals who felt they had been subjected to a complete psycho-sexual inversion still very much exist of course and are part of the broad spectrum of humanity and always will be. 

So in a sense being a transgender person makes you a gender outlaw (as Kate Bornstein famously coined) where you have a public and transparent identity which necessarily exists outside the constraints of birth sex and the rules which used to govern it.

Drinking the Kool-aid

I never realized to what extent people were gullible until I became much older. I would see supposedly well educated people go into cults or believe in wild conspiracy theories forcing me to think about how this could happen. 

It was the process of adopting a belief and then working backwards to develop reasoning to substantiate it; sometimes not even that. My father taught to apply critical thinking to everything and that there could be no faith without reason. 

I think the problem with many people is that the urge to fit in overrides their critical thinking. It is why joining a religion invented by a science fiction writer L Ron Hubbard can happen. They need something to cling to even if it means mental gymnastics to explain it to themselves. Believing in Xenu is the inevitable conclusion of a process which starts off with a trickle and ends up in a waterfall. 

Everytime I pass a Jehovah's witness kiosk the instinct to want to wake them kicks in but I stop myself.

Without this basic need of humanity for connection, Jim Jones wouldn't have been able to take advantage of people and get them to drink Kool-aid laced with poison. 

Trumpism works in much the same way where the need for a savior overrides what your own eyes are telling you.

Funnel

For the longest time I said that I would never entertain any form of transition; not even a social one. I remember the sexologist Helene Cote (who I would see maybe once a year) telling me that it was usually those most adamantly opposed to it that would end up transitioning whereas many who came to the hospital program very gung-ho at the outset often backed out. 

It's an interesting process that can feel like entering a funnel. When you are at the rim you think no problem but as you near the spout you realize that at a certain point it becomes almost inevitable. 

I reflect on what being educated in a more open minded society as youth are today. They will be less likely to view their path as an increasingly constricting funnel because they have less reasons to push back. If anything, their danger might be being more gung-ho than they need to be because acceptance is so much higher despite there still being obstacles. 

Yesterday I watched a video of someone about my age ruminating on how to tell an immediate family which includes people who are adamantly against transgender people. They have struggled to get where they are after knowing from earliest memory that they had a gender issue. 

You could very clearly see that they were at the spout end of that funnel.

Patinkin on Gaza

 

Chess with a pigeon

I just love this comment which had the word idiot replaced with Trump supporter. The imagery is brilliant:

"Arguing with a Trump supporter is like playing chess with a pigeon. No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon is just going to knock over the pieces, crap on the board and strut around like it's victorious"

Loose thread

The Epstein files are proving to be an Achilles heel for Trump. His calculation that his base would go along with everything he did was misguided as many see this case as an important part of their desire to unmask the deep state. 

They love the idea of a Bill Clinton or Bill Gates being outed as part of a pedophile leftist elite but Trump's long association with Epstein is problematic for a false populist who leans much more into authoritarian narcissism. 

This case has divided the MAGA base so much that the cracks in the foundation are impossible to conceal. Pam Bondi's mistake of teasing revealing the list and then pulling back by saying it doesn't exist is going to hurt the regime dearly.

The Trump reaction on his toxic platform revealed he is petrified of discovery and I would not be surprised if this is the loose thread which finally unravels the entire garment. 

The MAGA base has a large contingent of Christian nationalist hypocrites who love inflicting cruelty on others and the Epstein drama would be their ultimate prize towards "owning the libs"thus justifying their conspiratorial instincts.

If the list gets out, then very likely it is the beginning of the end for Trump. 

The entire portrait

One of the hardest things to do in this life is to become a unique entity. Thus to detach ourselves from outside opinion and expectation and develop authenticity can be very difficult. 

On our journey to become authentic beings I point to several key aspects we should work on: 

- Self-respect 

- Transparency

- disregard for destructive opinion 

As I was working out how to grapple with my situation over the years, I realized that hiding was antithetical to both self-respect and transparency which only made me feel trapped. Once you begin to realize who you are, steps need to be taken to uphold that self otherwise you risk seeing yourself as flawed. 

I preferred to work outside of the LGBTQ bubble not only to ensure objectivity but also because I didn't agree with many of the viewpoints expressed within that community. We are first and foremost unique individuals with differing stories and perspectives.

It can be a little nerve wracking to work out your own thinking but it had to be done so that the narrative of my life could make sense. My experience had to be put into context and rationalized by finding out how much of what we absorb during our formative years has veracity. 

The cleanup phase I am finishing now is precisely about tying up any loose ends vis a vis my reading and reflecting over the years plus the final bits of reconciling my lived experience with the present. It's putting together any still missing pieces of the puzzle and integrate them into a more cohesive and solid psychological perspective of what it means to be transgender.

Up to now my life has been an iteration process in dealing with not aligning with my early formation. Finding authenticity meant incorporating all aspects of myself into the broader portrait of who I am which goes well beyond gender.

If you think you are dealing with an issue of identity, this exercise becomes pretty much mandatory particularly if you are older and came at acceptance through resistance.

Hug it out

Things have been better in the past between the US and Canada no thanks to the idiot, but this Quebec tourism add made me smile...

"I get it"

 

This week

Lots of things happened this week. 

Besides meeting Cecile on Wednesday, on Thursday I met Angela for coffee. She is leaving the company after 18 years. In her early 40's, she feels it's time to move especially since she will be able to work a hybrid week where part of the work is done at home and is getting a substantial increase in pay. 

Angela is one of the first people I came out to at work at least a decade ago. 

The same day I had lunch with Daniel who lives in Barcelona and works mostly with the London office. He is also in his early 40's and is challenged with his work life balance and told me he is seeing a therapist for it. 

Life is much faster than when I was their age. Both are very happy for me. 

I also texted with Danielle who is preparing for her August wedding. She and David have been tremendously supportive and we joked about having our dresses ready. She said she was looking forward to seeing me on the dance floor. 

My friend Sylvie has kindly offered to drive me to the wedding on August 2nd which is so appreciated since it is at the west end of the city. 

Next week I have lunch with a friend I have known for almost 40 years who is aware of my gender situation. He is yet another person I will not lose. 

The cleanup continues one day at a time as I settle into my new life outside of career and obligation. It's not an obvious adaptation but it gets better as you go along. 

There is nowhere to run but you no longer need or want to.

Leopards ate my face

I guess you get what you support...

Domino effect

All of the ingredients are there for a US implosion. The big ugly bill, the tariffs, the Epstein conspiracy, the Ukraine and Israel conflicts, the tourism decline, the ICE overreach, the 1% owning everything, the Musk tech bro threat of new party and the list goes on and on. 

It's a pile up.

As more people are affected by the incompetence and the cruelty there will a limit reached where the country reaches a dangerous precipice. The combined domino effect of all of these horrible ingredients will push things over the edge and an entire rebuild becomes obligatory. 

History never fails to repeat itself.

Biology

A synopsis of an old "Law and Order" episode ended up on my YouTube feed which was taken right out of the headlines of the past. Two identical twin boys were born where one of them experienced a botched circumcision resulting in the doctor recommending sex reassignment. 

Of course this was the exact case of David Reimer and the expert in question at the time would have been sexologist John Money who ultimately and unwittingly proved that a gender identity cannot just be the result of socialization. There must be something else involved which likely lies in biological predisposition. 

In the episode, the reassigned twin stops taking hormones and reverts to living as male once they receive the news saying "I knew it, I knew I wasn't a girl". 

How children are able to tell what gender they are is difficult to analyze because the mix of nature and nurture isn't immediately obvious but the cases of David Reimer and Abby Stein both show how you can have circumstances outside of the norm and you come away thinking there is more than exposure to social factors involved. 

One had an identity imposed on them while the other understood something viscerally and instinctively without any exposure to the outside world whatsoever.

Of course one can bend gender norms without any internal identity disconnect, which is a slightly different issue within the larger framework of gender variance.

Catch up

If you don't believe in climate change by now then there is no hope for you. We are going from 1000 year events to 100 year events and rapidly moving to the new normal. 

Texas and North Carolina just got a wakeup call with massive floods and Pakistan recently reached a temperature of 122 F or 50 C which no person should have to tolerate. Our atmosphere is storing carbon emissions which at this pace will make parts of the planet uninhabitable. Polar ice is melting at unprecedented rates. 

We only learn by force it seems and, as usual, are going to need to mitigate the damage through a panicked catchup which won't be enough to save many.

Surf's up

 

Julie

Hospice nurse Julie talks about death on her channel and gets millions of views. The discussion is frank but done with the utmost respect for a process all of us will go through. 

The comments are full of gratitude for her work but also with shared experiences of visions and strange occurences which remain unexplained. Julie has her own share of them. 

I was kneeling over my father to check for a heartbeat when he died and the experience marked me for the rest of my days with something I cannot adequately explain. It was like a surge of joy which surpassed anything I have ever felt before or since.

I think it was his gift to me.

Stubborn

I was speaking with Deanna yesterday who ended up at the CAMH (yes Blanchard's home turf) around the same time that I was at the Montréal General Hospital Gender Identity clinic in my mid 40's. We both asked them for the same thing which they could not ultimately provide: 

"Please, can you help to make these feelings go away?" 

We wanted to be who we were raised to be rather than who we were. Such is the power of programming from birth but instead, these gender clinics helped us to begin to accept. 

It then took me more years of chipping away with hesitating energy and brakes always at the ready to be certain that I was on the right track. 

Older transgender people were hard to crack while getting little to no support from those closest to us who couldn't possibly understand. 

The path of most resistance turned out to be the only way for me since I needed proof and comprehension of what I was facing. Ultimately no one else could convince me until I had done my own careful homework because I was too stubborn to succumb to what could have been self delusion.

I no longer need any proof, just some fine tuning.

We don't despair

I know it's hard to look past the insanity, the ignorance and stupidity of this awful timeline we currently live in but we need to try and find hope. Human beings don't change but their circumstances do and it can put focus on our worst aspects and magnify them. 

This era is anti-science and anti-intellectual. Experts are discounted and the opinion of idiots supercedes them which is very difficult to process if you were brought up with critical thinking and common sense as guiding principles. 

We don't just live with stupidity, we openly celebrate it which is why we are seeing the worst parts of humanity take front and center in our everyday life. Complete idiots fight for who can debase themselves the most while many of us look on in horror. 

Historically this tends to happen at the end of a cycle where chaos reigns until a new order is restored. It's as if a massive tantrum is required before the rest of us are fed up and reign in the excess. 

The new Superman movie is being hailed as woke by a radical right who need something to feed their daily outrage. The crime of the film is to play up the kindness and goodness of a character that used to represent American values but this incarnation flies in the face of their current cruelty and their stupidity and once again they are up in arms. 

The stupidest timeline.

We all need reminding

Cecile tells me not to fuss about my arms or my shoulders which is gratifying. She knows nothing of my gender history but builds me up by telling me to be proud and reminds me we are our own worst critics. I often say that here but it's nice when someone else says it to us. 

She is nice lady who values our friendship and I appreciate it her. 

This morning we took a little tour and coffee on the plateau Mont Royal and I acted as tour guide since I run around the city so much. 

It's part of the little things which bring me joy.

Unstoppable

 

The public knows

 

Milestones

I recently found a dress for the August wedding of my nephew and one of the ladies at a thrift store I frequent even helped me choose it. I tried on several before locking in on the one which fit me perfectly. 

I also needed a clutch type purse and found one. All my other purses are everyday fare and even they have been abandoned in favor of the backpack variety which is the perfect companion for someone who walks everywhere. 

The dress I chose falls just below the knee and has a slightly ruffled and draped neckline. To that I will add dangly earrings, a bracelet, ring, low heel black patent pumps and that clutch I just purchased. 

My friend Pierrette lent me a red scarf to wear on top of the dress as a shawl. I expect it will be hot so no vest over the dress. 

I would have been far more nervous going to this wedding had I not attended that retirement party of my best friend which boosted my confidence to yet another level; plus David and his bride have been nothing short of amazing with me and he even called to make sure I felt comfortable attending. My religious sister who is also attending is on board so I cannot ask for more. 

The ceremony will be held outdoors and the reception will be at a restaurant only a few kilometers from my house so I can always take public transit or a short taxi ride home if I want to leave early. However I am sure someone will give me a lift. 

There will be members of my family there which I am less close to who have never met Joanna and this will be their chance. 

Big gatherings are not really my thing, however this event will mark yet another important milestone in how far I have come which is why I so welcome it.

We screwed up

The middle class no longer exists. It got fractured and most sent off into the working class which increasingly has trouble keeping up. The tiny remainder climbed up into the affluent class which has no trouble with purchasing luxury SUVs and Porsche convertibles. 

The neighborhood of Montréal where I spent my formative years requires you spend 1 million or more to buy a house. The cars lined up in the street tell the story as do the gardens and renovations made to the mostly 1920's and 30's era homes. 

These are homes the generation of my children will not be able to afford as they will be sufficiently challenged paying rents which have increased to exorbitant levels. 

We messed up of course and we are now paying the consequences. 

We allowed a tiny fraction of the population to amass all the wealth while they threw crumbs at everyone else. They invested their money everywhere except on people who are now getting their pitchforks duly sharpened and have had enough. 

The US population is more than ready for the revolution.

Judging a book by its cover

Identity comes from within a person and is independent of how they look. This is why some people may present in a way you read as identity but aren't as attached as their appearance might suggest. In other words, looks can be deceiving. 

Some transgender people who transition may have less ability to blend into society than others who may have refined their cross gender expression to an art form and yet would never consider any form of transition. 

Identity is synonymous with investment.

This is why psychology overrides everything else and is what governs. Once you convince yourself of your identity status, the externals begin to matter much less over time (within reason) while confidence tends to increase because you know who you are.

Phoenix, Oregon

The film "Phoenix, Oregon" feels organic and warm. The characters are likeable and real and remind us of people we know; flawed, vulnerable and human. 

Bobby Hoffmann is all of us. He has dreams but not all of them worked out. He has potential but doesn't quite believe in himself and his abilities. He pines for the wife who left him years ago and writes her into the graphic novel he's been working on but is too afraid to share with the world. 

His friends have their own problems too but they are genuine and care about him. 

There is nothing telegraphed here and it's not typical Hollywood fare which is both its charm and saving grace. It's just a slice a life in a small town in Oregon and time well spent for us voyeurs. 

On Tubi and highly recommended.

The dark side

Why some people are fine with cruelty towards others as long as it doesn't impact them speaks to a fundamental dark side of human psychology. It is also the fuel that makes Trumpism run. 

Imagine being Latino and wishing those who are like you to have revenge exacted upon them. Later you are the one affected and it didn't occur to you that the inherent evil in the philosophy would touch you. 

"I paid my dues so if they end up in alligator alcatraz it's not my problem" 

Truly bizarre. 

Stupidity isn't simply the lack of intelligence but instead the ability to block out the obvious because your anger and frustration are much greater than your common sense.

Seven seconds

Recently Dove shampoo put out a seven second add featuring a transgender woman showing off her hair after using the product. 

The collective heads of the right wing exploded and they all went into convulsions promising boycotts.

Imagine having such teeny tiny pea brains such that you need to spend your time in perennial outrage. Wouldn't you get tired? 

Apparently they don't.

Surprises

Once you are past 60 there are no more obligatory targets to chase which can either feel wonderful or terrifying depending on your point of view. 

We talk about purpose and goals in life when maybe we should be thinking in terms of stability, calm and openness. Besides, life is perfectly suited and ready to detail your plans and by now we've lived it. 

In 1986 I did my first European trip with three friends who recently shared an email exchange. We were all in our twenties then and full of expectations many of which didn't turn out. Only one of our eventual marriages survived but there were other surprises in store for all of us. 

Had you told us about them then, we likely wouldn't have believed you.

Quiet desperation

In 1968 SNL veteran Molly Shannon's father had a car accident in which his youngest daughter and wife were killed. Molly who was also in the vehicle was only 4 years old at the time. He had been driving under the influence.

One doesn't ever get over that. 

He was devastated and had pleaded that he not be the one to drive after a party during which he had a bit too much alcohol. But these were the days before MADD and we thought everything would be fine. It was also the era of optional seat belts. 

Years later it came out that Molly's father had been gay all his life and used drinking as a coping mechanism. His daughter was heartbroken for him and had never blamed him for the accident. One day she confronted her father at his then age of 72 about his sexuality, the answer to the question of whether he was gay was: 

"Most definitely" 

Many people in the past lived lives of quiet desperation and did their best to exist within the boxes they were told to stay inside of.

They did their best.

Tipping point

It's invariable that the Trump regime's cruelty and gross incompetence will do them in and even hard-core members of the cult will begin to wake up when grandma loses her place in a nursing home which closes because it's no longer funded by Medicare or a handicapped son dies due to lack of health coverage. 

Approximately half of the country despises Trump but it's that hardcore 30% brain dead and self-interested cult that interests me now. 

How long will it take before their own suffering wakes them up in sufficient numbers to tip the scales?

Never apologize

I was browsing through the racks and suddenly I was at physical loggerheads with a lady about my age (maybe younger). I apologized before I attempted to move past her saying that I take up a lot of real estate being tall. 

She looked at me and said "never apologize for being who you are" 

After that we chatted briefly and compared notes on a dress she was considering before each of us moved on. 

She couldn't have been more spot on.

Piggyback

I have thought extensively over the years about how sexuality could "piggyback" itself onto gender dysphoria and I've been increasingly refining my thinking on it. 

Imagine a gender dysphoric natal male child who realizes relatively early that they want to be a girl but is then allowed to go through normal male puberty. Upon the sexual awakening and a surge of hormones, the gender disconnect/desire can become progressively tinged (or imprinted if you like) with sexual overtones. 

Now imagine that instead, we treat this child with puberty blockers and then allow for a female transition process. That disconnect is now being addressed which removes a longing that for many of us remained unfulfilled and we may have accepted without question as an illness.

Contrast this with people who might begin cross gender expression without any underlying dysphoria. The motivation could be sexual or other but there is nothing under the surface to treat other than any shame or guilt they may feel. Besides that, there would be no other reason for any intervention. 

Today we risk lumping these two situations together which is why some transitions may be unwarranted and later regretted. The case of Ray Williams is one such example as he now tries to generalize his experience as a detransitioner to others. 

Older transgender people could have and often confused any sexual overtones for perversion growing up because that is the messaging they would have received from society. Today they would instead be identified early and treated rather than left in limbo for years if not decades.

As I addressed yesterday, the problem for these older transgender people is facing the baggage from years of internalized transphobia and needing to reprogram themselves well into adulthood which I am an example of and you may be too.

The importance of warnings

 

If this was a movie

The national weather service did not predict all that rain coming down in Texas. For one thing, the Trump regime fired over 500 meteorologists as part of their DOGE initiative so they could save money to fund tax cuts for the ultra wealthy. 

Texas officials blamed the NWS for the faulty prediction which didn't inform the state that this amount of rain was going to fall so quickly.

Afterwards, the right wing echo machine was busy in spin cycle overdrive mode trying to blame wokeness and the Biden admistration for the disaster. The previous administration shall henceforth take all the blame for anything that Trump gets wrong (which is just about everything). 

The US was already burdened with an anti-science bias thanks to the radical right which made it easier to cut funding for food inspectors, the EPA, FEMA, the national park service and of course the NWS (to name only a few important departments). 

As 27 people and counting were killed in Texas, Trump was slurring his way unintelligibly through a rambling speech about shower pressure like the crazy uncle in the nursing home no one listens to. Biden was supposed to be the senile one.

If this was a movie you would have trouble selling the plot to a studio.

Trans in Trump's America

 

Stressed

Today everyone lives with stress. Our baseline level has increased because the level of uncertainty has and this is across all ages. In particular it is youth that has trepidation about whether they even have a stable future ahead. 

In the 1980's this wasn't so much a concern and we felt we had more solid options. I ended up in a career with no pauses or layoffs while today youth might expect to change careers more than once. 

I speak to everyone and get the pulse of how people are feeling. GenZ in particular is anxious about getting their lives kick started. My daughter at 27 is no exception and afte                  r already one change of direction she worries about stability.Yesterday I told her to take things one day at a time and not spend needless energy with worry as she is in good company world wide. 

Things will need to be remade in such a drastic fashion that the world I used to know will all but disappear. 

I imagine myself being born in the 1860's and witnessing life into the 1920's. The shock value would have been substantial.

Older people

I've come to the conclusion based on my own experience that the psychology of older transgender people can be greatly improved but cannot be perfectly made new. The reason for this is that too much programming went into creating the individual which, once absorbed and bought into, becomes the default coding. 

Yes, neuroplasticity can work wonders in rewiring the brain but not to the extent that we can undo all of the internalized transphobia. The result will be mixed depending on the individual situation and the social environment within the family structure they grew up in. 

The advantages that youth today have is that their exposure to a less restrictive world has given them less baggage to need to undo later in life. In other words, they can start with a healthier self image with other role models that we didn't have. They also don't need to spend as many years in hiding pretending that they don't have a gender incongruence. 

Older people will most often be left with varying degrees of success which depend on many factors. Decisions made in life prior to realizing something needed to be done about their dysphoria will often act as roadblocks to addressing it and compromises will be required. 

Coming out later in life is also not for the faint of heart and despite many fears being unwarranted it can still be a scary process not devoid of challenges. 

What I have been calling my cleanup phase has been very rewarding and yet there are still little artifacts having to do with that baseline coding which I'm fairly certain are there to stay. You realize that, no matter how successfully you have reached a formula which on paper might look tailor made for you, there is no erasing decades of personal history.

Nevertheless, the option to do nothing about your dysphoria remains easily the worst one.

MAGA ideology

 

I remember the face but..

The other day I walked into a convenience store not far from my old office. I hadn't been there since before I retired and reflexively asked the woman at the counter how she was as I recognized her. 

Turned out that she remembered the face but not the gender and then said:

"Oh hi madame how are you? I miss the old gang that used to frequent!" 

"I know but quite a few of us retired" I replied.

She wished me a great day and I did the same and walked away not having expected that  exchange at all.

We come to a point...

I was speaking with Jack Molay yesterday who I have been corresponding with since the mid 2000's. 

Our common interest has always been the science behind gender variance which became a goal as people trying to comprehend why they were gender dysphoric. We both approached the topic from an intellectual angle which greatly appealed to me.

I have gotten to know him a little and in particular since my retirement when we have taken to whattsapp calls. 

We are from the same generation and have each faced our share of challenges but it seems that things are coalescing for us both. You get to a place in your life when you begin to properly look after the self and abandon what society wants and expects of you. 

We know ourselves better and what we need which unsurprisingly is often in conflict with what we were first taught was true about life and our role within it.

We come to a point where we ask less questions and just live in the moment.

Happy 4th

Happy 4th of July to the resistors.

77 million reasons

I watch news reports from states bemoaning the lack of Canadian tourists and while some do touch on why we are so angry, most don't seem to understand to what extent we are royally pissed. 

Nevada for example voted 50% for captain bonespurs who threatens our sovereignty with his juvenile posting. Apparently we are supposed to suck it up and visit Las Vegas.

This is complete tone deafness. 

At this point you could pay for my airfare and hotel and I still wouldn't go on principle. I have 77 million reasons for it. 

I will begin to think about it after that putrid waste of skin is long gone.

Our goals

I very much like to read the comment section of gender therapist videos to understand where people are coming from. What becomes immediately obvious is that there is a lot of angst based on some metric or target people are basing themselves on. 

The most common question is "how do I know I am trans?" (as if it were some magic pill and only something you can answer) but there are many other variants. The focus comes off being yourself to some standard they are trying to meet. 

The problem with this psychology is that one is never satisfied and there will always be some flaw to be addressed. If you are always shooting for womanhood for example you fall more short of it than when you don't which sounds counterintuitive. The reason? You risk becoming obsessive and paranoid and don't relax into the self which then colors everything about you.

Men and women come in all shapes and sizes and once we drop ideas of "passing" (as someone else I gather?) we know we are on the right track. Instead we focus primarily on being genuine and authentic which increases our internal harmony and sense of calm.

Once I stopped shooting for "passing" (because I was scared) I succeeded more than I ever imagined because my only goal then became authenticity.

It turned out to be the primary thing that other people look for in us.

Lesson learned; the hard way.

Every once in a while

Every so often I get really lucky with shoes. I wear a woman's size 12 and thrift stores don't often have them but this time I hit paydirt. 

The perfect combination of comfort and feminine style in a shoe with a thick walking tread. All this for 10 bucks and the lady at the cash agreed it was a great find. 

I don't expect these finds everyday which is why I go often and take a look just in case. 

I walk a lot therefor comfort is extremely important; more than style so when you can get both at a great price you count your blessings.

A young woman came up to me yesterday and told me how much she loved them :)

Nice to meet you

 

Maverick

Zohran Mamdani is astute, well-spoken and extremely smart which is why both the GOP and the corporate Democrars are worried about his platform. 

A sweaty and disheveled Trumpy Dumpty calls him a communist and house leader Jeffries is non-commital on an endorsement because Mamdani threatens the capitalism orthodoxy of the country. He wants to take things back to a time before Democrats were corporatist and still wanted to help the disenfranchised and the working class. 

In fact the reason he won the primary was that he reached out to voters who told him what their main concerns were. Some of those people were Trump voters in more conservative burroughs of NYC.

He is unabashedly progressive and wants to help make New York a more affordable place to live and improve life for as many people as possible. This is of course anathema for Democrats who take envelopes from big corporate donors. 

If Mamdani is allowed to start a fire which cannot be extinguished it will spell doom for many politicians which is why they are going to throw everything at him plus the kitchen sink.

Predictable

If I were to select a random sampling of the global population I would find repeatable patterns. Some people would have diabetes, others lung cancer and others would have red hair or be intersex (which have the same frequency of occurence at approximately 2%). 

There would also be cases of anomalies where the person is almost one of a kind in the combination of traits that defy any level of expectation. 

When we end up with levels of predictability in percentages with consistency it shows that these people are not accidents. They form part of not "things that can happen" but "things that will happen" with certainty. 

Historically, marginalized groups were painted as outcasts because they didn't fit within official political or religious narratives. Thus if you were gay you were expected to repent and agree to conversion therapy or perhaps an exorcism. Never mind that they belonged within a statically predictable norm. 

Abbey Stein grew up in a Hassidic community with no access to television or internet and yet was one of those predictable statistics with a story that matches many others.

The banality of cruelty

One of Lawrence O'Donnell's best...

It passed

Of course the big ugly bill passed because the GOP politicians are petrified of Trump and his mindless cult which is ready to take bullets for him.

17 million people will now progressively lose their health care and many will die.

Cuts to child nutrition programs, cancer research and other services being cut were always part of the plan. This is not an isolated incident and will continue the decline already well underway. As the public slowly begins to feel the cuts to their services they will realize they made a drastic mistake by voting GOP or not having bothered to vote at all.

In the end complacency is what does countries in and democracy dies as moral panics and injustice work their way through the society like a wildfire.

For the rest of the world the Trump regime is a pariah we want nothing to do with. We will be making other arrangements to distance ourselves and steer clear of the madness and the cruelty.

It will be sad watching all those personal stories of loss and grief as the realization sets in.

Don't wait for the world

Some people think they need to understand others or relate to them to be able to accept them which is pure idiocy. 

I don't need to be able to relate to the exact experience of someone who has been assaulted to have empathy for them. Just as I also don't need to understand why my niece is a lesbian to accept her. 

If we wait for the world to come to its senses we will be waiting a long time because it will never happen. You need to claim your space and live within its constraints. 

My mother wondered aloud what the bride's extended family might think of this woman they don't know (referring to me) at the coming wedding of my nephew in August. 

I told her that what people think of me is none of my business or my concern.

Voice

Finding yourself with too much time on your hands can be disorienting and I knew that many people I used to work with wouldn't take well to retirement. 

I just received news that a high level manager I've known for years went to work for another firm as a consultant. He is pushing 70 but his identity is too much entrenched in his career to be able to adjust to falling into the void. I had predicted as much and so the announcement was not that surprising. 

Retirement forces you into questions of identity. It begs that you answer the question "who are you?" If you hadn't already answered it beforehand. The constant obligation which spurs action distracts for a while until there are no distractions left. 

Those who think travel and hobbies fill that void are mistaken because they are not a "raison d'etre". They are activities which aren't helpful when we are awake at night, the mind is tempted to race and asks the deep questions about our purpose in life. 

I read that not everyone has an inner dialogue running in their head and I discussed this recently with my son who is a thinker. That voice which is constantly running in the foreground or background serves as the origin of my writing. 

It is also in the silent moments when it is the loudest.

NB: Happy Canada day to my fellow Canucks:) elbows up!

Cruelty is the point

Instilling fear so you don't say anything or push back against injustice....