By a thread

Life is fragile

Propaganda

Sam Seder points to the pablum fed by Fox News numbskulls to their hypnotized audience. Autistic people need not worry now that RFK Jr is on the case....

Decency

Jimmy Carter was a decent man during an era when it was still in vogue to be that way. You could argue with his policies but never doubt his sincerity or his desire to do good for his fellow human beings. 

It is a measure of how far we have fallen to witness who is next in line to ascend to the presidency.. 

It's not that human beings are any smarter or dumber than ever before. It is that we have now simply allowed our cover to be blown and openly celebrate our ignorance and stupidity instead of keeping it to ourselves.

Revolutions

I don't have new year resolutions. The only one I have is self improvement. I want to be calmer, more patient, less anxious, kinder, less self-critical, more present and authentic. 

Human beings are complicated and if we don't have enough problems we will seek them out and lose sleep. It seems we aren't made to be at peace with ourselves and with the universe. 

However we can certainly try.

It need not be a trap

I am not pretending to be a woman; I am myself. That decision must be made in the mind and settled on. 

You could say that I accidentally became a woman to the public over time as I treated my dysphoria increasingly seriously and confidently. The title is far less important than respecting my core and I am not obliged to explain my situation constantly to perfect strangers. If people assumed it, I just let them. 

I have sometimes later confided in others when we became closer and my instincts told me it was right. 

This can become a dilemma in the mind if we let it. For binary transsexuals in the past, becoming a woman was mandatory to attempt to lead a normal life because divergence from the binary was just asking for trouble. Plus they felt certain in their gut that they had been subject to a mistake of nature. 

Today many people who feel ambiguous about gender and its demands are less worried about the concepts of man and woman and what they entail. They settle on some formula of how to live in between or decouple from the obligations entirely as binary rules relax. 

Dysphoria does not demand medical transition from everyone and even then not everyone has the means or the possibility to follow that path. What they can do is find their best way to treat it and become more themselves in the process. 

They can decide that gender need not become a trap.

Record high

This doesn't surprise in the least...

Alice, darling

"Alice, Darling" is about abuse. No, not the physical kind but more of the mental anguish variety. 

Simon controls Alice but she has somehow bought into it. She is convinced he loves her but something doesn't feel right because there are panic attacks and she pulls small tufts of her hair out. She is trying to be perfect for someone who exerts his judgement on her every move and pronouncement. 

When she lies to him about a girl's trip is when things begin to be revealed to others and ultimately  to herself. 

On Netflix and recommended.

Naughty Nana tells it like it is

 

Less worry

I am less worried about my son than I used to be. For one thing, he increasingly shows signs of his grandfather's calm composure and intelligence. When you speak to him his 24 years lived suggest an older soul who reflects before he speaks. 

It takes time to understand ourselves and our place within society but I tell him to continue to be reflective and it will come. If he persists in his study of the self he will learn some fundamental truths which will guide him through life. 

He will begin to learn to temper the existential angst we all share.

Envelope

I've said this a million times but now it's been fully field tested: the only way to know for sure where you need to land is to push the envelope. 

Being constrained is like having training wheels on a bike. They hold you back from speed but also keep you stable. When you remove them you can go faster but can also fall off and hurt yourself. 

For some, constraints are a hindrance, for others they provide safety guardrails and for others still, their formula works just right and they feel balanced. However, you will know nothing for certain without field testing and deep introspection.

Living full time will lose its buzz after a while but if it is soothing your gender dysphoria it will feel like a tonic. There is no more euphoric build up to an outing because your outings are now your daily life. At the same time if this is right for you, it will feel right in the belly and going back to where you were will feel almost impossible. 

Older transgender people who have put off dealing with dysphoria through being busy or via denial may find retirement difficult because, once off the hamster wheel, there is no more place to hide.

On her way

 

Ignorance

People give off vibes and at this age I can read them better than ever. We give off our own which is why it is important to tap into and relax into the self. 

Everyone wears a mask and the more we do, the more cumbersome life can be. Maintaining it requires effort which is wasted on keeping up a false image society forces us into. 

We can forget how even nuances can be detected which why being at peace with our core translates into calmer facial expressions and body language that others can read. 

I worked on the psychology much more than anything else and got where I am after having decided that we have a right to life, liberty and happiness in the open. It was punctuated by confirming (as I grew older) that easily half of society is composed of the deeply ignorant even if not all of them wish us harm.

But ultimately, that is their problem and not mine.

"I can't help it"

Of course we've all seen this before. An older gender variant person on a message board or blog states that they don't understand their need for cross gender expression but that they must engage in it. 

This speaks to me of having very deeply ingested that so called "normal" behavior excludes them. They have bought entirely into their childhood programming and identified their need as an itch that needs scratching. For people educated under a strict binary this is unsurprising. 

What can complicate matters is that motivations vary. On the one hand you have the typology who say "I know I am a man, have no issue with that but this is a needed outlet". Conversely you have those less sure who settle for occasional cross gender expression when there could be issues of unexplored core identity. They just don't have the luxury of exploring it for their own reasons. In each case, there is a difference of investment. 

Youth is far less likely to think that "they can't help it" because their indoctrination has been less severe by leaps and bounds. They are more prone to say "this is who I am so deal with it".

Unrest in the ranks

The recent comments from Elon Musk about H-1B visas and immigration have gotten under the skin of MAGA cultists who hate immigrants especially those with dark skin. This is what happens when your movement is based on an unholy alliance of diverging interests. Smells more like class war between tech bros and Kool-aid cultists to me.

Musk is an opportunist who clings to Trump for business interest but people like Steve Bannon are part of the hard core group of radicals who want a dictatorship so they can radically change the country. 

There hasn't been a swearing in ceremony and the clown car is already in full swing. Even afterwards, since Trump is an idiot he will have trouble controlling the different factions and interests.

Governing will be difficult and almost every day there will be something which makes people wince. There will be reversals and I can see the potential for some members of congress to grow a spine and vote against the orange menace and his cabal. There will be inevitable infighting because that is what happens when you give the reins of power to crazy people who care more about their own agendas and egos than the health of the country as a whole. 

Plus, the Trump base is made up largely of hateful, frustrated and low information people who don't understand history or the political process and can be easily manipulated which makes them erratic and dangerous. 

Ultimately, that's never going to end well.

Nostalgia

 

Squid game

Season 2 of Squid Game features a transgender character although the role is not played by a transgender actor.

In an interview with TVGuide.com published on December 17, the writer and director of the show (I'm watching it now) said that while he initially hoped to cast a transgender actor for the role, it was “near impossible” to find an out transgender performer in South Korea.

No kidding. North Korea would be even worse.

Nevertheless, progress is progress and we'll take it

Motivations

I talk often about motivations for expressing gender variance and here is an example of a particular strain. Vlad is a young man who does this exceedingly well and puts tremendous effort into his presentation under the premise of fooling others. The shtick is to have those moments where he suddenly lowers the voice and shocks people by revealing that he is indeed not a real woman. 

He doesn't just do the occasional video. He does an awful lot of them. 

My spider senses were tingling and I came to some conclusions about the psychology which might be involved. As a young man who may have some need for feminine expression there is nothing safer than doing so under the cover of comedic subterfuge. "Me enjoy wearing the dress? No dude I just do this for views" he might say to us. But that wouldn't quite ring true for me. 

Packaging up the internal "woman" under a thin veneer of machismo works well as a vehicle to not be unduly questioned by his audience regarding his sexuality or gender identity. They may not be as keenly tuned to what may be going on here under the surface which is an outlet for expression which works for him and feels safe because deep down he is a "real man".

There is no harm here other the potential dangers he exposes himself to in his reveals but what there is underneath is very interesting psychology.

You be the judge

Mandatory

I have reflected on why it can take us so long to not care what people think. But then we remind ourselves that indoctrination begins early and we are taught to measure up by comparison. We watch others behave and are told to emulate and follow in their footsteps. 

Whether this is right for us or not is immaterial. Thou shalt be assimilated. 

At this age I only care about the opinion of people I respect and who are close to me. What the general public thinks is completely irrelevant and it has freed me. I don't look around to see who is looking unless someone is rude and then sometimes I pass on a message when I am in the mood.. 

Liberation from public opinion is pivotal for full self-actualization when you aren't transgender. But if you are, it becomes mandatory.

A year in review

Sylvie asks me if I am satisfied with my 2024 and I answer in the affirmative. I have become calmer and that in itself is a feat for me. 

Retirement can be quite an adjustment but it has saved me by allowing me to become fully authentic which for me made it very much worthwhile. She tells me that she is looking for more purpose but I tell her it will come with time. I suggested she try different things until something feels right. 

My own approach has been to fill the void with music, art, long walks and meeting friends to catch up over meals or coffee. Writing this blog is also part of my prescription although it is less mandatory than it once was. It is much less therapy than habit prompted by my interest in various subjects (including of course gender variance in all its forms). 

I feel better in my own skin than at any other point in my life which is why, personally, 2024 was not a bad year at all.

Division in the ranks

The American online left is having some battles. After having lost to Trump they are trying to decide how to navigate the two political streams of fighting for cultural progress and economic populism. 

The Luigi Mangione saga found general concensus along all political stripes that for profit health insurance is helping to kill some people. This issue unites most but there are cultural issues which remain wedges and have been used by the right as strawmen to distract from their master plan of maintaining oligarchy. 

Some on the left want economic populism which also includes fairness for all (a la Bernie Sanders) but others on the more moderate left want to concede what they call the more radical positions such as, you guessed, transgender rights petitions which they argue go too far. 

When TYT's Ana Kasparian took issue with the term "birthing person" on Twitter it started a firestorm. Never mind that no one was calling her that but suddenly the right was cheering her on while leftists admonished her. She dug in her heels and the battle lines were drawn. 

Cultural issues have become the kindling used to light fire and this one incident exposed the cracks in what was thought to be a united progressive movement. TYT has now decided to focus on economic populism and risk losing support from the left flank who does not want to compromise their battle for human rights. 

Those on the "progressive middle" are hedging their bets and going for universal health care, paid family leave and fair living wages as they seem to cozy up to a MAGA movement that seems to subsist on cultural hatred as fuel; something which the GOP seeded during the southern strategy.

Stay tuned.

That didn't take long

This is just the start of more to come and I'm here for it...;)

Back to oil painting

Keeping active and creative ;)

Cleaning up

The geopolitical mess we are in will take at least a decade to begin to repair. The world is being remade with the nature of work, human relationships and global economics all being evaluated at their core. It took decades to make this mess which is why I don't suggest anyone hold their breath. 

I am often astounded how simplistic some people are when it comes to political issues given how the world is constructed in domino chains. When one nation sneezes it is invariably felt by others. Supply chains and alliances are fragile things and must constantly be examined to test their stability. 

Changing one president for another sometimes increases the damage but does not necessarily or easily destroy a much more complex global network already in place. Yes, an idiot man-child in the white house will kick sand in the air and there will be repercussions, but the rest of the world needs to focus on the task at hand and carry on.

Until the next time

I tried very hard to be the person whose biggest challenge was going to a Christmas party or Halloween in drag, then put the woman back in a trunk and go back to normal life. However I had misdiagnosed myself. I knew it deep down but hoped it was true nonetheless. 

I am very happy for people who can do this but I am just not one of them. 

There is more to it for me.

She's leaving home

The last bit of cleanup for older transgender people often involves those who knew us before and have certain expectations. They thought they knew the real you and they did, but only in part. 

The other day I watched a video of a young man discussing why he didn't like to go home for Christmas. He wasn't transgender but the analogy felt the same in that he noticed people were expecting him to be his old self except that he had changed. He had grown as a person considerably since leaving home and returning made him feel uncomfortable especially when comments were made which reinforced the realization that people were not recognizing that change. 

People can't help it and their obtuseness can come from focusing on their own lives which is why we need to live ours. We can draw a line in the sand and decide we are going to live our authenticity and not be impacted by those who feel uncomfortable with it. They don't live inside our skin and cannot understand why we have changed. 

Transgender people can have a habit of being apologetic and bend the knee to find acceptance from others. But we need to be careful not to lose sight of who we are in the process just to make others comfortable.

Over a number of years I have increasingly made friends with people who don't know my gender history which has been great for my self esteem and identity reinforcement. But tying up loose ends with our history can feel like a chore especially if the bond with those people is not overly strong. However it doesn't have to be harder than it needs to be if people are willing to come and meet us where we live because they want to know the real us.

Greener pastures?

Trolling

The idiot suggested that Wayne Gretzky run for Canadian PM. As expected, all of the intelligence and judgement of a fruit fly are on display.  It's all about popularity and notoriety; never mind experience.

It's going to be a long 4 years.

An original

One psychological trick which can maybe be helpful is to think of ourselves as an original. Rather than find solace within a herd, we can imagine ourselves as a unique individual within the human mosaic. The reason this might be useful is that it avoids or at least simplifies the chore of self-labeling which can be exceedingly complex especially if one does not reside religiously within the confines of the binary but are still exploring core identity.

I always stress that psychology is the number one thing to look after and how one processes their divergence clearly falls within this realm. As society increasingly divulges its true diversity, it becomes important not to necessarily pigeon hole ourselves within a particular sub-grouping or label; unless of course we want to for comfort and support.

For me feeling free to be more objective as I discovered myself became increasingly important over time. Maybe thinking in a more expansive way will help you too.

Remember that a label does not replace or dictate an action plan.

Simple questions

 

Where we can go wrong

The way I finally got my gender dysphoria in check was to unite my animas (as Jung might like to hear me say). Rather than have an exclusively male and exclusively female character running around, I fused myself into one being with a solid mixture of mostly feminine but some masculine traits and came out to people (well mostly came out :)).

We can get confused and think that our expression dictates identity. "I like to wear women's clothes ergo I am a woman" could be what we say to ourselves but then, lots of women don't like to wear "women's clothes" or makeup. They have a big range of expression within their ranks only that it has been traditionally larger than men's used to be which obviously has been changing. 

Make no mistake; gender dysphoria is very real and, presuming you have it, demands an action plan which is unique for each person depending on its severity. This requires deep introspection to figure out.

However, when it comes to expression (including manner of dress) which was pretty much societally enforced, there were many people who viscerally rejected but nevertheless capitulated for the sake of conformity and escaping ridicule. 

Society has tended to like their sheep obedient except that more and more they are escaping the confines of the pen.

We can fix this

The last 200 years have seen more technological progress than the preceeding 1,000. For most of our history people toiled just to put food on the table and struggled with diseases we now take for granted which cut their lives short. However, despite leading safer and more sedentary lives we seem to be less content than before. 

There's too much time to think about how restless we are as humans and anxiety and depression have risen as a consequence. Our disconnect from face to face social interaction has helped feed isolation and paranoia. 

There is an antidote but it will take time to rebuild the infrastructure we have lost. People will need to find each other again in a spirit of community with a common mission to save our world from climate disaster, corporate greed and runaway income inequality.

We can do it.

God rest ye Merry Billionaires

 

Weird

Here is something which won't surprise you: people are weird. We have obsessions, odd habits, idiosyncrasies, neurosis, fetishes, addictions, compulsions and anything else you can imagine. We also like to know we aren't the only ones with a particular penchant for something. 

I think about psychology and the normalization of things as society progresses. Decades ago homosexuality was considered a mental illness and yet it has been a consistent subset of humanity as far back as the dawn of humans; the same goes for gender variant behaviour. Finally, we settled on the idea that personal suffering would be the barometer to gage whether something fell into the category of illness. 

As it turns out "normal" refers to statistical standard that most people fit into but was actually measured based on life lived on the surface. If we measured behaviour behind closed doors as well as propensity we would get less uniform results. For example, there are gender variant people who only practice it behind closed doors and would never admit to it. This is the way western society functioned for millennia. 

Living in a society filled with fear of judgement encourages anything considered aberrant to stay below the surface. When the Kinsey studies came out in the late 1940's we saw that sexual orientation existed on a spectrum. Harry Benjamin showed the same with gender expression and identity. 

Yet even within these subgroups there are people that stretch beyond the level of comfort of what has been deemed acceptable for membership in a club of faithful already christened with a name and description.

They are considered too weird even for the rest of us weirdos.

Hopeful

It's almost the end of 2024 and I am in a reflective mood. Reaching this age can potentially leave you dismissive and cynical and yet I am not. I have hope that the world will be fine; that there are enough checks and balances built in that allow us to keep our worst instincts sufficiently subdued. 

What is interesting is that as my personal life has improved the global climate has worsened. But what helps keep my spirits up is dealing with people at the ground level and meeting them where they are. If I have a little wisdom to share I am happy to do it plus they teach me about both tolerance and patience.

A life without challenges and introspection is one with less personal growth. We don't just want to exist but to live. This does not mean burning the candle at both ends and never looking up but to live in the moment and be truly present to it; to observe the little details which bring us closer to the best parts of our humanity which is where we find true connection.

Merry Christmas.

Le 24 decembre

 

To binary or not

One thing I have noticed with transgender and non-conforming youth is that they aren't necessarily all stuck on the idea of aspiring to stay within the gender binary. What I mean is that "passing" or being regarded as one of the two sexes is less a goal than simply being authentic. This means that some are not at all worried about looking more androgynous and being accepted on their own terms by being free of previous binary constraints.

Also, one of today's more interesting realities is that I am far less likely to identify a young transgender woman simply because she will have started her transition so early as to seamlessly blend into the fabric of society without detection. This applies to young transgender men as well. 

Youth today adopts a blend of expression and identities openly and free of shame and stigma. This is true regardless of whether they aim to fit within the gender binary or snub their nose at it and go their own way somewhere in between.

The overarching point is that they don't care what you think and God bless them for it.

I believe in Father Christmas

RIP Emerson and Lake...

Mind your manners

Despite me being very high on openness and being nice, some people look bitter and frustrated and will sometimes give you the once over with odd or dismissive stares.  

I'm too old to put up with their lack of manners and I have disdainful looks to fit the occasion. Being a shrinking flower is not an option on this planet and I will glare back or pretend they don't exist depending on my mood.

The odd time I will be walking down the street and someone standing there will look straight at you as you approach them (I don't care the reason). My dismissive glance makes them look away every time without fail.

It speaks volumes.

Because their lack of manners is not my problem.

Half way

I just had a lovely conversation with a young woman of 30 and once again she confirmed for me what I love about their generation. She had beautiful caramel colored skin, a lovely smile and brilliant expressive eyes. I suspect that her family came from the Caribbean although I did not ask. This part of Montréal has a significant demographic from that region.

As I ordered my cappuccino we began to converse as it was quiet and I was the only customer. I suspect that many are running around scrambling with last minute gift purchasing. 

We got to talking about how the world has changed and how her parents' generation (my own) differs from hers. I tell her how I love their freedom to be themselves and ignore what society tells they are obliged to do. 

She gets around to telling me that I should be proud to be a tall woman after I mentioned that during my time it, depending where you were, it would have been cause for remarks and stares. 

As I leave she tells me how glad she was we spoke and we wish each other a Merry Christmas. 

We are open with the world and the world meets us half way.

No going back

For you there is no going back and that is how you know you are not erring. If you take slow deliberate and well thought out steps over many years towards authenticity it fully reveals itself to you eventually. There have been no rash decisions along the way which is further confirmation you are on solid ground. 

Everyone has their own path. 

My natural femininity has been fully incorporated into my life in a subdued, mature and understated fashion which suits a person like me best. It has been embraced to fit inside the full schema of my humanity which takes into account my lived history.

After so much trial and error, at age 62, it was about bloody time.

My 88 year old mother asked me the other day if I am finally okay with who I am and I couldn't have been happier that she asked.

Pipe night

 

Extreme survival

 

In trouble

Traditional organized religion is in trouble. Not just in America but all over the world. Churches used to be filled with worshippers and are now being closed and buildings sold and converted to other purposes. As society became increasingly secular, people decided to go in other directions for guidance. 

There isn't one simple explanation but it must be said that religions have had a colored history of embarrassing episodes full of human error. Alignment between European monarchies and the clergy persisted for hundreds of years and controlled the population by asking them to capitulate to God and king lest they face damnation. 

As technological advances increased, people became less dependent on simplistic messaging and wanted more meaning beyond sermons on gospel stories they had heard repeatedly since childhood. Yes, the message of Christ is compelling and yet it wasn't enough to fill the pews any longer. 

My own personal history follows a path which culminated in abandoning rigid dogma for a more wholistic view which required acknowledging that we know very little. I was no longer going to hang my hat on the same belief system that worked for me as a young person. Some religions have also not adequately kept up with societal change and stubbornly held on to inflexible traditions which some felt excluded them.

People have also become less community oriented and more insular thanks to technology.

Another thing which hasn't helped is the infiltration of political dogma within the framework of religion. In the US some preachers encourage their flock to vote republican lest they fail God by adopting dangerous leftist ideas which Christ himself clearly lauds in his teachings. This is repugnant but not unexpected in a world which has lost its ability to separate what Caesar and God are each entitled to....

When their guard is down

Most people are kind. 

It's when you talk to them openly and with a smile that you get to see the best of them when their guard is down. If you are open with them they will do the same with you. 

Growing up I learned to protect myself because in my time there was a lot of public judgement over difference and so I braced myself by developing the readiness of a nasty bite I no longer require. 

Today's youth in particular see themselves differently and they embrace regardless of what they look like. They also exude a confidence that speaks to having been raised less weighted down by strict adherence to the societal gospel of hypocrisy many of us who are older were indoctrinated under. 

I so love them for it.

Warts and all

Some gender variant people look down on their own kind because they don't measure up to a standard that they want to project. But here is the rub: gender variant people are a subset of humanity with the same flaws and strengths as the general population. In other words, we are as intelligent, dumb, reasonable, patient, kind or superficial in equal measure. 

I suspect this aggression is sourced in personal insecurity regarding being judged in comparison to the people they criticize. But they are are wasting their time expecting everyone to meet some standard other than hoping that they be good people themselves who always try to do right by others which is by far the best way to curry favor with the general population. 

One of the reasons I expanded my thinking regarding the term "community" is that I feel it should apply to society as a whole. 

Yes, warts and all.

Devil's advocate

Playing devil's advocate even with ourselves is sometimes a good way to understand something. It helps keep us grounded and realistic and avoid the potential of deluding ourselves. 

I have always taken this approach with myself as a check and balance before coming to any conclusion. The alternative is to write a false narrative that could harm us down the road. 

I don't play devil's advocate for fun but instead as a path of resistance to first make sure I have examined all angles.

Call it the engineer in me.

Keeping things simple

If you want to know why I stopped focusing on terminology it is this.... 

Gender queer

Non-binary

Gender non-conforming

Bigender

Agender

Gender fluid

Genderqueer 

If you asked different people what these terms mean, you would not unexpectedly get slightly different answers. Some might even shake their head and have no idea at all.

These terms and undoubtedly more I may have missed, replaced what were ostensibly only two terms of transvestite and transsexual from the early to mid 20th century. It should be said that most of the terminology I showed are for people in various stages of transition and expression and not binary transsexuals (some of whom now use transgender woman as identifier).

The reason for this terminology expansion is that humans are complex creatures as are their feelings and when you liberate them socially they will try and apply labels to describe themselves as well as to find kindred spirits. 

Therefore, rather than get mired in terminology, I now only consider and reflect exclusively on two key aspects: 

1) source or primary motivation for gender variance

2) how it is lived along with impacts on psychology.

That's it.

Rainbow capitalism done

I'm a fan of Vaush although I don't watch him as often as I used to. At 30, he has the style and communication skills of someone much older largely I think because of his intellect.

He has been a big supporter of transgender people and here he discusses how under Trump's dumbed down version of America it's far more likely that visibility will drop. Pixar has apparently decided that it isn't worth their while to feed the outrage machine of the knuckle draggers by removing their ammunition altogether....

Going for a test drive

 

Doubt

Doubt is an inevitable component of the life of every person but one almost ever present in the minds of transgender people in particular. How to navigate our gender dysphoria can become a lifelong mental discussion which can go through peaks and valleys. 

This post is prompted by recently reading the comment section of a gender therapist video filled with a mixture of trepidation, joy and doubt.

It's invariable that I need look no further than the comment sections of videos. The angst that it can instill in individuals who agonize over how far to go with all this can make for very complex introspection. 

I have gone through many phases in my life beginning with complete denial and moving through the various stages of self-acceptance which culminated in where I am today. Despite this being my best juncture to date, no one is completely free of doubt which simply confirms our humanity. What we want is to always go back to fundamentals and ask how this journey began in the first place which, for many if not most of us, manifests itself in early childhood. 

Whether we choose medical transition or not is less important than the acknowledgement that our disconnect deserves addressing with both serious and meticulous intent; tweaking perenially as we go along. We acknowledge that it is not a game of dress up or a sport and that it deserves the respect that a mature mind is particularly well suited to provide.

The rest of the formula is up to us.

Stoic

Epictetus, Seneca and Marcus Aurelius were the most known of the Stoic philosophers. Their mantra was about self-control, wisdom, balance and discipline and that harmony with nature and with oneself is important. Control of emotions using reason and understanding what we can and cannot control is a bedrock of their belief system. 

What I like about stoicism is its embrace of discipline and balance and dampens emotional volatility. It encourages us to keep our boat steady and live with integrity, justice, temperance and wisdom. 

This week a car veered into a crowd of Christmas marchers in Germany injuring at least 60 people. Presumably it is a sign of our more perturbed and volatile times where desperation does nothing but increase.

The world could use a little of their calm.

One silver lining

 

Capitulation

Capitulation to Trump has already begun. It happens in every country when an authoritarian enters the picture and suddenly fear installs itself. Hitler's rise to power was enabled because many people capitulated thinking things wouldn't get as bad as they eventually did. 

Today we are once again in divisive times which have tested the strength of family and friendship bonds over issues that people hold dear. The level of morality of others is being weighed by their vote for an integrity-challenged criminal and seen as a sign of their own questionable character. 

This is hard to argue with. 

Imagine standing by while watching attrocities happen and thinking it was just normal politics. While we still have a way to go to get to that level of depravity that Nazi Germany eventually descended to, clearly the type of hateful rhetoric that Trump inspires has emboldened the worst instincts of the lowest common denominator. To be clear, the KKK and the alt-right doesn't vote for Harris but gleefully did so for Trump who more adequately speaks their language.

Capitulation by those who previously criticized him may not be quite as bad, but it certainly doesn't inspire us to look up to them either.

Driving home for Christmas

 

"Our true selves"

When I read the phrase "our true selves" I ask myself what philosophically that is supposed to mean but I am presuming that it refers primarily to authenticity. 

For gender variant people that objective might involve needing to medically transition while for others it could mean expressing themselves without regard for societal constraints which are two different responses. Neither of them is the wrong one.

Some, given the freedom to transition, wouldn't necessarily take it but would that mean they weren't being sufficiently true to themselves? 

I would argue that the phrase "our true selves" should stand primarily for respecting one's core without fear and regard for what a fickle public thinks.

A very relaxed Napoleon

I have noticed that some older gender variant people make a huge production number out of interacting with the public which only serves to add nervousness and anxiety for no good reason. The best approach is to downplay it and pretend you aren't even presenting differently. 

Never mind what you wear. Focus primarily on being yourself which presumably your clothing doesn't change and it will greatly increase your field of view. 

I am only too familiar with the exciting buildup of the outing particularly if they are few and far between because of life constraints. The result for me during those days was that they often ended up being less fulfilling due to excessive self-conciousness and over planning the details.

Yes, today I live differently but even towards the end of my previous way of living, I found much more pleasure in the spontaneity of surprise and relaxing into the moment with far less mental buildup. 

Today you could be dressed like Napoleon Bonaparte on the bus and no one would care. The key is to make sure you are a very relaxed and confident Napoleon.

Remember that people only want to see you be genuine. So be that.

I can assure you that they can tell.

The examined life

Rewiring the brain is possible but it takes effort. The more we are entrenched in a way of thinking and doing, the more difficult the change will be. For older people it can be particularly challenging to break habits and form new neural pathways which could improve our life quality. 

Of course transgender people are a great example of needing to break childhood programming to achieve authenticity but everyone on this planet has habitual patterns they could break and in do doing improve wellness. 

The only way is to challenge preconceived ideas and examine them carefully. Why we feel the need to persist with them must be studied and we can test making small changes to see whether benefits arise in our new psychology. If we are correct in our change, the improvements should make themselves known bit by bit. 

The examined life will be more fruitful than the one not being evaluated and fine tuned.

Misery

Tax cuts for the rich, reduction of social security, medicaid and maybe ACA coverage plus tariffs (if they are indeed followed through with) will be disastrous for the average American citizen. Unfortunately many voters did not realize or believe this is what they were getting with their Trump vote. 

Many will come to regret doing so or bizarrely, will double down just to "own the libs" 

When you blind poll people regarding his policies the results are that they are very unpopular which should hardly surprise. Attach them to Trump and suddenly things change. There is no rational explanation for this.

It's been attributed to Churchill that he once said "the best argument against democracy is to spend five minutes with the average voter" 

Whether he said it or not, it isn't wrong. Good thing then that Trump's own natural stupidity and arrogance will be assets towards undoing his own objectives.

Mess

The top of my bedroom dresser is more than a little messy. I have some of my jewelry, cosmetics, face cream, nail polish remover, etc. It's the next little project to sort this out into a more organized system. 

Thankfully the clothing and shoe situation is considerably better.

This cleanup is next on the to do list

Leavin' Canada

Poor Jordie. His neighbors don't like him much so....

Slacking Bad

 

The same gospel

I was speaking with an ex-colleague who is a highly motivated right winger. I call him that because he has all the talking points down pat. He pays too much tax, he is skeptical of vaccines, he values individual freedom, etc. Apparently they all read from the same gospel. 

I find them predictable and tiresome and once again I found his argumentation devoid of historical context. It's always about what Biden or Trudeau did wrong versus what Trump and Pollievre will do right which ignores what happened over the last 40 years. 

The health of any society is measured by the state of the working class and not by how many millionaires exist within it. If people are working two jobs and living in their car this is a barometer that all is not well. But don't bother conservatives who tend to view the world myopically. It is about them first and the peasants can maybe get their scraps provided they show enough effort. 

These people fatigue me and I am often called upon to explain how miscalculations in globalization efforts under Neoliberal policies got us here all of which go back several decades. But they persist and tell me how Trump will fix things once in office. They think individualism and not collectivism which for them is akin to communism.

I tell him that within a year I will be able to say "I told you so" as Trump once again flounders repeatedly because (insert drum roll) he is an idiot.

Our own Canadian idiot is waiting in the wings.

Don't bother me with facts

The gender critical movement is virtually devoid of expertise but what they do have in its place is plenty of hate which is supposed to be a stand in for knowledge. People like Helen Joyce, Kathleen Stock, JK Rowling and others hide behind an argument of protecting the public from a movement which, according to them, threatens to spread and infect civilized society like a wildfire.

If one had never met a transgender person one could deduce their existence using rudimentary logic by simply observing nature. Yes, intersex people are an undeniable reality which cannot be argued with and whose number match those born with red hair. But because those who question sex and gender show no obvious physical signs, it becomes a point of attack for the highly motivated and simple minded.

That a whopping 1% of the population would dare question birth sex seems like a bridge too far for these people. Never mind that a perfect and rigid binary would make less sense given the variability of humans and contrast against every other biological process on earth which all contain permutations. 

But please, don't bother these people with facts lest you perturb their discrimination. 

Silent letter day

 

Retribution

In retrospect, presidential immunity was a monumentally stupid mistake......

Throat punch

As transgender people we want to be patient and kind with others and this iteration of me has never been better in that regard. 

However should you get strange looks or leering stares (whatever the reason) that you don't care for, the part of you that wants to punch them in the throat should be more powerful than our timidity. 

You don't want to do it; you just want to think it and simply that emboldens :)

Grounded

The holiday season can make some of us a little depressed. Pressure to conform to family expectations can derail us and encourage us to perform like seals. The best therapy for this is to remove ourselves from the demands of feeling obligated. 

As I age I am getting much better at centering myself amidst any chaos which might surround me. At the global level we are going through crisis after crisis and my friends and colleagues are fighting through their own challenges. 

We want our minds to be still inside the storm. We are not removed physically but we have grounded ourselves in such a way that we are less affected by the volatility which surrounds us. 

We calm the spirit and breathe slowly while trying to maintain perspective about all things.

Relationships won't fulfill you

Young Lucas is absolutely correct. Relationships are meant for personal growth and life examination as alongside joy they bring their fair share of pain and discomfort which then prompts that internal dialogue and development.

They may be worth having but the personal fulfillment comes from inside ourselves....

Oy vey!

 

Red meat anyone?

Never underestimate the potential for human idiocy. Here is a clue: it's about too many shootings 99.999% of which are not committed by transgender people. 

For the record, whether 15 year old Natalie Rupnow is indeed transgender remains unconfirmed and probably unlikely. But that never stops the pea-brained among us.

Tell them chief...

A better alternative

Binary transsexuals represent a small subset among the world of gender variance. They are a person with a psycho-sexual inversion and generally must medically transition to find wellness. They belong to the grouping that Harry Benjamin would have described as a type VI on his scale and also tended to be androphilic (ie. man loving).

Below them there is a cluster of people with varying degrees of birth sex disconnect (dysphoria), general predisposition or simple curiosity towards practicing gender variance for their own motivations. 

One of the unfortunate things western culture did over the centuries was attach absolutes to birth sex such that comportment, interests, clothing and even traditional professions were tied it. This meant that people who had natural affinities towards stepping outside of prescribed lines, were not permitted to experiment. 

Today nothing is sacrosanct which is why the public gets confused with labels. They see people increasingly step outside boxes and don't know what to make of them. Many of these infringers don't even know what to call themselves which is why we now have a plethora of terms which, in the end, don't adequately capture anyone with any kind of precision. Not all necessarily feel they have a birth sex disconnect.

One of the reasons I ended up having so much disdain for the term "crossdresser" over time is that it pigeon holed people into a generally secretive sub-culture that increasingly no longer exists and has no reason to. 

In its place I find that the term "human being" to be a much better alternative.

Interview

If you were to interview someone before an audience you wouldn't get the full story. Yes, you would get huge nuggets of truth but the fears, doubts, traumas and obsessive thoughts would be left out. 

We would get partial truth. 

But it is the full schema including all the little cracks and crevices that is more important because it is the negative stuff that haunts and encourages loss of confidence. 

The hard work isn't creating a stable and workable personal narrative that people will buy, but instead one that we will.

If we are a transgender person it becomes all the more incumbent that we perform that internal work.

Intelligence?

Fired up ;)....

Designed by Gigi Goode

 

Insert fear of choice

I am too tall

What if I don't "pass"?

My voice is too deep!

My hands are too large

My shoulders are too broad 

What if people laugh?

What if people stare? 

Insert fear of choice here 

Relax. Be genuine. Be secure. Be yourself. 

These last four things are the ones people can read and look for the most.

Live your life.

Integrity and rationality

It turns out that morals and integrity are not all that important in politics; not just among politicians themselves but also among the voting public. 

Years ago I could never have envisioned a scenario where someone with a rap sheet like Trump's could have ascended to the presidency but that was before I knew how human psychology truly worked and how much critical thinking and education was lacking in society. 

Today I know people who are professionals in their fields who hold ideas I find uniquely bizarre. It turns out that being educated in one special field does not make you proficient in other areas. Some hold conspiracy theories dear or have religious ideas that contrast sharply with what you had imagined was the capacity of their intellect.

Having beliefs and adopting faith must always be tempered with rationality and logic such that you can explain them to others but above all to ourselves.

The prime directive

For a long time my prime directive was to avoid transition. There was simply too much complexity in my life and I felt I was too old for it. There were too many risks and so I settled for dysphoria management which was somewhat effective but felt somehow dishonest. Introducing full transparency and authenticity was the last piece of the puzzle save for the people who didn't need to know my past. 

I didn't need surgeries because I had been blessed with certain genetics plus for me this was about psychology and didn't involve needing to modify my plumbing. I know for some people this is not good enough and they need to go further. Dysphoria makes different demands of people.

Once you get to a social transition formula you don't want to mess with it because it took decades to arrive at and then fine tune. There is no compromising with the perfection of what ostensibly is reflective of your identity. It is who you are even if to an outsider it feels like either too much compromise or that you have gone too far to lead a conventional life. 

Transgender people end up with awkward paths because life is difficult enough when you aren't this way. There are going to be compromises, unwelcome surprises and long talks with people who ultimately reject and don't understand you. As much as I love the open environment today even the young don't automatically have a direct and easy path despite having less roadblocks.

I was talking last night with the mother of my daughter's boyfriend who asked why I had not ventured into relationships once my last one failed and I told her that I was happy to not mess with a life formula that had taken so much effort to arrive at. At 60 and in an awkward situation at home living with her ex-husband for financial reasons, she could relate to the complexities of sharing a life with someone at this life juncture. 

You don't want things to unravel plus you know full well there are some things just not open to compromise. 

Your identity is definitely not one of them.

Blow away

 

Victim

We will be more prone to fall for toxic theories of gender variance when we are despondent about our own situation. The more we absorbed the idea that we are abnormal, the more of a hapless victim we become. 

Since AGP is really just tranvestic fetishism renamed, some of us ended up with a dilemma. Did we have a fetish or were any sexual overtones part of a much broader picture trying to make itself known? 

Depending on the individual the answer was one or the other or perhaps a complex mixture of both. Some people who identify as AGP say that transition helped them regardless. Anne Lawrence was one of them and she was not alone. 

I read a comment lately from a transgender woman who stated that she knew there was much more to her situation despite any occasional sexual overtones she experienced. She found that she had to lead her life anchored in identity and the vast majority of the time she was connected to it without sexuality being in any way in the driver's seat.

The problem for older people is that the presence of sexuality outside of a heterosexual relationship was taught to be a disqualifying signal of dysfunction. Ingesting that meant a greater likelihood in believing that their struggle was not anchored in a search for identity. Thus they were more prone to present to gatekeepers without mentioning it at all or forsake the idea of transition altogether. If they went to the CAMH in the 1980's they were likely to become reinforcement for Ray Blanchard's accusatory dossier as one of only two possible typologies. 

Some people most definitely use cross gender expression primarily as part of a way to express a sexual appetite but only they know it.  Looking past that to see if something deeper exists is the hard part of the equation. 

My point is that the mere presence of sexuality is not a disqualifying obstacle in going further into the psyche to see what lies beyond the surface.

Restless peasants

The big "what happened" analysis is still going on among the pundits. Trump won by less than 2% of the popular vote so it was less mandate and more people wanting something different than establishment corporatist politics which made them feel no better after 4 Biden years; this despite some decent attempts to improve things at home.

Trump's fake populism works on some but not on everyone. But the tree needs to be shaken somehow even if it introduces chaos into the fray. Sure, the tariffs are a horrendously stupid idea which he himself doesn't understand but that doesn't matter when much of the population doesn't seem to either. 

Late stage capitalism has its effects and as things implode around them, everyone will feel the pinch even the wealthy who now need to worry about the restless peasants revolting.

Outside conventional idioms

I was thinking about how one can identify themselves outside of any traditional language we have developed over the decades regarding gender variance. In other words, outside conventional idioms how do you gage where we are and what we need to do. 

One way to think of it is in terms of the  permanence and strength of the feelings we have. If they can be adequately addressed with temporary expression then that is one way to know where we stand. This would contrast against a desire for fuller and more permanent forms of expression which could touch upon deeper issues of identity. 

Rather than focus on a label or a place on a spectrum for ourselves we focus of how adequately we are addressing our need for expression and its relation to our authenticity. The resulting calm and balance while being free of distress will tell us we are heading in the right direction.

Rowling strikes again

It's unfortunate that some people advertise their stupidity at the expense of their reputation and legacy.  This is what happens when hate stiffles common sense. When the target is not even transgender you look more like an idiot...

Anyway

 

Spot on observation

I watched Canadian physician Gabor Mate offer his own opinion of Jordan Peterson during an interview and he captured exactly the same problem I have with him. It is the comptemptuous rage which seethes underneath every pronouncement. 

Of course Mate, who specializes in issues of childhood development and trauma, was ever so diplomatic in his mild-mannered way but his finding was hardly earth shattering. Peterson is full of disdain for what he calls the sins of post-modernism and its moral relativity. His talks and social media postings have made him the intellectual of the right wing who are sorely lacking in academics who spit venom. Small wonder he joined Ben Shapiro's pinhead "the world is going to hell" empire.

The 80 year old Mate, is both patient and kind with people who disagree with him, which contrasts sharply in style with the other's haughty dismissive tone. He seems to embrace understanding and calm in the face of adversity.

Peterson, who is my age, represents almost everything I can't stand about people who refuse to grow out of grievance mode and exist perennially in a state of recollection for a world passing them by. 

Don't force him to use pronouns he doesn't believe in or he will castigate you with his acerbic wit and give you a bloody good tongue lashing to boot.

Anger

When I first started blogging, my life as a transgender person was relegated to outings that were used as dysphoria management safety valves. I wasn't yet aware to what extent that wasn't going to be a workable solution. 

Rather than push an envelope, I was hopeful regarding finding a resting point. I would fashion a hybrid existence where my feelings could be accommodated somehow and still lead a "normal" life. I came at all this via a stance of resistance beginning with complete denial until my early 40's. 

There was too much baggage to work through to have it be otherwise not to mention that maintaining a marriage and career which helped raise two small children became absolute priorities.

The regular outing model was awkward and clumsy and forced a mental state of secrecy that was anathema to my overall well being. Had my situation been mostly about pure expression it would have worked but it wasn't.

There was considerably more. 

Repressed anger becomes an issue and it was pointed out to me in 2007 at the hospital program. Lately I watched a video by a gender therapist who said that about half of her patients had this problem. 90% of them are transfeminine and those most frustrated tended to be those aware that they were indeed dysphoric but couldn't adequately deal with it .

I've been released from that anger for quite a while now and get mad mostly like everyone else (perhaps even less). For it turns out that aging also increasingly offers us perspective.

I just have a little bit of indignation left.

Furious

 

A double layered problem

Over the years I noticed there were two distinct types of help required regarding gender variant behaviour. One was dealing with the guilt and shame over wanting or needing to do something which infringed on acceptable social norms. The other was how to deal with gender dysphoria and its demands. 

Both were difficult because in my time it was a double layered problem. This meant that once you had dealt with the top layer you might have then realized a second layer was still waiting for you; one you might not have expected to encounter. 

Today that top layer relating to social stigma is largely gone which leaves much room to explore a second layer which may or may be really there. In other words, some people could mistake the eradication of social stigma for needing to go further and some of course have.

Those who have dysphoria and have lived with it for decades, don't need me to tell them that second layer is considerably tougher.

Not by a little, but by a lot.

Pitchforks

The next four years will demonstrate what false populism can do to a nation. People who don't think and are impulsive will be the first to be shocked followed closely by the single issue voters who decided to hold their nose and gamble on an idiot and his court jesters. 

It will be extremely ugly, full of corruption with almost unbelievable levels of incompetence. It will be my up close and personal view of how gullible a population can be; a level I never thought possible. That being said, half of Americans agree with me. 

Do tone deaf corporate democrats still clinging to Neoliberalism share the blame? Without a shadow of a doubt. We are turning away from liberal versus conservative stances and leaning into issues of class warfare where it won't be long until the pitchforks come out and the Bastille is stormed. 

For there are plenty of other Luigi Mangiones out there.

Traffic

My traffic has shot up dramatically here recently which reminded me how inconsequential that is regarding what I need to say. There could be 10 people reading my blog per day and it would change absolutely nothing. 

My exploration is mostly for by own benefit and this a journal I would write irrespective of outside interest.

However, if some people find value in it then I am extremely glad.

A beautiful mess

How do we know where life will take us? Well we don't. I certainly didn't and a 25 year old me would have been flabbergasted and incredulous upon finding out where I would be at 62. 

It turns out that a life journey isn't about adherence to a predetermined plan but instead an organic and beautiful mess which challenges our preconceived ideas. It is a test of our resilience and ability to adapt. 

Growth can be chaotic and unpredictable but if we aren't challenged we stagnate. Understanding where we need to be versus where we think we should be is pivotal.

Idiots

It's difficult enough to win an argument with an intelligent person. It is impossible to do so with an idiot...

Montréal avant Noel

 

Innocuous

In the past, men dressing up as women on television or stage and even the female impersonation circuit was tolerated and even celebrated. For one thing, it was considered harmless and viewed as innocuous enough with either humor or admirable imitation as primary objectives. It didn't affect regular people enough to be considered threatening for it was sufficiently boxed in and contained. 

Major television stars such as Milton Berle and Flip Wilson regaled in frocks for laughs while at the same time you also had Le Carousel in Paris produce lavish shows where the performers were often indistinguishable from genetic females. Many of them, such as April Ashley, were already in hiding and under various stages of medical transition before being thrust into the spotlight as transsexuals.

As gender variance moved slowly into mainstream society suddenly a threat was introduced because lines were blurred and considered a challenge to social norms. It was fine when a few cases transitioned as novelties or performers dressed up on stage, but now there was an infectious disease which, according  to conservatives, threatened to spread like homosexuality had. Never mind that the suppressed instincts of a small percentage of the population had always existed. 

But if we now remove from our calculation people who are gender variant for reasons outside of a conflict of core gender identity, we are left with about 1% of the population. If we then consider those among this tiny group who medically transition, we are left with an even smaller number still. 

Imagine all the fuss over that.

Let's just say that over estimating human intelligence would be a grave mistake.

Deeper

Human psychology is so complex as to make our own at times an enigma even to ourselves. We go through life phases and it goes most unexplored in youth when we are still learning how to navigate the mechanics of existing in a complex world. We live and propel ourselves inside a hamster wheel which doesn't allow for sufficient introspection. 

As we age we hopefully become less self-aware regarding how we appear to the world and can then delve into understanding our own psyche. Our lived history can be analyzed through the lens of social programming as well as predisposition to certain behaviour. 

Not everyone wants to delve deeply into the self because it can sometimes be painful but it would serve them well to do so. The examination of patterns both good and bad can help to us to fine tune going forward and improve our daily existence. 

Our mindfulness can only benefit from it.

Not so simple

We constantly speak in terms of left and right with regards to the political spectrum. In truth it is considerably more complicated than that because many people have very mixed views on issues that are more layered and nuanced than a simple model would suggest. 

Yes, there is some common understanding when we talk about left and right but not every issue can be broken down along those lines. The US in particular is fractured in what appears to be two voting monoliths which is largely due to only two major parties controlling the dialogue.

I was thinking about two recent cases. One is the NYC subway choke hold death of a homeless man in which Daniel Penny was acquitted recently in court. The other was the CEO shooting by Luigi Magione also in NYC.

The reaction from people in media traditionally associated with the two political factions was expected and yet not so from the public. One example was Ben Shapiro being sharply admonished by his own audience for turning the CEO murder into a left versus right issue when for them it was a class issue. His patrons, who tend to lean very conservative, saw it as a sign that the unfairness of the US health insurance business was feeding into the type of rage that could have encouraged this type of killing. 

People are complex and when you poll them on issues without identifying the policy maker they sometimes end up approving ideas that run counter to their political affiliation. 

We each have philosophical leanings which affect our politics but not every issue can be readily broken down around a left versus right paradigm.